A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I'm 9 weeks pregnant with my 3 child which was unplanned. My partner who I've been with for 16 years wants me to terminate the pregnancy, I said I would, but am now not sure if I can go through with it. What should I do?
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male
reader, Odds  +, writes (15 November 2010):
 Thanks for the update. I think you made the right choice, despite what I posted earlier, and I hope everything works out for you and your husband with the new kid. I don't think the issues are over for him, though. Be sure to reach out to him and try to help him adjust to having a new child.
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (14 November 2010):
 OP,thanks to you for updating us. I am very glad to hear how it went and not because I am particularly pro-life, I am just particularly pro-doing-what-you-feel-best-for-yourself.
I am sure your husband will get used pretty soon to the idea of a new baby.He seems quite capable to man up- and to love you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 November 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionafter writing this post and before reading abnyones answers. I made up my mind to keep our 3rd baby. I wrote my longterm partner a letter explaining the reasons why i was going through with the pregnancy, the major reason being i could not live with the guilt of a termination, knowing that at every xmas or special event that one child was not there. He told me that he would not leave me and jokingly said he'll have 9 months to get use to the idea of another child, things seem to happen for a reason. thankyou for all your post and a special thankyou to SAGEOLDGUY for your comments and also to CINDYCARES.
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male
reader, Odds +, writes (11 November 2010):
@ Tennisstar: Thanks for the correction, I completely missed the flag. I didn't follow your math (I think there was a typo, no big deal), so I checked - the figures I found gave 90,000, not 900,000, which makes the 2/5 you cited. Easy enough mistake to make, and thanks again for pointing out her country.
@ CindyCares - I fully agree that the man knew what risks he was taking. Actually, I'd say he should live up to them, given that I'm actually anti-abortion, but I'm trying not to force my opinion on the OP.
My issue is that I assumed (correctly, it turns out) that everyone would dismiss his stake in this decision. She knew the risks, same as he did, and actually had more (and more effective) contraceptive options than he did. In the U.S., safe haven laws allow mothers to give up children, no qeustions asked (and, having been corrected on the OP's country of origin, I checked and saw that Australia is considering adopting those laws).
Fact is, the mother has most of the choices and control over reproduction. That would be fine with me if the father were allowed to opt out, but doing so the state will hunt him down to demand child support for a kid he didn't want. If the situation were reversed, and he wanted the kid but she did not, the state would not demand she compensate him for his flesh and blood.
Certainly, the actual abortion procedure should be the woman's choice, but unless the father can *legally* opt out of child support and parental respoinsibility, the system is unfair. The act of parenting is not happening within her body.
All I'm asking is that the OP consider the burden her choice is putting on her man, who does not have the choices she does - in fact, he is subject to her choices. It's hardly progressive. She's a grown woman, and can make her own choices, I'm just giving her something to think about.
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A
female
reader, dmartin89  +, writes (11 November 2010):
 Whether you go through with it or not, it needs to be your decision.
Your partner must have some reason for wanting a termination. People often forget, that even thought you are in a stable loving relationship, its not just love that raises a child. You need time and money.
I had a termination at 11 weeks, in a loving stable relationship because neither of us could afford a child. Although I get a little sad about it sometimes, I don't regret my decision.
I made a list of pros and cons and imagined myself with a baby; which I couldn't.
Don't let people bully you with their thinking that termination is unacceptable. Do what you feel is best for you and your partner.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (11 November 2010):
@Odds : I understand your reasoning and I cannot say it's not logic, yet I can't agree,
As adults ,we know that all our actions have consequences and we take responsibility for our actions.
The male partner, I guess, knew that no protection or contracceptive method is 100percent foolproof infallibly effective. Some are even 99point something percent effective , still this leaves the possibility for an accidental pregnancy.
If he wanted to be absolutely totally sure that he'd never ever had to spend money for another child, he should have had a vasectomy. Or abstained from intercourse.
Also, for some women (by no means not all, I am not saying
this ) an abortion is a major psychological ordeal from which they never fully recover in a lifetime.
I think a caring, supporting partner would not pressure his hesitant woman for an abortion, risking to subject her to that ordeal, just in order to save money.
Her body, her choice - she must have the freedom to decide what she can comfortably handle and what she can't.
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A
female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (11 November 2010):
 Now, now..That info would be great if our OP was from U.S. but she's an Aussie.
The most recent abortion rate in Australia is 20.2% they average about 900,00 abortions each other. And they average 250,000 live births each year so there are 2 aborted babies for every 5 born.
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A
male
reader, Odds +, writes (11 November 2010):
Pinktopaz, there have been less than 50 million abortions in the U.S. since Roe v. Wade, around 40 years ago, and there are 150 million women in this country - so, even assuming no more than one abortion per woman, that's 1 in 3 tops, not 4 in 5. Just my OCD acting up - besides, false information is the last thing the OP needs at this point.
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female
reader, pinktopaz +, writes (11 November 2010):
Well have you ever had an abortion before? Ultimately, yes, it's completely up to you. It's easy for him to say "go have an abortion" because he's not truly in the situation. Sorry, but men will never get it, even though they think they do, they don't.
Honestly, it varies from person to person. Believe it or not more than 4 in every 5 women have had an abortion. I'm not saying that everyone does it so it's okay. But I've had girlfriends that were completely fine with it and went on with their lives and some (like me) took it quite a bit harder. You may have some guilt and regret or you may not. However, I think if you're second guessing it, you're probably going to feel bad. So in the end, do what you think is right for YOU. Nevermind your partner and what he wants, just because he wants you to have an abortion and you don't doesn't mean that you're being unfair. If he were a good man he would support you in whatever you decide, which again, is ultimately up to you.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 November 2010): do NOT do it!!! 1. this will haunt your thoughts forever 2. the baby doesn't need to die just because he doesn't want it 3. you have the option to put it up for adoption 4. new life is a wonderful thing
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female
reader, mylassie10 +, writes (11 November 2010):
 Yea it's both of you in this situation but it really is your body and your choice, you're the one carrying it. I had a friend who got an abortion because her bf wanted her to and then got pregnant again and he was pushing her so much to get one and she made a couple appointments to get one and she could never go through with it because ultimately thats not what she wanted. She ended up having a beautiful little girl that is the love of her life. Her boyfriend pays child support but he's barely in her life but she's okay. Really think about it. You don't want to have regrets. Good luck with everything!
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female
reader, SillyB +, writes (11 November 2010):
 I guess your other two kids are with him too? I would think that this baby happened for a reason. he sounds rather selfish to want to abort his own flesh and blood....its a babbbbyyy for goodness sake. Cute, adorable wonderful little baby. How can he want to get rid of a child he's made with his long term partner in a stable relationship.
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female
reader, Sissy 1992 +, writes (11 November 2010):
 Its not his choice its yours. Always follow your heart and if your heart tells you to keep the baby then keep it. Your partner shouldnt tell you what to do. Just believe in yourself.
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male
reader, Odds +, writes (11 November 2010):
Leaving my opinion on abortion completely aside, if you have the child, is he going to have to pay for part of (or all of) raising it? Is he going to be on the hook for taking care of it for the next two decades? It *is* your body for the next few months, but it's both of you together after that. He has a stake in the decision.
I'm not going to advocate either way, but if you're going to make the decision, keep in mind this decision affects more than just you. I suspect you're going to get a lot of answers saying it's entirely up to you, and while they are right, it's important to consider all the angles.
Sorry I can't just tell you whether to abort or not, but I hope the above helps.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 November 2010): Don`t go through with it. That`s wrong and it`s your choice. Your partner should surley understand.
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female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (11 November 2010):
Don't go through with it if you don't want to. Your body, your choice..not your partner's.
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