A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:I have recently got married for the third time. My new husband speaks daily with a woman we both know and I asked him to stop. He told me that I was trying to censor him, nothing is going on and that he won't stop contact with her as there is no reason to do so. Many years ago they had a relationship and I can see that the flame is still there. This has resulted in huge rows and we are now not speaking. We don't live together as we have houses to sell and now he has e-mailed me telling me to not contact him for a while. He also said that I was a nasty and vindictive woman and not the person he married. I accept that I have gone crazy about this other woman but he really appears not to realise that she is out to cause trouble, We have other problems too such as step kids, money worries etc etc. I am finding it very difficult to adjust to his step children.I admit that I have been OTT over this subject but only because he won't accept that I have a point. We have gone round the subject in circles and we have reached a total standoff. He won't give her up and I won't be in a marriage where there is 3 of us. I really love him and don't want to lose him but everytime I try to talk it turns into a row. I will leave him alone as requested but don't know how to get us back onto an even keel because I don't feel I can do it unless he severs contact with her. Any ideas please?
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female
reader, jitterbug  +, writes (4 February 2010):
 Ummmmmmmmmm.........
She's an ex.
who your H talks to... ..daily?????
I believe you have every right to be upset and concerned.
Why is he prioritizing his friendship with her over the health of your M? And, he's flirting with her over the phone?And, she raised a stink when she found out you and your H were getting married? IMO, that's a huge red flag right there.It sounds to me like she's trying to keep him in her life as a BBBF..(back-burner boyfriend)This is NOT an innocent friendship.
If your H is labelling you as being controlling, that's nothing more than blame-shifting. He's not being accountable for his actions.
A married man shouldn't be flirting and texting with an ex-girlfriend, especially knowing full well that it upsets you. It's an emotional betrayal.It's taking away attention that should be invested in making the marriage work.Did he forget that part of the vows he made..."forsaking all others"??
I wonder how he would react if the shoe was on the other foot???
A
female
reader, Basschick  +, writes (1 February 2010):
 Or your husband is simply "keeping his options open" and not truly committed to his marriage. That's what it tells me. I think you should move forward with a divorce and watch how quickly they suddenly become a couple.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 February 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWe have both known the woman for 13 years. My husband and this lady flirt by text and on the phone. There was a massive hoo haa when the lady found out we were going to be married as she always thought he would hang around for her. She always thinks my husband will be there to fall back on if all else fails in her life and I feel my husband does little to discourage this view.
We are still not speaking. I want him to tell her that this has to stop as it is eating away at our marriage but he won't. Apparently it is me being controlling. My gut feeling is to walk as I know if I had a friend and the contact was hurting my husband I would cease contact immediately, but apparently i am just one crazy bitch!!
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A
female
reader, Basschick +, writes (1 February 2010):
So why does he insist on keeping in contact with her if there is nothing going on, and no plans to allow anything to go on later? I am wondering if she was in the picture before the marriage? If so you should've dealt with it before you said your vows. If she appeared on the scene after your marital vows, it is indeed bizarre that your husband is basically chosing another woman over his wife. I think his motives are not pure. Marriage is built on trust and respect and he has violated both. If you ask me, HE needs to decide which woman he wants to be with and you need to be prepared to walk away from a man who cannot give you 100% of himself. The whole point of marriage is forsaking others, not having secret relations behind your back.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (30 January 2010):
Just because he is friends with her doesn't means she's a problem. Apparently she isn't, since they've been friends for years and aren't going out now. He chose to marry you, not her. You put him in a position and gave him an ultimatum that wasn't needed, because he's committed to you. Now he feels you've over stepped the mark. Fact is, he won't give his best friend up because that's what she is. A best friend. So you have two options. Divorce him, or work with him.
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (30 January 2010):
 Well, seems that you are more jealous of this woman than you are in love with your husband. You've made it an ultimatum, give up your friend or our marriage is finished... this is what you wanted, and this is what you got. You and your husband are now separated. You'd have thought after 2 previous marriages you'd have learnt something about men that could help you.
My partner or my friends.... anyone that asked me to make this choice would quickly find themselves unwelcome in my life. This woman has known him longer than you, he's probably wise to choose her because she seems to understand commitment to people.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 January 2010): You have to stop thinking of her.. otherwise you will make her so important as to totally end your marriage over her. How can your husband's friend be a dealbreaker? You can see whatever flames you want but it does not matter since you husband does not see it that way.
He sees it as you trying to control him. So you need to stop. GIve it a total rest - in your mind and behaviour. If you are patient some months down the line both of you may realise that she is not worth the fight.
You are already married so might as well make it work! All the best!
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