A
male
age
51-59,
*attj211
writes:My ex-wife and I have been divorced for 3 years. We were married for 10 years and have 3 beautiful children together. We are both very involved in our children's life and communicate on an almost daily basis. Mostly regarding the children.She is the one that asked for the divorce and has since stated the main reason for ending the marriage was our horrible sexual relationship. Our almost lack of one. I have to say that there is no denying that this is true. In fact it was a huge frustration to me as well. But in my mind it was always her that was not interested in sex. We never had the sex life that I wanted, although there were times, albeit few that it was phenomenal. But I truly loved her and suppose I had just resigned myself to a near sexless marriage.Since we have divorced she has told me in her mind I did not desire her and that for years she always wanted a strong sexual relationship with daily sex.All this being said. She very recently ended a relationship that she started soon after we separated. She had been living with this man for almost a year.I have never stopped loving her. Even through the divorce and separation when some pretty ugly things were said. I've since told her this. That I love and desire her and that I was just as frustrated in the marriage. That I thought we had a communication problem not a sexual one. She responded that she still has always loved and respected me and still does. But still thinks I was never sexually attracted to her and that if after 10 years of marriage if didn't happen it never will and she doesn't see us ever being together again because sex is so important to her.I would never want that frustrating situation back either. But I still love her and knowing now that we spent years secretly wanting the same thing just breaks my heart. I know this is an odd question. But how do I convince my ex that I lust after her. She knows I love her. I still think she is the most desirable woman I've ever known. But when I tell her this she says 10 years of marriage say otherwise.We get along well now and communicate openly regarding the kids and I don't want to jeopardize this. But I don't think I can live with myself if I just give up and let her go forever...... any advice?
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divorce, ex-wife, my ex, not interested in sex, sex life Reply to this Question
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male
reader, mattj211 +, writes (31 January 2010):
mattj211 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for all the advice ladies. Keep it coming. Seems to be a common theme in there that actions speak louder than words.
It is interesting. Since my divorce I guess I have become a bit of a "bad boy". Grew a goatee, bought a motorcycle, shaved my head for a while. Gone were the kahkis and starched shirts. And I have to admit I really haven't had any problem meeting women. In fact one woman I dated (10 years my juinor) told me point blank she was attracted to me because she thought I was a "bit of a bad boy".
A
female
reader, Angzw  +, writes (30 January 2010):
Are you sure you are not my ex?!! Similar situation and he has been hitting on me lately and the other day sent a text saying "I want u 2 b my girl"!!. If I didn't have a boyfriend, I would want him to be a little more passionate about his attraction to me. I believed he wasn't attracted to me and although he says it with words, his behaviour in the past never showed it. He never complimented me, never told me I was sexy and during lovemaking I felt like he was somewhere else. So set the mood, get rid of the kids etc. Maybe a nice dinner. You know her best, maybe offer a friendly "nothing will happen" massage then get carried away. Be passionate and take control without being forceful.... Good luck.
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A
female
reader, Gridrebel +, writes (30 January 2010):
 DON'T! It appears as if your communication now is clear and concise but evidently, you can't change her mind without a little help. One question, did you go to counseling prior to this divorce? It sounds as if a little outside intervention might have shed some light on both of your perspectives. Don't give up yet, if you can get some counseling as a couple, then do so. Ask her to be open minded to the idea of reconsidering the two of you becoming a couple again. Start wooing her all over again. Treat her like a princess. Have conversations that don't involve your children. MAKE HER LAUGH! This is one of the best things you can do to. Women love men who can make them laugh. Have a date night. Send her some flowers and tell her she is the “toot in your horn” so to speak. Get her excited about all of you and what you have to offer, not just the sexuality issue. One thing you shouldn't do is become a mamby pamby, gushing, aim to please at all costs, type of person. Change your image a little, become a bit of a "Bad Boy". Grow a beard (keep it WELL trimmed) if you don't have one, or shave it off if you do. Put a bit of mystique in yourself. Don’t spill all and become an open book about the changes you make either. Pique her interest. Keep your head up, your back straight and be proud of who and what you are no matter what.
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A
female
reader, Miamine  +, writes (30 January 2010):
 Yep.. I'm seeing what sweetheart20 describes.. hey, your a single man, she's a single woman.. hahahaha.. you got reasons to go and visit... wait till the kids are in bed, watch some tv, a little wine, the light hurts your eyes, your a little tired... then when she's relaxed... hahahaha... you hit on her and it's time to play the big bad wolf.......
Of course if she screams or resists you must stop immediately.. kids restrict the room for play, they always wake up.. and you have your excuse already, "she just looked so damn sexy and cute and you got so excited that you totally lost your head", hahaha.. at least it will give her confidence to know she's sexually attractive.
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