A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:So the other day while my husband was in the shower, he asked me to find a number in his cell phone (a friend of his that we were meeting later) and call him to confirm the time. When I was doing that, his recent call history showed up, and I noticed a name that I had never seen before "Buddy." After I took care of connecting with our friend, I looked at the "Buddy" contact number; I did not recognize it, so I wrote it down in my phone. Since my husband recently switched phones a month ago, I decided to look in his old phone for that number, but I did not see it. A couple days later, I decided to *67 and call this number to see who would answer and it was a female voice (20-40yr old). I immediately hung up. I'm not really sure how to take this; should I be alarmed or am I over-reacting? Why would he have a female's number entitled "Buddy" in his phone, instead of her name? This seems rather suspicious. What should my next step be? Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 February 2013): A female reader, anonymous, writes (21 February 2013)
"You should have access to each other's passwords for everything if there is trust in a relationship." I respectfully disagree--to A female reader, anonymous, writes (20 February 2013) post.
The poster on 20 February 2013 probably meant for utility bills and really the OP should have access to those for emergency purposes but not like social media sites (although affairs can start there as well). We all should maintain privacy to some degree in relationships.
I'm wondering if the OP has got this resolved with her husband?
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 February 2013): "You should have access to each other's passwords for everything if there is trust in a relationship."
I respectfully disagree. just because one is married doesn't mean that one ceases to have any privacy anymore. Does your spouse get to walk in on you in the bathroom just because you are married? Do you get to eavesdrop on all phone calls your spouse makes with anyone ranging from his coworkers to his family members?
If anything, I think that a sign of trust in a relationship is when you are comfortable not having your partner's passwords and vice versa. The fact that you feel the need to have their password, is a sign of MIStrust.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 February 2013): Being married you should have access to the phone account and all accounts. Why don't you have access to the phone records? You should. You should have access to each other's passwords for everything if there is trust in a relationship.
Has he ever given you a reason to think he may have cheated on you in the past or is this the first time you may suspect something is not right?
When you are calm, I would be having a talk with him about having all of the passwords to all the accounts if there ever was an emergency and you would need access the accounts.
Cheating men are getting smarter and buying second phones to hide and to communicate with the other woman.
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (20 February 2013):
No offense OP, but you should stop spying on him. If he's earned your trust then you are being disrespectful by continuing; everyone deserves some privacy.
As SVC said, pregnancy does make you and your hormones a little crazy. Thank god a woman admits that for once.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (20 February 2013):
 OP,
you say casually that you are 5 months pregnant.... but pregnancy hormones can make us crazy
is there a prior history with your hubby cheating or lying that leads you to feel that this may be something underhanded?
is there a reason you are afraid to just ask him "who's buddy?"
FWIW, my brother is called Butch... his name is NOTHING like Butch but it's what my dad called him as a kid....
I really feel like there is "the rest of the story" that I'm not seeing...
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 February 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI will try to call the number again tomorrow without the *67 and see who answers. It's definitely a cell phone number, according to the reverse number search. The guy's name, who the number is listed under, has no variation of "buddy" in it. When I type in this guy's name, another cell phone number comes up and a landline (home), so it must be bundled with a family plan of sorts. I looked at his phone today, and there hasn't been any evidence of "Buddy" again in his calls or texts, but that doesn't mean they aren't deleted either. It's so easy to do on iphones. I did notice a random image in his photo gallery of homer simpson sobing, downloaded today. I checked his mail history and text history, and it wasn't used in any correspondence, so that seems really odd to me. My first reaction was that his "animated" way to express disappointment to someone via email or text, but since there's no history of use, it makes me think the correspondence was deleted. I wish I could check phone records, but I don't have access to that account.Overall, his demeanor is about the same. At times I feel like our sex life has dwindled a little, but I'm also 5 months pregnant. I know if I confront him on this, he'll just say I'm over-reacting because of my hormones, but I will talk to him if I discover the female's voice again. Thank you everyone for your responses. We'll see where this goes...
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A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (19 February 2013):
 Could be his daughter, couples in their 50's often have children. I think you are in the clear.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 February 2013): Just a small point, even though this whole thing does sound innocent.
My ex used to save texts to a special folder on her phone. She was happy for me to loook at or use her phone because she never thought I'd find the folder. I only thought to look because she'd once complained about the small memory on her phone, so anything she wanted to keep she had to transfer to another folder. She would also save men on her phone under fake female names. So just because he's happy for you to use his phone doesn't mean much.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (19 February 2013):
 I am quite sure you're in the clear based on what you've said and what you discovered. Like I said, guys with things to hide on their phones tend to keep them from their wives, not ask them to look through them.
I'd just casually ask him "oh hey, the other day when you asked me to look up a number for you, I saw a "Buddy" on your phone. Who's that a nickname for"??
I'm guessing it's the guy whose name is on the phone who is indeed married.
Glad it looks on the up and up.
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (19 February 2013):
If you keep being secretive you're going to get buddy's wife pissed at him. I can see it now, she's been suspicious about the hang up, then you call again and say wrong number, so she just starts spying on her husband like you're doing.
Just be a grown up and COMMUNICATE. If your husband is lying, don't you think you'd be able to tell?
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A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (19 February 2013):
 personally for me, i'm not super girly at all and i date women, so i've got tons of male friends who see me as strictly one of the guys. i wouldn't be surprised if any one of them has me saved in their phone as "buddy" or "pal" or something like that.also, if i went through my phone, i know i've got a handful of numbers saved with weird names like "girl" or "friend" because i needed their number once, maybe twice, for some unimportant thing. just for example, one time i had to pick up my ex's son from this girls house who was watching him for the day. this girl was a friend of one of my ex's friends, and my ex gave me her number to call her to get directions from her. i saved her number as "girl" because i didn't know her real name. it really wasn't important. things like that happen occasionally. lastly, i've dated numerous liars and cheaters in my day (unfortunately), and the last thing they ever do is willingly offer to let you go through their phone. trust me, they'll fight you tooth and nail to keep you from looking in there. the fact that he told you to look through it insinuates to me that he has nothing to hide.you should have just asked him who "buddy" was right after you saw the number. i'm sure he has a reasonable explanation for it. also, keep in mind, it could be a home phone where it's anyone's guess who's gonna pick up. could be "buddy's" wife who answered.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 February 2013): I'd have a look at the call history and/or text history. I wouldn't worry if the number is barely used. If there are loads of calls/texts backwards and forwards then you might have a problem.
Once you've decided if the number of contacts are normal for a couple of blokes or not, decide if it's worth talking to your husband about. As others have said watch his reactions, rather than pay too much attention to what he says. If he's having an affair, he'll deny it (unfortunately the same response if he isn't!), but if asking him about it gets him flustered or angry, I'd be more worried.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (19 February 2013):
Me I would have just said "hey honey who's "buddy"
what made you feel the need to check up on him without asking first???
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 February 2013): Keep quiet and don't let on that you know. Play the naive, innocent, wide-eyed wife for now.Now do your detective work. Find out the address of the phone number. Do a reverse phone look up under whitepages.com and see if that will bring up an address. That should list the names of the owners at the address.Then Google the names and see what you can find out about the people or person.Also, access all the cell records and look for that number and see how many times your husband has called it.Check his computer history and see if there any suspicious e-mails going out to someone you don't know.Check his behaviors to see if they have changed. Is he taking care of his body more, like working out or going to the gym. Is he buying new clothes. Is he working late more. Does he start arguments with you to get out of the house. Is he more distant or has he become overly affectionate, all guilt behaviors. Does he try new moves when he has sex with you. Or has your sex life dwindled.Some women have exclaimed that there doctor told them they have HIV and then a man will confess all.Do all of this before you confront him. You need hard evidence of cheating before making any accusations.The link I have provided helps on tips to see if your husband may be cheating:http://www.lovepanky.com/women/girl-talk/is-he-cheating-on-you
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 February 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI tried calling the number again via *67 and it just goes to an automated voice mail. Should I try directly with my number and just say "Oh sorry, wrong number"??
It's clear from the reverse number search that the number is a cell number under a male's name (someone I don't know) who is in their mid-50's. I researched that person and did see that he has a wife of that age. However, the woman who answered the phone did not sound like she was in her 50's. She had a bit of a valley girl accent, common with young women. Maybe it's their daughter's phone under a family plan? I'm not sure.
What other type of investigation should I do before confronting him?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 February 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks everyone for your response. I did do a reverse number search and it came back as a cell phone number under a man's name, who's in his mid-50's. I'm going to try calling it again and see who answers. Let you know...
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A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (19 February 2013):
One other option to throw out there is that it actually is a friend of his and his wife answered.
Though I would be a bit concerned and I would definitely ask him about it. Don't say you called her, just ask who "buddy is" and see what he says.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 February 2013): Why dont you call again and ask this woman who she is and how she knows your husband?. Dont be afraid. You will only be on the phone, not face to face. I guess speaking to someone face to face would be more nerve wracking.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 February 2013): How do you know this woman is the owner of the phone? It could be the wife or girlfriend of whoever 'buddy' is. I'd wait for now and watch to see how his behaviour is. I'd also check his phone again in a few weeks to see if there have been any further calls to the number. Don't panic just yet though, if he's asking you to search his phone then it's probably harmless.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 February 2013): Maybe the woman who answered is the wife of the real "Buddy"? Sounds very possible.
Check the call logs again.how often has he been talking to "buddy " and for how long? What days and what time of day were those calls? If it shows frequent long calls then "buddy" is probably a woman and he is having an affair. Otherwise it could very well be a guy friend and the woman who answered is his female partner.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (19 February 2013):
Before you jump off of the paranoid express here, let's think about this one logically.
If this guy had a major secret to hide, he wouldn't be asking you to search through his phone to find a number if he was hiding something from you.
Second, "buddy" could be the husband of said Anonymous Female Voice you heard. Wouldn't it be logical that husband might have a friend who's also married, and "buddy" might have the "Mrs. Buddy"?
That being said, you didn't go quite far enough in researching the number. Reverse phone number searches, Intellius phone searches of who is related closely to said owner of that phone number as well as your run-of-the-mill Google search can tell you a great deal about who owns that number.
Don't jump to conclusions yet. Say quiet, do your research (and not just the superficial stuff you've done so far), be sure, and you'll know who "buddy" is. Think about it, if "buddy" is a husband with a wife, you'll know more about them than they do if you know where to look.
Remember, cool head, cunning intellect, patience, and persistence beats out wild emotional reaction every day of the week and twice on Sundays!
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A
female
reader, falling +, writes (19 February 2013):
He's totally cheating buddy short for f@#k buddy if I were you I'd leave before you get left.But most women want to make sure and have proof before they leave but its way too obviousWhat girl do you know named buddy and if its just a friend why don't you know of her?So I think its time to get on before you get treated worse
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (19 February 2013):
 I am not as optimistic as CMMP because to me he JUST gave you a reason not to trust him. Why on earth putting a female friend under a generic and gender neutral " buddy " if this woman 's name is Jennifer or Mary or Diane ? does he call her "buddy " , or does he call her Jennifer, Mary etc. ? It seems that he does not want you to know that he is talking to a female friend or acquaintance. Now, there are dozens of legitimate reasons why he could be in contact with a woman, and unless you are irrationally, crazily jealous , I suppose you haven't prohibited him to talk to any other woman in the world. So, if " buddy " was a colleague, or a member of his club/ church / political party etc. etc.. why not file under her real name ?
Sorry but it sounds a bit fishy to me.
Your next step is , as CMMP says, to ask him, hear what's his story and watch his reactions closely. VERY closely.
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A
female
reader, ihavetoomanythoughts  +, writes (19 February 2013):
 Be worried only if he starts behaving out of the ordinary. It could just be that her name really is Buddy :S And he might have needed to call her for something about work or another. Does he call her often?
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (19 February 2013):
My guess is that he knows how nosy you are and hid it to avoid a situation like this. If it said "Jennifer" you would have probably asked him who the hell Jennifer is, right?
If he hasn't given you a reason not to trust him then in wouldn't start now. If you start down this path it could seriously mess things up between you.
If that's not good enough, ask him. Play close attention to his reaction and make your own judgment.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 February 2013): Your husband is hiding this contact from you because he is having either an emotional affair or a physical affair with this woman.
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A
female
reader, sugarplum786  +, writes (19 February 2013):
 Hi
I would be concern. But I would get all the facts together before I decide to take him on. You just might want to do some investigation yourself or hire someone to find out.
Just be prepared to handle what comes your way.
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