A
female
age
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*ordergirl
writes:I need help and don't want to unload on family and friends, so I am turning to my dearcupid family. Does anybody believe that it is possible to forgive after spouse confesses to being unfaithful. The betrayal happened long ago, and he lied to me for DECADES about this. He didn't feel that his actions ended our marriage cause he wasn't living here at the time He "deserted" me and our two children - ages 4 and 6 months. He had no contact with me or his kids for the entire month he was gone, except the one time I drove the kids to see their father. . he met us outside the apartment where he was staying and wouldn't let us in. He said he didn't leave because of "it", but tells me that the repulsive act (my words) happened within a week of him moving out. At this point I don't know what is worse the disgusting act, the lies, or that he went cheap and broke his marriage vows with a slimy, sleezy, piece of crap whore. I am extremely angry and have struggled for some time to forgive - not for him, I need to forgive for my own sake and find peace so I am able to heal from this. Can anyone give me some ideas on how to begin to move past this. We are still living in the same house, but not much of a connection left. In 3 months, we would be celebrating our 40th wedding anniversary, but I won't even acknowledge the day, as I feel that when he took the low road with his slut, he proved he is not a worthy man and definitely not worthy of my trust, love, and respect. I always thought of him as a good person and can't understand why/how he would betray me to take a ride on the village bicycle. Yep - I have become an angry revenge seeking individual and need to put those emotions in check so I can once again be the person I was prior to learning about him and the skank.
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female
reader, bordergirl +, writes (19 February 2013):
bordergirl is verified as being by the original poster of the questionDear Roxypuss - Sorry if my language offended you and that you find my description of the "enabler" appalling but I am qualified to assess her qualities. Not only did she screw my husband, but prior to my marriage to my CS, she screwed the guy I was engaged to! So my description of her is right on! It may seem that alot of the anger is directed toward her, but believe me just as much is directed toward him and his lack of morals,principles and character.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 February 2013): Is it possible to forgive? Yes, but not in your circumstances. Only once you've moved on from him and the marriage can you even think to forgive. The thing is though OP I think you're confused here. People put so much value in forgiveness but you actually don't have to forgive a person to get peace of mind. I think that may have come from religion or something because I have people who fucked me over majorly in the past that I will never forgive, but I hold no bitterness, contempt or anger towards them I just don't care, you don't need to forgive to be able to move on from those emotions. You can get to a stage of apathy instead.
Look OP if your anger is fresh because you only recently found out then take your time and if you don't want to unload on family and friends then unload on a counsellor, that's what they're there for, make no mistake OP you do need to unload on someone.
Now I assume your kids are grown and adults now. So there is nothing keeping you in that house, maybe you need to move out for a little while to take stock. I mean moving on from this is going to be incredibly difficult when you see his face every day and have to interact with him. Maybe it's time you got some space, some freedom.
OP forgiveness is overrated. Forgiveness is often an excuse for weakness too. People too often look to forgiveness in the hopes of making them accept the unacceptable, people who are being abused for example forgive as an excuse to stay and be even more abused. People say they forgive when in fact they're just weak.
Aim for apathy instead OP. He did the unforgivable in your mind so why try and force yourself to forgive? So you can continue to live with him in this marriage? Why?
Some things should just not be forgiven, if my fiancee cheated I would never forgive her and I'd work more towards apathy instead of forgiveness. Not caring is far better for peace of mind in my opinion. But I certainly wouldn't still be living with her, she'd be out of my life and I'd have moved on before I got a stage of not caring.
My point is OP, forgiveness is an acceptance of the act, I will never forgive some acts but I'm not going to cry about them or lie awake at night just because I don't forgive. I just don't care.
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A
female
reader, Roxypuss  +, writes (19 February 2013):
Wow some of your language in reference to this other woman is appalling. Slut, skank, whore, think about where you direct your anger please, at most this other woman is an enabler, you don't know what he lied to her about his and she clearly ditched him because she couldn't handle his downfalls any more than you can right now.You need to put your blame where it's most apt, on the guy. I'm guessing you're actually most hurt by him lying. He needs to prove he's trust worthy before he's worth keeping. By that he needs to honestly explain why he did it and what happened and what his thoughts were at the time, while he does that you need to hold back your anger because it's important to encourage honesty even if what he says is insulting or wrong it's the only way you can sort stuff out. When/if he comes cleans about his motivations and what he perceives as problems with the relationship you need to agree how to address them and he needs to agree to address the things your hurt about. If he can't do any of this there's no future for you too, he'll just do it again next time he's feeling down about the relationship and can't discuss it and since he's not making an effort to make you happy either he's not worth keeping.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 February 2013): I think you need to move out and divorce him first before you can forgive him. You will be in a stronger position from having taken meaningful action and thus less vulnerable to the hurt and can then afford to be more generous enough to forgive. But right now while still living with him and legally married and having this farce of a 40th wedding anniversary coming up you are filled with cognitive dissonance so you are stuck and cannot move forward emotionally. Forgiving does not equate to staying married. You can forgive him and still divorce him. In fact that might be the only way you can forgive him. By staying married you are keeping yourself too close to the pain because nothing has changed as a result of what he did to you. You can't forgive if you are continually consumed with pain that never heals.
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A
female
reader, Honeygirl  +, writes (19 February 2013):
 Hon, you need to find yourself a counsellor so that you can chat to someone.
From there you can decide if you really want to stay in the marriage or want to go out on your own.
Alternatively, you need to find a marriage counsellor and BOTH partners need to attend to try and find some resolution in this marriage. I do think that whatever choice you make it is going to be very hard as it sounds like you have held onto this anger and resentment for a very long time.
I can understand how you feel about your anniversary - your whole marriage is now based on LIES - so it is basically just another day.
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A
female
reader, sugarplum786 +, writes (19 February 2013):
 Hi, sounds like he shacked up with someone when he left. Also this woman was in the house when you took the kids to visit.If he was man enough, he would be totally honest and admit he left the marriage for another woman and it failed and he came back to you because he knew you would take him back. It sucks, but if you cant forgive him then dont waste any more time staying with him and move on in life. You decide the path you would like your life to take.
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