A
female
age
36-40,
*mma_ryan
writes:My husband is in the army and has been in Iraq for the last 10 months, he is due home in less then 3 weeks. This is his first tour and it has been very emotional for the both of us. (we were only married 6 months when he left)He is a huge momma's boy and she is very excited for him to come home. Together with his mom I helped plan a huge homecoming party for him.His mother has since planned several other dinners and gathering for the weeks following his return. Even making plans for us to spend the first couple of weeks at her house instead of our own place. But I was looking forwad to spending some much needed alone time with him. How can I explain that we need and want some alone time with out hurting her feelings or me looking like a bitch? Reply to this Question
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male
reader, cursed4life  +, writes (27 March 2009):
Let his mom be a mom. The first couple weeks of his return are going to be fragile. Dont be pushy. As much as you want to go here and there and spend time with him, understand that he has been working 7 days a week. He might very well want to just be lazy for a lil while. And if he asks to be left alone from time to time, do so.
A
female
reader, Emilysanswers  +, writes (27 March 2009):
What ever she has planned, he's going to cancel anyway.
I'm an army wife (my husband has done 3 months in Kosovo and 2x 6 months tours in Iraq since we got together) and TRUST me when I say that all he will want to do when he gets home is lie on the sofa being a boring selfish bastard and play on the xbox for 3 weeks solid. He'll want to go into his cave and hide till he feels safe and normal again.
He'll go the party and at every door slam, every party popper, every balloon burst, he will be on the floor. And then there will be a horrible awkward silence and everyone will pity him and he'll be horribly embarrassed. He'll be freaked out by large numbers of people and loud music.
I don't know how much your husband has told you about his time over there, and how much he has told his mum, but she may need to hear some home truths about living day and night with the constant threat of having a mortar alarm go off and knowing you have 3 seconds to hit the floor and then if you are lucky it'll land far enough away that you will only get your eardrums blown out and not lose any limbs.
He'll be off social lives, he'll be off you!
He's been living with noise and mortar alarms and early starts and other annoying people every single day. All he wants to do is do nothing and be on his own in the quiet for a while.
You probably will worry about your marriage a LOT in those first few weeks. He'll have changed and it will take him about 6 weeks to readjust and become the man you married again.
I'm really surprised the army hasn't briefed you on all this!
Here is some information you might find useful to print out and give to his mum. Point out that you BOTH have made a lot of assumptions about what he'll want to do and may need to tone it down a bit. (If you take half the "blame" then she will be more willing to rethink with you about stuff.)
http://www.aff.org.uk/deployments.htm
If you click on the link for the "guide for the families" and then scroll down to "coming home" then there is lots of useful stuff about how they should be treated till they get back to normal.
Also, you could ask her just to confirm some date with you and go through her plans just to make sure you've got them "written down right" and then just innocently ask if she could maybe book in some days where you and he could have some time together.
I have to say she is being quite insensitive to you and him. Has no one pointed out to her that he might want to spend some time with his new wife? Get him to tell her that he is just looking forward to spending a bit of time alone with you.
Good Luck!! xx
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A
female
reader, wonderingcat +, writes (27 March 2009):
 Mothers always think their sons are their lovely little boys ^-^
They may have gotten taller and bigger and older, but in their mothers' eyes, they are still the lovely babies they gave birth to and raised. "Letting go" even when their sons are already married is sometimes hard for mothers. Just watch sit-coms like "Everybody Loves Raymond", or "My Big Fat Greek Wedding".
Do you know how long your boyfriend will be home for this time, before he gets deployed again? Perhaps you can ask your mother, that she has had him for - lets say 20 years - while you only had him for 6 months basically, so you need more time with him as newlyweds? [wink]
If that doesn't work, then ask your husband, as Eyeswideopen said below.Sometimes it is good to put the men in the spot LOL
Have a great homecoming party, and [ahem] a second helping of the honeymoon period ;-)
Cat
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (27 March 2009):
 Maybe you should ask your husband to be the one to speak up? After all it's his mother.
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A
female
reader, minnie_me  +, writes (27 March 2009):
just explain to her that you are happy to do some things with her but you will need some time on your own with him so that you can both catch up on time you have missed out. she must remember that you are stil newly wed!
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A
female
reader, kellyxxx +, writes (27 March 2009):
 just tell her that you are looking forward to plans that she has made however you would like to spend some time alone. tell her that you have missed him just as much as she has but she needs to remember that you are still newlyweds.x
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