A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I am needing some advice and am not sure what to do about my marriage.My husband refuses to look for work or get a job.First off, he is not depressed at all. He has seen the doctor for an evaluation and he is not depressed.He was laid off last year from a job he had held for 5 years. He hated the job and was happy to not have it anymore.My first mistake was telling him he could wait a couple months before looking. Those 2 months turned into a little over a year now.In February he decided to take a short training course to improve his skills.That was my 2nd mistake as it was a waste of time to stall for 6 months of not having to get a job. It was only part time. He has done nothing with the material he learned in the course.So now it has been 3 months since he finished the course and he has applied for 4 or 5 jobs because I forced him.I gave him an ultimatum last month that he needed to look for for or I would leave.He has not applied for a job since then. All he does is play video games and watch tv shows.I really get the feeling he is messing with me as he knows I will keep on working. Should I have one more talk with him or just do as I said I would and leave?What should I say to him?We are about to lose our house too.
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female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (3 September 2012):
 A year is more than long enough. Given that you're now in financial distress I'd say it's been too long, so you have been more than fair. 'For better or for worse' applies to BOTH parties. He has, in effect, cancelled whatever agreements you made to one another.
We can speculate ad infinitum about what's going on in his head but that isn't going to pay the bills or put food on the table.
If you have all the information you need and have a plan of action, go ahead and put it in motion.
A
male
reader, rescuer01  +, writes (3 September 2012):
Honey,I'm sorry,if there isn't nothing medical going on with him and he is just being lazy and not trying to get a job,then you need send him on his merry way or at least give him 2 choices.Get a job to help out around there or go.
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A
female
reader, dearkelja +, writes (3 September 2012):
 A year is long enough.
He does this because he can.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 September 2012): Thanks for all the replies. This is the op.I made a mistake in my age and we are in our 30s.He knows we are losing the house. He doesn't care. i have already contacted the bank and they are given us time to catch up but unless he gets working that won't happen. i already found out all my legals options.He isn't even trying to find a job at all. He refuses to look.I tried a period of just being nice and not saying anything to him about it. It doesn't work. He would just continue to sit and play games as long as I allow it.There are plenty of jobs where we live. We are't in a recession here so there really is no excuse.I have talked to him about this and he would look for a day or two or pretend to look and then right back to sitting on the sofa doing nothing. He doesn't help around the house either. The lawn hasn't been mowed in 6 months. He is young healthy and able bodied and mind.OTOH I haven't been well suffering from severe depression and have an injury that is healing but causes me a lot of pain.Do you agree that a year is long enough to put up with this?I did give him the ultimatum. I am prepared to follow through with it.I just can't fathom why someone wouldn't want to contribute to the marriage but instead acts like an over grown teen.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (2 September 2012):
 you told him to find a job or you would leave.... time to leave....
you can't make idle threats.... if you give an ultimatium you must be prepared to go through with it.
also contact the back that holds your mortgage and find out how to protect yourself after you move out and the house is not your problem.
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A
female
reader, dearkelja +, writes (2 September 2012):
I agree with the posters and want to reiterate, you are the one with the money and you will be the one left holding the bag-the bad debt, any funding that goes along with losing the house will be put in your name as the courts only go after the sure bet.
Can you kick him to the curb until he can help out and find a renter to help you make payments?
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (2 September 2012):
 I would start by selling all his computer/game-cube and games.
I would also sit down and make a budget, show him black on white what's going on financially. It might be that the job market is hard and he feels emasculated by having you take care of everything, his response is to act like a 5 year old.
Then figure out what I would need to get a place of my own and move out.
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm  +, writes (2 September 2012):
 I think if that was happening to me, my survival instinct would kick in and I'd revert back to self preservation very quickly.
You have already lost the house, so any financial resources you have left, you need to use to find a roof for yourself and make sure you have everything you need.
It's time for your husband to wake up and smell the coffee...no job, no roof, no food...nada!!!
Of course if he wants to get off his arse and grow up, find a job and start behaving like a husband again, then maybe you can make things work again.
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A
female
reader, sarcy24 +, writes (2 September 2012):
 Aunty Bim Bim has made a very valid point regarding ultimatums. As she says don't issue one unless you truly feel you can carry it out. I am in the same age bracket as you and have made countless 'ultimatums' and never followed them through, they were always to try and get people to change but they never do and they soon realise you are words and no action. I am in a simailr position, I was forced into letting my husband take a loan out on our house so he could pay a tax bill and now he can't pay it back so it is likely we will lose our home. I can understand where you are coming from big time and if you have the strength I would leave him as he is taking advantge of your good nature. Yes , he knows you will carry on working and he is sitting on his arse doing nothing and soon will conveniently become unemployable as few employers like such a big gap of not working. If you leave, after about a week he is going to think 'shit, I am going to have to do something as wifey is no longer going to support me'. I know you don't want to leave him but I feel he needs a reality check and he is turning into a sponger. You are fortunate that the doctor didn't say that he had depression or you would have found it well nigh impossible to get him back to work. You have supported him long enough now so it is now time to look after yourself.
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A
male
reader, MikeEa1 +, writes (2 September 2012):
 This is a subject that I feel strongly about about as I have had my own disappointments in this area. In a relationship each partner must pull his own weight by the mutually agreed expectation. This is very important as money is important to survival and if there is any expectation that one partner should provide more than the other then this understanding should be underlined and in capital letters. This is not a minor detail. It is also traditional that the male should provide more than the female. However in the modern day it should be more equal. There has to be a serious discussion as his expectation is unrealistic.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim +, writes (2 September 2012):
 The problem with ultimatums is that you have to follow through with them, if he is not depressed, and was happy to lose his job and is doing nothing pro active to find another, and you are looking down the barrel at losing your house, the first thing you need to do is find out what YOUR financial situation is going to be if the house goes. You are the only one working, so who do you think is going to be stuck with paying any outstanding debts on the house if it goes.
Check out your legal situation, even if it means paying for a lawyer, he/she may advise getting rid of the house before you lose it, personally if the house was about to go I would sign it over to him and walk, but that's just me and it may not be legally possible.
If you do decide to leave the house is lost anyway, as he doesn't seem interested in doing anything to keep it. So seek legal advise and then decide which is the best direction for you from there, don't consider your husband at this stage, get yourself set or in a place where you know all the financial ramifications and then make your decision what to do about him, ie keep him in the manner he has become acustomed to or kick his sorry self out of there!
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A
female
reader, kellyO +, writes (2 September 2012):
 Dear Anom,
After reading your post i felt i needed to reply because i have seen people in similar situations. The first thing i looked at from your post is the age listing.
I have come to realize that some people feel this way when they have worked for a long time especially if they have doing the same things. My advise would be to sit him down and talk to him again. Make him see that you are about to loose the house and you are not coping with the bills alone with him out of work. Support his option of trying something new it doesn't have to be his old kind of job right? It could also be he is having trouble looking for another job and he doesn't want to tell you?Maybe you can help guide him with different jobs readily available he could try.Is hard to believe that he is deliberating not wanting to help out even at the cost of losing the house.
Hugs
Kelly
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