A
female
age
41-50,
*msforever
writes:I am so confused as what to do with my marriage. My husband and I dated for about over 3 years before we got married. We moved in together after a year of dating. After a couple of years I started noticing that our bills weren't being payed on time even though I chip in my part and every time I confronted him he'd have some kind of excuse and they were believable but not I'm not sure if I can even trust him. The first apartment we lost was due to his gambling addiction which he admitted to, but this is now our 3rd apartmentt. In the last 4 years he does a lot of umpiring and works full time and even when I do put money towards the rent etc we're still broke, I don't know where to go from here. This time he said he paid the rent and the rental office came by and said it wasn't paid. When I do confront him he gets defensive and I end up feeling like the bad guy. I have 3 children from a previous marriage who see me on the weekends, I just don't think it's good for them to see me move constantly.Please help any advice would be great.Mel
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 September 2009): addicts need to hit bottom so that they can realize that no one is going to save them. You being around is preventing that. If you love him you have to take control of the situation. I would organize an intervetion, and if it works get him intoa recovery group. If it doesn't pack your stuff and get out. Any roommate would be better than this... at least your money would be going to pay the bills.
A
female
reader, Debking79  +, writes (10 September 2009):
 Dear Mel,
I am sorry you are going through this.
I agree with Uncle Phil. Confront him on your terms and be firm. If you know any of his friends who are familiar with the situation or mutual friends, enlist their help and have them be there with you when you do this. Not being able to make rent is a symptom of his addiction. Though it is extremely frustrating and painful for you, I would keep that part out when you confront him. Focus on him and his problem and try to deflect his defensiveness by bringing it back to the root of the problem - He has an addiction to gambling and you know he is lying to cover it up. Do not mention the missing rent money.
Ask him, and be straightforward, "I love you and I know you have a problem! Do you see it and are you going to get help?" In case he will not listen to reason, Have all of your bags packed and a place to stay ready, or have all of his things packed and ready and a place for him to stay. The most important thing is to focus, stay calm, not give in to his immaturity and not let him make this a screaming fight. Again, be firm and do not cave in!
Have the phone number for Gambling Anonymous ready. You can also contact them in your area and they will help you!!!!: http://www.gamblersanonymous.org/mtgdirCAN.html
He needs to recognize that he has a problem and be willing to take the steps to fix it before anything else can happen. If he will not say he knows he has a problem and is willing to fix it you have your own choices to make. 1.Stay with him and accept the way he is, but take control of the check book and finances and give him an allowance.
2.Continue to allow him to ruin both your lives and complicate you children's lives, or . . .
3. Leave. Right then and there.
I wish you the best of luck.
LMNOPeace,
Deb
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 September 2009): The "lying" means you two arent on the same page.Have a rationale conversation about this, not one where you try to bully him, because that is where the lies are coming from. He wants a gambling fund, you dont, so you to are at an impasse. We are past the point where you should be "chipping in". You clearly need to take over and be the one pays the rent with your own little hands. And the lighting and heat and car insurance and whatever else needs to be stable so you can have a life. Unless he stops gambling altogether, which frankly doesnt seem to be on the table, you'll need to sit down with a planner and write some percentage of his salary off as a dead loss. Maybe its 20%, %50, 70%- thats his gambling money so assume its gone. The rest of his income should be direct deposited into an account that only you control and is used to pay your common living expenses. Most firms have the ability to split the direct deposit of a pay check. Give him his chunk with a sigh never to be seen again and imagine how much worse it would be if the guy was a boat owner. Thats your life and thats the way its likely to be for years to come, sorry. Maybe he will wake up one day to the money he's lost if you keep records but you cannot count on that. So make the necessary arrangement to give yourself stability.
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A
male
reader, softtouchmale2003 +, writes (10 September 2009):
 I am so sorry for your grief! Gambling like all other addictions is a serious problem.
All addicts are far too self-absorbed in their addiction to care or even reach out for help.
You're experiencing what amounts to the exact situation as if you were dealing with a drug addict or alcoholic.
This is self-destructive behavior and its a problem your husband has to get under control.
Like all other addictions, it can't be cured. The only way for him to control it is to get help. And the only way he can get help is if he admits he can't control himself. Its a catch-22.
He has to admit rather than deny his addiction.
Though you haven't said it yet, I am certain that you have begged and pleaded with him to get help or stop, and he just ignored that.
There's only one way to deal with this if he won't go get help or let you take him to get help: that's to tell him to leave.
Some addicts when they are finally out on the street and hit rock-bottom, will eventually go get the help they need. In his case, by tolerating his behavior, even though you don't want to, you're enabling him. You're condoning his activities. So the only way to make it dead-certain to him that you are neither enabling nor condoning it, is to put him out on the street UNTIL he gets help.
When he gets help, and you have a chance to see the improvement in his life (and this will take months to do), you can consider taking him back in.
I know its harsh, but if you do love him, if you truly do, he needs to stop this. Its hurting you and your children; but remember, he's suffering too. To him, if he can't control his gambling, he's in emotional pain as well. But this is the kind of pain that you can't take away from him.
The only other possible solution for you, and this is again something you could consider but it may or may not work, is to force him to go to gamblers anonymous and stay there with him, every night if need-be, and make him go through the program. The only problem I see with that is that if he doesn't want to be there or admit his addiction, then the program won't work. He has to want the help.
That's why the tough love solution is often the only one.
Very few people have the personal strength to say no to their addictions.
I was a very heavy drinker for many years until one day I decided for myself that I wanted to stop drinking altogether. One day in 1993, I realized how unhappy and hurt I was when I drank. I had no way to enjoy life when I was drinking.
Determined to try and at least find a way back to happiness, I put the bottle down and I never picked it up again. I stopped on my own, but then again I was extremely determined to beat my addiction to alcohol. Not everyone can do this. To this day I won't drink, but am comfortable sitting in a bar and drinking diet sodas or water. I hate alcohol that much, even though I love the taste of it.
The same can be said of gambling. If your husband isn't motivated to stop, he will continue despite all of the hurt that its putting on your heart, and all of the pain he's inflicting on himself.
I wish you luck and hope that you can find a way to get help for him. Its a shame that he's doing this and dragging you down with him.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 September 2009): He obviously needs to get a grip of his gambling. It's an addiction just the same as alcoholism and equally expensive.
He's lying to you about it. The rent office wouldn't tell you the rent hasn't been paid if it has. The outcome will be that you'll all be out on the street sooner or later.
You need to be quite firm with him and let him know the marriage will be over if he doesn't stop gambling and lying to you about it - and mean what you say, no second chances. You've got your kids to look out for and it'll be them that suffer the most if you end up homeless.
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A
female
reader, sunnycomet +, writes (10 September 2009):
 Wow...your in a bad situation. However you can't allow him to continue like this. I know you tried to talk to him and he got defensive but you really need to get it through to him that this has to stop. You've paid up your part of the rent and it's not fair that you have to deal with this.
Suggest he gets help for this like counseling.
If he is not going to listen to you then you need to think if he is really worth this. Your are going to have so many money problems and it is only going to get worst. Also it sounds like he doesn't respect you by doing this to you.
Good Luck! I hope everything works out well for you.
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