A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Why when my husband and I have sex we always have to have porn on. When it is not on and we are kissing sometimes he gets on hard, but most of the time he is soft until we have porn on every night.We were apart for almost 2yrs and he said this is what he did all the time to satisfy hiself to keep from not wanting another woman. He also said he had been doing this in between him having girlfriends so he has been watching porn for some time to satisfy hiself.He swears up and down how much he loves me I am always included when it comes to his friends or if he goes to a wedding or even when he started work he introduced me to everyone.Sex is very good we do have sex practically every night and that is no joke, he is sexually active and I do have sex with him, because I don't want him to keep turning to porn where he will start to be satisfied with that and not have sex with me. Even after we have sex for hours and I am satisfied he will then take care of hisself with porn most of the time this is what he does after sex and swears up and down he was satisfied when we just made love. The whole thing boils down to I have noticed he doesn't get on hard with just he and I if there is no porn on. When porn is on we have really good sex, because it turns him on to the fullest, but I don't feel loved if he can't get on hard with me.What should i do?
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female
reader, angelDlite  +, writes (24 January 2011):
 hi
he has given himself a sexual disorder. if he cannot perform without the aid of porn this is a PROBLEM (what would he do in the event of an electricity failure? - he'd be rendered useless)
he is in turn though gonna give YOU a problem! this is enough to wreck your self confidence i think. IF he wants to stay married to you and have a loving sex-life with you rather than just use you as a masturbatory aid; he needs to get along to a sex therapist. he needs to re-train him self to have sex with YOU, not with porn
xx
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 January 2011): What a lovely reply/follow-up from the original poster. I'm sure we all wish her happiness. From her follow-up. this may well be possible, I so hope so!
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 January 2011): Thank you all so much for your input, it has helped me out on what I should do. Its funny because after I wrote this he came home and made love to me with no porn on, it's as if when this bothers me he comes home from work and does what is normal in my eyes and me not even telling him this was what I was going to discuss with him when he were to arrive home.I am grateful to the writer that said his mind is dependent on porn for so long that he cannot separate it from actuality. That sentence summed it all.Also he can't be bored we have only been married for 3 yrs and when I first met him in his country we made love non stop with no porn what so ever, 100's of times. I did notice the next couple of times I went to visit with him the porn started coming out and I asked if he had an addiction, because he would literaly move my body or hair out of the way so he could get a good view while having sex with me, but he denied having an addiction until I screamed it out of him and then he said yes he does have an addiction the first year, but then I read that I shouldn't stop him from looking so I let it slide and said it was ok, only to find out now that we have been back together for 9 months that he has really become strongly addicted. He does so much for me where I know he loves me, he stayed by my side in the hospital, he nursed me for many months from surgery, he bought me a car for Christmas, he's always cuddling me and fondling me and kissing and holding hands. He even made sure when he came to the country he would find work to take care of me and he did just that.Its just that now we have to fix this porn addiction and then our marriage will be perfect (I know nothing is perfect) but this marriage is so close to it, if porn had not been involved.Thank you all again now I shall leave, because we have some work to do over this way.
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A
female
reader, Cielito +, writes (22 January 2011):
 it sounds like porn has become a habit for him but also that he is oncredibly loyal to you and the other women he has been with. maybe even to the point of having sex always within a relationship. i am guessing at this part. maybe there are too many bounderies or his own safety measures binding him from being present with you. possibly its scary to connect with you in a room with no other distractions. its not that he doesn't love but that he hasn't maybe learned to simply be with another person for alsorts of possible reasons, intimacy, a trust of sorts. maybe talk and find out what he likes about the porn, maybe share some of your fantasies with him too. i liked the idea of making your own video. maybe let him watch you touching yourself or undressing for him. something that is further away from him, arousing him.i don't know if there is a stres around sex butmaybe have a clear time when you don't have sex but focus on the tender loving side of your relationship. share a bath together or dance together.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 January 2011): Amazing as ever, the woman is being given tips to spice things up, dress up, massage him all over, could the DVD player get a teeny bit more broken... Please, do you not think this woman has not done any of these things. Of course she has!He has a problem, and that is not going to be addressed by her pandering to this. He is NOT connecting with her emotionally to make love. If she constantly either has to dress up, massage him, or become more dominating you are merely exchanging one problem for another - he CAN'T make to love his wife without props! No more, no less, he can't make love without any outside stimulation.And the fact they have spent two years apart, is even more worrying that he is not switching back to normal love-making. Yes, anything becomes habit after six weeks, that is the time we need to register a habit to become part of our life. However, they are made by conscious choices, as he has done, now he needs to see this is not normal, and either set about changing it himself, or get professional help for his addiction. It is not down to his wife to compensate for his psychological problems.
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (22 January 2011):
 Ok well it sounds to me like it is more to do with habit on your husbands part more so than anything else. This is the way he has learned to turn himself on and its more about trying to break that habit now. I dont doubt that he loves you or even that he doesnt find you a turn on, remember it is just a habit he has.
Now the case is trying to break this habit. Try and suggest new things to him. Maybe dress up for him or ask him about fantasies that you could do for him. Talk to him and tell him that although you wouldnt mind porn now and again you just want to try new things without it.
A good idea if you would be comfortable with it would be maybe to record your own personal video. Try recording the both of you making love maybe dress up for it and make your own personal porn video that he could watch to turn himself on.
However if you are not comfortable with this then just ask him has he any new ideas to spice things up and also you may have a few ideas yourself to spice things up.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 January 2011): Your husband is addicted to porn, clear and simple! This is a very unhealthy situation for you and your marriage, as he is not connecting on a romantic or emotional level with you.And you have become accustomed to talking about the physical side of your relationship as 'SEX' not making love, you have not mentioned once about the fact of any emotional bonding to make love. Only porn turns him on, only porn enables him to have an erection - and you say this is good sex???He only performs, as he is not making love to you, because of images of others having sex, ask yourself, is this what you want for your marriage?If not, then you need to take control of this, as I assure any man who cannot make love to a woman without porn has become desensitized to normal, healthy love making with his partner. The longer you accept this, and only have sex by him watching porn, then you too, are becoming led into a way of life where sex is only a clinical act.I would advise you to talk seriously about this with your husband, tell him you are not happy only having sex through him watching porn. If he won't curb this, then I'm afraid this is not something that will stand still, nothing stagnates, and it will get worse as the years go by. Take a look at all the postings on Porn, of wives who have put up with this, and how they feel used, and become nothing more than bodies to copulate with their men without any emotional bonding whatsoever.Act now, as your husband is seriously addicted if what you say is accurate.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 January 2011): It sounds like he may be addicted to porn... I think he needs to focus more on that than anything right now. If he can under no circumstances get hard with YOU an you only, there's an issue. As a last resort, I would try wearing something sexy and trying to maybe be more domineering, and if that doesn't turn him on, you have a serious issue. It could be one of two things as far as I'm concerned, and that's that he's just not into you sexually anymore (boredom), or he has an addiction to porn as well as sex even. Maybe try being less available? If he pleases himself time and time again after you've gotten him off already, and this is on a daily basis, your man has an addiction to sex and/or porn and it has nothing to do with his attraction to you. I recommend reading up on porn addiction and looking into getting him some help.
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A
female
reader, SweetSmoochy +, writes (22 January 2011):
 He has an addiction. Try to get him to seek help for it, and explain how much it hurts you that this is going on. That will make him more likely to get help. No one wants to hurt the ones they love.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 January 2011): If you do something continuously for 6 weeks it becomes a habit.And that is all it is, a habit. One that originated when he was alone and sexually frustrated. And now he's having trouble relinguishing the habit.Shake things up a little. massage him all over, using honey or nutella, then offer to start licking it all off him in the bathroom, but go finish off in the shower, afterall, otherwise you would end up consuming a jar of nutella. If you get a chance go on a camping or fishing trip where there are only tents and no porn facilities. At the very least try going to out of the way walking trips with him, far far away, where you get out of the car, stretch your legs. And as long as there are no bears, children nor people around, suggest making love in the forest, near a waterfall etc. the novelty of a different approach just might helpPay him lots of compliments on how and why he is so much superior to the porn stars.When he goes to finish himself off, clamp your jaws of life over his erection and you finish him off with your tongue.Get energetic during sex so he can't see the screen, even if you have to use some silk scarves and the bed posts to assist you.Does he watch it direct from the internet or does he have the largest supply of DVDs in the world? Or does he use a dedicated channel on pay tv?If DVD any chance the DVD machine could get a teeny little bit of temporary disabling?
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 January 2011): Oh no! This man has become used to a certain stimulation with porn and as a result, the sex life suffers. This isnt good because it shows his mind is dependent on it. At best, Ill imply he has an addiction to it and should be psychologically addressed so you two can have a healthy sex life. Good luck.
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