A
female
age
,
*ndylou
writes:I haven't had sex with my husband for nearly 8 months. I went off sex quite a few years ago mainly because i had no confidence and felt that my husband was always criticising me. I lost confidence in everything, comfort eating and making every excuse under the sun to avoid having sex. I would usually give in about every 6 weeks just to avoid rows. A couple of years ago, I just got up one morning and left. I lived apart from my husband for about 10 months but then returned because i felt my children were suffering and i talked myself into returning. Things were better for a while but gradually things deteriorated and i found myself back where i started. My confidence went and I started making excuses again. I had a stroke in january and this meant that I could again avoid sex. Around about this time, I discovered that my husband was accessing porn sites. I didn't really blame him as I wasn't giving him what he needed. I thought - let him get on with it. However, my 17 year old son found the sites on his history page and I thought this was unacceptable. I sent my husband an email suggesting that he delete his history page. I thought this might give him the opportunity, knowing that i was now aware of his access to porn, to talk to me about it. He just said it wasn't him and that it was my son! I had a long talk with my son and know that he wasn't the one accessing the porn. I have turned a blind eye to it, but have been checking his history. He is still accessing the sites. I thought i could deal with it, but i feel disgusted and if there ever was a chance of us having sex, I certainly don't want it now. Surely, he should be talking to me and sorting our problems out, rather than looking at graphic images. I know it isn't fair to ask for a sexless marriage, but how can I even contemplate a physical relationship with someone i consider to be a pervert?
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 June 2007): Before you pass judgement on your spouse completely, don't rule out the possibility that your son may not be telling you the uttmost truth. I know it's hard to believe, we all think we know our kids so well, but a 17-year old is hardly a kid anymore and it could be that he's incredibly embarrassed to tell you the truth. At any rate, your whole family could probably benefit from some kind of counseling. You will never be able to heal your marriage and feel sexually alive with your spouse if you don't get to the root of what's going on with the both of you. If he's been accessing the porn sites, he may have a serious addiction. On the other hand, you need to look inwards and try to understand why you lost your attraction to him (even prior to the porn discovery). Also keep in mind that kids are very resilliant and it may be more important for you to be happy without your spouse. They can still have a relationship with their Dad, but not at the expense of it costing you so much pain. It may be time for you to file for divorce and move on with your life, but try counseling first. I wish you the best.
A
female
reader, Samira +, writes (6 June 2007):
It must be so hurtful when your husband who is supposed to love you continually puts you down. This then has a huge impact on your self-confidence and esteem, so no wonder you don’t want to have sex? Then to go on to find that he is looking at porn, this can leave you with very mixed emotions, because on one hand you don’t want to have sex with him because you don’t feel confident because he puts you down, but on the other hand it could leave you wondering “what’s wrong with me”. Have you tried telling your husband how it makes you feel when he criticizes you?By opening up and talking in a calm and relaxed environment you can some times find out so much about one another, Also maybe unconsciously your husband wanted you to find those web sites, maybe that was him trying to tell you that he wanted to be intimate again. Men can some times find it very hard to talk about their feelings and they then find other ways to let out their frustration i.e. – by putting you down, because underneath he probably feels very put down and criticized by you also. Because every time you refuse to sleep with him he starts feeling pushed away and probably like he’s not good enough for you, so he resorts to porn. The up side to this is that he isn’t going else where to find sex, and even though you find it quite perverted that he is looking at porn, I do think that this should be taken into account. You and your Husband defiantly need to talk, and if this doesn’t work then maybe you need a mediator during your discussions, like a close friend or maybe an outsider like a relationship councillor. Whatever the out come, I hope you finally resolve theses issues, and I hope this message was some help.
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reader, I Dont Lie +, writes (6 June 2007):
 Maybe you could try looking at this from a different angle, why hasnt he conveyed how he felt about the lack of sex after you confronted him about the pornography? Why did he even contemplated looking at pornography? The answers are in your question.
You have to realise that having sex to suit your liking will be extremely hard for your husband, not to mention the lack thereof You said he should have talked to you about it, but bearing in mind, you both had had a bad sexual relationship to begin with. If you would have compromised the sex with him, instead of avoiding it (once every 6 weeks is quite a long while to go dry), Im pretty sure he would've tried talking to you to sort this out when you confronted him. Right now, he clearly thinks its quite pointless to talk to you about it, so why even admit to it. But you are right in one thing though, he should not have blamed it on your son!
But all is not lost though. You have to first try and change your views about pornography. Watching pornography doesnt make one a pervert. Try to think of him accessing the pornography purely as a form of release of sexual frustration, which it clearly is. Also, have a sit down and talk to him about issues, starting from non-sexual ones. Sexual problems are just the surface or things, you need to find out why you completely went off sex. Could it be that he's always putting you down, could it be that you both always argue, could it be that there is a lack of communication, these are the sort of questions you should be looking at. Good luck.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 June 2007): Your relationship with your husband has broken down because both of you made it happen - don't be too judgemental, but equally be realistic about whether this relationship is right for you. He may be coping the best way he knows how. He may be equally disgusted with you putting on weight, ruining your health and having a stroke and that would be understandable too! If that hurts I am sorry, I am sure you would prefer understanding for the place you find yourself, as I expect would he, if he is a good man.Your husband sought relief from the internet porn available to him and you can't really blame him that he still is. You can't blame you for not liking it either. He is not a pervert, he is looking at those things because it is all he has and it is RUDE. Men and boys like rude things, no offence to you. Someone has to break this cycle. You need to come up with a plan, discuss it with your husband and work on it together. At the moment you are coping separately and holding huge amounts of resentment for him. How worried must he have been when you had the stroke? If he loves you I am sure it was a very stressful time. Try to stop being negative and start looking for a way to resolve this.This is the sort of plan I mean: 1. Go see a doctor and get some help with a diet for the sake of your health and self confidence. 2. Ask the doctor about help with re-igniting your libido. This can be acheived with the use of hormones, particularly methyltestosterone patches or tablets (look it up on line). 3. Talk to your husband about the fact that you would like to save your relationship and love him (if you do). Tell him what you plan to do, but make a condition that he must stop looking at the porn now and work with you on improving your love life. 4. Take it slowly, start rebuilding your intimate emotional life with him and regaining trust. Spend nice times together and laugh. Hopefully you will start to build your trust, especially by treating each other with some tenderness, forgiveness and compassion. I hope you do well and good luck.
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reader, mcbirdie +, writes (6 June 2007):
 Oh, goodness. This is quite a tangled mess you're in now. Unfortunately, I don't think that this is something that you're going to be able to sort out on your own--I think you are very due for some time in with a couple's counsellor, and perhaps a therapist for yourself to get to the root of why you feel so unconfident.
You are right in that you cannot expect your husband to have a completely sexless marriage and not have an outlet somewhere. And to be honest, I think porn is one of the least painful options he could have taken. I am very concerned with your communication. You say that you wanted him to take the opportunity to talk to you, but you chose to initiate communication with him via email. Why did you feel the need to email someone who you live and sleep with?
You need to be able to get to a place where you and your husband can sit down and talk about what you need and want from each other, honestly and with respect. I can understand that his porn habit may not be to your taste, but I think it would help you to consider his fidelity to you, his steadfastness in this relationship, and try to get back to a point of respecting him for those things.
This is a problem that has gone on for so long that breaking these patterns is going to be incredibly difficult. I suggest that you find an unbiased party to help get you through the roughest parts.
Best of luck to you and your family.
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