A
female
age
51-59,
*issinghimwithallmyheart
writes:Hi Cupids.I am in a very difficult situation and I need help.I had an emotional affair with a married man for a year. I told my husband about it and now my husband no longer trust me. I fully understand his feelings and he has a right to them because I betrayed him. The other man has now distanced himself from me because he realized that this relationship was headed into physical affair territory. Also probably because he was not ready to move forward and wanted to work on his marriage. He never told me all of this, he just suddenly disappeared. And so I have lost him from my life just like that, cold turkey, no explanation, although the disappearing act says it all. I am deep pain because I have lost a person I was very connected to and made me feel special. I feel like I was in love with him. Now I am left with the fall out and the pieces of my shattered marriage to put back together.I am heart broken after losing this man. I feel like I can't go on anymore. I am down about everything in my life and cannot focus anymore. It seems nothing matters anymore. My husband has compounded my distress by always smothering me every chance he gets with accusations, questions, comments about the other man. I told my husband that I was in the other man's house but that was because our children were playing together. My husband thinks something physical happened between us at that time but nothing ever did. I keep telling him that but he does not believe me. He is obsessed with this man and every detail of our time together. My husband is demanding that I spend time with him, hold his hand, get physically intimate with him etc. and he has been pressuring me every chance he gets to come back to him mind, body, heart and soul, all on HIS timetable, not mine. But my mind, body, heart and soul are still with the other man. I am suffering terribly. I know most people will not sympathize with me because I was looking for attention outside of my marriage. But it happened. I was vulnerable because my marriage was not very good and there are many challenges we have faced. If I put aside the rights and the wrongs, I am left with being completely gutted. In the state I am in of being heart broken and destroyed, my husband is insisting I forget about this guy in a day. My husband insists that I love him again in a day. He is putting so much pressure on me every single moment to let this guy go out of my heart and be the woman he married. How can I do this? He will not let me grieve. Instead he is pressuring me. He is suffocating me with questions and accusations all the time. I don't think I can take anymore. He calls me all the time and asks what I am doing. He checks Dear Cupid everyday to see if I have posted. He is really obsessed and insecure. He will not take my word that nothing physical ever happened. He thinks we are calling each other and emailing each other behind his back but we aren't. We have stopped all contact.Believe me, I put this on myself. I just wonder if I should have told him anything at all. I thought that being honest was the right thing to do. But I did not realize that it would cause even more damage to our relationship. Because it has. It is so tough to deal with because my married friend provided an escape for me, an emotional comfort, all the things I was missing from my husband. Now that it's over, I am left with this horrible reality to deal with and an unbearable emptiness.I don't know how I can ever love my husband again after losing this man. I don't know if I ever loved my husband if I fell so hard for another person. I find I am distancing myself from my husband because he is a major source of my pain. I am going into self preservation mode. All I want is to be with another man and my husband is pushing me to be with him. My husband is not gentle with me and is not giving me time to grieve. He is forcing me to come back to him. I don't know what to do anymore. Every day is hell because we get into arguements about this other man. This seems to be the only topic of conversation. He is accusing me and rifling questions at me all the time like I am on trial. I know I was wrong but is this fair or kind to me at all? It is destroying the already fragile relationship that we have.I am getting more down about it each day. I don't know what to do. Please help!
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male
reader, C. Grant +, writes (9 October 2011):
 OP, I'm going to focus on your follow-up. That describes a situation that's abusive -- you say that he hit you for the first time, and that he's otherwise been emotionally abusive. The fact that you're in a very financially-challenged situation, you have a special-needs child -- it's understandable and sadly all too common for that to spill into stress on the marriage. The relevant question is where to go from here.
There are quite a few organizations in Canada who offer help and support to women in your situation:
http://www.shelternet.ca/en/
http://www.safe4all.org/resource-list/index?category=2
http://www.womensweb.ca/violence/resources.php
That is just a start from a google search. Depending upon your province, there are lots of super local organizations.
What you have described is not a healthy situation for you or your child (and probably not the best for your husband either). Reach out to women's organizations. Part of their philosophy is that women shouldn't feel trapped into staying in unhealthy circumstances for want of support.
Good luck.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 October 2011): Hi everyone. It's the OP.
I appreciate your taking the time to help. But I am wondering how many of you have ever been in my shoes. Could you truly understand the depth of the pain and despair I am feeling right now?
This is the very first time in my life that I have experienced heartbreak as I married my husband young and have never been with anyone else. If I could have foreseen that this would have happened, I would have stopped the mutual flirtation right from the start. Everybody seems to blame me in all of this but the other man is to blame and so is my husband. I am not the only one who messed up. The other man got involved with me fully knowing how vulnerable I was. I told him that I was not happy in my marriage and he knew about all my problems and he continued to be involved with me. He ran away only when it got too real for him and he realized that it might have gone too far. I, on the other hamd, had real and strong feelings for him. He wasn't a mistake or an error in judgement for me like I ended up being to him. I was prepared to leave my marriage but he wasn't. He led me on and then just disappeared like a coward. He did not have the decency to tell me the truth nor did he have the decency to back off when he knew full well what was happening between us.
My husband on the other hand, works long hours. He is never home. He is always criticizing me and talking down to me. He is always mad and stressed because he has three jobs. He is emotionally abusive and recently he hit me for the very first time. He is distant and jealous and possessive. He wants to control every aspect of my life. So, perhaps you can now see why I was seeking solace and an escape in another man who was showing me attention and seemed to be really attracted to me and interested in me as a person. The spark between us lit up the darkness in my life and it sustained it for the length of the affair. It was so hard to let that kind of magic go when all I felt everyday was despair and loneliness.
I was looking for an escape from my mundane life. I am a stay at home mom with a child who is mentally challenged. I am with him all day and do the majority of the care giving because my husband is never home. I love my child more than life but it is hard work and I feel like I have lost myself somewhere along the way. I feel alone and like nobody would ever understand the position I am in.
I cannot leave my husband because I am not working and cannot support myself and my child. My husband does not make enough money so that he could provide comfortably for us in child support payments. In fact, I have asked my husband to give me some space and he has no money to go to a hotel or family he can stay with. His family lives far away and he cannot travel a total of 6 hours both ways everyday for work. So, he refuses to leave. I do not want to leave my home. It is where our life is. I am having a hard time deciding what to do.
I know in my heart that I no longer love my husband. I feel that if I stay married to him, I will never be happy. The fact that the other man bailed on me does not change the reality that I am unhappy in my marriage. In fact, I think the affair helped me to realize how unhappy I was. Because before the married man came along, I lived in denial for a very long time and just pretended nothing was wrong. But every time my husband asked me for sex and I gave in against my will, I would cry and feel so horrible and used afterwards because my heart was just not there. He still begs for sex but I cannot give this to him, not under these circumstances. What kind of a marriage is this?
Love Girl, I appreciate your harshness and think that in your own way, you are trying to shock me into positive action. I understand. My therapist has been very direct with me as well. But despite all of this, I am a human being who is going through hell right now. I know that I will be judged for my actions and I am not proud of them. But I am having a very hard time coming out of this. I just cannot seem to let him go. And I am stuck in a corner not knowing how to get myself out. Now that he is gone, I am facing reality, a reality I wish I could bury, so desperately wishing he was in my life, wishing he could tell me he chose me.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 October 2011): Although my First response was blocked, I still feel strongly about your situation, so here goes...The Male Anon also picked up that no where in your post do u show any remorse. For me that is a big thing.Also u may Think that u understand what your hb is going through but it is somewhat clear that this is not the case:- u do not understand his pain, his anger, his humiliation and the betrayal he feels.- perhaps YOU need to show him compassion and let him have his dignity.- allow him his anger at your betrayal. U need to realise that u betrayed your marriage. U have told him u prefer the other married man. This basically unleashed the monster in him But can u blame him?- his sense of helplessness. Have u thought of this.- him wanting to know "everything" is a human flaw. Its expected. Its normal. Its human!Right now u just have tunnel vision. You think it is your right to mourn the MM at the expense of your hb. That is so wrong. Your hb mourns the loss of a faithful wife and u mourn the loss of a man who made the decision to prioritise his wife. Selfishness in your marriage: can u imagine if your hb did the same to u: told u he was in love with someone else. And the normal mess that goes with this declaration? I find that u have been incredibly selfish in your approach to your hb. U have basically told him that he is not the one. U have dehumanised him. U have stripped him of his "manhood" in a sense.The Other man: u may not want to know this but that man is actually admired. He made an honourable choice and that choice was his wife and kids. Wow! Imagine that? He even cut ties with u to remedy his marriage. This is awesome. It means that he honoured his wife and marriage and he loved her enough to remove himself from harms ways. U may not want to admit it but his actions were vital. These actions show that is was prepared to fight for his marriagem I think many people, even here on DC, can learn from him.Right now u have disinvested in your marriage and h!m right now bec u are wallowing in self pity u cannot see this. Right now u are choosing not to see the big real picture.U will agree that u need counselling. Your hb as well. He needs to learn to trust u again. This will take months or possibly years. It is not an overnight thing. NB: I am going through a very strict "programme", evaluating my life and putting measures in place to remedy the gaps. It means confronting the past, as well as the present. It means that I need to stop any denial issues and look realistically. This is a hard programme but it is so fulfilling. It makes me also look at my dysfunctional areas in my and my familys life . It has shaken my very foundation. But it is a necessary one, The reason I have mention the above evaluation process is to show u that u too can do something like that. Remove the emotions. Write down the goals. Seek answers. Listen to wise counsel. Cut out the noise. Seek strategic people to help u overcome your struggles. Stop the denials. Be kind. Compassionate. Strong. Take charge of your life! Be proactive!There is so much I'd like to share with u But a person can only understand if they remove the blinkers, stop the denial, remove their "victim" status and move in the right direction.OP u may have noticed that my responses are usually hard hitting, depicting a action has consequences stance. Sometimes the MODS choose to block them, perhaps its too hard /not tactful. I say it like it is, and sometimes it is something u may need to hear instead of wanting to hear.When I ready your story, to me the way forward was easy enough but the question is: will u actually appreciate the hard answer?If you want send an update. The Aunts have been very tactful and I am certain u learnt a lot from the responses. If u really want effective change, u need to become the change. It starts with you.LoveGirl
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (5 October 2011):
 I can understand that you are unhappy in your marriage and its very difficult for you to get over this other man. But the question is, do you even *want* to work on your marriage? Do you even realize what you're asking of your husband? You are asking for time to grieve to get over the loos of the other man in your life, and you actually expect your husband to understand that??!! Wow! How would you feel if the tables were turned, your husband had an emotional affair with someone and then asked you to give him some time to get over it?
Look, if you were/are so utterly unhappy in your marriage, have the courage to walk out rather than do what you're doing now. Not only have you subjected your husband to the utter horror or realizing that his wife was feelings for another man,but now you also want him to understand that, give you time to get over it and then maybe move on.
Your marriage might have been hell, agreed, but that did not give you any license to cheat on your husband. You CANNOT "put the rights and wrongs aside", you have to deal with everything. If you had a bad marriage, you should have learnt to focus on that. Isn't that was a marriage is all about? Instead, you looked for solace outside. No harm in that either, as long as you are not cheating on your husband...which you did. Now you're shattered because the other man has left and you are caught in a bad place. But you cant have everything according to your terms, you know. Try as you might, you cannot shrug off your mistakes.
You have 2 options now.
Either you try and work on your marriage, seek professional help, get counselling, do whatever it takes to get things back on track.
Or, you tell your husband its not working out, you will not be doing justice to your marriage and your relationship and you get out of it. Have the courage to call it quits rather than stay and crib.
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A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix  +, writes (5 October 2011):
Hi there. It's clear that you were looking for something in this other man, that appeared to be missing in your marriage - or so you thought.
Quite often when people look outside of their marriage for answers, they look in all the wrong places.
What I mean by this is, the feeling you were having about your marriage was probably nothing to do with your relationship at all, but more about something missing in your life generally.
You say you have young children - your children and this other man's children playing together - so in this situation, there are your children to consider as well. This changes things considerably.
You do realize that the romantic feelings you had before you married your husband and in the early years of your marriage (2-3 years in), don't stay that way forever. It's just not possible.
Once you are married, then the reality of life sets in - mortgage, bills, dirty washing, problems, occasional illness, getting out of the wrong side of the bed in the morning. The romance soon wears a bit thin over time. The sex drive might also diminish over the years and having children and how tired you feel looking after them. These things all take their toll, for sure.
The children alone, changes the previous priorities you had. They can often take the highest priority, even above the relationship with your husband.
So for things to go along smoothly, there needs to be something else to balance things out. What you found - perhaps by accident - was an emotional affair.
Certainly for you, it probably broke up the monotony of everyday life for you and added a bit of spark as well. Even though the physical side of things hadn't yet happened.
It is a really wise thing however, that this other man came to his senses and decided to call it quits before sex did come into it and things got out of control.
What could have so easily happened, would be that you were found out! His wife might have come home unexpectedly, and found you both in bed together. And then everyone would know - including your husband!
Could you imagine how that would have played out? That would have been much much worse than this.
He probably didn't tell his wife, so no damage was done to his marriage.
In hindsight now, it would have been better for you to NOT tell your husband. Especially, as it wasn't a full-blown affair (there was no sex), so really there was no harm done.
Emotional or physical affairs can be devastating for any marriage, however it doesn't always mean the end of the marriage. Especially, if the marriage was pretty stable and happy up until that point.
It can often cause two people to have a really good look at their marriage under a microscope. And it can also make the marriage - over time - better than ever. Believe me, it does happen. It's not so unusual as you might think.
What an affair often does - once it is known about - is it makes couples more aware of how they do things and NOT to take things and people for granted.
Once a marriage goes on for a few years, with time restrictions etc., it's often the case that people don't take the trouble to make themselves look their best and not always compliment the other person on their looks or their achievements or what they wear. It's almost like a forgotten art, sometimes.
And many times, what is missing from a relationship is FUN. Just taking life too seriously and not doing fun things together much - or at all!
One of the best ways to make life more fun and interesting is to start some hobbies and interests that engage you fully in the moment and that you look forward to doing on a regular basis.
Whether you choose something creative - making something with your hands. Something you can do at home, or that you have to leave home to do once a week. Like taking classes in learning something new.
Perhaps you could take up some interests like bushwalking, golf, tennis. With sports activities like this, not only will you build some fitness, you will have more energy and it raises your spirits so you feel happier generally.
Perhaps you could become interested in gardening. There's nothing quite like being out in the open air and with mother nature, the birds. It's also great exercise.
How about having dance lessons? There are heaps of dance styles to do - what about salsa? Which is kind of Latin American. It might be fun!
So what I am really saying here, is the more you do with your spare time, the more interested you become and the more interesting as well. It will make a HUGE difference to your life, I promise you.
It really sounds like you feel bored with your life. Bored people will often look in all sorts of places for fun. Affairs is often one of the easier ones to quick fix a relationship. Although it doesn't "fix" anything at all really. It only seems that way.
The crucial factor here is, it feels like fun - because it's something new in your life.
So FUN being the operative word.
There are much better ways to have fun, which will never hurt anyone at all. Ways that will instead make you feel fulfilled and at peace with the world.
And peace, is really what you want.
Because if you think about it, you must have been feeling some level of guilt about sneaking around behind your husband's back seeing this other man. Even if you don't think that you did, you probably did at least a little bit sometimes.
And if you had've continued seeing that other man, and began having sex, well then you would have almost certainly started feeling guilt at times.
Although you are feeling a bit down about the ending of the other liaison, in time it will pass as you decide to make more effort in your own marriage. It will eventually fade into oblivion, as if it never happened at all.
You need to sit down with your husband and talk about it in detail. Otherwise, he is never going to know the truth, is he?
And your husband can't make an effort, if he doesn't first know and understand why you felt driven to have he emotional affair in the first place. Once he does understand this, then he has a direction to begin with.
And only then, can you both put in more effort towards making your marriage the best it's ever been. Even better than when you were just dating. And yes, it is entirely possible.
Remember the man you first met and married, is still the same person he was back then. And so are you the same person. It's just that over the years, life has got in the way and with the children, your primary relationship with each other, has taken a back seat.
However, all is not lost.
Each of you needs some "me time". It's a case of having a sense of balance every single day.
You could both have some hobbies and interests, have your own friends you can see and go out with occasionally. Say once a week at the most.
When you see your friends, he could mind the kids. And vice versa.
We must all give some time to ourselves. Our needs must always come into the equation of everyday life.
You can give to everyone - your husband, your children - however, if you do not give time to yourself, eventually your well runs dry. Then you have nothing left to give.
Don't let your spirit die. You are important too.
Don't put anyone else's needs above your own. We are all equal.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 October 2011): think how you would feel if roles would have changed...as far as your husband- if you don't love him put him out of his misery and leave him so he can meet someone who will love him and you can find love agin for that matter too.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 October 2011): I can understand that you find yourself in a very difficult position and I don't envy you. I am going to struggle to be sympathetic however.You say in your post that that can understand your husband's feelings, but that he is making life hell for you. I wonder if you really do understand what you have done to your husband. He has had to come to terms with finding out that his wife has been having an affair for a year. That she has lied to him, destroyed his trust in her. Turned to someone else when she felt down or needed emotional support. I'm afraid if you want to save your marriage, it really is down to you to try to rebuild your husband's trust. It isn't going to be easy, you may even find it isn't possible. You may both need to speak to a professional to try to help you through this. You need to be patient and understanding with your husband. I may not be giving you the credit that you deserve, but your post doesn't seem to show any remorse for your actions. You seem more upset that your affair has ended, rather than what you have potentially done to your marriage.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 October 2011): PLease Read...http://www.amazon.com/After-Affair-Healing-Rebuilding-Unfaithful/dp/0060928174http://www.amazon.com/Not-Just-Friends-Rebuilding-Recovering/dp/0743225503http://www.amazon.com/Getting-Past-Affair-Program-Together/dp/157230801XAll of them are good.Reading all of them will be even better.Remember you husband is human. First rule of affairs, even emotional ones.Lie.Second rule...Deny.Third rule...Withhold.Fourth rule...Control.So, he is dealing with your lying, your denying, your withholding information, and your controlling information.All of which you have done, clearly, because of what you write."But my mind, body, heart and soul are still with the other man."You are not over the affair, you are desperately in need of counseling, couples counseling, or you are headed to a divorce.
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