A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Ok so this is quite a graphic question as i feel I have to go into detail to explain. I was with my boyfriend at the weekend and Sunday morning I got a little upset. To explain- I was with someone for 16 yrs and married for 4 yrs before I met my LD bf. I have to admit I was never really into sex. Was not interested at all really, however I now know that it was my realtionship that was wrong not me as I now a healthy drive. Consequently I am very under confident in the bedroom. My bf however is quite confident.So Sat night we had sex and all was good. Ended in intercourse and him orgasming. I however did not ( not that its an issue my favourtie bit is all of it so I dont care)So next morning its going well and hotting up again. We have before left it for a bit had breakfast and gone back to bed. I kept telling him he was teasing me, he made me orgasm and we had a little play. I then asked "well what are we going to do with that? Use it now or save it till later" he said both. But really he didnt know what I was talking about. I then went and made breakfast, when I called him to eat I found he was all dressed and ready to go out. I got all upset as i thought we were going back to bed and have the intercourse that followed the pre breakfast foreplay. I mean for some reason I got really upset. I thought why did he get so excited and not want anything further. Whats wrong with me?? Should of been more assertive and when on top just taken it in? Its like he says he think I like bj's more than he likes to receive them but I just keep going till he tells me to stop. How do I know what is assertive and what is taking and not giving? So confused??
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix  +, writes (10 October 2011):
Hi. It sounds like you now have more courage to move forward to a better place.There is nothing to fear, but fear itself.You have the right attitude, and it's a great start.Just remember, to always keep the lines of communication open - no exceptions here.Communication is really important. Communication about everything in the bedroom, and outside of it. All facets of your relationship.I wish you well.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 October 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks guys- you make so much sense and give the best advice. I spoke to him about it.
I am so niave. I thought it was frowned upon for the girl to initiate so I was waiting for him.
He thought I just wanted to play and not have sex. I was on top but still with my knickers on. I was waiting for him to go fot it. And he just thought I was playing around.
He told me that if I wanted it. I should of just took it. There is the assertive thing that was missing and my fear of being rejected. There was me thinking why hasnt he made a move and there was him thinking I didnt want it cause I hadnt made the move.
I cant wait to see him again. I have this new found confidence to say what I want and what I like that I was always scared to do before.
I hope that my first bash at it shows him how much I want to be with him and make this work between us. I just wish he was closer.
I have to wait another 3 weeks arrgghhhh
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A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix +, writes (6 October 2011):
Hi. You do need to be more assertive, that's for sure.
Because if you don't, you will be left unsatisfied and feeling as if something is missing.
And it's clear that you already do feel this way.
His reasoning for this could be that he thinks it might make sex more interesting for him, if it's done in stages.
That's not to say that he's bored with you. This is about him.
However, as you don't really like it done this way, you need to do whatever it takes so that you enjoy it to the fullest yourself. Two people ought to be happy - not just one.
As you said, when you have had some foreplay and maybe he's given you an orgasm and then you feel like sex, perhaps you could just jump on top if you want to. At least you actually get to have the sex then. Instead of having to wait till after breakfast.
Perhaps he was hoping you would do that, and you were assuming he'd do something. So while you were both lying there thinking about what's going to happen next, all that was happening is a whole bunch of assumptions - by both you and him.
Assumptions aren't very useful. Because most people get it wrong as you usually can't read another person's mind, so it's a waste of time.
Action is what is needed. Forget about assumptions.
There really is a lot of miscommunication between couples these days. People say something and leave something out, for fear of being judged or that it might be taken the wrong way. All this does is cause problems and misunderstandings. And then of course - arguments!
It's not at all surprising.
It's the things that ARE NOT said, that cause most of the problems.
My advice is to do whatever it takes, to make your love life what you'd like it to be.
Don't worry about what he might think of you for asking a question, and being judged. We all have to learn, so don't let that hold you back from being happy and content in this relationship.
If you don't do whatever you want to do, well then you might as well walk out on him, because you won't find true happiness, unless you are more assertive.
And assertiveness does not mean aggressiveness. Not at all.
Assertivenss is knowing what you want, what you like and don't like and not being afraid to seek it out, in whatever way possible to make it so.
If you know what you want - and I believe you do - you will find a way to make it happen. And I believe you will do whatever it takes.
The main thing is - to just DO it.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 October 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI do try to communicate but I have never really felt anything like this before and I suppose I dont really know what Im doing. I never cared about sex until now. Is it normal for a guy to get excited in bed with someone and not actually have intercourse then? I have never known this with my ex husband. Well I had never known foreplay either.I thought that he must not want me. But why get so excited and give me an orgasm and not want to finish with an intercourse orgasm. Surley it leaves it unfinished without that. Isnt that why they call it foreplay becuase it comes before the sex. I really dont get why he would leave it unfinished. Or am i wrong. Is it not the finishing point to all men? I really dont know. But I dont want to talk to him about it because I look stupid that im 31 and dont know what to do and how to handle things. Or that it looks like all I want him for is sex because its not.I always have the most negative attitudes to any sticky moment he tells me this all the time. So by talking about it am I just going on? I just feel that he didnt want to have intercourse with me after, why not? what did I do? Was I boring or not do something right? Do I just need to put it down to experience and leave it now? Need advice on being pro active. I know I am in secure and I am trying my best but its so hard
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A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix +, writes (4 October 2011):
Hi there. It's probably not so much about assertiveness or too much taking and not enough giving.
What it's more likely to be, is a case of a lack of communication and instead, assumptions being made.
By this I mean, before you both had breakfast, you assumed that the sex would automatically continue after breakfast had finished. However, this was not the case so you were a little disappointed.
So there was a slight lack of communication there.
That would have been a chance for you to mention it and say something.
In future though, what you need to do is to know what you would like out of each encounter. If you feel in the mood for sex, then just do it! You both need to feel happy about it - not just him. And not just you, either.
It's a two way thing.
So you do need to be more assertive in your attitude towards sex with your boyfriend, from now on. Tell him what you want, don't expect him to just know.
By telling him, then you can both have a more enjoyable sex life in future.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 October 2011): Simple, probably didn't know that you were still interested.
Keep talking, understand it isn't that you are not attractive, he just didn't know that you wanted more.
More likely than not...I must add.
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