A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Hi. I am married 13 years. I married my high school sweetheart. we have been together for 25 years. We have only had sex with each other. My husband recently turned 40 and feels he has missed out on something, specifically sex with other women. Three months ago I innocently came across an email conversation he was having with a hooker from a craigslist type website. I confronted him and he opened up to me quite honestly about all of this. He professed his love for me and explained his relief at my knowing and willing to work things out with him and his feelings. I tried to spice things up at home and things returned to normal. (I should note we have a great sex life- we both still find each other attractive and sexy - of this I am certain.) However, the mistrust was there and I began to read his emails and log on to his mobile acct to track his text msgs-of this I am ashamed. This last few weeks have been hard- we each suffered from the flu and we also work together and it has been a difficult couple of wks workwise and our relationship fell stagnant. He needed to travel for work for a couple of days and that is when I saw that he had texted this hooker. I am so hurt because three months ago he promised my broken heart that he would communicate with me if this feeling would return. This is what hurts me the most. I am sure he did meet up with the hooker because I confronted him once again and he returned home that evening. He also told me she did not respond and his text MSG confirm that. I know he believes he loves me- if he even knows what that is. I only know this life I have with him as we have been together since I was 14. We have the same friends. We have the same job. And we have two beautiful and happy children. What do I do? Pls help me make the right decision. And thank you for reading this
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 May 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionNow that you've pointed it out I can see that something like that would not work out and only fan the flame. But I should point out that it was not a foursome nor even sex but two couples in a dark sauna each having fun ( seperately - no sharing) We are making progress. I will keep an open mind and take it a week at a time. Thx again
A
female
reader, bitterblue  +, writes (16 May 2010):
 So you were one of two couples having sex in the same room. If I understand well. Oh well, there is a number of ways to spice up a monotonous sex life, and truth be told, I have the feeling yours wasn't that lacking in variety, after all. But who knows, maybe that experience only wheted his appetite for something more... adventurous or diverse. Now, what you think of doing won't suffice but probably will only pour more oil on the flame. You want to get him very close to sex with another woman but not allow it in the end. It's ridiculous and not what you desire or what would make you happy. If that would excite you I would have nothing to say, but where do you stand in all this? Think about it.You should either focus on your marriage and improving your marriage, working on being sincere and open with each other, building on friendship and romance, or having a break with the risk of either one of you or both finding someone else in the meanwhile. Because you should both be looking (set that clear) if you should decide to have a break from each other.
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reader, riv  +, writes (16 May 2010):
I think it's really interesting that - after a few postings and relaxing into this conversation - you have come out with a revelation about a previous sexual experience - a 4 some - which you enjoyed and which no one who read your posts up to that one would have imagined you getting up to. So the objective fact is that you do appreciate that there can be sex beyond the one-on-one of a married relationship and that it does not have to necessarily wreak damage to the marriage. That is basically all I am saying. If he had these experiences with other women without you knowing and then you found out about it it could be devastating. But if it's done with your agreement and within certain boundaries ( time / space / condoms / std testing / the encounters are not emotional but sexual on an NSA basis ) I don't at all see that it has to have negative consequences. I think it could even strengthen the marriage. And you still have plenty of years of happy marriage ahead. AuntyEm's views are very much from a female perspective. Mine very much from the male. I could maybe see the sense in AuntyEm's views if your husband had played the field when he was in his teens and early 20s before marrying you. But v. unfortunately he has never had those experiences and now he needs to have them ( or something resembling them ) before he gets too old to be still attractive to other women. I totally get that. ( While I can understand that a woman would have difficulty with it.)You - in my view - can't talk or threaten him out of having these desires / sexual needs. You can maybe talk him out of acting on them for a while but sooner rather than later he is definitely going to get his trousers off with other women, believe me. But if it's just sex and for a limited period why not accept it and for that matter - if you fancy it - try out another male ? Maybe a Benjamin from 'The Graduate' type ? Could be fun. Even if you are not aching for sex of the Cougar or other variety, just letting him know that sauce for the gander is sauce for the goose could be salutary. Since you mention 4 somes: my first experience of that was very erotic and a massive revelation. Viz, I got really turned on by seeing my male friend's slim butt grinding up and down between my own girlfriend's thighs ( while I was doing the same to his gf ). I hadn't really realized before then that I was, up to a limited point mind you, bi : and the revelation has opened up other opportunities for occasional pants -off activities with other men. In fact,( and I think this illustrates my point that sex outside the marriage can benefit the marriage ) one man who I met thru an internet site is in a v. long relationship ( unmarried but as good as ) with his gf. He is, like me, basically straight but wanted an experience with another male, largely out of curiosity. So he came round to my place ( a different city from where he lives ) and we had a good NSA time for an hour or two before he went off to his apartment.He later emailed me to say that his time with me was the most erotic experience he had ever had; but not only that, when he got back home he had a strong erection and couldn't wait to give his gf a good seeing to - it has spiced up his home sex life. They had been trying to get pregnant for about a year and she now is and he doesn't think it is a coincidence. His once a month meets with me are totally on a NSA basis and totally safe sex. We both know it is not going to get to an emotional level. It's sex ! Far from being a threat to his 'marriage' the meets strengthen it.To answer your specific question about reviving the 4 some experience : I don't really think this would do the trick now for your husband. The point is he is aching to have sex specifically with other women beyond the marriage : so having sex in a 4 some which included you would just complicate and put off the 'evil day' when basically he is going to have sex with others. But the fact that you are open ( sort of ) to that shows that you are not as conventionally minded as all that and in my view with a bit more reflexion will probably start seeing the sense ( as I see it ) in my, rather than AuntyEm's dire warnings about the earth caving - in approach. But it's just my - a male's - view. But then you are married to a male ! But maybe it could be time to print out all these answers for your husband to read and then have a good discussion ?
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 May 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAuntyEm and Riv. Thanku for ur points of view. The differences in ur answers really illustrate my dilemma because I feel u r both right. I really don't think I could handle my husband having sex with another woman, maybe even worse so encouraging it. However I do feel that his urge will not just disappear and I do love him and want him to live a happy and fulfilled life. The last few days for us have been very hard. I did take a strong hand and my husband got the scare of his life. I have never seen him so dependant or vulnerable in my life. We had a very long talk last night. There were no tears, just honesty and realism. I explained to him that I completely understand his urge and that he should not feel guilty for having this desire while being in love with me ( this seems to be a bigger problem for him than me) but that I am terribly hurt that after agreeing to work this out he continued to sneak about. I told him that if he screws up on this again, he will lose me. We have agreed to take the evening walks together that we haver never made the time to before, we are going to take up golf together and we are going to marriage counseling. Riv, I did not speak of the open marriage scenario. I have kept that one to myself for the moment, anyway. I have a question for you. Twice in our lifetime we have had sexual encounters *alongside* another couple - we both found it very exciting. Do you think if that opportunity presented itself again and I allowed some interaction ( not sure here what- but not penetration) that it might suffice? I really have no desire to experience another man inside me but would be comfortable allowing myself and my husband to *play* a little bit with distinct boundaries. Again thankyou both- u have no idea how much u have helped me, J
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reader, AuntyEm  +, writes (16 May 2010):
 From a womans point of view. Women are much more emotionally affected by sex. Allowing your husband to have sex with other women will be a disaster.
If you choose this path, you may regret it and there are no guarantees that this will cure your husbands straying. He is most likely to continue and know he does it with your 'consent', also this transfers his guilt about sleeping around firmly onto you.
We all know how some men will not accept responsibility for their actions. To simply call it an 'urge' or 'need' is no excuse for it to happen. Everybody has urges and needs in their life but that does not mean that they have to act on them. The marriage is much more important than any 'urge', there are also children to consider.
Fair enough if he tells you the marriage is over, divorces you and then finds someone new...but to expect you to stand back and know he sleeps around, is mental cruelty, devalues you as a person and disrespects you to the highest degree.
Allowing him to sleep around will make your live a misery.
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male
reader, riv +, writes (15 May 2010):
Thanks for your feedback. Just my two cents - hope it is useful food for thought if nothing else:
The point is : as I see it there is zero doubt but that he will be having sexual experiences with other women soon, if he has not already started. From the male point of view he really NEEDS these experiences. And they don't have to be emotional ones; they might just be functional sexual encounters.
There are two ways you can deal with this: Option One is to insist they cannot happen from within the marriage therefore his penis inside another vagina equals end of marriage;
the other would be to agree an accommodation ( perhaps limited in time in the first instance and with other strict conditions such as condom usage and STD testing ) so that he can have these experiences from within the marriage - but not for example in the marital home - he has to meet up with the other ladies in hotels or at theirs or whatever.
I honestly think that from what you say about all the good things in your marriage you would be unwise to choose option 1.
These experiences are something he missed out on when younger. If he gets them under his belt , so to speak, over the next year or two it is perfectly possible he won't need them any more. He may love you even more ( if that is possible ) for being more understanding than many women would be about his biological necessities and for allowing him to keep his great marriage and kids. ( And you are understanding otherwise you would already by issuing divorce papers rather than enquiring on this site. You sound like a great wife by the way.... )
And of course the deal is you are equally free to enjoy other men if you feel like it and can meet some online or wherever.
AFTER a year or two you can both re-evaluate where you are and how you wish to proceed.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 May 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAgain thank u all for your advice. I have finally got out of bed, just getting it off my chest and reading ur input
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female
reader, bitterblue +, writes (15 May 2010):
I see you have tried the softy approach, dear, the reviving of romance, the understanding. AuntyEm is spot on. Hubby needs to realise the seriousness of his actions. His feelings of missing out, yes, can occur sometimes when the couple has been together since teenagehood, and they have a limited/zero relationship experience otherwise. But, please, are these feelings real, rational, accurate, can he not work through them? He is an adult now, after all. So tell him he will be treated as such and be held accountable for his choices. Show more firmness and independence, and tell him what you think. Also, he is free to make a firm conscious decision to act towards his best interests now and in the long run. To give up this marriage would not be very rational if he has no valid complaint with it. All relationships grow old, is that the problem? This is a case where he should balance his options well and use his common sense. If he is being honest and not looking for an excuse (to cheat), perhaps he should seek help to deal with the way he thinks and what is really going on. Best of luck.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 May 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionRiv- thank you for that response. That is a scary step to take but I will ponder it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 May 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your quick response and for not judging me or him. Your reply was wise and what I know but needed to hear. He has not been with the hooker yet ( typo in original post) but I am so hurt that he was trying to contact her again after promising me that he would talk to me first if the feeling came back. I know in my heart he loves me but how do we go on?him with this desire and me with this worry? Thank you again dear. The Internet is full of nasty but it's also good for some things ?
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A
male
reader, riv +, writes (15 May 2010):
You need to hold on to the good things you have in this marriage - and you describe a few of them.
If this is your only problem in the marriage I reckon it is a small one which can and should be overcome.
You both need to lose the guilt and accept that it is totally normal for a man to want sexual experiences with more than one woman in a lifetime.
For a man sex can be just that - a physical sexual sensation and release - lasting as long as it lasts - without any emotional involvement. It's just a biological imperative.
If that is all he needs to do with another woman or women why not let him try it out - albeit insist absolutely he uses strong condoms. And has STD checks after the agreed period.
In the first instance I would suggest putting a time limit of 6 months to 1 year on a period during which you allow him to have these experiences with other women ( I would suggest preferably other swingers rather than prostitutes ) .
Of course he has to agree to you doing the same and maybe a new experience would not be a bad thing for you also.
If he can't accept the idea of another man's penis enjoying your vagina then he has no right to put his inside other women's .
If he's ok with it then have a year of careful outside the relationship sex and then see how you both feel. My guess is he will appreciate the marriage more and love you even more for allowing him the 'time out' so to speak.
The kids shouldn't know though so you need to have these discussions / make these arrangements when they are not around.
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male
reader, bharat mehta  +, writes (15 May 2010):
 What you [as a couple], really need is romantic life with all colors, musics, poetry, dialog...etc, which once you may have possessed. Develop some common hobby like music painting etc that will provide you new and fresh context for freshness. Most important is open and honest discussion. Just, trust the power of sex, which is the power of reason, vision and also power of relation.
Valued your relation as basic one, and work to preserve it.
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female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (15 May 2010):
Im not sure what decision you need help with...Whether to stay or go? whether to put up with his selfish behaviour? whether to confront him and let him know how much pain your having over this?
A man (or woman for that matter) does not have the god given right to cheat!!! It's not a requirement, it's a choice...and a choice he is making against the strength of your marriage. e knows he can cheat because you 'love' him so much you will forgive him. Your condoning what he does because you aren't yelling and screaming in his face or saying you want a divorce. He isn't under any threat so he can continue to cheat.
Get serious!!! this is your marriage, he is your partner and father to your kids. By saying he loves you and then making plans to cheat...he is totally disrespecting you and your children. He has to realise the seriousness of what he is contemplating, he needs to realise that he faces losing you, his home, his kids...the whole lot...there are consequences and believe me the court and the law are all on your side if you prove infidelity.
The internet tempts people into illicit affairs all the time. There are actually legitimate sites specifically for people to have extra marital affairs!!!It's covert and secretive, it offers a staggering array of men and women just begging for sex...and anyone who is teetering on the edge soon drops into the trap. These kinds of liason, whilst offering temporary excitement, can also be devestating and destructive to families and established relationships.
You need to let your man know in no uncertain terms what lies ahead for him if he continues on this path. He could lose everything so it's time for him to wake up and smell the coffee.
Spell it out for him...'IF YOU CHEAT ON ME I AM GOING TO DIVORCE YOU, TAKE YOUR KIDS AND YOUR HOME'
It's wake up time!!!
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 May 2010): Text messages can be delete.. why would a hooker not respond to his messages? She's in it for the money and certainly does not care about you or your feelings. Me thinks you're being lied to..
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female
reader, concerned2009 +, writes (15 May 2010):
 I would suggest seeking the advice of a minister or marriage counselor. It sounds like he is going through a mid life crisis.
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male
reader, The Great Mark Says +, writes (15 May 2010):
 hey there, im sorry to hear about your troubles. but what it sounds like is your husband might be having a mid-life crisis. which is very common and happens to tons of people. just a little spark of change can help a lot. my dad went through a bad one, but he found running. running kept him in shape and made him feel younger. and so thats taking a bad issue and making it healthy.
so try to find something new, exciting and that he loves. crazy as it sounds maybe he just needs that sexy sports car that he has dreamed about as a kid. or maybe he wants to sit up on the Green Monsta at a Red Sox game. or maybe join a golf club or something. i hope this helps
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