A
female
age
,
*tthebrink
writes:So here's my problem in a nutshellI believe my husband is having a midlife crisis and I don't see a way back from this - so any advice will be appreciated.We are both in our forties and some months ago he started going out with his friends on a Friday night - evry Friday. He said it was the boys night out. Then one night he told me that he would have to start dressing nicer to go to the bar because the dress code was different - no sneakers etc., Turns out he has been cubbing till 3 a.m. oe thereabouts evry Friday. Even worse the club he goes to has a lot of lewd dancing and loose women - it is basically a singles joint.We are building our house and it is almost complete so we should move back soon - in the meantime we are in a rental property - recently I overheard him discussing the possibility that he would keep the property or rent elsewhere so that he would have somewhre to come to after the boys night out.I have had numerous problems with him in the past whenever he drinks - he gets randy and does something that usually ends up in an argument. That said I stopped going out in his company to anywhere that he could drink and behave like that. So basically I don't go anywhereHe also finds it inappropriate for me to go out with any body else but him - so I don't have any friends just work colleagues who are younger than me anyhow. A couple of times I tried to go out and it caused a big argument and he ended up breaking stuff in the house.I feel that I have come to the end of this relationship - he lies and I have a gut feeling that id he hasn't already that he is looking to sow his wild oats. I have prayed about htis, cried about it and I believe I have to make critical choices here wih regard to my life.
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (20 July 2012):
 The gym and the counselor is good. Still go get a lawyer and get a game plan. Have plan B ready. Birdynumnums gave you excellent advice.
Going out with your girlfriends is a nice idea but does not alter the fact that you need to continue to plan for the worst.
What to wear is easy, black and some killer heels and you'll be fine. Again, the least of your concerns is what you are wearing and how you are looking.
Get set for a split, even if it doesn't happen, you will still have complete control over your finances and your future.
Get really really practical, okay? Good luck.
A
female
reader, atthebrink +, writes (20 July 2012):
atthebrink is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell I got a counsellor to talok to about th situationa nd basically her advice was that I should work on me - make myself happy and try to get my self confidence bac.
I'm going out with some girlfriends for my birthday to a restaurant that has live entrtainment (haven't done that in 19 years)It so funny that I am so apprehensive about going not becaue Of him but I haven't socialized in so long I feel completely out of my league. I don't know what to wear, what's in style or what to expect. I keep thinking that I'll look like a fool and people will stare and laugh. I know that's ridiculous but that's how I feel.
I spoke with him this morning from (not argue, spoke). The counsellor says when I speak do not speak from a position of anger. He started off by saying that I was talking crap. But I practiced what the counsellor said I told him I am not arguing I apologize if it sounds that way but I am working on being able to speak about this without getting angry. He was shocked and kept very quiet.
Birdynumnums I have started to put my affairs in order - I asked him to contribute to the rent since he is willing to pay for a bachelor pad - he could at least help with the rent for where he is living. That should free up some finances for me. Also I located a gym not to far from home and I am planning to start next week.
The hurt and pain are still there but I am taking it one day at a time. The funny thing is he still does not have a clue what he is doing wrong. My counsellor says that is a classic narcissistic personality and he needs to work with someone to come to terms with his behaviour patterns. But this has to be his decision I can't tell him that.
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (17 July 2012):
 Yep. end of the road is here.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 July 2012): He sounds like a very controlling person. I had a relationship where I wasn't allowed to go out without him, but he could do whatever he wanted and when I stood up to him and called him out on his bull, he changed because he didn't want to lose me.
You sound like you are just done. So when you break it off with him I would have someone present, a friend or a member of your family especially since he breaks things when you try to confront him with problems he doesn't want to deal with.
Move on and find a real man who won't be behaving like a sixteen year old boy and who will appreciate you and love you like you deserve.
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A
female
reader, birdynumnums  +, writes (17 July 2012):
 What Every Other Aunt said is right, he is either cheating on you or planning to cheat.
You already knew this, or you wouldn't be here writing about it. You knew it, you know it, your HUSBAND is acting out and you are in denial. Accept that he is being dishonest and START to act yourself.
It's upsetting but you are in a position of strength here.
1) You are married and living in the U.S..
2) Do not pick fights with your husband right now; go ahead and act like nothing is bothering you and that everything he does is fine.
3) IN THE MEANWHILE: Find all your financial documents, bank accounts and make lists of your assets. Copy everything. If you can, set money aside, just in case he clears out the bank accounts when he realizes you mean to divorce him. Document the amount of money he spends on his outings. Be aware of what amount of money goes where and why in your household budgets as well. If he has a mistress already - you will see it in the spending and credit card purchases.
4) Find a GREAT lawyer with a good record for representing women. Find out what you can sue for in a divorce situation in which he has cheated on you. Can you get alimony. You MAY have to be living in the house you are building to claim it as the matrimonial home - SO GET ADVICE - and move in there if you need to claim it and make any excuse or fight to accomplish that goal. You're a woman, you ARE smart - figure one out!
5) Keep records of his comings and goings in a log book. When he goes out and how long he stays out.
6) If you have the means to - hire a private detective to photograph his betrayal - this may seem punitive but you need proof that YOU are the injured party and you need to prove he is at fault for the divorce in order to get as much as you deserve in the divorce settlement.
Get all of these things in order FIRST before you confront him again and present him with the cold, hard facts.
Then you will be dealing from a position of strength and YOU can decide if you want to keep the louse if he begs you not to divorce him. Just do all the other things first.........
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A
female
reader, atthebrink +, writes (17 July 2012):
atthebrink is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for the help. He keeps telling me that this is normal and that all the men do it and he has been missing out.
I told him that I am uncomfortable with this and he says he isn't doing anything wrong and he is not going to stop.
So doubting myself I thought I would get some other opnions to see if I was crazy - I feel lonely, neglected and I am beginning to absolutely hate this man who rewards me for 20 years of marriage with this.
But as you said I have to start making a way out. I basically put my life on hold to make sure that the kids were grown and I htink I need to revisit that - the thing is the more I looka t it the more I see that we no longer have anything in common.
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm  +, writes (17 July 2012):
 I agree with the other aunts, He is lining up to cheat and blaming it on a mid life crisis...
Way over the line in my opinion...time to make your own plans to escape... it's not worth saving.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (17 July 2012):
 Oh yeah he's up to no good. Tell him to knock this nonsense off, and if he doesn't, then give him his walking papers. Mid-life crisis my big butt. YOU give him a real mid-life crisis. Best of luck girlfriend.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (17 July 2012):
 SVC: That's the advice that this OP needs....
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (17 July 2012):
 He goes out Friday nights without you,
he wants to keep a “bachelor pad” after you move….
You are not allowed to go out without him but he can go without you
When you assert yourself he breaks things (and probably scares you)
Clearly there is a double standard here. I would not find it acceptable.
Are you willing to end this relationship? What advice do you want us to tell you?
If it was me, and I was not permitted to go out without my partner but he could not only go out every week without me but was talking about keeping a bachelor pad for crashing (and clearly not alone)… I’d be telling him to consider that his only address and make it permanent.
If you are brave enough and strong enough, I’d end this one sided abusive relationship.
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