A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:My husband and I have been married for 25 years and we have 3 great college-age children. We have a great relationship and a good marriage. Recently he has started having sex with older men. He says its just "sex" and he is not gay. He wants me to know this because he doesn't want us to have secrets. It only happens like once a month and he always tells me everything. Am I crazy??? I love my husband and we have a wonderful family life and we are really best friends. He just started having his little meetings a couple of months ago but I always knew he was interested in older men. I'm glad we are open with each other but I also feel very hurt and I don't know if he is really considering my feelings. I'm really interested on others thoughts on this matter. Thank You
View related questions:
best friend, older men Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, ImGaySpankMeBare +, writes (26 January 2009):
Some of us men like me :) Like sex with other men, Men know how to please another man. I LOVE being with men myself because they have a pretty good size hand and pulling down panties/underwear and spanks my bare azz and i LOVE them for doing it to me.....If your husband is on the Internet can he maybe email me here at [email address blocked] I am in west monroe louisiana and maybe me and him could meet some day and have great gay sex......................I am 45 years old but when i am with a gay man i like playing as if i am a 18 year old boy :) Me and your husband can really have a awesome in bed with each other naked :)
A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 December 2008): My husband and I have been married 17 years.. We have 1 child together who is 11.. We have always been kinky in the bedroom. But now my husband wants 2 bring another man into our bedroom for him 2 have sex with and me watch.. It was all good playing and letting him talk about other men doing him all these years until now.. He actually wants 2 do this.. I've always questioned the fact that he may be gay but he loves me just like your husband loves you.. Did your husband ever talk about other men while you were having sex or dress up in women's clothes? We got married very young. I am 36 now and don't want to be left in a couple years for a man. I'm right there with you. I wish there was a book that said ok if your husband does this "Yes, he's gay"
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 November 2008): I work in a hair salon, and one of my coworkers clients is gay and he and his lover come in the salon and are very open about their relationship. One day he got very explicit about how much he cheats on his lover, and he said he has more married men show up at his house looking for sex at all hours of the morning. MORE MARRIED MEN THAN GAYS! And then they are going back to their wife and lying about it and giving them who knows what! I think that is worse then a married man having a girlfriend because gay men tend to be extremely promiscuous with lots of different partners. I'd kill my husband! I do have curiousity about how do they know whos the pitcher and whos the catcher????????
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 October 2008): i think it maybe time that you consider thinking about your self, an stop being there for him as your the one who's missing out on a love life,you sound like you giving your family the best, an yeh you love your husband ,as he is your best friend but lets face it how long are you going to deprive your self.i say get out there an be you now,you need to do it for you self, i would
...............................
A
male
reader, Crowson_punk  +, writes (26 October 2008):
Thanks for the extra info, it does give us a lot more to go on!!
So have you asked him how he would feel if you bought a strap on????????
Ok so you aren't older and hairy (or uncut,) but if he does say he would stop, perhaps that would allow you to "be the man" with a bit of role play?
try it is all i can advise, because at the end of the day it seems to me like you do both need some relationship councelling from a professional who probably has much better ideas than we do!
Jon.
...............................
A
male
reader, oldfool  +, writes (25 October 2008):
 Thanks for that extra detail. It's clear that this thing is causing you considerable distress. The knotted stomach is a pretty sure sign of great emotional tension. Have you told him how you feel?
I've been in a somewhat similar situation to your husband. When I was younger I considered myself "bisexual". It was much later that I realised that emotionally I was basically straight, with an interest in the male anatomy (but not in love with men). What's more, I would have preferred women!
At any rate, I was very honest with my girlfriend of the time. That was because I felt that honesty was important. Looking back and thinking of her reaction, I can see it caused her distress, perhaps a lot more distress than I realised, but she put up with it. The thing is, sometimes there is a difference between "caring honesty" and "brutal honesty". In telling her I was certainly honest to myself, but I can't say I was terribly caring about her feelings.
I later had other girlfriends, and I told some of them. I feel you can divide girls into those accepting of "kinky" sex, and those who may love sex and are willing to try anything, but are strictly heterosexual.
The first girl I told was not only accepting, she was rather turned on. She was one of those accepting of kinky sex. She was young and interested in sex, and I suspect she regarded it as a plus.
The next girl I told was sexually quite open, but only towards heterosexual sex. She enjoyed sex very much and willing to try all kinds of things, but the thought of relations with men repelled her. It was one of the reasons we broke up (long and complicated story).
Much later, when I was not actually into the homosexual side of things any more, I told another girlfriend. She also found it a turn-on and was quite accepting of it.
I must say I'm very impressed at your level of love and openness with your husband. It sounds like you belong to the "non-kinky woman" group :), but your deep love and relationship with your husband allows you to accept what he wants, even if it's not totally what you yourself are comfortable with. I'm pretty sure that it's only your complete confidence and trust in each other that could make this possible. Without that level of trust, your relationship would have ended by this.
I really don't know what to suggest, but communication and trust is still of the essence. He's told you what he's doing because he wants to be honest. To be equally honest, you should let him know how you feel. It's only fair to him and yourself. Since he cares deeply for you he might even stop of his own accord. When one party's enjoyment results in distress for the other party, it's not totally fair. And that's why you're here, of course.
I wish you luck. There is no easy answer for this. If you tell him to stop, he may stop and never do it again. But he will always think of it, and, as you said, he may end up doing it behind your back if the urge is strong enough. And the question is whether you would want him to suppress this part of his sexuality....
I think your relationship with your husband is wonderful and I hope you two can find a happy resolution.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 October 2008): Hello Everyone,
It's me "Husband having sex with other men" Sorry about not being alittle more detailed when I first posted yesterday. I'm just really confused, hurt, doubting myself, you name it and I'm feeling it. Please let me give you a little history...We feel madly in love when we were 20 and have had a wonderful marriage. We also have a fantastic sex life! He says it is not me at all...he just has something for older, hairy, uncut men and he wants to play the female role by being on the bottom. I rational all of this because I can't possibly compete with that...no penis. He is very open only because the thought of him sneaking around would make me furious...don't ask my why...maybe not knowing would be better. We are so close to one another that it's hard not to discuss this issue occasionally. Also, he has said that if I ever ask him not to do this, than it won't ever be done again. I don't know if I can really believe that, he would probably sneak...not sure on that one. It's hard to even discuss this, my stomach gets all knotted up! We are very happy...this one issue is the weirdest thing...I waffle back and forth...Am I doing the right thing?...We deeply love one another and are best friends. I'm trying to be open minded and understand someone else's needs...it's just very confusing. I cried today when I read everyone's answers...you compassion and caring floored me...I needed the input so much and there were some great suggestions. I found you by accident yesterday while my husband ways gone on one of his meetings...yes, these meetings are sexual and man to man. I hope I've shed some more light on the subject and Thank You all from the bottom of my heart...I don't feel soooooo alone anymore. Bless You All, S
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 October 2008): PPS: Sorry it's me again... do you really need to know all the details. If it feels better, then of course you should discuss it. But if it gets too much and increases the pain, then tell him to keep his sex life secret because you don't want to know, because he hasn't involved you, it's something that's just for him... Please remind him to always practice safe sex and use a condom to make sure he keeps you safe.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 October 2008): PS: You always have the option to say no more, it hurts and it betrays the vows you made together, and you also have the option to leave. You are the one in the driving seat, you have done nothing wrong, he is the one who has changed the marriage contract. Please do as you think best.....
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 October 2008): Hi babes,
You have been given a good spread of answers. We neither judge you or your husband, but have examined the angle from every side. As a wife who was expecting a monogamous marriage between you and your husband, you have every right to feel betrayed and upset. Your right, it is good that he can feel confident and secure enough with you to tell you exactly what is going on. I know you didn't bargain on this when you married him, and you have been more understanding and accepting than most women would have been.
It's all down to you babes, it's your marriage, your life and your husband. How much can you stand, how much do you love him, how much can you accept. If you love him, and understand this need he has, I would suggest you negotiate and compromise. Once a month would be too much for me, I think that is greedy and you have been more than fair. How about two or three times a year, his little secret time, to do this thing that he enjoys. Not many women could stand this, and I understand that it might be too much for you. You are in the driving seat, it's your wishes that matter here. I don't think you can tell him to stop, it seems that this is an important part of his life. But you have room to negotiate if you want to continue this marriage. Giving into his fantasy by using a dildo, might keep him quiet for a time. I hope this we have helped, I know this is very hard for you. Again, I must say, you do have a very strong marriage, not many women would accept this or even understand it, the way that you seem to do...
Good luck, please come back if you need any further advice or help. We are all thinking about you and your husband, and we would love to know how this all works out for you both... Take care of you always, blessings.
...............................
A
male
reader, oldfool +, writes (24 October 2008):
Thanks for that, Fade!
Actually, with the strap-on, I wasn't suggesting using it for intercourse. Just that maybe he'd be turned on by the sight of his wife with a hard-on! Some guys find it fascinating. My aim was kinky, not gross!
...............................
A
male
reader, oldfool +, writes (24 October 2008):
I'm aware of the conventional view on these things. And I'm aware that this matter is upsetting you. I was trying to suggest there is another way of looking at it. Maybe it will help defuse your hurt, maybe not. But I really don't feel that telling you "your husband is gay, he's disrespectful, etc.", which can only reinforce your feelings of disquiet, is going to help you accept this or come closer to your husband.
I also respect Danielpiew's views. I've always found him open-minded and caring of other people. I suspect that Fade and I have significant differences :) but as Daniel said, that's part of the beauty of this forum.
...............................
A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (24 October 2008):
 Fade, I'm sorry, but I never said what you think I said. Maybe it's a language thing, the fact that English is NOT my native language. In my books, it's cheating, and worse, if you're open about it. I thought the irony was clear.
I feel you and I have a language problem. We don't understand each other. A rare happening between a Canadian and me.
...............................
A
male
reader, Danielepew +, writes (24 October 2008):
Oldfool, I respect your point of view, though obviously I disagree with you. No big deal, different opinions are what makes this site great. And we have agreed in the past, sometimes very much.
I just would like to point to something. English is not my native language, so you will forgive me if I'm wrong. I am under the impression that native speakers of English use the word "sleeping" in more than the literal sense, to mean "death", for example, as in "put the dog to sleep", or as in "having sex with". Either that, or the Webster's is wrong when it says this:
"Sleep"
"3 : to have sexual relations —usually used with with transitive verb-".
I think you took a similar liberty with language when you wrote "spending the night with". By the way, you can have sex in broad daylight, not necessarily "spending the night" with someone. And you may have sex at night, for one hour or two. However, I will accept that you meant "having sex with" when you wrote "spending the night".
By the way, the poster IS saying that her husband has sex with other men.
Where I live, many men are very open about having a mistress, two or more. I'm not exaggerating. I see that is not cheating. Many a Latin American macho husband can sleep well from now on. They are not cheating on their wives, and never have.
...............................
A
male
reader, oldfool +, writes (24 October 2008):
Oh, speaking of strap-on dildoes. Would your husband be interested in a bit of "homosexual" play with you if you strapped on a dildo? He sounds kinky -- maybe he'd like to be kinky with you! Just a thought.
...............................
A
male
reader, oldfool +, writes (24 October 2008):
I don't agree with any of the previous posters.
1) If you read my other posts you'll understand that I don't agree with the current classification into "straight, gay, bi". The desire for certain sexual experiences has to do with sexual proclivities, which are too varied to be boxed into these three categories based on the gender of the sexual other. Your husband isn't "gay", he doesn't love other men, but he does have his own special "perversion", an interest in penises, which is no worse than other little perversions (e.g., women who like anal sex, which is a "heterosexual" perversion, but a perversion nonetheless, or men who like their wife to dress up in leather, or women who like to use dildoes). I use the word "perversion" in an approving sense, because often it is our little "perversions" that add spice to our sex life.
(And incidentally, what about men who like to watch their wives having sex with other men? Are they gay because they like to watch penises in action? Or are they straight because they like to watch their wife in action? What about my secret fantasy that my girlfriend straps on a big dildo and ravages me with it? I honestly think that the gay/straight distinction is quite artificial!)
2) Your husband is NOT cheating on you. Cheating is deceiving someone. He's not deceiving you; he's being perfectly honest and upfront. He's also not necessarily "sleeping" with other men. I have no idea where he's doing this, or what he's doing, but you certainly didn't tell us he was spending the night.
The question here is whether you can accept this or not. I admire your husband for his sincerity and honesty. If he was "smarter" (in a conventional sense) he would hide this from you and really cheat. But he's taken you completely into his confidence. That means that he loves you and trusts you.
IF you can accept his little "perversion", and maybe even incorporate some elements into the fantasies of your sex life, then there is nothing bad about this! It's perfectly fine! I wouldn't regard this as a threat to your relationship or your sexuality.
The only caveat I would have about this is the same as if he were out screwing other women (including prostitutes). There is the risk of disease, which you may not find acceptable. That is something that you should consider and discuss with him.
Otherwise, I would relax and don't let conventional judgements intrude on your relationship with your husband.
...............................
A
male
reader, Crowson_punk +, writes (24 October 2008):
ok guys, i've read all of your posts now, and there is one piece of info i feel that is missing before you can say he is gay.
Do you still have sex as a couple?? If so is it love making?
That really is the decider because i do agree that to be going out and doing it pretty much regardless of your feelings does not point to him to being interested in yourself.
I agree with Dainelepew that if he is gay, then talking wont help the relationship continue, but it may answer your questions. if he wont answer or talks around the issues (most likely focussing on your marriage and the kids rather than how you yourself are being made to feel,) then you know that it cant work as it is now.
Another big thing i missed before is when you say he tells you "everything" if he's giving you the gory details (as so to speak) then i cant imagine that feels very pleasent for you. I know how i would feel.
I would discuss the future of the realtionship, and how the kids fit in to it all, rather than his sexuality, because as has been said, it wont be changing.
Jon.
...............................
A
male
reader, Danielepew +, writes (24 October 2008):
I'm with LostSoul. "Sleeping with other men" is the definition of "gay". You're husband is gay. I respect Crowson, but, from this side of the fence, it's not easy to see whether he's a bisexual or someone who's always been gay, but slept with women, too. It might seem I'm using different words to describe the same thing, but we all know full well that's not the case.
You're right, poster, to feel hurt because he's sleeping with anyone else. I am under the impression that he doesn't care what you feel about this. I don't think he became gay all of a sudden. This has been with him for a long time. That is not to say he's been sleeping around, however.
I'm afraid I disagree with Crowson. Talking won't serve any purpose. You have to choose between accepting that or leaving.
...............................
A
male
reader, Crowson_punk +, writes (24 October 2008):
I can sympathise with both of you, as I myself am a bisexual man, with a bisexual partner! We have a kid and a very loving healthy relationship.
We both talked right at the start about how we felt, but of course I'm guessing that he wasn't sure or didn't feel ready to talk about it before!
Remember that bisexual men have a completely seperate set of urges and desires that straight guys don't. He most likely really does love you and i'm guessing would follow you to the end of the earth. BUT he also has needs that as a woman you cant properly fulfill. I dont just mean the obvious genital issues, but it's also about the voice, the body and for some the hairyness!!!
Talk to him, and see if he's comfortable with telling what it is about older men that he likes? he obviously (like myself) doesn't really like men in a relationship sense (we can be really whiny to live with as i'm sure u already know :) let alone all the other male behaviour traits!!)
But from your angle, he does need to understand how you feel, as he is cheating on you, regardless of how he rationalises it. Therefore he needs to understand how you feel about all this, and also the implications of this on you kids, as as college-age kids if this is found out by their peers they could get a real hard time for it.
The only thing you can do is talk to him. IF he's shy about actually talking, write how you feel down!!!
Thats just my take and if you do feel like this can work, and he's willing to have a few ground rules then all should be well. But don't let him think that it's 100% ok with you if it isn't!!
Jon.
...............................
A
female
reader, Lost_Soul85 +, writes (24 October 2008):
Not wanting to sound blunt, but it sounds pretty gay to me. He's having sex with men, how is that not gay?
Erm, I would let him know that your not entirely comfortable with the situation... are you two maintaining sexual relations?
If it were me I know I wouldn't be happy if my partner was having sex with other people, regardless of gender - I mean 25 years is a long time to be in a relationship but surely this will render big problems and then theres the whole STD issue.
...............................
|
