A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am a member of an online dating service. A guy emailed me and asked if I wanted to chat so I replied and we wrote a couple of lengthy emails to one another. I don't have a picture on the site but he does. We are both 29 y/o and looking for dating. It usually takes him a week or two to reply but he always replies. Anyway, I ended up going to his church. So far I attended one young adult activity which was a scavenger hunt. His group always seemed to be around my group. He does know one of the other girls but they all have boyfriends so I know he's not interested in them. We were trying to take pictures of his group and he was running around acting silly and smiling. While we were all sitting waiting for everyone to finish, he started showing our group pictures and he passed the camera to me while holding onto it. It was a funny picture. While a few of us were waiting for people to arrive for the bbq, he sat across from me. I was too shy to make eye contact with him. He was barbecuing the food. We all brought our own food so I had to stand beside him to put my burgers on the bbq. We were standing so close there was barely any room for personal space. He asked me how to cook the burgers and I said they just take a couple of minutes. When he thought they were done he put them on a plate and I asked him if they were mine and he said yes but he didn't know how to tell if they were ready so I said when they're hot. When he gave me the burgers he leaned over to talk to me. This Sunday at church he sat directly in front of me. While we were saying good morning, he didn't shake my hand until I made eye contact with him. When he shook my hand, he leaned over and said good morning. I noticed that his hands never left his hips unless he was sitting. He stretched his arm out on another chair where no one was sitting. After we sat down from singing , he fixed his shirt. He leaned toward the chair where his arm was outstretched. During fellowship I was standing by the door and he was standing with a group of his friends and I saw him look in my direction.He's always smiling. I can't tell if he likes me by him smiling because he always smiles.During church, his back was toward me because he was sitting in front of me.I emailed him 4 days ago but he hasn't emailed me back yet. Is he interested and shy. In my emails I told him about a family member who passed away. Do you think it might have scared him off? Now that we go to the same church, do you think he knows I like him? I'm too shy to ask him if he likes me. His friends are always around and I don't know if that would influence his behaviour or not?What kinds of things do guys do when they like a girl?
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 November 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you cowboy for your advice, it was very helpful
I'm still attending the same church and I participate in activities there. The guy that I like doesn't really talk to me but he doesn't seem to mind that I'm there. The other day there was a coffee house and I sat at a table across from him. It was a round table so everyone was able to talk and listen to everyone ele. He was talking to one of my friends so I was listening and make eye contact with whoever was talking. I've been going to church and other church related activities and we seem to cross paths often. Although he hasn't e-mailed me in a month which leads me to believe he is not interested. Unless he is interested but to afraid to e-mail me.
There is just one problem, I really like him. I can't stop thinking about him. He was the one who e-mailed me first.
Should I e-mail him again or should I just wait until we get to know each other in person?
A
male
reader, Cowboy  +, writes (24 October 2008):
I think you've hit on the important thing already, smiling.
People smile to others as a way of communicating that they are non threatening and receptive to interaction.
This guy smiles a lot, and maybe this means that he's a nice friendly guy. It may also mean that he's shy.
I'm guessing from what you've read that you are a painfully shy person.
You've provided descriptions of events in minute detail, which means that you've obviously been analysing the situation very closely.
I think maybe you're analysing a little too closely. If this guy's shy, and you're also shy, you may spend the rest of your lives liking each other but not doing anything about it!
To answer your question directly, no, asking if a burger is cooked properly does not mean that he likes you.
However, the guy probably knows how to cook a burger, but was asking you about it so that he had an excuse to talk to you.
Maybe he likes you, maybe not. However, my guess (and it is only a guess) is that if he didn't like you, and knew you were the person he had been messaging, he'd probably have avoided having a conversation with you.
I felt a bit sad when I read your post. You seem to have low self esteem, and one of the symptoms of this is shyness. You have to face the fact that if this guy likes you, he's probably not going to tell you so straight away.
You have to take a risk.
Are you a nice person? Are you capable of loving someone? Shy people generally are nice people.
Think of all your good qualities, and how lucky the guy would be if he was with someone as nice as you.
If it helps clarify your thoughts, write a list of things that you would consider to be good qualities about yourself.
I think it's good that you've tried so hard to observe the guys body language etc, but what if he's doing the same?
He might think 'I tried to start a conversation with this girl, but she just gave me a short, gruff answer and didn't make eye contact'
This is the problem with shyness, it makes you act the exact opposite of how you feel!
The conversation about flipping burgers is interesting, precisely because it isn't. It's an enormously dull thing for him to talk to you about. It sounds to me like he talked to you about burgers because he wanted to talk to you, and burgers were the only excuse he could come up with.
I think the important thing to do is to force yourself not to over analyse things, and make sure you smile at him.
When he sees a warm smile, he might pluck up the courage to talk to you again.
Next time you talk to him, don't answer his questions and then fall silent. Make a point of asking him a question back to keep the dialogue going.
I'd be careful about talking to him about your bereavement so soon.
It may sound a little cruel, but people don't tend to care about people they don't know anywhere near as much as people they do know.
While he may be sympathetic, he doesn't know the person who died, and he barely knows you, so it may just come across as a bit needy, which is never attractive.
He was on the same dating site as you. While there is certainly no shame in using this method to meet people, it does tell you something about him.
Why did you join the site? I'm guessing that it's because you feel ready to meet someone to have a relationship with?
Seems to me that he's probably on there for the same reason.
You posted your message here because you need to know if this guy likes you. Nobody here can answer that question. The only person that can is the man himself, and he'll only let you know the answer if you talk to him.
He probably wants to know if you like him too, and he tried to find out by starting a conversation about burgers, because that was the only thing he could think of at the time. Give the poor guy a break, think about some things you could talk to him about, and have a proper conversation with him!
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