A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I need advice. Me and my husband of 9 months have been at item for 8 years. In this last few years he did a bit of backpacking with his mates and i guess you could say he got a bit of the travel bug. Im not a big fan of travelling to farway places such as thailand and australia and am quite a home bird. The reason he gets to travel is because he only has seasonal work and so works hard for 9 months but nothing for 4 months. I on the other hand work in retail and have limited holidays. So once again he has 4 months of freedom and tells me he going to australia for 5 weeks - WHETHER I LIKE IT OR NOT. I feel so hurt now that we married i thought we could try save for a bigger house or a change of car before we have children -im 32 now. I dont really know how to handle this obstacle but i think its unfair to ask to go away for that length of time now we married. Any thoughts please... or am i being unreasonable??
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female
reader, Eyespy17  +, writes (5 October 2011):
Are you invited to go? I know you may not want to sence you're a home body, but are you invited?
Would you consider going for a week of the 5? Do you also plan trips together ?
It's not unreasonable for him to want to travel but it should be a discussion with you NOT a "here's what I'm doing, bye".
Talk to him. Calmly.
A
female
reader, RedAthena +, writes (5 October 2011):
 Did he have the traveling bug before you got married?
Did you discuss your expectations of your marriage before you got married? Time together? Time apart? Kids...etc?
Before you form you ask "Should I stay or should I go?" You need to have a conversation with him if you never sat down and discussed your thoughts and feelings on this.
You may have completely different expectations of marriage and opposite personalities. Neither one of you are being unreasonable as individuals. But both of you might be unreasonable as a couple.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (5 October 2011):
 It sounds like you two are in different boats rowing toward different goals. If you can't get in the same boat and row as a team, your marriage will not survive.
He has to understand this as well as you. Did you discuss your future life, how it would be, what your goals/dreams/plans for it were, before you got married? How do his travel plans fit in with the agreed upon general course of your life?
These are questions for you to answer, either privately with yourself, or here for the aunts to provide further feedback.
If it wasn't discussed, well, you are behind but it might be salvageable with some counseling, a mediator for the two of you.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (5 October 2011):
 how long would you be ok with him going away for?
10 days
2 weeks?
I think seperate trips are fine but I do think 5 weeks is a bit excessive.
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A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (5 October 2011):
 I dont think its unreasonable of him at all - this is one of his passions and he is not asking to go away for ages, just 5 weeks. In his mind he has some free time and wants to explore the world - what is so bad with that? Just because you do not share his passion doesnt mean he has to stop now you are married.
However I think there is a compromise to be found here. Have you told him you want to start saving for a bigger house/car etc? Does he know that you want to do this before having kids, and you are worried about your age so you want to do this sooner rather than later?
What I suggest you do is sit down and talk to him face to face. Tell him that you are happy for him to go away to Australia and you want him to continue enjoying his passion for travel, however now you are married there were a few things you were hoping to do as a couple, including saving for a house, car etc. Explain to him that you are worried about your age and having children, hence why you want to start saving up as soon as possible. Then tell him that you dont want to stop him going away but you would appreciate it if he could maybe make a plan with you for savings and try and scale down the holidays a bit to accomodate your plans. Maybe suggest he goes away for 3 weeks rather than 5?
If you get angry and confront him and tell him that he cant go away, then he will get angry and defensive, and tell you he is going regardless. However if you sit down with him, explain your reasons for wanting to save money and tell him you are happy for him to go on his holidays but you just want him to scale back a bit - you are far more likely to come to a compromise that way and avoid an argument.
I hope this helps and good luck!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 October 2011): Your partner's behaviour sounds a bit unreasonable. You can't be in a relationship, and then make your own plans like this - it's selfish and unfair! Relationships are about compromise - it's simply rude to present lengthy travel plans like this as a fait accompli. Let alone the fact that your partner is behaving like a child himself, rather than an adult with future plans involving kids!I suggest that you sit him down and express how hurt you are. Explain that you want children in future, and that you think that the pair of you need to start making preparations towards this. Try to see if you can reach a compromise. That might mean you agreeing to some travel, because it's what he enjoys - as well as him scaling back his plans a bit to accommodate sensible financial considerations (and maybe getting a temp job!).
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A
female
reader, neomum +, writes (5 October 2011):
Unreasonable you KNOW he is the one being unreasonable and why did you not have this talk about what you both wanted out of a marriage before you married each other. If my husband did this to me I would take my kids and leave him to his adventures as he clearly needs freedom and not being a responsible adult with marriage and kids. Have a good talk with your husband before he goes but make a few thing clear that this may be he's last trip as you want a family so he needs to get a good job on his return and see what happens he either stays with you or not you can't live your life as a part-time wife.
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A
female
reader, missindependant39 +, writes (5 October 2011):
I can see both sides to the story before you were married -but to be away from your wife for 5 weeks is having your cake and eating it. You say you knew he had the travel bug when you met and you are a homebird.You both seem to have accepted one anothers ways.
It is all very well now, but I would seriously worry about having children with this man if he thinks he can swan off and live a single life when it suits him. It is time for him to grow up - he has lived the dream and if he wanted to settle down and get married then he should act like a married man.
I think you should sit him down and ask him what exactly is his idea of 'marriage'.
Good luck x
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