A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Some 3 years back my husband had sex with a prostitute on an official trip abroad, he back and confessed too but since then I cannot trust him and I am constantly living under the fear that sooner or later he will do it again.How can I start trusting him again, in fact since the time I have learnt this I haven't been able to love him like before. Something within has changed my feelings towards him and I cannnot come to terms with the fact that he actually slept with another woman that too a prostitute. Their office has an official trip planned for Bangkok this April and I am horrified with this thought of letting him go alone to the infamouus city of bangkok - I hope you all know what is Bangkok's reputation - I would say the sex capital of this world. I cannot be spying on him all the time and at the same time cannot stop thinking about it. How do I make sure he doesn't sleep with another woman again.Please folks I am looking for sensible advise. I have no one but this forum to share my feelings.
View related questions:
prostitute Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (1 February 2012):
 What are the circumstances that have led you to continue in the marriage despite the cheating? Is it the cultural context of your country and society? Does your family know about this?
OP you have to realize something here. If a man wants to cheat, he can cheat anywhere. He need not go to Bangkok to do it, he could be doing it next door. Its entirely a matter of trust, and if the trust is broken, then there is nothing left really. Your situation would have been a deal breaker for many women, but you have stuck it out with him, while living in constant fear and dread. Why are you choosing to live like this with this man?
Ultimately however it all boils down to the two choices that you are left with. Either you kick this man to the curb and lead a life without him and free of all these worries and fears of what he might do. Or you accept that you cannot stop him in any way and even if you ask him not to go on this trip, there will be other trips. And its not just about official things, as I said, if a person wants, he can do anything anywhere.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 February 2012): There are two choices: leave him and free yourself of this pain he has caused you and that he will most likely continue to cause you or stay with him and realize that no matter what you can't ever really trust him again and he is going to continue along this path. If you already can't love him the same way now just imagine what it's going to be like 5 years from now.
As you can see from the responses here about cheaters, statistically, men who do this generally continue a long with this behaviour, so it isn't going to get better, it's going to get worse.
...............................
A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (1 February 2012):
 You are caught between a rock and a hard place, there is no good way to handle this situation. If you keep quiet your distrust will gnaw at you and come out somehow, somewhere, later down the track, if you do say something it may cause friction, he quite possibly wont understand your concerns, a male friend once told me having sex with a prostitute meant as little as shaking hands with a stranger .... but if you talk to him with a view to cancelling the trip it may affect his career --- in some ways the best thing to do is to print off the page with your letter on it and hand it to him as that will at least open communications.
Good luck!
And not to concern you but my (ex) husband also visited a brothel on a work trip away, he didnt tell me, I found out in a horrible way, I did forgive him, but it turned out to be just one in a long sting of sex outside the marriage, most of the subsequent women were more than one night stands. Whatever you do don't be a doormat!
...............................
A
female
reader, natasia  +, writes (1 February 2012):
 I think your only hope is to explain it to him just as you have explained here.
He must know how that affected you, and of course it is only natural that you would be worried about this trip. In your place, I too would be worried.
It is all together difficult, because now even if he goes, he will probably not confess if anything happened. To be honest, it would have been easier if he hadn't confessed before. Because now you don't trust him. But people always 'need' to confess.
Really, this is his problem: talk to him and see what he says. Then go from there.
Personally I wouldn't let him on the trip, but that is also kind of invasive in his work life. He needs to ring up on the day and say he is ill and can't go. It's his fault - he was unfaithful, he told you, he lost your trust. I know maybe not helpful to talk about 'fault', but I just think he should make an innocent excuse and not go on the trip.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 February 2012): if i were you I could not continue the marriage. Free yourself from the fear that he will sleep with another prostitute, leave this marriage and leave him to do whatever he wants to whom.He broke his marriage vows - he cheated on you. he endangered your health. and I feel it's even worse that it was a prostitute rather than he had a secret affair with another woman that was at least a relationship between equals.he basically paid for sex. He paid to use a woman's body for his own sexual gratification. This is disgusting. he has shown that he thinks nothing of using a woman like an object. Prostitutes are trapped in those jobs, you think they enjoy being prostitutes? it's a horrible industry. And your husband is one of the customers who is happily helping to support this abusive industry that harms women. to me this is worse than if he was having an affair with another woman which at least is a relationship of equals and not a supporter of the abuse and harm of women and girls.I could never share a bed with such a 'husband' again. like you, my feelings will be forever changed and I think that it is a good and healthy thing that you feel this way. your feelings are warning you to stay away from a man like this. not only did he betray the marriage but the way he treats women as objects and happily supports an industry that mistreats women and girls, is disturbing and cause for concern that you live with such a person.and if he's going to bangkok I'm sorry but i can almost guarantee you he will sleep with prostitutes again.
...............................
A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix +, writes (1 February 2012):
Hi there. If that happened 3 years ago, and he confessed it to you back then, well that's maybe a good sign.
A lot of men probably would say nothing at all, and just promise to themselves they would never do it again. And maybe filled with guilt.
I don't know which is worse - to say nothing or to confess.
To say nothing could also mean they could do it again in future, although not necessarily.
The problem now is that he has planted the seeds of doubt, which are now germinating and growing into big trees.
And once doubt is there, it can be very challenging to get rid of.
And really, it depends on what has happened in between then and now.
Also, how often does he go away with his work.
If he has always gone away as part of his job, since 3 years ago and nothing has happened, there's a pretty fair chance that there has been nothing to confess to you about.
So that's something worth thinking about.
He is obviously the type of person who would rather clear the air by confessing, than hiding it and hoping you never found out via the grapefine - which would be devastating.
Keeping that in mind, it's quite possible that you now have nothing to worry about at all. But of course, you are not to know that, because you are doubting him still - at least a little.
It seems fair that you do approach him about your doubts - before he leaves - so he is aware of how you feel.
If you don't talk about it with him, it's possible he has no idea you feel the way you do.
Because of this, it's important that you do talk about it - sooner rather than later.
Before he goes - NOT after he returns!
You need to clear the air, once and for all.
...............................
|
