A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:We have been married 33 years-happily I thought. Last week I discoverded my husband had been chatting online and on a webcam to women. Mostly ordinary stuff but also talk of kissing and brushing hair, etc but not sex. He said it was for friendship. He then admitted to a 4 year affair and 3 flings - all more than 5 years ago. As if that was not bad enough I have now discovered he had been chatting to transvestites online and has been trying to arrange to meet up - to talk. Nothing has come of it. He says he is curious and that nothing sexual would happen. He says he is deeply ashamed and wants help to stop. He blames it on addiction rather than a real desire to have affairs. He says he gets sucked in by the internet. It is true that he seems addicted to all parts of the internet. He spends hours on ebay just looking and also on music sites. He has kept lots of things secret from me but now he is being very open and asking for my help to stop. He wants us to be together for ever and says he loves me and would never want to leave me. He is a kind and usually considerate man but weak in some areas. He is always trying to please everyone. Can I ever trust him and will he change? He says he will go to a counseller. He had an unhappy childhood and has low self esteem. Should I help him? I dont want to leave him as I love him and think he is still the good man I married deep down.He wants to see a counseller and he has blocked the internet so only I know the password to get on.
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male
reader, Ovid  +, writes (7 June 2010):
Things happen for a reason and claims of unhappy childhoods for reasons of unusual or changing behaviors is almost a proverb. First, he must stop this behavior because it will endanger your exclusive relationship. Secondly, it must be addressed in a forthright manner that addresses what is missing in his life to make him actually seek fulfillment of his fantasies (with transvestites?). Good professional help and a great deal of understanding is necessary right away, but with little tolerance for continued behavior. Remember, though, that in long term married relationships honesty comes first. I would add that in your help for him your sacrifices for his health should only come secondary to your own. That is real love. Ovid.
A
female
reader, laetitia  +, writes (6 June 2010):
 Do bring him to counseling.
As soon567 said, he is looking for love because he needs to feel loved. You have to find a away to make him feel loved, appreciated, needed. You need to start being more affectionate around him - hold his hand, kiss him gently, let him touch your hair, hug him, tell him how amazing he is and how much you also love him.
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A
female
reader, Ich_liebe_dich  +, writes (6 June 2010):
 Yesss. give him a chance.., He is asking help to you to stop this. Yes its true. Addiction in internet is true. Some people got family broken just because of this. This time he is asking help TO YOU" that means he is really willing to change and to stop this. Therapy is one thing could help him. Computer internet must be out of the house now. You must find out all the password of his email addresses and change the password all by your self, so he can not open this email anymore and he will lose the contact to this person. Bring him out, Go for holiday, show him the world. Tell him The Landscape, go to the sea, swimm, dream the view of the trees and flowers, tell him the earth is wonderful to see than only sitting in front of the computer. Help him, give him a chance to change. You can do it..
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A
male
reader, d2001d +, writes (6 June 2010):
1. Get a professional.2. I am sorry, but if I was in his position I wouldn't be telling you the whole truth straight away, and frankly, i'd be telling myself it was because I wanted to protect you and not hurt you. There are parts of his story that sound implausible at best, and I think you are going to have to assume the worst and treat him as if you can't trust him for a while. The problem with that is without trust, you can't really maintain a relationship. Which leads to my third point:3. Seeking out transvestites etc. is symptomatic of a problem that I am not sure is fixable. He will say it is, but I'm not so sure. See point #1. Best if luck
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A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (6 June 2010):
 Internet addiction is becoming a growing problem among marriages these days. People truly become so sucked in to the internet that they have trouble interacting with real people both sexually and emotionally. Because he admitted he has a problem and seems to truly want help, you may want to try to forgive him. He will need professional help, but he may recover if the will is there.
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A
male
reader, PeterPan +, writes (6 June 2010):
 Believe it or not, but internet addiction is a real issue these days (if you don't believe me, there have been a few different televised programs addressing it). If he is sincerely asking for help and you're willing to help him, by all means do so. If he has had self-esteem and childhood issues, this internet addiction is most likely the manifestation of those unresolved, unaddressed issues from the past (in other words, it's not for a lack of anything you have done in your marriage).
Definitely help him if you indeed care for him and want to have your marriage outlive this problem.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (6 June 2010):
 Unhappy childhood... Yeah, they said Hitler had a happy childhood, but that didn't exactly help. Nor would it excuse his behaviour if he had an unhappy childhood.
The problem is that he feels the need to write off responsibility from himself. So he blames this or that. The solution is to be strict. No more excuses. Get him to therapy. Make sure he goes there. Drive him there and then pick him up from there. And good thing about closing down the internet, make sure you change the password every now and then in case he attempt to hack into it. And check the history as well to make sure he hasn't been online. He can however always find computers outside of the house if he pleases to, so this doesn't solve much. It only makes it a little harder.
Talk to him about a plan. He has to get active in his own health. This is not something YOU should fix for him, this is something he must fix himself.
I believe you can get over it, you sound committed and wanting to work on this. As long as he wants to work on it, and is committed to you as well, there is a fair chance that you will make it through. But no more excuses from him, put him to work. A professional will be able to help with how to handle this.
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