A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi all, I am 21 yrs old and I'm seeing a new girl right now. We've been dating for quite a while now, but she said something that concerned me. She is 21 also and lost her virginity at age 18 and has since gone off and had 10 sexual partners since then, one was a relationship. I think that number is way too high for a three year span. What should I do?? Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 June 2010): If your partner says you are the best sex I have ever had, they may be most likely lying to stroke your ego, that's how lover's brains work....hopefully you hear that after a couple of years go by.....
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 June 2010): If your partner says "You are by far the best sex I've ever had!" then you have been compared to all his or her exes.
People compare past and present experiences. That's how people's brains work.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 June 2010): I am going to rock the boat here and tell you to go ahead and make some conclusions about what her number of sexual partners means.
I think she waited till the "acceptable" age to lose her virginity. I think she did not ever concern herself about the concept of love going hand in hand with that experience. I think she wanted to experiment with her sexuality and have as many partners as wanted her in the last three years. Does that make her a slut. No, not unless you believe in double standards. Does it make her sexually pomiscuous, yes. Has it put her at risk for contracting a serious STD like HPV that goes undetected? Very much so. Young girls (and men included) are at a high risk simply because of their young age for contracting HPV, it is one of the most common human viruses there is, and there are more than a 100 strains of it, 43 of which can lead to oral cancers (you can contract the virus through oral sex, not kissing) anal cancers, and cervical cancer. The virus can live under your fingernails. Condoms do not protect from contracting this virus. There is a vaccination for HPV, the long term effectiveness of the vaccination is undetermined.
People either learn from their mistakes and change their ways, or they continue to be sexually promiscous and decide to become committed when the time is right, women cheat just as often as men do, it really depends on the woman and the man.
There is no "right" answer for your question. My concern would be to that she is not in it for the long haul, and if she is how does she view relationships around the issue of monogomy? The best thing to do would be to talk about this, ask her for her reasons and try to accept her answers at face value. None of us can treat people as if they are quilty before proving innocnet, but if she is an unfaithful type, there will be other more clear signs of her character along the way. It really does take about a year and a half to get to know someone's true character, because people are on their very best behavior in the first stages of relationships, that is why if she does something to you that is unacceptable, follow the three strike rule, don't tolerate bad treatment, lying dishonesty of irresponsible behavior because it will come back to bite you much much later when it really gets down to the business of a relationship and partnership and it is much worse the more invested you are in a person to have to come to this realization. We as people tend to make excuses for people we like. Don't do it. Know who you are and what YOU stand for, set your standards high and let someone live up to that or search elsewhere.
Take care and good luck.
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female
reader, Miamine  +, writes (7 June 2010):
 Mr anon.. speak for yourself.. you must be having very bad sex if you have the time to think of other people.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 June 2010): So women don't compare their present lovers to their past lovers, huh? Just like men don't compare their lovers either, right? Whatever. We perpetuate such ludicrous crazy lies while trying to deal with sexual histories. It's pathetic. We're supposed to be mature adults and some of this stuff doesn't pass the common sense of a 6 year old.
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A
female
reader, Gabrielle Stoker +, writes (7 June 2010):
 There's something almost 'cute' about this :) 'Too many' is subjective, you know. It's more about what you think since there cannot be an objective measure.
I lost my virginity at fifteen and had 3 partners in the five years that followed. In two years since then, I've had..well, let's just say that in roman numerals it falls between 'C' and 'D'.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that past performance is not always a good indicator of future results. If you love her for what she is, don't let it bother you. IF you have doubts - end it before you go further.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (7 June 2010):
 If she's a good girl she wont be comparing you to her past partners.. No one does that unless they are meanies. And if she is a meanie you would be able to tell by her not being nice in other situations as well. What I mean to say is, if she respects you outside of the bedroom, she will most likely also respect you in the bedroom. And be mature enough to understand that humans are not mass produced and so can not be compared to each other, because we are all unique. If you judge her character to be that of a nice girl, and not a player or a sleaze ball, then go for it.
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female
reader, Miamine +, writes (7 June 2010):
hahaha.. we don't want you to dump her, but it's hard to tell you to forget your feelings and change your views..
Your both in it for the long term.. that's all that matters.. 10 guys, 100 guys.. who cares.. they are no longer here..
Women don't sit and think about past lovers and then think their current man is inadequate.. They are too busy trying to love you and get you to love them and be happy and plan the best future they can.
Don't dwell on the past, it's a waste of time.. please dwell on the present, how to make her and yourself the most happy, think about the wonderful future you both could have.. do not let the dead past ruin a wonderful relationship.. the past is long gone and she doesn't regret being with you for even a second.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 June 2010): Hi, this is the original poster. I guess the number isn't really concerning, I just want to make sure she's in it for the long run, not just the sex. I also have the concern that I'll be constantly compared to her past partners. That's about it.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 June 2010): What she has done is not right or wrong. It just means she is either a good match for you or she is not. Only you can decide here.
Her total number is not that high for the age. But her pattern of so many so fast is a bit slutty for my taste. (Yes my own sexual history passes my requirements for someone else. With flying colors.)
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (6 June 2010):
Maybe she had 10 partners in the last 3 years, and then only 1 more partner from now on (ps, that would be you yes)? What if she had 5 partners in 3 years and then 5 more partners after you.. that also makes the same number of partners.. Which one sounds better?
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male
reader, Kama  +, writes (6 June 2010):
 If she's willing to be all about you, and you can accept her past sex life, that's really not that many. Just a quick answer here
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male
reader, Jmtmj  +, writes (6 June 2010):
 Meh, its no more than an average guy would have. As long as she has no STD's, why should it matter? I found out an old girlfriend lost her virginity in a threesome with two guys and had slept with 15 guys before she was 18 so I know what you're feeling.
You kinda feel like you got ripped off and if you knew this info to begin with that, that you wouldn't have started dating her. But now that you're dating her, you can't help but feel conflicted, otherwise you'd have left her already.
I believe that you should treat each new relationship as a clean slate, whats in the past is in the past. Judge yee lest yee not be judged... (or something to that effect). Personally I hope you harden up and stay with her, but then again, its not something you forget easily now is it...
Best of luck :)
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male
reader, Yos  +, writes (6 June 2010):
 Everyone is different.
It's ok if you don't feel right about it. You're entitled to your feelings, and you're not the only one who would feel that way. Plenty of other guys would feel the same thing.
But she's not done anything wrong: it's just that she's not the kind of girl you're looking for. The important thing to understand that no number is to high, or too low in any objective way. Rather it's up to each of us to feel good about what we do and what we want.
What you do next is up to you: if you think you can get over it, then do so. But if you can't then i suggest you end it. But when you do, be kind about it. Don't make her feel bad because of the reason: you're just different. She's not a bad person and you're not a good person because of this: sex just means something different to each of you. The best we can do is live our lives the way we believe is right for ourselves, whilst having empathy and compassion for others.
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female
reader, Miamine +, writes (6 June 2010):
Agreed Vintage...
You have your beliefs, she doesn't seem to suit, why worry or make her unhappy... find a girl who has slept with the right number of people to make you less concerned...
No problems...
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 June 2010): You have the right to think what you like. If you think the number is too high, I would let her go, it is better than giving her a hard time about it.
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