A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I recently found out my husband of 5yrs was having an affair with another married woman for a little over a year. To make things worse, let me mention that I was pregnant with our 2nd child and not only did he have the nerve to screw her in MY car, but he took her to our home as well!! I later come to find out from this woman that she wasnt the only one... he messed around with another coworker of his before she came into the picture.I am truly and utterly heartbroken! This man meant the world to me and believe it or not, he made me feel the same way. He was extremely loving, supportive, a great father... we were eachothers best friend! For 9yrs, HE is all I knew! I was completely faithful and very open with him... Its sickening that he was sexually involved with other women... especially while I was pregnant! I know he doesnt deserve me and I sometimes regret that he ever came into my life!I hate that I still love him... but the one thing that is holding me back from immediately divorcing him are my kids, who are both @ a very young age. We have started counseling (I agreed, only because I want to atleast prove to my kids, that I did attemt to make it work, and didnt give up on them right off the bat)Im still extremely torn and furious for betraying me in such a horrible way... Ive even thought about sleeping with a good friend of mine... hoping I could heal this pain. Ive threatened him many times... Telling him that I will make him feel the same pain I am before we divorce. and thats all it was, a threat. But now Im really conteplating it! but not sure if its my best option. In my heart I feel like our marriage is detroyed and theres no way I will ever see that man I had fallen in love with.I have already begun a flirtatious relationship with this friend of mine... But I refuse to take it a step further, I just dont know why I care so much when he DIDNT!!Should I take it to the next level with this other guy? or just stick it out to the very end?
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affair, best friend, cheated on me, co-worker, divorce, flirt, heartbroken, married woman Reply to this Question
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male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (27 August 2010):
You won't feel better. And in fact, you'll look worse than him. Because you've started counselling, and you've both taken steps to try and fix this. He won't feel your pain. No one will. Instead, they'll all judge you so much more harshly and make you out to be at least as bad, probably worse. You made the decisions to at least give this marriage a try and take up counselling. If you now throw that away, you will have just made it worse. Everyone will just say you're a liar and a cheat. Worse, they may well claim he is the victim in it all and blame you for his cheating as well.
You are either in this marriage, or you're filing for divorce. You can't go on a revenge spree, or you'll be the one who loses.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 August 2010): All I want to say is that you do not compromise your own integrity to YOURSELF. You are a person who would never cheat. Don't let your weak husband's bad behaviour shape yours. You will regret it with time.
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A
male
reader, DoubleM +, writes (27 August 2010):
 Getting alternatively "sexuality involved" will not likely "heal" much of this pain.
It may be fun and adventurous and all that, which is what he has been enjoying behind your back. Now, you are certain what kind of man you married. Do not expect that man to change - just decide if it's the life you want. We very rarely change much at all, and rarely do women "change" either. If I were a woman, I'd cut-off with him and seek a better man while the kids are young enough to not be totally devastated. He will likely always have influence and participation in their lives, if he wishes, but if this is not the kind of marriage you prefer, major change is highly likely the only solution, based on your posting.
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A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (27 August 2010):
 Understand if you do, you will be no better than he has been. It's the act of adultery that hold the title adulterer for those who act against the marriage. Right now he is, and you are faithful, but if you do anything with your friend, you can no longer be considered faithful. Let me ask you a question. Are you a cheater? If not, then why would cheating be contemplated as an option? I know it hurts. My ex-wife, well I know of 7 affairs, but suspect there were more. I didn't have one, even to get revenge, because cheating is not who I am. If it's not who you are, don't let what he did create you into becoming who you are not.
Can you forgive him? If not, file your divorce papers, because your family will not be a good environment for the kids, if there is no real attempt to put this behind the both of you, start fresh and treat each other with the respect you both deserve. If you cannot forgive, your marriage is over, and no amount of counseling will repair what you two have become. Forgiveness is KEY to repairing your marriage if that is what you intend on trying to do. Another thing, I've talked to people who've done what you are considering. If cheating is not who you are, even though he did it already and it hurt, getting even WILL NOT reduce or eliminate the guilt that is associated with acting against who you are. Cheating goes against the integrity and character that has kept you faithful for 9 years. You're already dealing with his actions, don't double your pain by doing something that will cause it. You may think this is a good idea, but your subconscious has how you view cheating logged. It will pull up and throw your views of it being wrong and hurtful in your face every you look at your husband or your kids if you go through with it.
You need to decide, forgive and go through counseling and the healing process, or file for divorce and go through healing yourself. This is up to you, and no one can tell you what to choose. I know this hurts bad, but never act in the manner that someone else acted which caused you the pain. It's not worth it, and will only add to and prolong the healing process. Our reaction is often to lash out and make them feel how their actions made us feel. Unfortunately, if you do this to him and your family, you will equally be harming yourself.
I wish you the best, and I hope for your sake and for your kids that you decide against following through with what you were contemplating. Take care.
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A
female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (27 August 2010):
 Few questions...You just started counseling is it not working so far? And then you said before we divorce so you're definitely divorcing him?
You already know 2 wrongs don't make a right, and you don't have it in you to cheat..What would you gain from this if you retaliated, do you think you're going to get satisfaction that you're going to hurt your husband? He's not really going to care...seeing as he's already cheated twice, did it with her in your home, in your car, and while you were pregnant with his child. He stepped the line cheating but he took it to another level bringing the affair to your home!! This guy is a worthless piece of crap, the only good thing you got out of him was the children. My advice go through with the divorce, get custody of the children because frankly I wouldn't want them seeing daddy bring home a different woman every night. Him losing everything will be the ultimate retaliation.
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