A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My husband of 20 months is what I think is verbally abusive towards me, he calls me a s**g, b***h, w***e, thick, stupid, dumb, joke, f**k up, failure, pathetic. But he says he wouldn't call me any of these things if I didn't ignore him which he says makes him loose his temper. Everything is always my fault. When he talks to me like this I say to him 'Who do you think you are or who do you think you are talking to' to which he just shouts 'I'm talking to you' He never listens to a thing I say or cares about how I feel, everything is always about him or how he is feeling. Or when I've had enough of the way he speaks to me I'll give it back to him to which he turns it around and says I'm verbally abusive towards him!I've told him that he should respect me as his wife, i'm 5'4 he is 5'9 he says you earn respect, last month he lost his temper after receiving some bad news, I told him I was throwing all the alcohol out in the house (as he gets worse in drink) to which he chased after me and pushed me into a door handle resulting in a very large bruise over my ribs the next day. He still blames me for that saying he had just had bad news and I threatened him (I told him I was throwing the alcohol away!!!!)We've been married for 20 months (been together for 7) and for the 20 months he's threatened me with divorce more times than I can remember he was never like this before we got married. In his threats of divorce he will usually tell me that no one would put up with my s**t. We don't have sex, I stay up till 3am and get up at 10am, the house is always clean and tidy when he gets home I just don't see why I should have sex with someone who blames me for the way he talks to me, let alone blames me for everything or has little or no respect for me. I'm totally fed up. I live in a country where the job prospects for a female are very limited and the part time job I do have doesn't exactly pay fantastic. He's the bread winner but I end up buying more food and household stuff than he does. He says that's my own fault. His attitude over money is what he earns is his (he has $350,000 in his bank) and what I earn is mine (I don't even have a bank account) but he just can't see that what I earn isn't getting spent on myself. Last week he said that when we aren't talking he refuses to buy any food let alone provide for me at all. He then said it is not his duty as a husband to provide food for me at all as the bread winner! We don't have any children (Thank God) I just don't know what to do. I've got know where to go except to live with my parents and I have $120 to my name and no qualifications. He says if and when I leave I am not getting a penny of his money. I don't know what to do or where to go! I'm totally stuck. I don't have any friends I could go to or stop with. I just don't know what to do. Is everything my fault, I know I don't go to bed with him but he wants everything his way all the time. He has full control over the tv so when he's gone to bed it's the only time I can watch what I want to watch. And I don't see why I should go to bed with someone that says you earn respect and blames me everything, let alone have sex with them. Help please?
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divorce, live with my parents, money Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 March 2011): I read your email and feel like someone just punched me in the stomach. I hear your words and know that you've described just only a small bit of what you've actually been through. You mentioned that you were 20 months in...I'm 23 years married and 7 years dating on & off.
It's been incredibly difficult...I waited to leave him until the kids (two boys) went away to college...thinking that it was the right things to do, or so I thought. My youngest has been gone for 7 months and I feel more trapped and desperate than ever. What's my excuse now? All I know is that I always seem to have one...why I can't leave. Please get out (hopefully you already have...but I'm sure that you haven't) as soon as you can. No children and less emotionally (and physically) damaged...from the stress alone. I have a great support system and yet I struggle.
Tonight was an especially bad night...now they're all running together and the safety issue is escalating. I'm going to get out...I vow it.
Don't let your soul be stolen...it only gets worse and you can't change him. Now for me to take my own advice...I'm working on it..my life depends on it....I'm praying for you! You deserve the best life possible!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 March 2011): I read your email and feel like someone just punched me in the stomach. I hear your words and know that you've described just only a small bit of what you've actually been through. You mentioned that you were 20 months in...I'm 23 years married and 7 years dating on and off.It's been incredibly difficult...I waited to leave him until the kids (two boys) went away to college...thinking that it was the right things to do, or so I thought. My youngest has been gone for 7 months and I feel more trapped and desperate than ever. What's my excuse now? All I know is that I always seem to have one...why I can't leave. Please get out (hopefully you already have...but I'm sure that you haven't) as soon as you can. No children and less emotionally (and physically) damaged...from the stress alone. I have a great support system and yet I struggle.Tonight was an especially bad night...now they're all running together and the safety issue is escalating. I'm going to get out...I vow it.Don't let your soul be stolen...it only gets worse and you can't change him. Now for me to take my own advice...I'm working on it..my life depends on it....I'm praying for you! You deserve the best life possible!
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A
female
reader, amcashes  +, writes (2 October 2010):
 This is not on you its on him. I would tell you to get a divorce because if you dont get out you will get hurt. When this kind of stuff happends it normally doesnt stop. There have been many cases that end up in death. Please be careful and make sure your safe whatever you do. I was in something much like this not that long ago.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 October 2010): Forgot to mention... as part of the preparation get some free advice if possible from a legal expert so you know precisely where you stand financially. If you are married you are entitled, by law, to payments / money. He is just threatening you by what he is saying about not giving you a penny... to keep you low and keep you feeling worthless. He is wrong and he knows that very few women would put up with his disgusting behaviour.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 October 2010): He is a classic abuser and this situation will get worse not better (if you can possibly believe that). Please read one of the websites like www.hiddenhurt.co.uk and others as his behaviour is emotionally / psychologically abusive and he also uses physical violence to control you. You are on a road to nowhere staying in that relationship. The best advice I can give you is to start making proper plans for yourself now. Set up a private bank account that he cannot find out about. Start searching for properties in an area you wish to live (away from him) and identify what income you need. Start looking for a job. Enlist a small group of extremely trustworthy people to support you and one person who you know will 'be there for you' if needed urgently. Maintain your dignity whilst making your plans but remember to keep what I used to call a 'panic bag' ready - again secretly - which contains a mobile phone, some toiletries, keys and bank details as well as some cash. This is what you grab if you ever want or indeed need to get out that house quickly. How long do you want to stay in this situation and feel like this? Waiting for him to change or see the error of his ways? He won't change but you can change your life. Its up to you.
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A
female
reader, nutella +, writes (2 October 2010):
There's a very good book called 'The Seven Principles of Making Marriage Work' by John Gottman. I suggest you get that (prob super cheap second hand if you need to), look through it in your own space and from there think some more about whether there's any hope for the relationship. It's really a great book, full of insights. Obviously for any relationship to work there needs to be effort on both sides, but you can only ever control your side.
You might decide that the relationship is abusive and beyond repair. If you do, then you could start thinking through your options in your own time. The greatest danger is the relationship crushing your self esteem (and if you are ever again in physical danger, it's really time to get yourself away from him, whatever lame excuses or justifications he comes out with for it). And the absuive comments - please don't start blaming and doubting yourself and thinking that the other person is somehow right in what they are saying.
Getting called abusive names, not feeling safe, being financially drained whilst he is doing fine, everything altogether - all these are red flags, and should not be happening, and you don't deserve them.
Don't hang around too long trying to fix this. There will be better things ahead if you can't - I can guarantee that..
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A
male
reader, Cerberus_Raphael  +, writes (2 October 2010):
 None of this is your fault. You have done nothing to deserve this sort of angered and irrational aggression. If your parents will allow it, go to live with your parents. You should not have to accept this sort of aimless behavior from anyone. Leave him and go to your parents, from there, begin planning. Find a job, I know that you have no official qualifications but there is always going to be somewhere you can start. Nothing is impossible.
Good Luck
I hope that helps.
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