A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My Husband and I were separated. While separated I slept with someone else. I now am trying to get him back. How do I keep my husband. He read some stuff on my computer and got very angry. Again we were separated. What do I do ? Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 November 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI am very thankful for all the advice. It really made me think.
A
male
reader, duce00 +, writes (27 October 2009):
 I was in a very similar situation once. Even though we were not married we got pretty close. Not to down you but I must be dead honest with you from a pretty well experienced position on this one. Its a deal breaker, and most men and women I know agree.
Here is why: Regardless of the vows or the legality or even the specifics of the act itself, its about reliability. I also believe that this holds true for how men conduct themselves in the same circumstances (no double standards here folks). Relationships can have ups and downs, especially if it lasts a long time. If your partner shows weakness with regards to seeking affection from others during times of emotional despair it greatly damages trust and is a liability to building a stable life together.
There is also the fact that he will feel that all the love that happened before this was not genuine and mutual because you did not take the time apart to reflect, grow and put genuine effort into getting the relationship back on track.
Maybe you can take a look inside and start working on what originally motivated you to seek affection from another man while you were still in love. Regardless of how this works out you can take this experience and learn from it. You may even earn his trust and respect if you show the kind of character that he feels is missing in you right now.
Check out some individual and couples counseling maybe?
Best of luck!
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A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (24 October 2009):
 In this situation I think it's important for you to realize you can't always right a wrong, but you may be able to begin a new.
You're married, so lets take the term "slept with" and use "making love", since in a marriage that's the form sex often takes. So for some the act takes a much higher meaning when in a marriage, or committed relationship. It's a way of really learning the other person, from an intimate direction.
So when you're separated, and not intending on permanently ending it. When you slept with this other guy, you took the higher meaning of the act, and reduced it to nothing. Therefore, when your husband looks at it, it's normal for him to question and believe the love you claim to have for him is now reduced as well.
This is why I say you may not be able to repair, but you can start a new. It may not be the same, but can be built and meaningful through the new development. So, as I said before, you have to ask and answer questions to see from his view vs. what you desire. Why should he choose you? What do you have to offer that he'd want to be part of for years to come? Why should he believe, you'd be faithful to him, and over arguments not run to someone else for sexual comfort? Was what you did wrong, because you got caught, or because you truly believe you made the wrong choice?
I can possibly give some incite on how to proceed. But it'd be important to know more about what he says, and how he says it. People act and respond different. There is no one method to fix all. So, if you're interested in a direction, it's important to know not just your side, but a bit of what's creating his direction as well.
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A
female
reader, abc333  +, writes (22 October 2009):
i am so sorry to hear about your state but t has been done by you now and the only solution in case you are never evr going to repeat the mistake is to hide it from him and move on and if he knows abt it already then be as truthful as you can be with most aplogetic tone and talk to him .
means you surrender totally with all promises that it wont be repeated and you are fully repenting for it .
and ready to compensate in any manner for it may be he agrees .
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 October 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI know what I did was wrong and I feel terrible. I love this man. I don't know what to do. I want him in my life. He is all I ever think about. I don't know what to say to him other than that I am sorry. I know I did something very wrong. I want this relationship to work.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 October 2009): you committed adultery therfore he is upset. hey he is bloody pissed and who can blame him. you are still married so yes he has every right to be upset.
you say that you are seperated again....please do not go out and do it with someone else again. end your marriage completely if you just cannot be faithful, then you have the green light to screw who you want to.
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A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (12 October 2009):
Do you feel being separated, and not divorced, gives you the green light to sleep with someone else? What about in the position you're in now, where you want to reconcile? While you're married, sleeping with this other person, you're husband look at it as adultery. A violation of the marital bond.
How do you feel sleeping with this other guy? I ask this because if you write it off as "whatever, things happen" you're not going to have a chance with him. In order for this to work out, he's going to have to get to a position of being able to forgive. I look at it like this. You slept with someone, you gave up your right to your marriage by violating its terms, so if you're going to get back together, it's not about you, he needs to see reason or a benefit to remain in this marriage.
Not meaning to sound out of line, but you're going to have to sell yourself to him. Meaning, if you were there and there was a woman standing next to you that didn't sleep with someone else, and he had a choice between the two of you, what do you have to offer despite what had happened to give him reason to chose to be with you.
From a guys point of view. When you slept with the other guy, you took "yourself" what you gave to your husband as an expression of your live for him, and shared that with someone else. So, to get him back will not be an easy task. Be honest. Tell him how you feel. But do not place blame, such as "well we were separated." That's condoning it and he won't take you back if he feels you might do the same while together and make up an excuse to justify the act. So choose your words before speaking, and keep in mind, it's not about what you want, it's about what you have to offer.
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A
male
reader, GrimmReality +, writes (12 October 2009):
 Were you legally separated?
That may not mean anything in the large scope of things, but if my wife slept with someone else while separated and then tried to get me back, her ass would be sitting in the rain while I pursued my life.
Hey you made your choice,so either he will accept you back or not. Its not your decision now. Part of being an adult is taking responsibility for our decisions, and the consequences of those decisions.
I take it he didnt find out about it from you, or that he found out about it from your computer or from somebody else? If thats the case, he probably wont ever want you back.To him, its like you want to settle for him. And no self respecting man(unless they are a pussified doormat) would want to have the prospect of sloppy seconds from his wife
Guess you should ahve thought about that huh?
So my advice is that you should probably move on and let this man live his life free of you, because if you slept with somebody while separated, who's to say you haven't been cheating on him the whole time? It sure as hell would make me wonder.
BEST OF LUCK!!!
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A
female
reader, woman23 +, writes (12 October 2009):
 Well i believe that communication is the key to most things, so writting down how you see yourself with him in the future and telling him about it assuring him that he is the person you want to spend your life with. Letting him know that you are aware of your mistakes and his mistakes therefore avoiding them in the future, and telling him that if you guys do go back it only will make the realtionship stronger since you overcame this big obstacle that most likely little ones wont break you guys. Also letting him tell you what he is hurting about.
This talking ahould get you guys closer. Remember though, just to try to be open minded when he speaks and constantly putting your self in his shoes.
hope this helps:)
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