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female
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anonymous
writes: my husband of 10 years has just told me he has feelings for another woman who he works with but there is nothing in it and just feels comfortable being with her. It has left me devastated and hurt. Please someone give me some advice Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 August 2006): To me this is a really interesting question and set of answers because I could be the 'other woman'. Not in this exact case (I hope - that would be weird) but in another similar situation.........
I hang out with a guy from work more than probably necessary. He's married. It's never anything more than work, he's married and I respect that. If he wasn't married, then maybe it'd be more - who knows.
I do respect and admire your husband for being honest about the way he's feeling. I actually think the answer is for him to be honest with the other woman as well - in so much as telling her that he feels comfortable being with her, but that his focus is you, his wife. Most women with any integrity will accept that and know the boundary has been set - he's not available.
The other option is more difficult (and I think perhaps might be unpopular here) but you could try and meet her. Invite her and her other half over for dinner. Maybe you'd get on really well with her as well????
I really do think that the most important part of this is that your husband was honest with you - and with that you can move forward together - even though this is painful - if you can talk about the situation and what makes him feel that way, continuing to be honest with one another will be the secret of your success.
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female
reader, Helen1986  +, writes (22 August 2006):
 Hi there, I think that if you are feeling uncomfortable with your husbands friendship with this woman you should tell him. Tell him you love and care about him and you don't want to lose him, Reassure him that you trust him or he might be hurt for you suspecting him. ask him nicely to keep his distance from this woman as much as he can. Remind him of the good things that you have got together and that its too precious to lose. Make a point of turning the table round. How would he feel if you had a male friend that you felt this bond with? He will see it from your point of view and if he truly cares then he will back off from this other woman. good luck
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 August 2006): i agree with the post giving your husband some sort of credit here. of course, not justifying his feelings for another woman, but for his honesty. i know it must hurt you, and i know it must be extremely hard, but if anything else, at least you know he's willing to tell you the truth. and i don't think he's seeking anything out with anyone else. if he were doing that, i honestly believe he'd probably be doing it behind your back. to me, the fact that he told you signifies that he's trying to communicate that there is a problem that he wants the two of you to fix. i just think it's his way of trying to patch things up with you and call to your attention how serious they are. good luck, and i'm sorry.
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reader, bonym +, writes (21 August 2006):
 Yeah I agree with Dr P on this one. My dear you have every right to be devastated, I think you need to sit down with your hubbie and tell him to put all the cards on the table and explain what is going on in his head. Please keep us posted. Take care. xXx
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 August 2006): Well even so, it was still wrong and I do have to say I commend the Boi for having come to his wife first.
This shows he still feels commited and may just want to wake her up and she is still his friend and wife and so she should be willing to say...okay...thank you for telling me and what can we do about this?
It can be sorted out. It needs to be discussed fully. She needs to take responsibility for her side of things; why would he become attracted to another woman? What is the homelife like? What is the sexlife like?
Counseling would be a great help to them both.
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female
reader, hannieseds  +, writes (21 August 2006):
 True true Malyce - I see what you're saying now. But we don't really know the full deal here. We have no idea if this attraction occured while they just worked together during normal office hours, or if there were late nights spent alone doing 'work' or actual work in the office.
What a complete jerk if there was alone time that they spent together when he obviously knew there was an attraction there, but no so much if it was completely innocent and an attraction occured while working together 9-5 type-thing.
We are human beings and we can't help who catches our eye and no matter how much we want to believe it doesn't happen, it does. We all want to believe that 10 years of pure love with someone you have built your life with will always stay that way, but sometimes situations change and people enter our lives and we have absolutely no idea how we will react to them.
You are right though Malyce - he DID have a choice. Right at the word go when he felt something more for his work-mate he should have removed himself from that situation. No matter if he did feel something for her, as human beings sometimes do for other human beings, he should have been thinking of the implications to his wife and family if these feelings were to have developed.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 August 2006): No I am not saying that. I am saying that if it was after hours related and the two of them on their own...NOT GOOD.
I am saying that Husband had the choice all along to say this isn't going to happen, I am not going to fall for this woman...I am not going to be alone with her.
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female
reader, hannieseds +, writes (21 August 2006):
I totally disagree with Malyce as he works with this woman, so of course he didn't 'seek it out' as she is saying. Are you saying Malyce that no man on this earth should work with women? This is absurd and totally skirting around the actual issue.
I agree that if her husband found he started to get attracted to her when he first started working there, then yes of course he should have had a re-think about if he was in danger of developing feelings for her and probably should have sought a new job without that new temptation. But to say that he sought it out when all he was doing was his job, is very unfair to him.
I am not in any way condoning what he has done, which is to make you feel hurt and betrayed and untrusting. That is a terrible thing for your husband of 10 years to make you feel, but he did express his feelings to you about this which shows he doesn't want to keep things from you - he was being honest, but I know that doesn't make the hurt any less.
When he said he was comfortable with her and had 'feelings', was he just meaning that there was a distant attraction? When he told you there was 'nothing in it', did he mean he likes her but as a friend/work mate?
I do agree with part of Malyce's post that councelling might have to be seriously considered, depending on what happens now. Have you talked to him further about this and what he meant by it all?
Please let us know how you go and if we can help anymore xxx
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 August 2006): I don't understand why countless people time and again allow themselves to be put in a position to be spending time with the opposite sex and thus creating an oppurtunity to creat feelings of bonding????
It sounds like your husband sought this.
There is something in it as he has told you he is attracted to some other woman who is not his wife.
I say head to counseling. Talk it out there. Address it there. This way you have a third party to help you both sort out and work out issues.
I say tell him that he should no longer be at work with another woman who is not you.
Tell him you never expected him to be unfaithful and now you are worried he will cheat on you even more.
Tell him you want marriage counseling FIRST.
I am thinking this can be fixed if you both are willing to work on it.
It sounds like he has decided he was "unhappy" in the marriage and instead of thinking... how can I be happy again and what can I do to make our marriage spark come back...he decided to be lazy and just hang with another woman.
I hope this gets sorted out and fast.
*hugs*
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 August 2006): Sorry but that doesn't add up. Why would someone confess to having "feelings" for someone but then justify it by saying there's nothing in it!
You are right to feel devistated and hurt. I think if you play with fire, you're going to get burnt and this may happen if your husband continues seeing her.
On a plus side, your husband was right to come to you and tell you how he felt. Judging by this website there are plenty of men who would have kept it from you!
I'm sure you can get things back on track - just be aware of him emotionally distancing himself from you, because that would be a clear sign something is wrong.
Good luck!
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reader, Juliette +, writes (21 August 2006):
 I am not trying to blame you as I do not know you, but the very fact he has told you could be he wants you to help him to stop by looking at why he needs the 'comfortableness' with someone at work. He is obviously seeing the danger himself and it is a credit to him to tell you his feelings. Perhaps, without being cross, you could listen carefully to how he feels and see what you both can offer to improve your relationship that will bring you closer.
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