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*om-Tenn
writes: I am a gay male and have been in a committed relationship for the last 9 years. Even though I knew deep inside, my boyfriend just confirmed that he no longer feels the same love for me. He says we have grown apart and only considers me his best friend. He wants me in his life and is claiming he is not interested in looking for another relationship either emotionally or sexually. I still love him and want a complete relationship. He has even gone as far as to say that I am welcome to see other people because I deserve to be happy. Here's the problem. We are connected financially (and emotionally) so much that we simply cannot split up (house, cars, dog, etc..). How in the world can I move on if we are still together everyday and still doing all of the things that a married couple does? And, we still enjoy each others company and love being together. It almost like we have a non-sexual marriage. We have basically been living like this for a couple of years, but to actually hear his feelings has left me devastated. Physically separating really is not an option, so how can I move on? Thanks in advance for any advice,Tom
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 September 2006): I see no justification for him chatting to lots of guys on the net for long periods. I know that if myself or my bf did that the other would be very uncomfortable with it. Wanting you in every way but a sexual way seems a bit unfair of him. If he wants you then why can't he have sex with you? Sounds very unreasonable. Your second message sounds like you are trying to justify his bad behaviour.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 August 2006): Hi Tom,
Having read your problem with great interest, I feel that it is you who seems to value this relationship as being one.
If your partner makes a sweeping statement of offering you to see other people outside the relationship, I feel that it may have something to do with his guilt about his affair 4 years ago.
By giving you the option to have an 'affair' as well, would be giving him ammunition to hold it against you somewhere down the line, and it would make you no better or worse than him.
I do agree with the previous posters to seek counselling, but of course he will have to agree to that as well, otherwise you'll be wasting your time trying to fix the problem, which he may have no interest in to repair.
But if all else fails I do think you'd be well advised to review your options (legally) to stop you from getting hurt furthermore.
I hope he'll see sense, but somehow I can't help thinking that you are the one trying so hard and he just has no interest in this relationship any more.
I wish you well and hope it all works out to the better.
Wolf
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reader, Tom-Tenn +, writes (22 August 2006):
Tom-Tenn is verified as being by the original poster of the questionUPDATE: Thank you so much for the advice. I wanted to give more info so you can really see the problem. Nothing has changed in the way we live. We hug and kiss (peck) when I come home from work (he does not work at the moment snce we just moved), we sit next to each other when watching movies, go everywhere together and enjoy it just like a married couple. But, we have not had sexual relations in several years. We have had separate bedrooms every since we moved in together 9 years ago mainly for space and convenience. He still does climb in my bed occasionally and we sleep together (nothing sexual). We still tickle each other and laugh, so nothing has really changed. Here's the kicker...he admitted having an affair 4 years ago that lasted several months. He ended it and said he has been feeling guilty ever since. He did admit everything and every details several weeks ago and says that was the only time it ever happened. This is what prompted our discussion of his/my feelings. He admits to having flirty chatting online, but swears that being involved sexually or emotionally with someone else is not the intention. Neither of us want to separate and live apart and I certainly do not want to end up in an open relationship. He claims he needs to be completely alone as far as a romantic relationship, but wants everything else we share in a deep frind relationship. He basically says that a sexual relationship with anyone is simply not on his ajenda now nor forsees it in the future. Since we have been living like this for so long, I do not see a real change, except for the fact that I know his true feelings. He is chatting to many different guys online for long periods of time. I know it sounds obvious that he wants to pursue other interests, but I really believe him when he says it is only to build a social life. IMPORTANT: We just moved to Georgia from the West coast and know absolutely nobody, so we are very much alone except for each other. It is possible that he simply needs a group of friends that will eventually strengthen our relationship? I do know his online "chatting" turns sexual at times and he admits it. But he says that allows him to simply click them off when it goes too deep. I don't think he is being sneaky and pretty much tells me everything. Sooo now what?
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female
reader, Tine  +, writes (21 August 2006):
 i think that being in a long term relationship, like you have, both people within it have to keep the spirit alive in order to survive. having said that you have went for a couple of years now without that physical side of being together then it makes it easier to grow apart. Have you not tried getting together and doing things together, like you used to. You need to spice up the relationship and cling onto what evers is left. This way by doing things that couples do, will regain any feelings that you both once had. You need to go to conselling or to see someone who can help you rebuild your relationship and help you avoid breaking up otherwise you'll be more than devastated.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 August 2006): Was marriage/couple's counseling ever discussed as an alternative BEFORE calling it off?
Why would he say it is okay for you to go out and find someone and not him?
Sounds like he wants you to step out of the relationship so that he can get everything.
Sounds suspicious and like a trap so avoid that.
Get the counseling and with that maybe see a lawyer about what steps to take so that you can both divide assests equally.
Good luck.
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