A
female
age
36-40,
*has_8734
writes:My husband and I have only been married a month, but porn has been an issue since the start of our relationship. Every time I leave, after I go to bed, or get in the shower, he immediately jumps on porn sites. It blows my mind. I addressed him about it and the only thing it accomplished was him deleting his history. Being all pyscho-ish... I put a keylogger on his computer. He swore on our family (we have an 8 month old) that he would never look at any again because I am very against it. (I am one of those women that see it as cheating and adultry.) He didn't really stop. A year later he is still looking at porn. Not as much as he was, but none the less is still looking at it. For a while I convinced myself he had stopped and wouldn't do it anymore... but I decided to check his computer again and there it is... deleted from history but in the keylogger. I confronted him again and he says that it isn't me, its a personal problem and that he cant stop. I have never heard of someone that cant stop.If it wasnt for the sake of my child, I would leave. I feel like I should have left when all this first started. I need advice. what should I do? I dont want to leave him because I love him but at the same time I am not going to be with someone that looks at porn. ADVICE? please?????
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 August 2010): (there are several anons posting here)
"why don't you watch pornography which has a story and shows sex being done gently..."
I don't know what your guys tell you, but this is not the kind of porn the majority of men watch. Maybe this is kind of porn they watch with their girlfriend, but this is most definitely not the kind most watch on their own. Not all watch the really sexist kind, but since the majority of porn is that kind, the majority of men watch it.
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female
reader, gray264 +, writes (7 August 2010):
 I'm in the same boat. As soon as me and my husband moved into our new home after we were married, the porn started. I used to throw fits about it, but that never stopped him. I'm starting to see that this is a common problem with men. I've read somewhere that it can be an addiction, and, I'm assuming, that as with any other addiction, yelling and being mean about it just makes it worse. It's hard not to, I know. But I hope you and your husband work it out.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 August 2010): All i can say is that excessive porn use is destructive to a marriage....point in fact is if the husband uses porn as an escape or to get hot when looking at his wife no longer makes him that way. When marriages fall apart because the husband would rather live a fantasy.... then they really have no one else to blame.
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reader, Miamine  +, writes (7 August 2010):
 "The most intense pleasure comes from the head of the penis, therefore deep throating is nothing more than an image created for porn and it is more about control and power than actual pleasure" (female anon 3rd august)
Excuse me, but 99% of sex happens in the brain... sexual organs are only one part of the whole experience.. as to biology... are there no muscles in the throat that the penis can feel... since your the expert, I'm sure you can clear up me difficulties.
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reader, Miamine +, writes (7 August 2010):
Reader anonymous (4th august)
Your latest post is very interesting.. yes you are right.. a lot of our current pornography is bad.. yes, a lot of pornography shows women "taking it all and still smiling", but there is a hell of a lot of pornography out there, lots of different types.. from soft stuff with a woman using her finger and no close ups, to gangbanging, whipping and degredation... there is also a lot of what I call "loving pornography", mostly done by amatures, and shows more kissing and touching, and less gentials because they can't move the camera.
I'm worried sometimes that the anti-pornography people are destroying their brains watching too much misyognistic anti-women, violent porn.. why don't you watch pornography which has a story and shows sex being done gently...
"most call the women whores, sluts, cunts, etc... and most involve some element of throat f*cking, fairly brutal anal sex,"
Not true... not true at all.... there is about 200years of pornographic material and there are all types... yes I've seen porn where women are called names, but the majority of pornography I watch has bad music, and women usually just go "mmmmmmmm"... again, why do you watch such hatefull stuff if you don't like it..
That's a certain form of pornography, you see such things because this is what you like... most stuff I watch has very little talking involved, the people are kinda of "too busy to talk".. lol
You are very right.. there is too much violence in a large number of pornographic films.. I don't want this changed, some people like it.. but in the 1970's the industry was trying to make more classy stuff,they were trying to break into the commerical market and show their stuff at movie theatres...
The anti-pornography brigade are the cause of the current pornography you see now. They got it banned from Theatre houses, they shut down the places where pornographic films get made.... the tried to ban pornography...
What happened.. pornography didn't shut down, but no more movie houses, no more big budgets, no more script writers.. It went under ground, and went straight to video. Thus it's cheap, nasty and concentrates mostly on what pays big bucks.. the most extreme hard core stuff...
Pornography is crap because of the actions of the anti-pornography people who interfered with how it was attempting to operate... watch pornography from the 1970's.. you will see differences in the amount of money spent on sex scenes...
When you ban something, it dosen't disappear, it just goes underground and becomes more evil in it's effects.. same thing happened with alcohol and is currently happening with drugs... we have more drug addicts than existed before drug laws came in...
We need better pornography, but that won't happen as long as the industry is forced to remain hidden.
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reader, Miamine +, writes (7 August 2010):
"Miamine, it is clear you don't know how to give a bj from your statement.."
lol.. no point arguing with a fool, that will only make me look as silly as you...
Most guys say that I'm "proffessional".. aint had no complaints... me best technique can bring a guy to climax within 10seconds.. hahahaha.. that always leaves them crying and astounded..
But what do I know.. I'm sure your right and them guys were using fake sperm.. lol..... hahahahaha.. rofl
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 August 2010): You say through porn you learned that women can enjoy sex and that not all sex is rape, but the message that most common porn mostly sends is that women should love everything a man can do to them and that the more degrading and painful the more she wants it. A lot of guys say, oh but that's not the kind of porn I watch, I wouldn't watch that violent stuff. But almost all porn has some element of it, most call the women whores, sluts, cunts, etc... and most involve some element of throat f*cking, fairly brutal anal sex, and almost all wind up with her covered in semen. Nowadays really brutal stuff is commonplace, like double anal, oral that makes her cry and sometimes vomit, gang bangs, anal to oral, and making her drink cups of semen belonging to several men. Am I saying these things are all bad? No, if that's what the woman wants, more power to her. But porn sends the message that ALL women want this, all women are whores, and that all women's needs are met by pleasing men. Most porn today is not about sex at all. It's ALL about submission and man-pleasing. The only examples of anything about the woman are what she's moaning and saying (which can be about anything from the man cumming on her face to being penetrated in absolutely every hole to being called a cunt and whore) and the occasional 10 seconds (if that) of oral sex on her, which isn't intended to please her. It's just a way to show a close up of a vagina. The only thing that most porn can teach is a how-to manual to be a sex doll for men. As far as I'm concerned hardcore porn (what like 80-90% of porn today is) has no benefits for anyone involved whatsoever.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 August 2010): Miamine, it is clear you don't know how to give a bj from your statement. The most intense pleasure comes from the head of the penis, therefore deep throating is nothing more than an image created for porn and it is more about control and power than actual pleasure - so I refute your claim that you learnt how to give a great bj through porn -it is fantasy sweetheart, nothing more. By the way, I give outstanding bj's and I DIDN'T learn that through porn!!
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reader, Miamine +, writes (29 July 2010):
Nearly missed your question...
What did I learn durring watching porn...
Well, I learnt how to deep throat and give brilliant blow jobs..
I also learnt that women can enjoy sex and it's not always a case of rape...
Is it so hard to believe that millions of people arround the world do not think like you and can enjoy pornography safely and do themselves no harm...
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 July 2010): I'm with female anon on this one. What she has written is a sure fire indication of the affect porn can have on a relationship. I'm mystified by people who say they have learned a lot from porn - please list what you have learned and how it has helped? How can the objectification of a loving act be good? I don't want my relationship adulturated by porn. I don't want my man wanking over other females, I mean really think about that. What if he had pictures of a good friend that you knew - would that still be OK? I had the same experience with female anon. When we had porn in our relationship, it was more like a barrier than something that brought us together. We even watched it a few times together, until he became more interested in the screen that the person lying next to him, i.e. ME! Our sex lives became robotic, the emotion had gone. He would eye women up and down when we were out, again in a very sexual way; an admiring glance at their arse! When I pulled him up on it, he'd just say "oh, sorry", but clearly all that viewing of porn had made him objectify women. The women weren't particularly attractive either! I'd had enough and then came the ultimatum. We even split up for 3 weeks. But he is back now and our sex life has improved because porn is no longer a part of it. There's more emotion involved when we make love and I can see desire in his eyes for me, which was lacking when he watched porn. His desire was somewhere else! Also very scary but just watched the sex education show and pornography (in England) where the school children were shown 5 normal women naked; the boys and the girls were horrified because their so called sex edcuation has been via the medium of internet porn, and the real live women looked NOTHING like the women in porn and they all rated the women as having something wrong with their bodies, when in fact they were perfectly normal - I find that staggeringly scary!!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 July 2010): Actually the point I was trying to make was to me it wasn't any kind of problem. I thought it was helping me in bed, it was fun, I thought it was great and had no negative impacts on me whatsoever and that people who had problems with it were kind of prude or something or just didn't understand. I didn't realize anything was wrong really until I took a good look back after stopping. But something truly was off, looking back. I was just like all the pro-porn people on here, saying all the same things, convinced of the same things. It didn't affect me differently than other people, from those I've talked to who either use currently or have stopped.
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reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (21 July 2010):
 "Porn" is is the eye of the beholder. Some Stupid politican said once. " I can't define porn but I'll know it if I see it!" "porn " is different things to different folks. Some cultures think holding hands is a horrible thing...Go figure? Your man is enjoying himself I'd say eith join in or cry in your pillow 'cause it isn't going to go away. A guy can fantasize porn with his eyes closed...you'll never know1
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reader, Starmonster888 +, writes (21 July 2010):
 If a girlfriend ever denied me my time alone will Lacey Duvalle, I'd probably die a little inside...just thought I should add that.
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reader, Miamine +, writes (21 July 2010):
However you are right ms anon when you say, there really needs to be more female friendly pornography... the current state of the selection out there is really pretty bad... I prefer the older pornographic material myself.. :)
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reader, Miamine +, writes (21 July 2010):
"Because until you've lived it and stopped, you don't realize what it actually did to your brain. It's not harmless. You won't realize how not harmless it is until you stop."
This is your experience... I have used and enjoyed pornography in the past. But I never have fantasies about other men when I am having sex with someone else.. It's not harmless to you, and it changed your behaviour in ways you did not like..
But I love all erotica, pornography is only part of that... yes I have learnt things through pornography and it made my sexual behaviour even better than ever and made my sex life something of joy. It has also given me tons of confidence in my own body and made me appreciate being a woman with woman bits...
Yes it may harm you and others, that is your experience.. Mine is different. Pornography allowed me and my partner to become adventurous in sex, honest and communicative about what we like sexually and what we do not like.. I don't need anti-sex feminist to tell me what I think. I have had no problems at all with viewing any type of erotic material, it has been a benefit to me, and also to the other women who I recommended it to. Many women I know have been damaged by religion or mother's who have made them afraid of sex. I have also known women who have suffered rape and sexual abuse, or who have been brainwashed into thinking that sex is bad. I have used pornography with them to overcome a lot of barriers and help them reclaim their sexual power and begin to have control of their own sexual passion..
Sorry that your experiences with pornography have been bad, but as I said, I haven't had such problems myself.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 July 2010): Just to add, I stopped one because it was hurting him and making him less fun in bed (really) and two because I read some books on the subject. I talked to some anti-porn feminists and actually became convinced that my totally harmless fun was in fact harmful. I did all the same things you hear about these guys doing. Once my partner expressed he didn't like it I would do it secretly (not often, but occasionally). I would tell him he was being really insecure and jealous and call him a control freak. I would dismiss him and feel angry at him. Once the realization came about I actually realized that things I had been totally blase about and dismissed were in fact happening despite my insistance to myself they weren't. I realized I did actually have a little porn reel in my head that I used with my partner and as I orgasmed it wasn't him I was thinking about, it was the porn! I honestly hadn't even thought about it before. I also realized I had begun to think about men much more sexually than I used to before porn. I now started mentally undressing men in my head, imagining them doing sexual things and just more blatantly checking them out. I had even been sitting there wishing my partner had better this or that. I was also asking him to do things he was uncomfortable with more, and I hadn't even realized I was doing anything different. It was actually somewhat difficult to stop. I didn't want to, I resented my partner and for awhile and sex took a noticeable downhill turn for a bit. Was I addicted? No, I really was just a casual user, maybe once a week, usually less. It wasn't painful to stop, it was just annoying to stop something I liked for someone else. But what I didn't think about was how powerful a thing an orgasm is. This isn't like anything else. An orgasm is incredibly powerful. If you're orgasming you're training yourself what you should be turned on by. It's like training a dog with a cookie. It actually became difficult for me to become aroused without thinking about porn. I had always thought that was normal. After awhile though I started to retrain myself on my partner and had MUCH better sex, stronger orgasms and my feelings towards my partner were stronger. That's why I'm now so passionately against this. Because until you've lived it and stopped, you don't realize what it actually did to your brain. It's not harmless. You won't realize how not harmless it is until you stop.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 July 2010): You see here is where you are mistaken, I used to be an AVID porn watcher. I had favorite stars, lists of favorite movies, and me and my friends used to sit around and watch and laugh about it.
"Ahem, BULL$HIT! Find me all the posts on this forum from all the men who are disappointed with their female partners for looking at too much porn. Here's a hint - there are none!"
And you have no right whatsoever to say it's bullshit that women aren't as turned on, we are. We definitely 100% are. Women now watch too. We just generally don't get turned on watching other women be hurt and degraded. There's not much out there for us and it's very hard to find. Do you know why I stopped watching? Because my MALE partner told me it hurt him to think of me getting off to other men. There's something else, a gay man just posted on this very subject within the last 24 hours (yes, man). Do you know why there aren't as many women? I covered this already, but just to reiterate there isn't nearly as much stuff out there for women. If there was more porn for women, there would be more men struggling with this.
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reader, Miamine +, writes (20 July 2010):
"Find me all the posts on this forum from all the men who are disappointed with their female partners for looking at too much porn. Here's a hint - there are none!" (male anon)
Actually male anon, there was one single post (in all the years I been here) from a guy who felt upset when his girlfriend watch pornography.. said it hurt his heart.. but he had no wish to stop her, he just wanted to understand his feelings of abandoment, inadequacy and jealousy.
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reader, Miamine +, writes (20 July 2010):
When will people realise that... WOMEN WATCH PORNOGRAPHY TOO!!! Not all of us feel crushed and humilated, please speak for yourself only anon...
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 July 2010): // But it's not natural to have thousands of them catering to your every whim only a mouse click away, waiting for you to masturbate to them. //
Listen, you're wrong. They are not catering to my every whim, they are having sex in a movie studio with some guy who has a 10 inch dick. If I wanted a woman (other than my wife) to cater to me I would cheat, get a prostitute.
You're clearly convinced, but I have gone out of my way to describe why men look at porn. You don't believe me or the other males, we're all lying and justifying.
// Also women are just as turned on by visuals. So that doesn't work.//
Ahem, BULL$HIT! Find me all the posts on this forum from all the men who are disappointed with their female partners for looking at too much porn. Here's a hint - there are none!
Like I have said, I understand that your feelings are real about it, and you must understand that his feelings, and mine (I've taken the time to tell you exactly how I feel about porn, below) are JUST as legitimate.
This is not an easy situation for you or him but it won't get any easier if you are determined to demonize him and his behavior.
Porn is NOT cheating, and masturbation is NOT cheating, and I'd go so far as to say it's NONE of your business, actually, any more than it would be, as I've made the point several times with no response, if he tried to tell you you should NEVER rub your own clit because it makes him feel insecure. It's not a stretched analogy, it's a direct example. You wouldn't want the man in your life criticizing you for your masturbation, give him a break about his.
Perhaps you are transferring your overall dissatisfaction with your man into hatred for this issue because it makes an easy scape-goat. You can't bring yourself to admit you don't love him for some other reason, he just doesn't live up to your expectations, so you'll use this issue to destroy your marriage.
It's quite a sad situation. You need to take the target off him and focus on the positive things about your relationship. I know I'm getting a little confrontational now but many males here have repeatedly told you how they feel and those of you who are anti-porn have continually rejected their perspective.
I happen to know a woman who got divorced over this very same issue. Guess what? She's now twice divorced, and a single mother. Tragedy.
If your husband or partner is otherwise fulfilling you, then you are wasting your marriage being hung up on this issue. If it's about overall marital dissatisfaction, stop demonizing his porn habits just because you DON'T clearly understand the male perspective. Yes, we DO crave visual stimulation when we masturbate - which we do almost every day - end of story.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 July 2010): "women will never ever understand" Actually, we understand perfectly. That's why it is so unbelievably humiliating and crushing. It's not some harmless "guy thing." To say your brain isn't affecting by visuals is ridiculous. That would be like saying advertisements and commercials don't effect anything. And you're not even orgasming to them, which is such a positive reinforcer you wouldn't believe. So many guys who defend porn like it's their mother don't even realize how it's effecting them. They claim it has no bearing whatsoever on how they view women, then will make some really sexist mean comment about their girlfriend. And they never used to make comments like that. The scary thing is they have NO idea it's happening. It robs them of their own relationship happiness (yes it hurts the men too in the loss of intimacy), and they have no idea it's happening. It's really easy to say "oh but it's natural. It's a guy thing. You can't understand." But that's just a cop out. It's not natural. It's natural to want to see naked women. But it's not natural to have thousands of them catering to your every whim only a mouse click away, waiting for you to masturbate to them. Also women are just as turned on by visuals. So that doesn't work. So many guys are willing to give up TONS of other things and offer to change a lot, but then this porn issue comes up and they get so unbelievably defensive and cruel. I think it's because when the thought of parting with porn comes, it's like trying to separate from your other woman.
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reader, devastated housewife +, writes (20 July 2010):
i feel the same way and am sorry you're going through it too. it can destroy your whole life and self image. i hope it works out for you.... and me.
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reader, olderthandirt +, writes (19 July 2010):
I'm afraid I wouldn't be much help in this catagory since I don't see a problem with porn. To me it's a "guy thing" that women will never ever understand so I pretty well guess you two will break apart Or you'll learn to live with it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 July 2010): Perhaps you could schedule dates, buy some sexy underwear, learn how to do a striptease, things like that. If you want your hubby to stop looking at porn I think it's only fair that you step in and try and help rather than forcing him to just go cold turkey with no compromise or sacrifice on your part. Maybe he thinks you're not very interested in sex? I don't know. But I'm sure you could easily start to try and distract him and make him realise that there are better things to do than go searching on a laptop.
Good luck! I really hope you work this one out. I know the keylogger seems a bit psycho except for the fact that I know what it is like when you have trust issues (my ex was cheating however, not looking at porn), and you sometimes do things you later regret trying to work out what's going on. I'm sure if you BOTH compromise then you can work it out, and that will be the best for all of you, especially your baby, who is the biggest responsibility.
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reader, Oregongrl1 +, writes (18 July 2010):
You asked and i was only speaking my mind on the subject! and its true you know what they say when you try to change them later on in your relationship! its like you knew i liked that when you married me. and thats what they throw in your face. or tic for tac? but we all do have habits of trying to change someone in one way or another after we been together for awhile what didn't bother us before bothers us now! i guess we change w/ time and maybe now its also because we are basicly w/ them 24/7 so it becomes more noticed? or do we just read into it better now that the fire works aren't in the way!
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reader, Miamine +, writes (18 July 2010):
mmm.. five or six times a day... yes I can see now why you and him believe he may have had an addiction.. that seems very excessive.
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reader, Miamine +, writes (18 July 2010):
I'm actually pro-pornography, but that's me.. You can't force a man to stop, but their is no reason why should like it. You control your life, and for you this is a deal breaker...
I am glad however that your willing to compromise and are also willing to remain calm and think things through.
A man cannot be forced to give up pornography, but he can CHOOSE to stop, and if the woman is understanding enough, in time, with work, pornography dosen't have to remain in the relationship.
What you have done, is stick to your views and values, but in such a way that it is possible for him and you to find realistic solutions that actually might work to solve the problem...
I wish him and you good luck.
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reader, chas_8734 +, writes (18 July 2010):
chas_8734 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionperson12345 and Miamine...
both of your advice is very helpful. instead of immediately calling me a psycho control freak, like most responders did, you understood my morals and point of view. and your advice was really helpful.
we are trying the porn blocker... but if there is will there is a way... but the hard he has to work to get to it, the more time he has to think about what he is doing... you know?
he understands my point and is willing to make the changes. i mean ending a family over this is crazy. he has made changes, even since the first time but it comes up every now and then again. but its no where near what it was. like once or twice a month now maybe... which is much better than what it used to be.... 5-6 times a day....
now that more of the anger is out of me... my thoughts are a lot easier to sort through.
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reader, Miamine +, writes (18 July 2010):
Exactly person12345 (no 6) that's what I was trying to say.. your way was much better though.
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reader, person12345 +, writes (18 July 2010):
 Just to add to what Miamine has said: It sounds like you guys are off to a good start. Some things to think about, porn is an INCREDIBLY difficult habit to break. Even if he's not what you'd classify as addicted, he's habitual. You should treat this like a drug addict. Expect relapses occasionally. If he's making progress but slips up once, you shouldn't immediately leave (if he truly is making progress). Another thing is, if you expect him to give up porn, you should be willing to "sacrifice" by being more sexually available. This means if he's REALLY horny but you don't want to have sex, you should be more willing to please him selflessly.
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reader, Miamine +, writes (18 July 2010):
Ok, more clarification and a very good compromise... you will allow pornography sometimes if it's something you do together..
He has agreed that he is too dependant on pornography.
Can you ask him to come to you when he feels randy and you get him of instead.. Or maybe some sexy pictures of you will take the place of these video girls.
He can also try npsupport which is anti-pornography and is made for women and men who want to work together to remove pornography from their lives. http://npsupport.net/community/
The problem is of course, he will probably look at pornography again, and like an alcoholic, if you get upset and angry because he finds it difficult to keep his promise then he feel discouraged and feel that there's no point even trying to cut down.
If you continue to snoop and check on him, your relationship will lack trust and no matter what he says you will always been questioning and checking up on him.
Most people look at pornography more if they are stressed. You two fighting about the issue makes pornography take a bigger place in your relationship than it deserves. When the relationship is strained, people turn away from the relationship and towards outside things (pornography) which offers them non-judgemental comfort.
A lot of the time people give up looking at pornography when they have other interests to take it's place or they just get bored of it. On the whole, most modern pornography is very, very borring.
Being forbidden and not allowed to do something you enjoy makes you feel controlled, resentfull and imprisoned.
Yes he may hide his pornography use and he may continue to lie about it. But this is what happens when you try to control someone and determine what they should like and be allowed to see.
If your aware of all of these issues and are willing to stay then you two may be able to solve your problems. Otherwise, you are very right, divorce may be the only way, pity really to deprive your child of a family life.
PS: Pornography is very popular with men. You may find your next partner likes it too and you will have to deal with a similar situation.. Think carefully about the whole issue, then go and have a real important talk with your husband.
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reader, chas_8734 +, writes (18 July 2010):
chas_8734 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionporn needs to be out the picture totally. i will not sacrifice on this. i told him that he if needs to then we could watch it together sometimes... but he says "thats like giving a crack head crack and saying its okay sometimes". i will not ever be okay with porn in my marriage, i told him if it doesnt stop i will walk. It may be controlling but it is what it is. he agrees. now its time to wait and see if its really going to stop or if hes just going to get better at hiding it...
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reader, Miamine +, writes (18 July 2010):
Does your husband usually look at pornography at nights? It may be that he has trained himself to look at porn to be able to destress and relax and be able to go to sleep.
This is a habit that he will be able to break with your help.
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reader, Miamine +, writes (18 July 2010):
Ok, thanks for your clarification..
Now we are left with a woman who feels pornography shouldn't be a part of her marriage, and a husband who agrees that his pornography use is too frequent..
Dear Poster, is that something we can agree on and put masterbation aside.
If it's just that his usage is too much, will you except that he looks at pornography sometimes, but much less for it to become an issue and make you upset.
Or is pornography to be banned from his life, whether he looks at home or outside the house?
Trying to find some compromise here on what he might be able to do, and you might be able to stand.
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (18 July 2010):
 No submission will be accepted that will 'hijack' an OP's thread. If this happens, your comments will be taken off the thread. Stay on topic
No submissions are accepted that could cause flame wars. We ask all posters to display a mature restraint-do not bait, embarass nor publicly humiliate the questioner and other responders on the threads.
http://www.dearcupid.org/pages/answer-guidelines.html
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reader, chas_8734 +, writes (17 July 2010):
chas_8734 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI dont mind the masturbation. I mind the porn. a man has got to get off, I understand that... what I don't understand is the need to stare at other women's private parts in order to achieve this.
I got pregnant two weeks into our relationship - we were strangers. yes this is bad, but if I would have waited until I found out about him then it would have never happened. Its unacceptable. But could've should've would've.... that's over now.
its not just me that sees it as a problem... he does too. sneaking out of the bed at 2 am... carrying your laptop in the bathroom and then coming back to bed heavy breathing... thats a problem. especially considering that he didn't bother to ask me if i was in the mood before continuing to do so.
he says he can't stop but wants to... this doesnt make me controlling. the keylogger was out of line... but that wasnt installed until after i found porn on his computer history or left open on his ipod or laptop screen. i found it by accident at first, not because of looking for it. the keylogger was put on when he started deleting his history... and swearing "on the life of his child" he had stopped.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 July 2010): Surely the only issue here is the OP's insecurities/misplaced jealousy. It doesn't sound like he is looking at porn when she is around but when she's in bed/shower whatever. It doesn't sound like he'd rather look at porn than be with her. But yet she still can't let it lie, to the extent that she's used a keylogger.....I find that a bit scary. You are trying to keep tabs on him even though he isn't doing anything wrong (except in your eyes) and even when you aren't around. It sounds like the OP is surely making a mountain out of a molehill....and is prepared to break up the family because of it. Poor child. You may not like porn but it really sounds like YOU are the one obsessing over it, not your husband. You are making yourself paranoid over it. Have you thought about counselling? Or do you just want to control you husband's behaviour without thinking about his feelings.
If porn has been a problem for a while, and you are so against it, could you explain to us why you have had a baby with this man, and why you are married.
If you say you cannot be with someone who likes porn, and it has alway be a problem, I am mysitifed as to why you slept with him in the first place. Presumably you knew about the porn before you got pregnant, and yet even though you don't like the porn, you still slept with him? This is what I don't understand. Surely now you have a child your responsibility is to bring up the baby in the best way possible, and your porn problems, which you were seemingly happy enough to put to one side before, should not be a priority.
If you feel the need to check up on what your husband looks at on the computer that really flags up BIG control issues which you need to address.
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reader, Miamine +, writes (17 July 2010):
Back to you original poster..
You have been truthfull about the way you feel, for you pornography is the same as adultry.. That's the way you feel and it's as valid as any other opinion..
Here's a post where I outline some of the things that you and your partner could do to try to solve the problem of differences in opinion about pornography..
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/please-help-me--after-discovering-his-porn.html
I hope you will try some of the suggestions before you take your child from it's father and become a single parent.
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reader, Miamine +, writes (17 July 2010):
The lady hates ALL PORNOGRAPHY, so any pornography use will look excessive to her.. Nowhere in her post does she mention the word addiction, and as far as I know he hasn't been seen by a doctor for pornography addiction, and it does not seem to interfer enough with his life for him to be classed as anti-social.
The man has been able to arrange a wedding and get married. If he had a pornography addiction he wouldn't be able to get out of the house to meet a woman and arrange such things.
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reader, Miamine +, writes (17 July 2010):
Everyone is entitled to their opinions, but surely a challenge is needed when people put words into the Original posters mouth.
The woman mentioned issues arround pornography.. She didn't say anything about disliking masturbation. Your projection of your dislike for masterbation does her a diservice. Untill you know whether she masterbates or not, or has any problem with it, it is best to keep your dislike of the issue to yourself.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 July 2010): I think you are right not to split your family up over your own insecurity/dislike. This basically boils down to your child growing up in a broken family because you don't like porn. To me that seems extremely selfish and would have massive effect on your child just for your own reasons so I am glad your are choosing not to inflict this on your child.
You say that your husband won't stop watching porn for the sake of his marriage. Why should he? The child is just as much his as yours. Does the porn effect the child? I wouldn't think so. Does the porn effect the marrige? Ie. does he not want to have sex with you and would rather look at porn? You haven't mentioned that to us, but it is an important issue.
Do you give your husband enough sex to satisfy his needs?
This may have something to do with it.
You knew about this before you were married. I know he shouldn'thave lied, that is bad, but I also think the keylogger is just as dishonest. You don't like porn, but I don't understand why you think you should therefore be able to stop your husband looking at it as well. How would you feel if he forced you to watch porn? You would hate it. But why do you think you can impose your views on him? It's not illegal.
If you only know he looks at porn because you use a keylogger then why don't you stop spying on him and just let it go. If you can't be with someone who watches porn then you should never have got pregnant and never have got married. But I do think to seriously think about splitting up a marriage and making you child grow up in a single parent family simply because of your porn/no-porn views is immature and irrational. If I ever found out my mother had done that to me I would be very sad and angry for everything I had missed out on simply because of her dislike or porn.
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reader, person12345 +, writes (17 July 2010):
Guys, she hasn't said anything about the masturbation, only the porn. Goodness, no need to get so riled up because people have different opinions on what's OK in a relationship. Some people don't want their partner masturbating at all, to porn or anything. Some couples are OK with seeing other people under certain conditions. What's important is that this bothers her. She is hurt by something he does, and even knowing it hurts her he isn't able to stop. That's what's important. Telling her, porn is normal, you're crazy, or accusing her of being worse than him isn't helping. It won't change her mind, and it seems clear she will never be OK with it truly. Yes, a keylogger is an invasion of privacy, but lying about something that hurts her is a big deal too. One is not worse than the other, but one caused the other. We shouldn't focus on that and attack her when she's just looking for help. Trust can be rebuilt, and if you sincerely believe he wants to stop, wants to work on it, then there's hope. He's even agreed to a net nanny! You think he will look anyways, but how? Unless he gets the password he's going to have to go way out of his way to look, and it might be in public. I wish you the best of luck. Remember, this is going to take awhile. Don't expect a quick sudden change.
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reader, konatachan +, writes (16 July 2010):
That is a big concern for your family.
You need to try bringing it up with him calmly but seriously that this is a big issue in both your relationship and the future of your child. Your child needs to come first and he needs to understand this too.
Everyone has needs and urges but saying it is an addiction is just an excuse. If he really needs sexual stimulation that much try having more romantic evenings with him and relations now and then.
If that isnt the problem and he hasnt tried harder to stop for the sake of his family then its hard to take but maybe you should consider leaving him or at least taking some time away from him.
Try everything you can to stay together but remember your child and whats best for its future.
God bless~
If thats not the problem than
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reader, Miamine +, writes (16 July 2010):
PS: He does not have an addiction, he is not suitable for mental therapy. He likes pornography, and even if he stops looking at it today, next week, next month, will he be able to keep it up for the next 30-50years?
If your child is a boy, you will find yourself having a fight when they become a teenager and get interested in sexuality.
People who hate pornography find it impossible to be with people who like it, unless they can find ways to compromise.
It is perfectly reasonable to ask someone not to look at pornography in your house. It is reasonable to ask someone to make sure you don't find pornography in your sight.. But it is not reasonable to tell a grown up adult what they can look at, especially when the thing is legal and not forbidden in your society.
You'll have as much problems with this as the church does when they tell young kids not to think of sexual things ever unless they want to go to hell.
Compromise is best. I prefer, keep it out of the house, and "don't look for evidence, don't ask questions, and don't tell"... Men have always looked at pornography, but they used to do it outside the home.
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reader, Miamine +, writes (16 July 2010):
He won't stop and you won't leave, there's no solution to this problem except for you to continue to cry and weep.
There is no way to FORCE a man to give up pornography. If this is so important to you, then it's impossible for you to compromise, so you must think of something else.
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reader, Muscle and Sinew +, writes (16 July 2010):
 its better to get out now, because you think porn is a big deal just wait till he actually physically cheats on you. your pig of a husband has had many chances. you need to leave. its only goin to get worst. men like that are never going to change, for them to risk loosing their family, they should never come close to that. he is not good for you. he is obviously not satisfied with you thats why he looks at that crap. its hard to sink in, but i have been through that, its harder to say than do. i have given my husband so many chances. especially since you have been married for a month. if you got married by justice of peace you can get your marriage waivered. its like if never happened. it shouldve taken just once for him to snap out of that childish habbit.
it gets me upset that other women are goin through this.
i sympathize with you and i hope this gives you the courage to do something.
M&S
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reader, chas_8734 +, writes (16 July 2010):
chas_8734 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI'm still devastated about the whole issue.
Speechless almost.
We have been through this 4 times this year. Everytime I told him I would leave if he didn't stop. Apparently sobbing for days over the pain and frustration this causes every time isn't enough.
Today he added "Net Nanny" to his computer... let me set the password he doesn't know. But for some reason, I still know its not going to stop. He doesn't think that he can stop.
He spoke of doing a 12-step support group rehab. He says he doesn't want to look at the porn but can't physically stop. Does anyone have experience with this behavior? This kind of addiction? I just can't understand it really because I have never been addicted to anything.
I can't understand a man that jeopardizes his family over this. For all those men that say "its not a big deal" then why is it such a big deal to stop looking at it if your wife doesn't approve. If its not a big deal to look at it, it shouldn't be a big deal to stop. Right?
I don't know if hes telling the truth or not but he says he feels guilty for looking at it and wants to stop. But can't. He understands its destroying our marriage and family. Besides the "net nanny" he doesnt know what he is going to do for help, but plans to do something.
I am just wondering, how many times this is going to keep coming up... how many months are going to pass this time before it happens again. Should I just leave now? 4 chances is a lot... but this time instead of just saying he wouldnt do it anymore he is doing things to try to stop. looking for help organizations... adding porn blockers to his computer...
I don't know what to do. I can't stand to be hurt again, but I can't stand breaking our family up either. Just an ugly situation. Advice??
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reader, Muscle and Sinew +, writes (16 July 2010):
OH MY i know how you feel. i have come to terms that all men will never stop "looking around". ive caught my husband many times, and its always an accident. i always get disgusted with him and even till this day it still does. i wish i can tell you he will stop or he wont. but i would tell my husband for us to go talk to a priest, and we did, and he feels guilty. he should. for so long i thought he was not satisfied with me. i thought i was ugly, i thought i wasnt pleasing him. i thought he wanted those fake looking girls, the ones that you would see in magazines. but i realized that its not me.
so far i havent caught him in anything, i told him if i do or if he looks at something and i dont know about, eventually this marriage will fall apart due to this disgusting habbit. i really dont understand men, and i never will, but your not a physco, your just protecting your marriage, and im sure if the tables were turned he would act the same way.
maybe if you tell him that he needs to set an example to your son, because you want your son to respect women. and i told my husband just that, and those girls that he looks at are daughters, that could be our daughter, woudl you want her to do that, and all of those men looking at her and touching themselves....HE GOT THE POINT..
i hope this helps..
M&S
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 July 2010): I'm going to isolate one part of my previous post because I think it makes a good point.
What if your husband was really disturbed by you masturbating with a sex toy because it made him feel inadequate? What if he thought your masturbation was a negative reflection of his ability to please you sexually? Would you think it is OK for him to demand that you never stimulate yourself because it makes him feel insecure for some reason? Would you stop forever without question or perhaps continue in secret to make him feel better? If you did continue, would you maybe lie about it to protect his feelings?
Or, what if your husband was truly disturbed by you leaving the house without him. What if he thought you had no place being in public without a chaperon, like some very conservative cultures? Would that make you feel free and liberated and trusted, or would he sound controlling and suspicious? What if he was checking up on your Internet usage, and didn't approve of something you were doing and made it clear he expected you to stop. What if you enjoy romance novels, which are often obscene or at least gratuitous, and he gave you the ultimatum to stop reading those novels or lose you. Do you think you'd drop the novels or maybe try to convince him that he's being silly?
I don't mean to imply that your feelings are not real, but they are, in my opinion, only considering your own perspective and insecurities and not the emotions of your spouse which are equally real. In the end if you allow this relatively minor issue to break up your marriage I don't think it would be worth it. I understand that some people are more conservative than others, that's OK, but you have to put things in perspective. If you found out tomorrow your husband has cancer and was going to die in six months, I'm thinking some porn watching would be easy to forgive.
"Don't sweat the small stuff" is probably the best marriage advice I can give anyone. Life presents enough real obstacles, don't invent any. When men here on this forum and elsewhere repeatedly try to reassure you that his porn consumption is not a negative statement about you or your relationship, believe them.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 July 2010): A lot of men watch porn and it is not a reflection on your sexuality or his attraction to you. Spying on your husband is an offense just as bad as his lying to you, so I would suggest you stop.
I certainly think that most men would be perfectly honest about watching porn if they felt their honesty would be welcome, but clearly in your relationship, this is not the case.
I think you should lighten up. Let's reverse the roles for a moment and analyze the situation from a different perspective. What if your husband was really disturbed by you masturbating with a sex toy? Would you think it is OK for him to demand that you never stimulate yourself because it makes him feel insecure for some reason? Would you stop forever without question or continue in secret to make him feel better? If you did continue, would you lie about it to protect his feelings?
Men enjoy pornography and in my opinion, women should not be offended by it. And in no case should you ever spy on him regardless unless it's a matter of life and death, or unless you are prepared to face his secrets without giving him an ultimatum about it.
This is my opinion, I'm not trying to sound authoritative, but I've been married for 13 years and I watch porn and my wife doesn't enjoy it herself but doesn't give me a hard time about it. We have a great sex life and I am soooo deeply in love with her, and the fact that she doesn't get down on me for porn is very endearing, it makes me feel like she trusts me and believes me when I tell her that I don't fantasize about the women in porn, just the act of sex itself. I would never cheat on my wife, and I don't compare her to porn actresses. I don't watch women in solo porn scenes, stripping and such, it is the act of sex that turns me on. Some of the women are very beautiful but their beauty only reminds me of what I love about my wife - her femininity and sexiness. And my wife isn't a buxom thin underwear model, that doesn't matter, it's not about that...
I hope I can change your mind in some way so I thought I would share my feelings to give you a look into the male mind. We love the way women look getting sexed up on camera, but we love our wives much much more. But please don't make him choose between his natural sexual arousal and his love for his wife, it's a mistake in my opinion.
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reader, chas_8734 +, writes (15 July 2010):
chas_8734 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for all your help.
He came in from work this morning and said he was going to find a way to stop. We are going to work through it, I suppose but I swear if it happens again I am leaving. I guess I never took the time to try to help him stop, because I didn't think that it was that serious. I thought it was just a habit more than an addiction.
He says he doesn't want to do it, but doesn't understand why he cant stop. I still don't get it but I am going to try to understand.
Against my morals, I suggested letting him do it if he just stopped lying and hiding it for that is not healthy for a relationship. He said "you don't give a drug addict access to drugs and think that is okay so why would this". I don't know if he is just saying this or truly means it.
Gosh this situation is just so hard...
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 July 2010): Nothing is wrong with watching porn.I have been with my wife for twelve years,we have a super relationship and like all other men on the planet, I watch porn..If it wasn't porn it would be something else that bothers the original poster..She even went as far as to spy on the man..Give the man a little privacy..
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reader, r0ckah0l1c +, writes (15 July 2010):
I would say that if he is not willing to give up porn, perhaps be the one to initiate control in the situation so that even if you are not 100% comfortable with it there will be compromise. Perhaps come to an agreement on specific occasions where viewing porn is or is not appropriate. Or try watching porn together once in a while. Often times the men look at porn regardless of how happy they are in their relationship or how beautiful their wife is. If these things do not help or reassure you, I would suggest couples counseling with a doctor who will not make you feel opressed or guilty for not accepting his need for porn.
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reader, RAVEMORE  +, writes (15 July 2010):
It's not so much the porn watching as the lying that is troubling.I am curious to know if this is the only problem in your relationship, or just the tip of the iceberg.If this is the only major problem, it might be worth working out.I find it quite puzzling how fast modern society creates disorders and addictions out of obsessive or difficult behaviors.Nobody talked about porn addiction before the internet, even though it was available in magazines, movies, and sex shops.So what has happened? Why has it become acceptable that men watch porn obsessively? Why is this problem mostly a male problem? I don't hear about men complaining about their wives watching too much porn so what it really going on there? Why are so many women thinking about leaving their man because he is addicted to the INTERNET or is spending too much time on the computer.The true problem is not in the porn watching. I think it might be in the fact that porn is titillating but doesn't involve any responsibility from men. No performance anxiety.No requirement for intimacy.How is your level of intimacy with your husband? Can you confide in him? Is sex the only intimate moment you share?I think qualifying porn as an addiction is a way to take the responsibility out of the behavior. " I can't stop watching porn.I'm addicted." is an easy excuse to continue the behavior. It also makes the porn the big problem in one's life and the man the big problem child.The attention should be on the needs of your child and not on the so called needs of this man.It's not so much the porn watching as the time it takes away from you and your child.Have you tried asking your husband what he finds interesting in porn and why it takes so much of his time and attention? Also, how much of his sexual energy is directed towards porn. Does he masturbate to porn and squanders all his sexual energy on images? Pardon my bluntness.How much does it affect your life as a couple and family?In my opinion: finding the roots of the problem is more important than monitoring his internet surfing.You must feel terribly lonely within this relationship. I hope your husband wakes up and realizes all that can be lost. Maybe a one week trial separation with full access to porn but none to the people he loves would make him realize that.In any case, I wish you good luck and hope that you can find fulfillment in this relationship and co-create, with your husband, a climate of love and trust that will benefit your child.
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reader, person12345 +, writes (15 July 2010):
Just to add, if he agrees to stop for real he should have no problem with an anti-porn lock on the computer to make you feel better. If he just says he'll stop and refuses though, you know he's probably just planning to hide his tracks. Plus the anti-porn lock (kid locks) wouldn't invade his privacy at all like a keylogger does. Yeah, it's a bit treating him like a kid, but at the same time he treated you like one by lying about this especially when he knew it was a big issue.
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reader, girlygirl601 +, writes (15 July 2010):
Its really important to look at differences that bother you to an extreme before the marriage. All couples have differences but its up to you if you are willing to work with them. I think that counciling would be a good idea if you think its something that you're willing to work on The dishonesty isn't right at all on his part. I agree..don't show your hand. Don't tell him that you installed a keylogger on his pc.
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reader, person12345 +, writes (15 July 2010):
Have you tried confronting him about it or tried making him go to counseling? He doesn't sound addicted necessarily, just someone who doesn't want to give up on porn. The lying though, that's pretty awful. I think your choices are, try to work on it and go to counseling, accept porn (which you by no means have to do), or leave. It won't help your child to grow up in a marriage where one spouse despises the other, it will be a better environment to grow up with just you. You've made it perfectly clear to him you will not be with someone who looks at porn and rather than either be up front and say he will always look or stop, he lied. That's totally unacceptable even if he knew you'd be upset by it. There are guys out there who won't look, they're just few and far between. My advice is give him an ultimatum that if he doesn't agree to go to counseling or stop porn, you will leave. And do NOT tell him you put a keylogger on his computer. 1) it's illegal and 2) he'll figure that since you broke his trust it's OK to break yours.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 July 2010): Good Luck!! Sounds like one of them selfish Pigs !Which they think they are a man!! Which I believe they are far from! Porn is cheating . I have heard it all!! They say Im not hurting anyone! Not like im out with another woman! Whew! Im so sorry for you .I have had the same problem twice!! First One I left after 7 years. 2nd one left me when i got pregnant!! All he wanted was sex!! Guess he getting plenty of porn NOW!! I walked in one night he watching while his two children from first wife was in the bed! What if they woke!! Makes to soo bad!! Everytime I ask him about it! he would Lie!! The more I ask please. it hurts me!! He would just get better at hiding!! Im so sorry. sounds like he doesnt get it. So its stay and know he will always do it . You will never be happy with that. Or stay take computer and get it blocked from them sites.Pray for the Best!!
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reader, Oregongrl1 +, writes (15 July 2010):
What did you think by marrying him, he would stop watching porn? you knew that he enjoyed it before ya'll got married whats the difference now. it's like teaching a old dog new tricks~!~
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