A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I am a christian and I'm in a long term relationship and feel really disconnected sexually since I have a secret and it's gotten to the point where every time we sleep together, I need to fantasize about the opposite sex or I can't even get aroused with my bf. This has been going for a long time.He knows I've liked women before and at the very beginning my ex told him as a way of making him leave me, yes, so funny, what a loser. My ex was more open but my bf was also kind of accepting of me as I am, we even talked being open in the future; but as years went on, he started being more possessive and jealous. I am a mom. Being my mom and knowing how "bad" it would look for my kids, for my family if I came out, I started feeling shame of my past because he always makes comments about homosexuals which are mean. Btw my past is virgin, only kissing, and I was rejected in intimacy by a friend who backed out so I have been hurt in the past. I told him I did some sexual stuff, which was false, just to see his reaction and he snapped. I mean, he was depressed for a month and we were having ugly fights about it and he thought I could never love him so I never said anything again. I've tried having conversations with him about his derogatory comments on gays which sometimes he makes. Sometimes he took my advice and started choosing his words better, but the hate/humor is still there and it's like it's pinpointed to me. It's like it's ok for everybody else but not for me, it's really something he hates about me. Now, all of a sudden he is talking so much about this girl who is 16 years old and she has been contacted by the company where he works as an influencer and is making a life by just being a tiktoker and lgbti and he just can't stop talking about her and how much power she has by just being herself. It's creepy, because he mentions her in every conversation with friends, hyping her up, which makes me uncomfortable because it's like, he's here oppressing me and my feelings for years, acting all defensive when I say he shouldn't be disrespectful just because he doesn't identify and ignoring my struggle which I haven't even mentioned since our boy was born. Here comes a complete stranger who is *free* and he is impressed and even proud of her, yes, proud of a stranger whose success is just a rumor. He lights up talking about her. Its not the only case of this behavior but I want to keep this short so I'll leave it at that. This has made me realize how my life is a lie. I know he acts like this because he wants me to become like this lucky girls or do something big but we can't even fix the small things. I have no family support, at all, they are minding their own business and don't even care about me or if I live or die, they really have "too much problems" for them to help me or give me advice. We act as if I'm straight because I literally almost am but I'm not. And I let this happen because he doesn't let me have male friends, imagine if I was upfront that I still like girls, I didn't want him getting all upset when I am just hanging out with females too, it would make things even harder. I thought well, my future would be torn if I came out, my mom would disinherit me, she couldn't even look at me, she already acts as if my life is not fine by her religious standards. My bf knows the truth but he just doesn't get it, so why even bother. So I have been keeping this a secret for 10 years, but I literally have to think of girls when we are intimate or I don't feel anything. I think of it as my fetish and it's all smooth but only regarding intimacy, I have never felt that way romantically which is why I thought I had no options. He thinks it's him giving me all the pleasure but it's not. I don't want to hurt his feelings, he would take this very, very bad because it has happened before when I have started this kind of conversation. I don't want to leave this relationship, my feelings are all sexual but I am a very sexual person. I don't even think about men sexually, which kind of scares me, he's the only one I love. I have really only liked men romantically or if they meet my very personal "high standards", as I like to think of them. Do you have any advice on how can I manage this situation, or how I can talk about being open in our relationship without it turning into a fight or others finding out. I have been bullied before after my friend's incident and I am scared. I don't want to cheat but I know he is against being open, we both love each other exclusively. Imagine leaving the relationship because of sex, it's so wrong. Still, I don't want to have regrets later on and think how things would have been if I had the strength to just be me. Thank you for reading and I hope this wasn't too much.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 October 2020): Typo correction:
"I am in no position to justify or defend God Almighty. He's God all by Himself!"
A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 October 2020): You are truly conflicted. You say you love your boyfriend. Apparently, you haven't formed the kind of emotional-attachment that makes the relationship romantic and amorous in every aspect of a loving heterosexual-relationship.
What you describe in your relationship to your boyfriend is friendship. Intimacy, as you've described it, is without true passion. It is better perceived, or defined, as submissive. You use him as an escape from religious-conviction; and as an answer to your mother's condemnations and expectations. He's part of your facade and window-dressing to present the image more acceptable to everyone around you. You really don't seem to know what you truly feel; but calling it love for him is questionable. What kind of love is it?
You say your boyfriend makes bigoted homophobic-remarks, or tells cruel gay-jokes. I think that's his way of tempering and suppressing your gay-inclinations. That gay-stuff is okay out-there in the world, but not on the homefront. Some guys may find the thought of two women together arousing. That's not his schtick.
He's dealing with it in a very mean and manipulative way. You can't really blame him. How can he compete with women, when he only knows how to compete with men? Knowing you're sexually-attracted to women threatens his male-pride and ego. Plus you're the mother of his child; and there's the possibility you'll flip, and leave him for another woman. He has to remind you that your attraction to women is acknowledged; but not fully-accepted. It's okay as long as you keep it padlocked in the closet. Out of sight, out of mind! That's the price you pay when you use someone as a beard to cover your true sexual-orientation. They become insecure and conflicted about how they feel about it. Not knowing when you could just throw-up your hands, kick down the closet-door, and go full-on gay!
The tiktok girl may be an indication he's making some progress along the lines of acceptance and tolerance; but it does not apply to the mother of his child, and his official and committed-girlfriend being out and proud. No, he does not have to agree to an open-relationship; to be used as a cover to your true sexual-orientation, in order to protect you from those who do not accept you as a gay-person. Your way to pass in the heterosexual-world undetected.
You have every right to suppress your homosexuality. Some will disagree with that statement; but it's YOUR life, and your right to live it as you choose to. It does not mean that your hidden-feelings won't try to surface; or that you will never feel the conflict within you. It is a fact, that people have same-sex attraction; and suppress those feelings for a lifetime. They want a family, a traditional-marriage, and just don't feel they could handle living life as a homosexual. Their reasoning will vary. Being threatened with imprisonment, or death, being the worst and most unjust of them! In ancient times, stoning was a biblical remedy to sexual-misconduct. That was based on Mosaic Law, in the Old Testament. It was not confined to homosexuality, like many try to twist it...it included fornication and adultery! Lets get it correct. Then Christ died on a cross to remove us from that law, and absolved us of those sins. He died as a way to end that kind of law threatening us. He formed a New Covenant. Freeing us from the law, but not allowing for sexual-misconduct and lustfulness. Christian doctrine is not accepted by all religions. Christians know where I'm coming from; but this is just religious-babble to unbelievers. I'm not here to judge or force anything on anybody; it's part of my response to your reference to Christianity. I am a Christian, and I have no shame about it. I am no position to justify or defend God Almighty. He's God all by Himself!
Others have religious-convictions and trade their lustful-inclinations for their faith, service, and love of God. Jesus made the ultimate sacrifice for us, and those who make sacrifices for His sake are promised great rewards. Argue until your face is blue; but they have that right. You may call it hypocrisy; because they restrain themselves from practicing homosexuality. If they stay steadfast within their convictions by the loving grace of God, and with a true-heart to serve Him; by their faith, they have a God-given right to. It is only hypocrisy to pretend to live one-way, but secretly practice another. Taking a vow of celibacy is based on the same principle. Denying one's lusts and worldly-nature for the service of God is a good thing. You have your right to a difference of opinion. God gives us choices; and He supplements with His grace, mercy, and forgiveness where we are weak or fail. There are those who make themselves sick by fighting their true-nature, or having what's unnatural imposed upon them; that's when you seek help through science and medicine, to overcome whatever emotional-injury and psychological-damage that causes. Nowhere in the Bible does it say humans are to impose or force their righteousness on other humans; but we can rebuke bad-behavior. Otherwise, God instructs us not to judge and to back-off when our evangelism or preaching is rejected. Zealots and fundamentalists tend to believe themselves more righteous than God; and create and enforce their own laws and mandates with cruelty. Unfortunately, we confuse their self-righteousness and cruelty as God's fault. Whatever! God has a remedy for that.
In the end, you will have to be true to yourself; because inner-conflict may overwhelm you to the degree it will lead to resentment, depression, and/or cheating. Your faith is between you and God. Insisting he have an open-relationship to allow you to have women in your life, when you know that's not the deal; will mean you have to make a life-decision at some point. He already knows you still like girls, but he doesn't want to know you "prefer" them. He could have invested his time and emotions on somebody else. Look at the full-picture, not just from your own selfish-perspective. He's not the villain for having his beliefs and values, no more than you are. You decided to bring him into your life under one understanding; now changing course in the middle of things will certainly be an uphill climb, if not impossible.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 October 2020): I think you could make this problem as big as you like or so trivial as to be unimportant in your life.I sense an underlying high level of hurt in your life.Mainly through being misunderstood by people close to you.If I can sense it, then your boyfriend must be aware that you have a fragile ego: one that is easily broken or shaken.It's not healthy for you to continually feel on edge and from what you say I think your boyfriend is deliberately playing towards keeping you in a fragile state.This would be why he is openly admiring a 16 yr old who declares herself a lesbian.She may be a social influencer but I have noticed that social influencers often have fragile egos and can only enjoy the admiration.They fall to pieces when it is withdrawn or the haters step in.Many can't handle the pressure of being a real person underneath the hype of social influencer jargon and deliberately portrayed life.Think about your life.You are now a mum.This is no mean feat.You have another life to care for.This is a job that is more demanding than any other in life as it never ends and is always more than work.You could set yourself up as a yummy mummy social influencer as so many do, if you wanted to embrace all that entails.I think your man is being thoughtless and I think he is giving your ego a hammering because he doesn't want anyone else to have you.Don't expect logic in this situation.He is going for a reaction no matter how banal.I also think he is probably not a good lover because he keeps breaking the connection out of bed which is irritating to say the least.While you say you like girls, you haven't actually got involved in a same sex relationship so technically you are not a lesbian.If you want to fantasize it hurts no one but most fantasies aren't based in reality.They are mainly based on wishful thinking.So, it doesn't matter what the boyfriend says or does because he's not influencing your life but he is trying to pigeonhole you.I think it was cheap of your previous boyfriend to 'pass you on' as someone 'who likes girls!'It was his ego being hurt because you had found someone else and therefore he felt you were saying his d*** wasn't good enough when quite probably it was some other problem. He passed you on as a lesbian to make your new fella feel insecure.If you continue in your current relationship then you must find ways to toughen up so that stupid and thoughtless remarks can do you no damage.You can learn to switch off or divert topics or just generally validate yourself with worthy validation expressions several times a day.You can seek talking therapy to find new ways to view past moments and to draw strength from the hurt rather than be damaged by it.If you leave your man and branch out into women then your whole life course will alter but as you have been hurt once please be cautious.Because people are people!So think carefully about what's really important to you.And remember that fantasy people never say a thing wrong or put a foot wrong because they don't exist in reality.You have quite a few choices open to you but if you want to be in your sons life as a primary carer and influencer then I think you should become very assertive about your rights to be his mother.Because I fear that your fella might be deliberately undermining you so that he eventually makes you feel you must give up your rights to being a mom.It's time to put your fighting gloves on and to get into the swing of defending your rights.You don't have to win all your battles all the time, but pick the things that are important to you in real life and fight like hell to keep them.
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A
female
reader, SamanthaIreland  +, writes (20 October 2020):
 Hi I really hope his helps!! Its good to see you you have at some point talked if not hinted you two could be open but he has decided not to allow it....leaving you frustrated and very much confused and living in secret. He could become defensive or argumentative if you bring this up then how will you ever get past this situation? He has to hear you out i know he cares and puts on his macho ...possessive and wants things between you and him but your clearly ready to ask for another option. Fantasizing about other people might be normal but things seem to be difficult for you. The 16year old sounds odd too that he can show and possibly test your possessiveness too. Sounds like he might only have eyes for you no matter who is round. I hope you gain courage and bring it up if hed rather talk about the 16yr old girl than how important this is for you!!! Just explain you dont want to argue which could cause an argument that you are not prepared to lose what you have but youre trying your best to come out a little more. He sounds very much in control and this could be hard on you but so is hour secret. Hope this helpsSamantha
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