A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I would like to address this email to men's point of view who somehow cheated on their wife both online affairs and in real situation.Men cheat because there are women who are wiling to cheat with them, these are facts. Most likely women too have their needs emotionally and they tend to look for someone else to fill in those gaps, others may have low self-esteem reasons they get involved to such relationship but it doesn't mean that those women are despicable just because they are involved with married men! Both parties I believe have problems and you cannot just blame one or the other.I would like to ask to all married men readers of this column. If you have an extramarital affairs of not only one or should I say, you tend to have more than one woman and you tried to mislead those women and used their weaknesses to get what you want and need, and one of those women who somehow learned to love you for years with all honesty and truthfullness of the relationship later found out you were just playing her emotions and become vengeful and disclosed the relationship to your wife or family, how would you react on it? How would you feel about the consequences you made from dishonesty and selfishness? Would you blame your other woman for causing such troubles in your marriage? How would you deal this kind of situation? Please give me your points of view with honesty in your answers. I would like to welcome women also to react on this matter from men's answer in my questions.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 January 2010): how can you say you feel cheated. you knew he was married. yet you indulged. yes you may want him to leave his wife for you but why should he?? all your vengeful feels does nothing to condone the fact that you knew the score and like a good little mistress you need to shut up and accept your situation. you cannot and should not expect any more than what you are getting. its not called the life of a mistress for nothing. so please get used to it!!!!!!!! not the answer you want to hear, but its a realistic one.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 December 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionMr. Black, you are right, other women chose to be with married men for emotional reasons and there are so many reasons to tell...women just want to be loved in return.
With regards to your question, when the woman disclosed such affair to wife/family, the other woman opened up how she felt being humiliated from the deceptions of being loved. The other woman all throughout the years she was with him, never crossed the line or rather draw the line because of her respect and trust and love of course...out from humiliations despite being honest and true and upfront to the relationship, she was decieved, and from it she became vengeful.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 December 2009): I would never cheat but my wife did.In fact she was especially attracted to married guys.Even after the divorce she still went for more married guys.Someone told me they like married because they don't feel the pressure to have to get married to them.Anytime you have lying, cheating and stealing there is bound to be some unhappiness.I feel very fortunate to be safely away from that kind of drama.
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A
male
reader, Beingblack  +, writes (18 December 2009):
 Well I have never been married, but in the past I was quite a bad chap with women.
The trouble is basically that everyone is different, and has different motives. There are many women who welcome the idea of being a 'mistress', just as many women hate it. Many women will blindly accept whatever a married man tells her, while others will challenge his every word to get some truth.
But generally, I believe when a woman decides to become the lover of a married man, she does so in the belief that if she tries hard enough, he will somehow 'choose' her over his wife.
I refuse to accept that women are silly enough to believe a man who says his wife does not 'understand' him, or that he isn't having sex with the wife, or that he is only there for the sake of the children, while continues to have his cake and eat it.
So, after several years and he remains married, or the wife suddenly becomes pregnant, I accept that bitterness will creep in. After all he said, you wasted those years in vain.
But who is really to blame? In your case, you must have known that he was married before you slept with him, or found out during the course of time. But, you didn't walk away! He used you, and got what he wanted, but didn't you use him too? And then, to compound matters, you fell in love with him! So, yes, be as bitter as you like, but why break up his family? Out of spite? Is your action likely to make him choose you, once you have alerted his wife?
Of course not. There are no winners. Most men choose to stay with their wives, if their wives can accept that. Or, they walk away from everyone, and start again.
The lover rarely gains anything out of the disclosure.
Men have affairs because they think they can get away with it. But, after the VERY first time they are unfaithful, it becomes an impossible situation.
Obviously, married men should not play away from home. A man who is caught cheating only has himself to blame. He knew when his clothes were coming off that he was at a crossroads - he could choose marriage or deceit. He chose deceit.
No-one is to blame.
But at the same time, all parties concerned are to blame.
Good question.
My question is this. If and when you disclose the affair to his wife, what did YOU think will happen?
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (18 December 2009):
 I think you are being way to easy on the "poor deceived" females. I think the majority of women who have affairs with married men know exactly what they are doing.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 December 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHello, female readers, Thanks for dropping some lines but am still waiting men's view.
Lazyguy, thank you for sharing your opinion. I admit there are women who don't stand up for themselves most often they think a lot more on how to appease the man...a nice girl's fault or a doormat you would describe. A woman's love is different from a man's love...and I think you are aware about it. We are very emotional and if we love we give everything...loyalty, respect, trust, understanding...but we are also just like you, men. women are simple and direct...if men are just honest of their feelings and won't mislead women from lies or deceptions...women will not fall on this trap...if there is honesty nobody will be hurt..isn't it right?
I just hope someone out there from men would tell me somehow and be open and honest to share their experiences and feelings
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (18 December 2009):
ha ha sis! And one of the women was a cougar!
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (18 December 2009):
yeah well tell that to Tiger Woods...
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A
male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (18 December 2009):
 Doesn't happen. Women who allow themselves to be used don't suddenly change. That only happens in the movies.
Just check, lots of famous men have affairs and the women rarely speak out. Doormats don't stand up for themselves.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 December 2009): I bet many would turn the blame on the other woman, or the wife herself. And maybe all the other woman could win from this is a furious wife who follows the other woman at work to trash her to her colleagues and blame her entire unhappiness on her. A possible scenario to have in mind. But AuntyEm said it much better than me. Many of those who cheat and lie without much searching of the heart, they will probably be more worried about how to cover up and minimise the ascertained affair.
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (18 December 2009):
 Sometimes I think the best thing is to hold up your head and walk away. The only real issue you have is how to let whatever feelings that have built up, gradually fade away.
People who cheat (both men and women) know there are potentially painful and destructive concequences involved and I believe it is just the momentary thrill that blinds them to any downfalls...true and lasting happiness and lifelong trust is rarely part of the deal.
As for vengence... longterm? it seldom sits well in the heart.
AE x
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