A
male
age
51-59,
*hawncaff
writes:Hi,I realized this year that I have probably had a relationship with a sociopath. Although we never got romantically involved, we became "close"--at least from my end.(I have written about her before here, but in short, the reason I say she is likely a sociopath is:*This girl is beautiful and has never had a long-term relationship*I have given her thousands of dollars over the year because she said she needed it immediately to live, and then discovered she had tens of thousands in the bank.*She sleeps with rich men for money regularly.*She leads men on with flirtatious words in order to get things from them.*She never gives. In all the time I have known her, she has never given me any kind of gift, not even a card.*She is charming, beautiful--but lacks real empathy.*She has lied to my face several times.Despite all this, or maybe because of all the time and money and energy invested in her, I feel like I want to "break through" to her. I still care about her, even though I know I can never have a real relationship with her. Yet her isolation moves me.I have ceased communication with her on the advice of friends. I just couldn't be manipulated anymore.But I keep wondering: is there anything I can do? Is there any real way to "break through" to her? Or must I continue to separate myself from her? Being kind to her does not work, as she sees it as an opportunity to exploit. So, is there any way to help her?Thank you!
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male
reader, shawncaff +, writes (30 December 2010):
shawncaff is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thank you all for your responses. Just to clarify, I was not trying to "fix" her as some had mentioned. I was just imagining that underneath the seeming sociopathic qualities was a person whom I could discover and have a relationship with. But I am pretty sure now that is a silly illusion.
I really appreciate all your input. Thanks especially to the anonymous person who reposted the advice from the Internet.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2010): You can't "fix" her. You are not someone who can "fix" her, and she is not someone you or anyone else necessarily needs to "fix."
Let her live her own life, you can say what you want to say to her, but don't expect her to change let alone think you can be the one to change her (or anyone).
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A
male
reader, Advice_man +, writes (29 December 2010):
 I was also a little involved with a type of sociopath you describe a couple of years ago. I had become obsessed and madly in love with this girl but I knew she was wrong for me. She was the devil in disguise, exactly as you describe the characteristics of a sociopath. I decided to run away from her as fast as I could and after a few months of no-contact I regained my peace of mind. RUN AWAY FROM HER MY FRIEND AND NEVER LOOK BACK! Just like Odysseus did while he was passing by the Sirenses: Close your eyes and ears otherwise there is the danger to give into her evil charm
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 December 2010): If you really think she is a sociopath why would you want to be involved with her? She needs professional help, although I don't think sociopaths will seek that or that they can be helped.
Just keep no contact and find someone normal to have a real relationship with.
Here is some online advice for how to deal with sociopaths:
The best way to deal with a sociopath is not to deal with him. Reject him. Cut him off. Have absolutely No Contact.
No Contact means do not talk to him on the phone. Do not send, open or reply to e-mail. No instant messages or text messages. No cards, letters or packages. And certainly do not see him. (All of this applies to female sociopaths as well.)
If you're in the midst of legal battles with the sociopath, let all communication go through your lawyer, accountant or another intermediary. (Make sure they understand how sociopaths operate.)
If you've been snared by a sociopath, you may find that you have difficulty maintaining No Contact. You may find yourself thinking about the good times and wanting to talk to him or her. Here are some of the reasons—and why they are not good reasons.
1. You're still in love
The person you loved never existed. It was an illusion created by the sociopath to manipulate you. If you still have feelings for him or her, they are feelings for what you wanted the relationship to be, not for what he or she actually is.
2. You feel sorry for him or her
The sociopath may cry, plead and grovel, insisting that he or she will change. You want to believe. Unfortunately, this is not possible with sociopaths—they do not change. The predator is using the pity play, trying to take advantage of your good nature and suck you in again. Don't fall for it.
3. You don't want to admit you were wrong
You may have a lot invested in the relationship—especially if the sociopath has been taking money from you—and you don't want to lose everything. You think you can force this person to make you whole. Yes, you may negotiate, and he or she may agree to repay you. But don't expect to actually see your money.
4. You want to have the last word
You want him or her to understand how hurt you are. You want this person to apologize. Here's what you need to know: The sociopath will never understand your feelings, because sociopaths have no empathy. If he or she apologizes, it will only be a tactic to bleed you some more.
5. Better the devil you know
Some people would rather put up with emotional, psychological and even physical abuse than face the unknown. If this is you, understand that it is unlikely the sociopath will treat you any better in the future, and it is very likely that he or she will treat you worse. The unknown may be scary, but it also offers a chance for a new life.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 December 2010): Ah, classic 'white knight syndrome'.
The only way you can help her is by moving on, she's not going to learn any lessons while you around taking care of everything for her. You see she doesn't need to do anything for herself because you'll always jump in to the rescue.
It's like spoon feeding a child, why would that child ever hold a knife and fork if their mother is just going to do everything for them.
She's a child and you're her teat, you have to wean her off you and stop letting her milk you for all you have.
By actually being there for her and "helping" her you're keeping her trapped in this cycle. You really are, who knows if she had to survive on her own the entire time you've been "saving" her, she might have learned to survive by now.
Cut your losses and maybe when she sees even a "nice guy" like you won't let himself be used like that, then she might change her ways. I seriously doubt it though. But if you want to recover some pride and dignity then you'll cut her off. You may think you're being good to her but you're not, you might aswell be giving a heroin addict some heroin. You see feeding someones dysfunction is a horrible thing to do and that's what you're doing. Stop now.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 December 2010): i dont know if you can call her sociopath only based on a fact that she is using men for money.
Some women unfortunatelly adapt this way of life based on their previous experiences with men which happened in a very young age where all only started.See, we girls always looked in relationship with guys differently than you guys. We ussually dont use you just for sex, and then the morning after act like we never met you. ussualy we need to really like a guy to have sex with him.
With you guys its very different. Especially in very young age you dont even have to like a woman physically (which was a real shock for me, when i found that out).
What adds to the 'tragedy' is that 95% percent of you either dont know what to really do with a woman in bed or lazy enough not to give her time to have her orgazm.
So at the end of the whole thing, considering the morning after that ii mention above and getting no real satisfaction in bed, we women feel very much used in all ways:physical and emotional.
i am not justifying your girls behavour, many women going through the same experience still choose not to use men for money, but some do, like your girl. She probably went through multiple partners after which she felt terribly used, and desided to use them back. At least she has monetory value award. Some geting used to this way of life,
accept it as a norm, sadly, and dont see any other way of interacting with men who dont pay for it. good luck
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 December 2010): I'm not sure she needs your 'help'. Sounds as if she is doing ok, in her own way and style, even though it is not your way of doing things or anyone else's come to that. However, you percieve her to have a problem, but does she? Let her live her life the way she likes - she can deal with any problems that arise herself. Unless she has particularly asked you for help and advice, which doesn't seem the case. Meanwhile you sound more than a little fixated with her, the best thing you can try and do is put her out of your mind. Stop trying to imagine that somehow she needs your help. Give up. Put your energies into something that will be more fruitful.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 December 2010): I agree with CaringGuy. I also think the reason you're asking the question is because you want some encouragement, or the "go ahead", to keep chasing her. I don't think you'll find that here, and I think you already know the answers anyway. She's not a good person. Like CarinGuy said, get away from her.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (29 December 2010):
If she is what you say she is, then there is no chance of ever breaking through. She has always used men, and will always use them to her advantage. There's no way in hell that you will break through.
Get away from her.
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