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age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: This is a short question:How do I get passed being angry and jealous of my husband having a picture of his female friend in her underware? How do I forgive him when he assures me she didn't give him the picture, and it was supposed to be funny and him and his friends were making fun of her (but he kept the picture anway until it was accidentally lost.) He didn't apologize, just says I shouldn't be jealous because it was a joke. I've seen a picture of this girl (normal picture,) and she's very pretty, and I know she is friendly and he thinks she really nice... I'm not sure how close they are as friends or how often they talk.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 October 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThe story of what is wrong for me is far too personal to share here. I just want to get past it.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (10 October 2011):
 you are entitled to feel the way you feel.
you have hurt feelings. you can't control how you feel only what you do with it.
As for jealousy... it is an emotion rooted in insecurity. why are you so insecure about your husband's relationship with this woman?
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 October 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionBy the way, he doesn't want pictures of me in underware. I have given them to him before and he just gets rid of them... deletes them, tears them up... you know... I try to do sexy things for him (like strip tease, etc,) and he rolls his eyes and says "not interested."
I don't think he's cheating with this girl, it just hurt my feelings that he kept this picture and if it is funny why not share it? He normally shares things like that with me. I look at funny pictures of people in their underware, poorly dressed etc, like on Failblog. But these are annonymous people to me. And I don't keep the pictures, just laugh and move on. (or feel bad if the person doesn't deserve it.)
The problem was she is not an anonymous person. It's a girl he knows, gets drunk with, talks to online.... So, yes, I know I feel jealous. That's why I am asking how to get passed it....
One thing I notice is a lot of these comments act like it's wrong for my feelings to be hurt. But they are, and I just want to know how to stop.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (9 October 2011):
so sorry but even MY forgiving nature would not get past that.
EVEN if she sent it as a JOKE.. he KEPT it till he lost it... NOT COOL in my book...
and this: "I'm not sure how close they are as friends or how often they talk. "
this is YOUR husband.. and you have no clue how much contact he has with this woman? BIG RED FLAG for me...
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male
reader, eddie  +, writes (8 October 2011):
 I think you are connecting what you consider to be inappropriate behaviour as well as the potential opportunity close by.
Do you accept the concept your husband might find another female attractive?
Do you accept that men process this information differently.
I understand your fears. I have argued this before with my wife. She does not connect finding someone to be attractive with desire. I argue that attraction and desire equals opportunity. The desire has to be on both sides though. You're scared because you feel there's an attraction fueld with opportunity and familiarity. The fact he had the pictures convinces you he has desire. All of these things don't equal infidelit though. What they equal is potential for problems. The situation that happened is not strange, you just found out about it.
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A
male
reader, JustHelpinAgain +, writes (8 October 2011):
Maybe you were surprised by this, a bit insecure, and really over-reacting. Sounds like you and most other women have no idea about the kind of crap men collect on their computers. Give him a picture of youself in some sexy underware with the request that he replaces any other photos he may have lurking around!
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 October 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI must say, I actually don't find other men attractive any more. The thought of ever being with another man makes me sad and depressed. Just thinking about even the small possibility that something could happen and my husband is gone makes me cry. (And of course, realistically that could happen. People break up, people die, but I don't like thinking about losing him.) This is 100% honesty. I am satisfied by my husband, his appearance, the way he holds me and so on... I have no desire for other men at all. 0.
I would never, never, never keep a photo of another man in his underwear or posed sexy on my computer. Especially of a friend! Porn is one thing, I get it, whatever. But this is a girl he converses with. And I understand if he is going to cheat on me through sexting or whatever, I can't stop him....
But realistically, I just want to get over this, get passed it. Try to see it as he didn't think it was a big deal and he did see it as a joke. But every time I hear her name or see he has contact with her, I think of that picture and know he saw her in her underware....
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male
reader, eddie +, writes (7 October 2011):
You may be jealous but you have some amount of reason to be. On the other hand, it was a photo shopped altered photo made to be funny. It sounds like perhaps you're a little insecure about this particular event. Let's say this never happened, do you believe there is not another woman your husband finds attractive? Is there not another man you find attractive?
Try not to focus on the small points of this. You will fill your head with possible scenarios and most of them are probably not even true. The problem is you will start to believe them and there is no way your husband can prove to that he "he has no feelings" for this person.
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female
reader, bebe87 +, writes (7 October 2011):
 That is just his funny way of brushing it off. It is not okay and it SHOULD be a big deal. I don’t think you are out of line one bit. I don’t see any humor in that at all. You should tell him, you know what that really bothers me and he needs to be respectful of your feelings! Ask him if he would like you to respect his? A marriage goes both ways. Do to others what you want done to you!
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female
reader, KittieS  +, writes (7 October 2011):
 You have every right to be angry, upset etc etc
Totally unacceptable, how would he feel if you had a picture of a male friend in his underwear??
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 October 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWe had a big blow out last week on the photo and me being jealous and him flirting, etc. A lot of painful things were said to me. But since then he has been working hard at his behavior... doing things to show me I'm special, etc. Even asking me how I am without prompting or me being in the room....
But, I did lose a lot of trust learning about this picture. The picture was made funny in some way by a friend. I'm assuming this girl took a sexy picture of herself and gave it to someone (most likely my husband's friend.) And that person is the one that photoshopped it and made it funny. He is the one that gave it to my husband. I know my husband had this photo for approximately a month. I only learned of it because it got deleted and he came forth and told me "oh that got deleted." It was like a slap when he told me what it was. I tried not to react, just saying "If it was funny why not show me?" Because he normally does show me funny things like that....
But it goes in my head... "why did he keep it for so long?" and "It must have meant something that he would suddenly tell me after it was deleted, like he was upset..." then of course all the other thoughts of what he might have been doing with it.... I keep thinking he was keeping it because yes she is very pretty and sexy, young, never had kids, etc so that makes me self-concious, too... :(
This girl he says is "nice" but she very well may be part of a group of computer hackers who hacked a friend's computer and caused him financial damage, and other issues, so I think it is foolish of them to make fun of her this way. I think she may be nice on the surface but vindictive below (like I said, I don't know her.) She is a prime suspect in that, actually....
Also he told me to take all my pictures of myself off of social networks because people might take my pictures and doctor them to use against him or me in hurtful ways (and I keep thinking, like you guys did to that girl!!!) .
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A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (7 October 2011):
 I don't care if it is just a joke, having around pictures of your attractive female friends in their underwear is not even a little bit acceptable for someone who is married. I'm not sure that's a dealbreaker, but I think not even apologizing for it is pretty bad.
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (7 October 2011):
 sometimes it is hard to trust someone when they have a naked photo of another female, this is unacceptable. If she never gave him the photo what was his explanation on how he ended up with this photo? I guess you just need to ask yourself can you trust him. Her looks shouldn't come in to this, it is not a crime to be pretty. You need to talk to him again and tell him how you feel. Get to the bottom of the naked photo and look closely at him to see if he is confident when he is talking.
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