A
male
age
51-59,
*rying2
writes:How to revive cold, evasive, cheating wife of 15 years?A little history.Been married for 15 years. Two kids 11 and 13. Wife 47, me 40. Marriage gone sideways/numb, now for the second time. Wife and I both grew up in environment where parents didn't show much, if any affection or share real emotional and intellectual intimacy. Essentially, the way of dealing with wants and needs was essentially not to, pretend they don't exist and bury them. Not surprisingly, both sets of parents eventually separated and divorced. Now, my wife went evasive and cold 7 years ago, she admitted a multi-month affair/fling with a single neighbor where she was the pursuer. She never saw him as a replacement. He accepted some of what she was giving, but didn't encourage the relationship as we knew each other reasonably well.We separated during that time for five months until I finally had the fortitude and confidence to confront her and tell her I was prepared to divorce if she didn't want to try and work it out. She denied having an affair to everyone, even though it was obvious, but I couldn't confront her until I had undeniable evidence.I told her what I believed which was that even though she made a mistake, she was still a great person (she is), and the women I wanted to be with. This was a defining moment to say the least. She had never really made a big mistake in her life, being the "good little girl", and now she was in a position where she really made a big mistake, her integrity was shot, but her husband was still there. I feel she still hasn't forgiven herself and also that she feels she wouldn't be as understanding or forgiving if I had done the same.I took my half of the responsibility for the affair. I was obviously not recognizing and meeting her needs, but she wasn't willing to tell me what they were either, and so many times and to this day, she denies really having any (believe it or not). We got back together after 5 months but not much changed. We were both still avoiding intimacy (not sexual intimacy, but expressing our feelings, wants and needs). One of the key things I was/am seeking was just to experience a little spontaneous interest from her in me as a man not sex (we'll get to that), but just the little things once in a while that say she's attracted to me. I'm not really a touchy-feely cudly person, and she is worse than me!I sought a lot of professional counselling before, during and after separation and she got a little during and very little after. She is exceptionally stubborn, fiercely independent and needless to say, quite narrow minded. As our counselor once said "She would rather sink than let anyone know she could swim.". The issue now is this. For the last seven years we made love faithfully once a week - never twice. It was like clockwork and you may be surprised to hear this, but most times it wasn't the obligatory type sex. Sex was actually quite good most times, but there is one peculiar thing that was absent - she really avoids kissing me. An open mouth kiss was an absolute no-no in her mind. About a month ago she told me, unprompted, that I shouldn't continue to expect that we do our "date night" once a week anymore. She said she is "getting old" and that she is tired. For the record, I was ok with once a week. Sure, twice would be perfect, even if that was just occasional.There are some symptoms here that need mentioning. She is up every single night of the week to 1AM or later playing an online strategy game called Tibia. She also records and watches three hours of soaps each night. She claims she gets nothing out of the soaps, that they are just like white noise. She says it's her business what she does with her time, she likes the game, and its not hurting anyone. I should mention she also seems to be interested in and fantasize about certain black singers. When I suggested the games and soaps are a symptom of our marital problems she sluffed it off and got angry with me, saying (again), that I'm invasive. She keeps proclaiming "this is the way I am", essentially, take it or leave it. She tries to pin on me that I am trying to change her. She really hates the idea of any man having expectations of her, reasonable or otherwise, and because of this, the only expectation she has of me is to shut up. The only time she really gets vicious with me is when I want to talk to her about us. She is so evasive. She acts so strong and confident, although she wasn't that way the night we got back together 7 years ago. She was rolling on the floor in our ensuite, flailing around, crying uncontrollably because she knew she made a huge mistake, she was exposed, but that I was still there. There was a little more spark in our marriage for a short while afterwards, but that has obviously waned.I don't want to give up. She says she is not looking outside the marriage for anything and says we have a good thing. She just wants me to accept things the way they were. In case it helps in considering your feedback, our family is reasonably well off financially. We could get by separately. Also, I am not worried that I will never meet or attract another women. That is not what is keeping me here. My face, body, and personality are in pretty decent condition and my ego is in check too. I want to make it work with the women I picked and married.Looking for insight and sound advice. Thanks
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affair, confidence, divorce, got back together, kissing, spark Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, the_phoenic  +, writes (25 October 2009):
you are blaiming your self too much my Friend
there is one word that explains it all
SHE ALWAYS AVOID KISSING WHILE HAVING SEX
this IS simply because she is thinking of someoe else during that !!
my dear friend i dont want to be harsh but
you have been through the post blaiming your self for her mistakes whilst there were no sign of her being sorry or blaiming her self for what she was doing wich is so selfish..
IF you children are grwon ups..,
and she didnt try to help to sort things up from her side
try to rethink about your whole marriage again..
sorry for being harsh again but i wanted to be honest with you
A
female
reader, Jayney Y  +, writes (25 October 2009):
 She screwed your friend behind your back and is happy to let you take 'half the blame' for her low behaviour, lied about it, is cold, evasive, wont kiss you or show affection, can't even be bothered with the 'once-a-week-like-clockwork-sex' any more, and brushes you off when you want to discuss the problems in your relationship. On top of all that.....she records tv soaps and plays computer games 'til all hours??? That alone would have me filing for divorce! My guess is that she is bored with your relationship but is too gutless to face the ugly reality of divorce because she's got it too good with a husband who'll put up with her crap, (sorry, I know that's a bit harsh, but you asked for insight). Why on Earth do you want to spend the rest of your life with someone so self-absorbed? There's women out there who would appreciate you. Good luck :)
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