A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi. I have a relationship question. My ex and I dated for 5 years. We were in love with each other, and he was ready to get married. I constantly told him that I wanted to marry him, but I just wasn't ready to get married by the time I was 23. When we broke up last year, he told me that he just never felt like he was good enough, that he was confused, and that I had to remember that he loved me (multiple times). He proceeded to get a re-bound girlfriend 3 weeks later. I called to wish him happy birthday a couple of months later (I know I probably shouldn't have, but he had made me promise that I would call him for his birthday no matter what happened between us.) He basically told me that he never wanted to hear from me again and that he was very happy (like 4 times in a row). So, I have left him alone. We saw each other a couple of months ago at a funeral. I was trying to avoid him and his gf, but as I got stuck in the middle of a group of people. When I looked up (assuming that he would be nowhere around bc he hated me so much), he was just staring at me with his gf like 6ft away from him. I turned around and walked away. And, I just found out yesterday that they got engaged last month (it has been a year since we broke up). I ran into him and his fiance at a football game last night, and I caught him watching me again. I have moved on and I respect his decision. But, at the same time I feel really hurt. I don't understand why he stares at me when I see him in front of his fiance. I know he hasn't ever really dealt with our breakup properly and I feel like I can see regret in his eyes. Is it normal to get engaged so quickly? And, did I do something wrong along the way?
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male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (25 October 2009):
 Is it normal to want to get married, but not get married?You made your choice, they made theirs.
A
female
reader, pinktopaz +, writes (25 October 2009):
Yes, I would say within a year is perfectly normal. His reasoning for it may not be though. I can give you something that isn't normal that happened to me to make you feel a little better: after my ex disappeared because he was too much of a coward to tell me directly that he cheated on me after lying about where he was going, he is now engaged--he proposed to her 2-months after he and I broke up. Now that is not normal. Yes, he also tried to rub it in my face about how "happy" he was, bahaha what a joke. Cool, have fun with your divorce.
Don't think about him anymore. He has apparently moved on and you should too. Yes, it's disappointing and it makes you think that there's something wrong with you and that he didn't love you because he couldn't wait until you were ready, and found some chick that would. Think of it this way, some things that happen in our life are a blessing in disguise. You may feel like crap now, and wonder how he could move on so fast, but it's really just leaving an opening for someone else to come along that you will love even more and be ready to spend the rest of your life with.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 October 2009): It has been a year since you broke up and you just found out he was recently engaged to his girlfriend. I don't think that is unusual to get engaged in a years time.
He is simply ready to get married and she is the girl he was with when he was ready and he apparently loves her and believes she is the one he wants to be with for the rest of his life.
You cannot tell that he has regrets by looking at his eyes, you are merely projecting your own wishes and thoughts and hopes onto him. Everyone sees life through their own filters. There is no reality, only perception.
Your task now is to forget him and move on. It has been over for a long time. You didn't make any mistakes along the way. You spent five years with this person and it did not end in marriage. He wasn't the right person for you, you weren't the right person for him or it simply was bad timing. The bottom line is the two of you broke up for a reason.
You can go through this analyzing and agonizing over why he is with her instead of you, but it serves no purpose but to perpetually drag this healing process out for you.
It is a myth that you need closure from a realtionship.. You say you met for closure, and see you are still ruminating and agonizing over him and your relationship.
The problem is that we try to come up with a logical explanation for an emotional decision and you simply can't do it. It is a total waste of time to try and analyze the why of this relationships ending. The only time it is beneficial is if you suffered some sort of abuse in the relationship and you want to figure out how to recognize and avoid that in the future.
But this doesn't sound like the case here. This is a closed chapter in your life. Be grateful that you had the story, the love in your life and you will find a new story with someone else in the future, just as he has done, you need to simply move on and let this go.
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A
female
reader, crazychick  +, writes (25 October 2009):
 It's a shame that he was so harsh when you called to wish him a happy birthday.
The problem with people is that they think too much.. maybe the fact that you hadn't spoken to him for a while gave him time to go through your whole relationship with a fine toothed comb and resentment started to build up.
Whether this new girl is for real, or just a rebound it isn't your problem now. He says he's moved on, and that's his choice. You should move on with your life and don't let him get to you... so what if he stares or has regrets, it's his problem not yours. Find a new guy and don't waste another minute of your time worrying about your ex. Live life to te full and be happy, don't dwell on the past :)
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