A
female
age
51-59,
*kiergirl
writes:Hello. I've written here before asking a question about how to get over a breakup. That was back in September. I definitely got through the break up, and moved on and found happiness within myself. But not completely. Currently I am not dating anyone. I have a couple prospects and am on an online dating site. I socialize quite a bit and also find time to relax and am also very focused on my career. I found that when I was dating someone a couple months ago, I didn't think of him at all and in fact thought he was a loser because of his emotional unavailability and how pathetic our relationship was.He and I work at the same company and it's difficult to get him out of my thoughts right now. He initiated contact with me a couple weeks ago and that has escalated to my reaching out to him a couple times. Both times, his responses have been lukewarm at best. That makes me feel badly for several reasons:1. I am disappointed in myself for taking several steps back and still being fond of him.2. I am disappointed that he appears to no longer find me appealing given his lukewarm responses. 3. I am disappointed that I feel low and depressed about this fallback. I am sure that in a few days, I will be back to my old self again. But - I would really like to not fall into this trap again. Does anyone have any pointers on how I can manage my feelings, control my actions and emotions in those instances when I see him at work, or at a party, or if he reaches out to me? I think I just need tips for getting through those low moments. I now know that to act by reaching out to him when I feel tempted is only going to result in my feeling worse. But I don't have the confidence that I will be able to resist temptation. Thanks.
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female
reader, dearkelja +, writes (24 March 2008):
 Hey, good for you. I'm glad you are being strong and that you have figured out that this guy is not good enough for you. It's hard when you realize that a) he is a looser and b) he should be lucky to have you but then he doesn't want you. I agree that you probably on all logical levels have figured out he is no good for you but keep in mind this man is a pro at manipulating you (and probably other women) and that is why you can't get him out of your head. When I told you I had the same thing going on I wasn't kidding. This guy also does not have the balls or interest to pursue me the right way and he is very, very good at controlling and manipulating my feelings for what he wants and when he wants it. I am pretty much in the same place as you. I know he is no good for me but my head is stuck on him. It is getting better each day though. It will for you too.
A
female
reader, skiergirl +, writes (24 March 2008):
skiergirl is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks. I doubt he'll try anything further because I haven't given him the signal. He seems to only initiate after I've signaled that his behavior is acceptable to me (by responding to his texts or emails). He doesn't have either the balls or the interest to actually pursue me properly. Some men need to be trained, and that's what I thought was his case when we first started. Not this guy. He does not want to be available to a woman and only wants them on his terms. His method of communication is 99% of the time via text or email. He is a 44 year old child.
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A
female
reader, korculan queen  +, writes (24 March 2008):
Excellent. You see he threw out the bait to see if you would bite. No response on St Paddys so chose to throw the bait further ie by running into you and being flirty. ie trying to weaken your resolve and confuse you. By being nice, and in your face he is not allowing you time to think about what you want but from your response his charm almost worked which means one of two things. He will try more clever manouevers on you ie chocolates, flowers being really charming or if he hasnt got the oomph he will go sullen and retreat like a wounded animal. Maintain your position of only allowing those which treat you as an equal and with respect to enter your domain. Is your birthday coming up or any other such anniversary? Just stay strong girl you rock!
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A
female
reader, skiergirl +, writes (21 March 2008):
skiergirl is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi - it's me the original author of this question. I'm doing ok. I haven't initiated any contact since I posted the question. He initiated contact via text at about 11pm on St. Patrick's Day. He didn't say anything, just "Good St. Patty's Day?" for all I know he sent the text to all the girls in his phone. I did not respond.
Then two days later I saw him three times in the morning - which was odd because I can go for weeks without bumping into him even though we work on the same floor. I took one person's advice and just acted pleasant, said hello and that was that. However, since he is a player - he always acts overly flirtatious when he senses me resisting from him.
In any event, I just played it cool. He hasn't initiated contact since.
And I was tempted to initiate contact after his flirting episode. But I managed to not fall to temptation. I keep telling myself:
1. He will never make me happy.
2. If I initiate contact - our rapport will quickly revert back to his disappearing and my feeling horrible
3. If we ever got together romantically again - especially if he initiated it - soon enough he would revert to his old ways and my self esteem would plummet.
What I know is true - is that only by surrounding myself with good people, focusing on feeling good, my health and having fun - will I get to a better place.
I was saying to my friend last night, I wish I could just get him out of my head. I know I don't want him on most levels, and I know he's not right for me on all levels. But he's still in my head. I guess it's just going to take time - and what I said in the paragraph above.
Walking home to the subway that night a man stuck up conversation with me and asked for my number. I doubt he is the one for me, but it was nice to get the attention. I'm finding that by smiling and being warmer to people in my day to day life - I am attracting more people. Hopefully, it's just a matter of time before I attract someone that will get the "bad ex" out of my head for good.
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A
female
reader, Just.me  +, writes (20 March 2008):
how are you doing .... i needed to come on this question because i was going to break no contact. This provides me the support i need for no contact
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A
female
reader, Just.me +, writes (16 March 2008):
Been there done that. All I can say is .... take it one day at a time. You are punishing yourself every time you contact him. If you feel like contacting him ... you should play the phone call out in your head ... does he make you feel better? worse? does he make you feel rejected? Chances are he will not make you feel better. You are the only person that can do that. Rely on your friends and family. Have a break up buddy (mine was my best friend) ... call them instead. Get out and do things.
I think that being on internet dating sites might make you feel even more lonely. Get off the net and get out there. Join a singles group, not in the hopes of meeting someone, but in the hopes of enjoying yourself. If you continue to do the things you like to do and really enjoy who you are and what you have to offer .... everything will fall into place. I promise!!!
I know you are lonely and sometimes it might feel like "he was better than nothing" but that is not what we are going for .... you are going to set the bar higher and I know that you are a wonderful, intelligent, person that will find someone deserving of your company. I will believe it for you until you can believe it yourself.
Take care
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A
female
reader, skiergirl +, writes (16 March 2008):
skiergirl is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks everyone for your replies. I'm feeling a lot better. I'm definitely going to re-read your replies when I feel weak the next time. It's going to help me be strong!
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A
female
reader, dearkelja +, writes (16 March 2008):
The man you are trying to get over is sending you mixed signals. It's the classic come close, go away syndrome. Guys do this (and girls) when they are confused about what they want, when they are playing you AND when they do not have enough self esteem to go after what they want. Does it really matter what the case is, basically as you have stated, he is emotionally unavailable and not worthy of your time. Got the same thing going on myself. Just when I think it's over and I've gotten past whatever it was we had (we never officially broke up, just are taking a break??) he'll text me or I'll run into him at work. Then I can't stop thinking of him for weeks at a time my self esteem flatlines.
Tips for getting over him are the classic go out and have fun, start dating (I'm on one of those dating services too and I've actually found they make me MORE lonely) and more importantly, believe in yourself. It sounds like you're moving in the right direction. Making headway in your career, going out with friends and taking care of you.
As for seeing him, I would avoid any chance meeting if you can. If you do see him, give him a nice smile and move along. Unfortunately if he is a player type then this may backfire and have him trying even harder but he's proven to you that he is not available for the kind of adult relationship you need. Just remember these sad feelings he's left you with.
take care of you.
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A
female
reader, TattooedStacy +, writes (16 March 2008):
Well, you are not alone, I am going through the same thing. To make matters worse, my husband (who had every reason to) leave me over mine, and the guy I was with is still married (and seems to be happier than ever). He still emails me and talks to me, never about his wife. If I were you (which is easier said than done) don't talk to him. He is treating you like a back up plan. You are not that. From my 23 years of life experience he is probably still attracted to and intersted in you, but he's a guy and he just wants to keep you around (hence the emails).
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A
female
reader, skiergirl +, writes (15 March 2008):
skiergirl is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you - this is good advice. It's hard for me to accept that he does not care for me, but I believe that this is true - he does NOT care for me. If he did, he'd treat me with more respect.
I've got to get permanently past this. I will practice the affirmations and other tips you mentioned.
Thanks again.
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A
female
reader, korculan queen +, writes (15 March 2008):
Boundaries. Maintain your personal boundaries with this man. He does not care for you and is treating you like a puppet on a string. Remember:
1. You are a beautiful woman.
2. You are worthy of love and respect.
3. You are beautiful just the way you are.
4. You are complete on your own.
5. You will only accept a relationship with a man who shares your values and the above belief system.
6. You are capable of attracting genuine men who value equality in relationships.
Repeat this statement to yourself each day and before you go to work but replace you are with I am. It may sound silly or rehearsed but once these positive affirmations enter your mind then you will start to see the positive results.
If any man makes you feel unloved, unworthy and undervalued then the time you should spend with this person is zip.
Working with him is difficult but try to visualise him as either being a stranger of with a pair of y fronts on his head whenever you see him or something like that. Whatever makes you look past his non exsistent charm and see him as the player he is. You deserve better.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 March 2008): i am resently dumped by a man who is an utter loser. but i still think of him everyday. i check my email everyday, hoping i can get an email from him. i also want to initiate a phonecall. but i never do it. i take all those thoughts as a neccessary process to heal my wound and as an interim period before i can forget him.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 March 2008): you need to realize that getting over someone you had genuinly in love with takes longer than you expect.
you need to realize that it is natural that you still have an inner voice begging him to come back no matter how rabbish he is.
you need to figure out why you still want to contact him.
i can see reaching out for him has resulted in your self-esteem being hurt again.
he can hurt you because you have no control over him. but don't things that hurt yourself. it is not worth it.
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A
female
reader, Arcada  +, writes (15 March 2008):
I know what you mean i'm in the same situation!
You say your ex initiated contact first then backed off. If he didn't want contact he would of left well alone.
The same thing happend to me, my ex finished with me, I was devestated (and still am, but coping). I did all the begging and crying, the last month I have stopped everything, we have a son together and I make him collect him from my sisters so I dont have to see him.
Since I have been ignoring his texts its been driving him nuts then when I respond he backs off!
THEN I FEEL SHIT AGAIN!
We have to be strong and dignified.
Check out Paul Mckenna's book, "I can mend your broken heart".... It really made me feel better.
I'm sorry I could't help you. Just wanted you to know that you are not alone!
Message me anytime!
xx
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 March 2008): Just accept the way you feel and know that with time the feelings will pass and you'll move on. It's clear that you weren't right for each other but there are still feelings and emotions involved, especially if you didn't think about him when you were seeing someone else. He may not be overly responsive to you now but maybe he's trying to protect himself too. I don't know how he feels about you, but he's probably trying to avoid being hurt by you or be made a fool of so he's just playing it cool. It's hard to stay friends once a relationship is over...sometimes it's a case of all or nothing. If you're single now and feeling a bit lonely, then it's natural to feel the need to be with someone regardless of whether they're the right person or not so ask yourself if you really want to be with him or if it's more a need for companionship. If so then the right one will come along in time...
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