A
female
age
26-29,
*azima
writes:Recently, I got into a big fight with one of my close friends. Needless to say, shamefully, I was the one at fault and became very over-emotional and angry with them at the time for reasons I could not comprehend while I was in an emotional state.We decided to take some space from each other, it had been a week and I had spoken to them last night to try and mend a bit of what we had left. I had explained it was my fault for being over-emotional and I had not meant any of the things I had said to them and hurt them intentionally. They expressed they felt like a punching bag and looked past a lot of my over-emotional behaviour in the past and had now been getting to them. They were not sure if I truly meant all the things, I said to them when I was emotional. I promised I did not, and I really didn't.I told them I would work on my over-emotional tendencies, as it has been a reoccurring theme for most of my relationships with others. They gave me feedback on how I could improve in that area and afterwards we had a casual conversation about new things happening in our lives.They said they will be very preoccupied with their life (they are moving to a different country to pursue business) and said we would keep in touch, and we are still friends.I had suggested over the weekend to stream a game they had been playing recently, to try and make an opening to repair some friendship left, and if I didn't hear from them I'd check in on them next week.Other than this, I am not really sure how to go about repairing the friendship we have. I know things won't go back to normal for a very long time. I am not forcing things to go back to normal, I am taking a slow process as I feel things are very fractured between us.I am not use to friendship fights, I rarely have them as most tend to fade out due to different interests and pathways in our lives.I know I done wrong, I am looking for guidance on how to navigate and repair fractured friendships. Any advice would be good! Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (22 February 2023):
 Good for you to accept that you need to work on yourself!
So many posters do not want to hear they need more help than we can give.
You were willing to listen, take on board what you heard, and accept that this is in your hands.
I hope you can find a counselor who can give you better tools and help you, help yourself.
Best of luck.
Knowing the problem is good, seeking help is even better.
A
female
reader, Pazima +, writes (22 February 2023):
Pazima is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for all your constructive criticism! I have had this issue with anger outbursts and over-emotional behaviour for a very long time. I did previously seek therapy for 4 years to assist with a lot of underlying issues I had in the past. I let go of the therapist once I felt ok and able to walk tall by myself.
However, I know now this is another area I need to address, which really does hinder my close relationships. I know what needs to be done, it will take time to fix and adjust my behaviour. I did promise him I would fix my behaviour, so I have booked in to see my doctor to consult with a therapist next week.
I realise now a lot of my insecure comments actually triggered him too. I was insecure he didn't want to actually be friends with me anymore and he got upset with it. I learned now, I shouldn't seek reassurance like this, but instead ask or better yet, just believe that they want to be friends with me.
I am giving him a lot of space as he requested, though yes, space is very different for everyone. I did promise myself after the last conversation with him I would let him initiate it, I highly respect him, and he has been a big inspiration in my life. I will work on myself as I promised him.
I do not believe things will go back to how they were before, mainly due to him being very pre-occupied with his life. Which I am fine with, but I would not want to lose him as a friend.
I believe I done the right steps to attempt to resolve what happened. He seemed ok however, he was questioning our friendship, but I will leave it in his field. For now I am wanting to work on myself this year, both physically and mentally.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 February 2023): Time and space usually repairs strained or fractured relationships. Forgiveness doesn't always come instantly on-demand; and isn't always without conditions. Angry-words can leave deep wounds and scars that sometimes take a long time to heal.
You have to learn to constrain yourself and check your temper. You need to realize apologies don't always ease the pain made by verbal-abuse. If you said several things you know were hurtful; but continued to pommel away. That's not just being emotional. It may be abusive.
If you have anger-management issues, you may need to consider getting some professional-counseling to find-out what triggers you; and how to maintain your self-control when you are upset. You can't trivialize it down to being "emotional;" when words and behavior is hurtful.
Your friend may forgive you, but some hateful or angry words stick. Your friend is moving to another country, and the distance may become an obstacle for your friendship anyway. At best, you can try and mend things; so you'll part on amicable terms.
Make sure your friend leaves with the most sincere and heartfelt apology you can offer. Being sorry after the fact doesn't always cut-it. If you have a history of angry outbursts and tantrums; you'll use-up your friend's stashed-supply of tolerance and forgiveness that is stored aside for you in your friend's heart. There comes a point when enough is enough; and letting you slide goes from being patient to being an enabler.
Everything now depends on your friend. How deeply he or she has been emotionally affected by your angry words, and how really harsh those words were? You didn't think before you said them. You didn't consider who you said them to, and how they would affect the person once you were no longer angry? You wanted to hurt them at that particular moment; but you forgot you have driven-in a few spikes in other arguments in the past. Your toxic-words will erode the friendship over time. People will start to take your mean words seriously; no matter how much you'll try to convince them you didn't mean them. If you didn't mean them, why did you say them anyway?
I think you should prepare yourself for this friendship to slowly fade, or be a little contentious for awhile. Especially, when your friend moves away; and there is distance between you.
It seems your friend has already set a boundary-line to allow him or her some distance for healing and recovery. You should respect their request to allow them time away from you; in order to allow the sting from your words to subside. They also have to assess the value, pros, and cons of maintaining friendship with you. I have no doubt you'll be forgiven. Whether you can sustain your friendship as it was, is what's unknown?
You will know when all is well, when your friend voluntarily makes an effort to contact you. Constantly trying to rush his or her forgiveness will be futile; and will only make you feel worse, if they don't respond as normally as they usually do. You'll sense some tension or distance between you.
I hope things will workout; but there's not much you can do but wait.
...............................
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (21 February 2023):
 By your own admission, this is not a one-off and is something to which you have subjected your friend before. Instead of concentrating on trying to repair this one friendship because this is what YOU want at present, why not seek professional help to enable you to control your behaviour going forward? It is easier and far better to do that than to have to keep trying to repair the damage you have done.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (21 February 2023):
Maybe you need to focus on HOW you can STOP hurting people when you are "over-emotional and angry" instead of giving empty platitudes.
Because this wasn't a one-off. You have done this to said friend before and they forgave you several times until they realized YOU were being abusive and that having a friend (you) treat HER like that is not good for her. So she decided to "take a break" to figure out IF she wants to deal with this from you EVBER again. Which I think is fair enough.
You are hoping that giving her an EXCUSE will make her forgive you again. Until next time.
Some people have a limit to how much shit they will accept, even from a friend.
You write:
"I am not forcing things to go back to normal"
You can't. And if you try that is a sure way to totally LOSE the bit of friendship there is left.
You also PRESUME that a week is enough time for her to swallow your excuse and move on.
You say you KNOW what you have done wrong, but you don't SHOW it.
What have you done to fix this behavior? Nothing.
You are in your early 20's so getting TOO OLD to behave like this and expect people around you to just suck it up.
You have some anger issues perhaps that you need to learn how to deal with.
When you are (or anyone) VERBALLY abusive to someone you CAN NOT take those words back. You said them for a reason. To HURT the other person. In the moment that did something for you, saying those things.
However, THERE IS NO acceptable excuse for doing this.
Give your friend the space she asked for and work on yourself. If you need to talk to a therapist, maybe that is something to consider.
If not you will have a life of alienating people left and right and that will be rather lonely.
Think about it.
...............................
|
