A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi me and my ex split up 3 year ago we have a son together I also have a son from a previous relationship who he brought up as his own as his real father does not bother with him he looks after them while I work 18 hours a week over 3 days he says he doesn’t need to pay maintenance as he looks after them while I work is this true he gives them £10 month pocket money each he lives with his grandma i live with my children he is lazy argumentative and does nothing for our children his grandma even cooks them there dinner when they are there he pays nothing for them yet my son who is not biologicaly his workships the ground he walks on my son is awful with me he speaks to me like I’m rubbish won’t do anything I ask him to he’s lazy won’t bring his washing down to be washed i mention this to his dad who just defends him I’m at my wits end with it all any idea what I can do about all of this thank you
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female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (21 February 2023):
 Maybe you need to look into having someone else watch your kids.
I don't think your oldest being mad at you is about you as much as it is about his own feelings, a divorce or split can be rough on kids. They don't always know how to express their anger, hurt, and sadness in a healthy manner - and your ex MIGHT not be a healthy person for him to be around.
Also, your EX can not decide if you get any child maintenance or not. But in many places, if the non-custodial parent (often the mother) has the kids 50% of the time they pay nothing.
However, if he watches them 18 hours a week, that is hardly 50%. But on the other hand, he is ALSO looking after one kid that he isn't responsible for. So I don't know.
Do you receive child maintenance for the oldest? Even if his father is absent, doesn't mean he isn't obligated to help out financially.
So You need to talk to someone about that, perhaps starting at Ciziten's Advice and they can direct you to where you need to go and who to talk to.
Do you have anyone else who can watch your kids while you work? Your ex might just not be the best influence on the kids. Your oldest might also have learned from your watching YOU and your ex and how your ex treated you.
And maybe your oldest is dealing with some abandonment issues here. His "real" dad wants nothing to do with him and the man that raised him left. That is kinda tough. How is he doing in school? Does he have friends? Hobbies?
I don't know the age of your oldest but if he DOES care about having clean clothes - then tell him that if he wants clean clothes he needs to bring them down. If he doesn't, you won't wash it. Don't make it an argument, make it a statement.
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