A
male
age
,
anonymous
writes:Help please!!I am a single dad and live with my daughters. (4 of them. I love them all very much and until last week it was not a problem. My oldest daughter is 18 years old and is a very strong minded thing. Anyway last week I finished up work and came home early.I walked in and went to the kitchen as I normally do. Anyway I walked in and there was my little girl naked on the table with a much older man (I think around 45) engaged in oral ..(she was not giving). Natrually I hit the roof! maybe not the best thing to do, this bloke ran out the back and my daughter was screaming at me.Now if thats not bad enough I realised that her 8 year old sister was in the next room.After much shouting and screaming she finally calmed down and told me that its her body and there is nothing I can do about it. Apparently there are other men that she sees also and as she is over the legal age of concent.Short of knocking his head off I am at a bit of a loss. You see my wife left years ago and I have had no girlfriends of any type nor do I have a sister so I am wondering if I am to blame for this type of behaviour? I have tried my best but I don't know how to be a lady!! So how do I teach them? I tried to explain that she deserves more and all that sort of thing.Now confidence is not something my daughter lacks in anyway shape or form, she has never been abused and I have given her lots of attention growing up So I have no idea what made her turn this way.I am terrified that my daughter has chosen a path that is dangerous and awful. I am scared of pushing her away as I don't want to loose her.Please someone help me.How do I help her become a lady and not a tramp?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 June 2008): I don't blame you for hitting the roof at the scene. But once you've calmed down, don't give her the satisfaction of making this thing into something totally naughty and rebellious.
Just tell your daughter to stop watching TV and take a good look at the real world. Letting sleazy men use her for a toy is what immature teenage girls do because they THINK this is being grown-up. A real grownup & confident woman in charge of her own sexuality doesn't act like this. It's not necessarily about being innocent & clean, it's just about having some standards and self-respect. A full-grown loser is not better than a good catch of a young guy.
And yeah, get the sex out of the house and away from her sisters as soon as possible.
If you want to blame this on anything, I think the girls need a female role model in this area. It sounds like they had you to demonstrate what worthwhile men should be like (which is good) but it takes both. You daughter probably has figured out what she should be settling for in a man for marriage because of you, but she doesn't have the female example for how SHE should be carrying herself yet. She needs to realize that being young & single doesn't mean lowering her standards in the meantime.
A
female
reader, M!  +, writes (25 June 2008):
 i agree with sugarcookie 100%
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A
female
reader, SugarCookie +, writes (25 June 2008):
I hate to tell you this but you cant do anything to make her stop. I'm 18 about to be 19 next month however I have only been with one person and I'm engaged and living with him. None of this is your fault at all. At her age she is a new adult and she is going to scream that to you all the time. You just need to tell her that sex is ment for when you are in love (which she will roll her eyes at), tell her to wear a condom because you cant afford to support a new baby and it would break your heart to see her with an STD. Lastly you have to tell her that she needs to get a different place if she is going to be having sex. Tell her she cant have sex at your house because she doesn't know how to be private about it. The last thing you need is you 8 year old seeing or hearing that. It is her big sister and she looks up to her and you do not want her looking up to her finding her in a sexual act. You younger daughter might end up acting it out to be like her sister. Your daughter will be pissed off but just try to stay a part of her life and in a few years when she grows up a little more she will completely see where you were coming from: trying to protect her and your other daughters. Just dont let this continue for your other daughters sakes! I really hope that helped!
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A
male
reader, Dr Vendetta +, writes (25 June 2008):
 Ouch!
i'm sure anyone will tell you girls at that age are a nightmare to parents anyway. usually relaitonships like that never end well and its a usually a harsh slap in the face for them.. which is a good thing. my sister went through a phase like this.
If you try and stop/force her to not see the guy or to stick to the rightious path.. she's gonna rebel and you're gonna lose her. i know this because thats what happend with my sister. Dear ol'Daddy felt his house his rules and we lived in a dictatorship and as we know.. kids love listening to their parents.. so they haven't spoke in over 10 years.
you're both on Thin ice. i understand you're mad, fustrated and you'd rather see it stop but.. and this is the part you're gonna hate, regaurdless of your feelings you have to support her, this doesn't mean meeting the guy and all that crap, but it will ease the tension. if she wants to see the guy... let her .. and tell her so.
" I'm certainly not happy or pleased about it but if this is what you want then just becareful."
i'm sure you're brain and every cell in your body is saying " yeah right.. not gonna happen"
and as Collaroy said "Tell her that you understand she will be having sexual relations with men, but doing it in the house with her young sister nearby is not acceptable under any circumstances."
meeting her half way will make it easier, but still no picnic. In time it Will fizzel out.
Just don't go blowing up on her and demanding she stop's and obays by your rules or you will lose her for good.
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A
male
reader, confused999 +, writes (25 June 2008):
you could introduce her to a guy of her age who she likes and would be a good match for a long term, exclusive relationship
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A
male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (25 June 2008):
 Is there a female relative that can talk to her?
Some teenage girls go through a rebel phase, so do boys but our rebellion tends to be handled by the police if it goes out of hand, and because having out of control sex isn't actually a crime they don't get stopped.
She may be having her "crazy" years, something that some people almost seem to want to force on young women because you can't possible have had a good time unless you screwed dozens of guys because they want to.
It is sexual revolution gone wrong. Some feminists think that the pill has liberated women, it has not, all it has done is liberate men to have sex with women with far less risk and who can now be blamed when they get pregnant for not having taken precautions.
Let face it, it ain't her body, if she has sex with random men of that age then it is THEIR body. How likely do you think that in these affairs there isn't anything but lust? If she had sex with guys her own age, that is fine but from what you describe she isn't in control of her own life at all.
But there is little you can do about this now. All you can do at this point is lay down a simple rule, no sex in the house. If that means she moves out, so be it. If she wants to be an adult then that means she has to take full responsibility for being one. All you can hope is that she manages to get over this on her own or ends up one of those single mothers with kids by different fathers who then ask ten years later on this forum why they can't find anyone long-term.
Right now she is the role-model for your other kids and that is bad.
Talk to your other daughters HONESTLY about sex and how men behave. Tell them what they can expect so they don't end up as the sex toy of a man old enough to be their father.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 June 2008): I really think she doing this to cause a reaction. I mean I can understand your pain, dating a 45yr old? having sex right next door to her sister, so wrong. I'm 18 and never do that, all I can say is that no one would do that unless there's something seriously wrong. Just tell her to do it in her room or your kick her out, yes kick her out!
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A
female
reader, pepper27 +, writes (25 June 2008):
 Hi Hunny
Oh dear Im a woman and if Id come home to that my reaction would have been shall we say not very calm. Yes she is 18 and yes she is going to be going out with guys and sex will come into it, But oral on the kitchen table in the family home while her little sister is in the next room good grief, Im not supprised you are a tad conserned hun..I think the more shouting that goes on here the more your daughter will do as she wants. You cant stop her unfortunatly of going out and meeting different men but you could have a chat and explain to her your concerns as her father and that you are only looking out for her love. That these days its so easy to get a name for yourself that you are very worried for her but reasure her your there at all times for a chat..Its so hard for you but at the end of the day hun this is your house and you have to set some rules and that is no bloody sex in the kitchen in the middle of the day when there are children around, Explain to her how she maybe would have felt if her sister had walked in and if she told her not to its still a possability as young children are curious when there told dont do something, Plus if her little sister in ten years time were to be showing this kind of behaviour how would she feel being the much older sister..This I feel is not going to be very easy and all you can do is try to tell her the dangers also that word spreads very easy and she really will not want to be known as the local table lay. Plus contraception you dont want her to end up pregnant if what she says is true then if she is not taking precautions she could be in alot of trouble. The thing here is if there is shouting and argueing then you wont get anywere and she may just up and leave, Thats what you dont really want as its obvious she is mixing with some not so trustworthy men..So all I can say hunny is do you best and sit her down and tell her out of love that you are concerned about not just the other afternoon and talk about all your worrys and hopefully with no shouting she will understand you are very worried and take your concerns seriously and with a little luck listen to you, She doesnt want to be used and known for this kind of thing and you as her father only want whats best for her at the end of the day...I'll be thinking of you hunny I hope you can sort this out and she understands its for her own benifit TAKE CARE WITH LOVE MANDY XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
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A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (25 June 2008):
 She's at the confused age now. I'm a single parent as well, with daughters. All we can really do, is teach them self respect. Just because she has the body and can do, doesn't mean she should just offer it up on a silver platter.
Be understanding. Yelling gets you no where. I can understand being really upset at the situation, and the embarrasment she felt with you walking in. But, she's an adult now. You're not just talking too your little girl. She's someone who aparently knows she has the right to choose her path. Her path may not always be the way you would choose for her. The best you can do is be there for her, talk to her, but not in a demanding way. Be understanding, so you can both come to a level of being able to confront and speak as adults and not just father, daughter.
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A
male
reader, Collaroy  +, writes (25 June 2008):
 Hi there,
sorry mate, but I think I can see the problem here.
I understand it is natural for a father to want to protect his little girls from the outside world especially the legions of sex starved men wanting to take advantage of them.
But its your words that give you away. You ask how can you help your daughter be a "lady" not a tramp.
This is a very outdated and conservative way of thinking, so I am not the least bit surprised that your daughter has rebelled against you. The natural course of rebellion is to make her daddy upset. I would even think she half expected you to walk in and find her.
Now I'm not condoning her behaviour , it is disgraceful to put this display on in the family house , but in a way she is demonstrating her frustrations at having a father who she cannot relate to when it comes to sex.
In this day and age, girls have sex, it just happens and is part of life, I blame these awful reality shows like "Ladette to Lady" for instilling this sense that girls deep down want to be prim and proper young ladies who will eventually end up marrying Nigel and live in a country manner. Well unfortunatley these days, Nigel is just an upper class twit who will still try and seduce the wannabe lady the same way a boy working behind the bar in the local pub will. This is not the real world, the real world is full of young women exploring their sexuality at their own pace and with total freedom. Girls dont need to rely on men anymore to support them, so they carry that independence into their relations with the opposite sex.
I fear your conservative approach has made your eldest daughter rebel and seek out her sexuality in a more confrontational way.
Unless you can talk to her in a rational way about sex then you will be in for more shocks.
I know it must be hard for you but I you may want to change your tune, you have three other daughters who will also grow up. If you stick to these "all girls should be ladies" approach you are only going to end up with more heartache.
Tell her that you understand she will be having sexual relations with men, but doing it in the house with her young sister nearby is not acceptable under any circumstances. And for goodness sake, make sure she has condoms.
Sorry mate, but that's the reality of the situation.
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