A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Hi all I need some advice on my daughter and I we stay in to it as a child growing up I had no problems out of her soon as she got her period at 14 she started to hate me .Now she is nineteen going out with this young punk he's twenty no job stays home with his mom and has sex with my daughter and thats all he can do for her.I am tired of doing for her and only thing he gives her is a wet ass no support on nothing but she always giving it up. So I told her until she makes him do for her don't ask me for nothing.What should I do ? How long is to long to take care of this disrespectful child of mine?I am on my last thread to throw her out for good.
View related questions:
period Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 September 2012): Yes to all that gave me feedback.my daughter graduated from school she has her diploma.We took a mother daughter trip up to jobcorp in Xplace. she was going to take a trade down there when she met this trashy ass kid everything changed .I'm not going to lie. I am very angry that she chose to let this big change in her life go to waste.I Love my child dearly. As a family we have come along way I didn't leave her then and I'm not going to leave her now.I just want her to understand the people out in those streets don't give a care about her but she want to run to them and they never have anything for her.i got the roof,food,etc for this child and for her to curse me I won't have it.As far as this young punk he is not allowed on my porch or in my house. She is going through something and she wants to keep it bottled up she told me she don't talk to me because I am too noisy.What kind of mess is that?She talks to my sister and my sister puts her business out in the street, but acts like she is concerned, but really she's not. I tell her to do something, like don't wear houseshoes outside that's not safe she'll walk right out there but let my sister tell her she does it with no back talk.iII am tired.One day when my daughter was angry with her she told me that my sister told her I never loved her from day one.If I didn't love this child she could have been left in the hospital. This is an ongoing fight never ending bull. I stay my distance I don't visit my sister at all.What kind of aunt says garbage like this?
A
male
reader, Thadeus74  +, writes (25 September 2012):
Lady, it seems to me you show little respect for your daughter as well: "a wet ass"? This is your DAUGHTER you're writing about, woman, where is the love gone?
I understand you're feeling helpless and maybe even worried and upset about her well-being and future, but you need to give her 2 things right now:
- trust in her own decisions, she's 19! Old enough to make HUGE mistakes, that's why you have to be there to catch her when she falls. That's your job, sorry to have to point it out.
- RESPECT. Even if she treats you like dirt (or you have JUDGED that she does, anyway), rise above it and treat her (and yourself) with dignity.
Try that. Then try harder. Then ask yourself what your true feelings for your daughter are, and how you can share your love (because that's what this should really be all about anyway) in more constructive ways.
Good luck!
Sincerely and Respectfully Yours,
Thadeus
...............................
A
female
reader, AuntyEm  +, writes (25 September 2012):
 My youngest daughter was behaving similarly from the age of 16. She began having sex with her boyfriend and disrespecting me. Up to that point I was providing for her, shelter, food, clothing...anything she needed.
When the disrespectful behaviour began, I tried talking to her...it didn't work, so I got tough, withdrew my money, my help and support and told her that if she continued to behave badly, she'd have to fund it herself.
It was hard to have to be so harsh on her and she stuck out the attitude for a couple years, I continued to keep contact her, reassured her that I loved her, but said she'd get no help all the while she was behaving like a brat...eventually she learned that continuing on the bratty path wasn't working, she changed when she was 18, went back to school and also got a job...she is 20 now and has just started a university degree...and she's a good girl who learned that life without the love of a supportive family was HARD.
Your daughter is a little older, but you should let her know that all the while she is treating you badly, you arn't going to help her...she will eventually learn.
...............................
A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (25 September 2012):
 Demoralising, energy sapping and confidence destroying.She is not your little girl anymore and sometimes it is hard to face another day when you look at how little respect she gives you. Zilch, I imagine? At the same time you love her dearly and don't want to feel you are abandoning her nor pushing her away.Some children grow to be more headstrong, more lacking in empathy, more inconsiderate than others.Some blame the parenting but that is too much of a generalisation for me.Because I have seen able, caring kind parents produce children who they treat equitably yet one is out of control (offending) while the other is kind and considerate towards others.However i do think some parents 'Give' to their children too much (emotionally, too willing to find excuses for them, not insisting on BOUNDARIES being respected)When you set Boundaries your child will likely "act up" hoping to change your mind, pushing and attempting to badger you to see it their way.Stay firm.Your Boundaries should be respected.Stay Calm and don't waver.Your Boundaries are not negotiable. Boundaries are about respecting what is important to you.Remind your child that you are a person, not a open purse to meet their every whim. When a child starts to believe (erroneously) that they are so superior in every way, to their parents, that is when I think trouble starts to bubble over.When a child has not learnt boundaries (or chosen to forget the boundaries when they reach puberty) that is when a major Lack of Respect attitude starts to impact on the parent/adolescent relationship.So first things first.You need to start putting YOU first.Look after you first.Set some boundaries.Tell your daughter one boundary at a time and the consequences if she over-steps a boundary.And TRULY MEAN what you say.Hold off on directly criticizing the loser boyfriend. But certainly focus on any negative actions he does that upset her.Don't give her solutions - she has to work those out for herself.But you can drive home the message about things he does to her that upset her by exclaiming with shock in your voice, 'you mean to say that he vomitted all over your lovely top? The one you love so much? Oh that is so gross? What? He didn't even care to help you when you collapsed in the gutter, drunk? Oh darling what a cruel callous thing to do to you dear. I am so sorry you had to suffer that'Hold your tongue on solutions. Just demonstrate empathy for anything she reveals that you can use to sow doubt in her mind about him.Keep the communication channels open.Be realistic though - the Bf has no respect for you. Your daughter currently has little respect for you.So don't leave valuables nor private papers around. Consider you have two people hostile towards you when they are in your home.Don't try to do things to impress your daughter - she will not care. Right now she is in 'take, take, take' mode. Be matter of fact about those consequences. Sleep with your money under your mattress under your pillow. Because money is what your daughter will seek from you on a regular basis.Next time she asks for money tell her you are flat broke.If she threatens any dire consequences to you if you refuse to give her money then act unconcerned, hunch your shoulders and point out that you have none to give. Suggest she get a part time job.I imagine she has stopped giving you a birthday or Christmas present? Fine. You stop too.Point out that you thought birthdays and Christmas presents were not important to her, since she gives you nothing.She leaves her room in a mess? Do not enter the hazard zone. But at the end of the week strip her sheets and leave her a new set, folded in a pile on top of her mattress. She is old enough to make her bed. She uses bad language at you? Tell her there are consequences. If she really likes something or wants something then let her know you will consider that request once she can manage 14 days in a straight row without bad language. Be very firm about this,Go out for the day on your day off. Without her. Visit an art gallery or somewhere nice, take a homemade lunch with you. Start planning some enjoyable inexpensive excursions that put some joy into your day.When your daughter is rude or disrespectful be very factual and calm.State the unacceptable action. No emotion.State the consequences - calmly.Implement the consequences.Then walk away from you daughter.You mean business.You are calm and in control.Don't argue back and forth.Don't escalate it with personal attacks.Don't engage her in more conversation.Just implement the consequences and ignore her. Even if she rants and raves on.You are retraining your daughter. warn the neighbors about some possible noise. Do not worry about what the neighbors will think. In six months time the neighbors may be asking, 'how did you do it?'Keep communication open and positive with your daughter, but don't put yourself out for her. She has to learn to face real life and that all actions have consequences.Praise her very sincerely and with great passion when she does do something good. Tell her immediately if she does something that makes you proud. Praise her immediately for any co-operative behaviour.Public praise, immediate, sincere and from the heart.She does something stupid in front of others? (as long as she is not in immediate danger - if she was you would have to take action) then when you are there: Give her no attention. Don't respond, walk out the room without comment.Later, when things are calmer, tell her in private how her actions disappointed you. And, if appropriate at that point, impose consequences. And mean it.Tossing her to the wolves is something you might end up regretting.Don't try to directly alienate her away from her boyf.Be pleasant to him. But don't make it easy for him.Don't be unpleasant to him. But don't feel you have to provide him with meals and support.Your daughter has no doubt connected with him because he shares some of her current values and attitudes.If you can whiteant the relationship by putting doubts into your daughter's mind then do it.Recognise that your daughter is getting an emotional 'reward' (sex maybe?) from this relationship with her Bf.If you ever get an opportunity to have a coffee with just you and your daughter then seize the day and get her talking. Listen without judging her.The more you oppose and be critical of the Bf the more you help preserve the relationship. If you ever find very small quantities of illicit drugs in your premises then destroy the illicit items and do what you have to do so she is in no doubt about your opposition to illicit drugs. If you ever find a large quantity left with your daughter for 'safe keeping' then go to the Police and seek their support to deal with it. Try to stay calm and positive.One day she will appreciate that you are not judgemental.Try not to lower the bar so low that she cannot attain impossible standards.But stop covering for her when she is out of control at home.She is rude, disrespectful to you and expects you to give it all to her.That's not how real life is.So gently guide id you can. Public prasise,Privare correction.Be kind to you always.Underneath the layers of disrespect your little girl has been changing into a young woman. Granted she is still a teen, but in the eyes of the law she is an adult.She has to be guided towards the realisation (that she has to discover) that her Bf is bad news. But don't tell her, let her discover it for herself.She may even be depressed - if you can get her to the Doctor for a full check up.Speak to the Dr privately about your concerns. And mention the Bf so the Doctor can reinforce the message about safe sex. The Doctor will see her alone but will be pre-briefed by you .And keep on being firm about the standards you expect - and the immediate consequences for any disrespectful out burst by your daughter.But dont offer the 'my way or the high way' as your daughter might just take up that suggestion. But never forgive you for issuing that ultimatum.Let your daughter know, in private, regularly that you love her dearly. But that you do not appreciate her behaviour/actions/disrespectful words. Refuse to debate or argue over your statement to your daughter. Just keep on sticking to your goal of helping your daughter to recognize her behaviour is unacceptable. And walk away for her to cool her heels..Best wishes. It will not be easy and may take another five years. But once she does understand, then hopefully she will appreciate your love, and that you were always there for your daughter, even if she was out of control, and even when she was abusive.And that you love her so much that you never ever gave up on her, because you love her.
...............................
A
female
reader, Read-the-signs +, writes (25 September 2012):
My reaction is that she is still fairly young. But while she stays under your roof with you supporting her, she needs to play by your rules. She probably won't be with that guy for long, and hopefully it will be a learning curve for her and she will look for better later.
Try to be firm, fair and supportive rather than aggressive with her. And if no improvement, tell her she'll have to be shown the door at 21 if she doesn't respect you or your home.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 September 2012): I don't think your daughter disrespectful in that she has chosen the wrong guy. I can feel your frustration though, and it must be very difficult. The work climate in Britain is very low for teenagers, though I don't know what's like in your area.. But I encourage our son and he's 19teen to do as much as he can and he autistic .. He washes cars and cuts lawns, helps lay bedding plants, any money he makes he keeps and uses for extra stuff that he wants.
Why can't your daughter babysit, wash cars, you know every little helps, get a part time job if possible, return to college to train in a career, and as for her bf that will run its course in time.. I wouldn't kick her out, that not my nature.
Wishing you all the best
...............................
A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (25 September 2012):
 Aged 19 she should start to learn to look after herself - she shouldnt rely on you OR her boyfriend. Has your daughter got a job? Is she going to school/college?
Just because your daughter has a boyfriend you dont like doesnt make her disrespectful, it just means she has made a poor choice in boyfriend. We all at some point in our lives get into relationships with unsuitable people, and we all learn a lesson from that. Ok so it might take a while, but she will learn for herself that her boyfriend is a waste of space - no young woman is going to want to stick around with a boyfriend who lives with his mom all his life and never works. All girls eventually want to move in with their boyfriends, save up some money together so they can go on holiday, they want nice presents from their boyfriends at birthday and xmas etc....so eventually she will get sick and tired of this boyfriend who cant afford to buy her anything, who cant afford to take her out anywhere and who cant afford to progress their relationship any further.
You are her mother, and you have to stand by her through thick and thin. The teenage years are hard, but you will get through it eventually and your relationship with her will get better. Dont even think about throwing her out, that is incredibly unfair when it doesnt sound like she has actually dont much wrong.
What you need to do is make sure she is learning to stand on her own two feet. If she hasnt got a job already, then you need to sit her down and make sure that she starts looking for a job, otherwise there will be repercussions. So if she doesnt get a job in xx months (you decide, but be fair - I would suggest 2 or 3 months) then you will stop paying for certain things, this could be no more paying for her cell phone, no more paying for gas for her to use the car, no more allowance for clothes/going out etc...she needs to understand that unless she starts earning her keep, then you wont be paying for her to have a nice life anymore.
If she already has a job, then simply start transitioning who pays for what. So you stop paying her cell phone, stop paying for gas/cars, stop buying her clothes, stop her allowance basically so she has to spend the money she earns wisely.
But NEVER, EVER tell her that she needs her boyfriend to be supporting her and paying for her - this is the 21st century, girls should be tought by their mothers how to be an independent woman and never rely on anyone else for anything. You are setting the example for her, so show her how to manage her money, how to budget, how to put money aside to save up for nice things. She should be an independent young woman who relies on no-one for the things she wants, not you and definitely not her boyfriend.
In fact the boyfriend is pretty irrelevant in all of this, he is not important and while you dont like him, he has no relevance to your daughter's dependency on you. YOU need to sort the relationship out with your daughter, re-establish some boundaries and make sure she is putting plans together for her future. While you cant force her to do anything, you can cut out luxuries that you give her until she realises she has to start making an effort herself if she wants anything nice.
I hope this helps and good luck!
...............................
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (25 September 2012):
 I think even a better idea than telling her to make him do for her, would be teaching her to do for herself.
Crummy boyfriends come and go, and parents ( very reasonably ) get sick and tired to support financially their kids forever- so the kids at some point need to become independent and learn to do for themselves without hoping in a generous partner , who may appear or may not.
Is your daughter working ? If not, why ? Is she at least tryng hard to get a job, sending applications out, etc. ? If she does work... what does she spend all her money on and why does not she help you with the bills ? Is she at least going to school to learn a trade/ become more marketable on the job market ?
She NEEDS badly to do these things, regardless of the lousy and broke bf.
I imagine that you don't really look forward to kick your daughter out to fend off for herself with no food and no shelter, that's a tough decisiosn to take ( even if in some cases, the parents are so at the end of their rope that they feel they can't do differently and I don't blame them )
I think maybe you should give her a timeline , say , 6 months, to sort herself out,-if she cannot make it, she is out of the door for good . And to make sure you are taken seriously, keep providing her strictly the means for survival , in terms of food and shelter, but absolutely nothing, nothing else. No money for gas , magazines ,toiletries, going out. No clothing , no cell phone, no access to your landline or PC. I think that will show her it's time to get busy.
...............................
|
