A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:To keep it brief, a married man who works in the same field as me has been flirting and inappropriate since an event a few months ago. I have no intention of doing anything untoward and keep steering things back to a professorial level in our communications. Today he told me that he's going to be at the same conference that I'm going to with a colleague. The conference is out of town and for 3-4 days. Alarm bells are ringing. I've discussed this/ him with 2 colleagues who know him better than me. They agree he's being inappropriate. I have a feeling he's going to take things a step further (or try to) at the conference. I'm socially awkward/ anxious, which is what got me into this situation - I thought I was just having a nice chat with him one evening at an after work dinner thing. He's entertaining and funny, but I don't go for married men! He seems to have got the wrong impression. I thought I was doing a great job at networking (for a change), he even offered me a job at his place of work. But then it got weird. So, if he does get more nappropriate or make a move, how do I give him a polite brush off that isn't going to make either of us embarrassed? I can't just tell him to eff off, because I'll see him again. In fact I'm obliged to visit his place of work a few weeks after the conference. I don't want to make a name for myself in this small field. Not least because I really want to a new job (not with him). I'm cringing because this makes me so uncomfortable and I don't want to mess up. I have a history of being caught up in flattery/ validation, and I have learnt I have to nip anything in the bud as soon as it happens, but not sure of the etiquette when it comes to work/ someone in the same profession. I know this sounds a bit daft and immature.Thanks for any help!
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female
reader, KC12  +, writes (14 October 2013):
 It's one thing to be nice, and friendly to a co-worker...it's another thing entirely to invite inappropriate attention. If you've tried your best to show you're not interested, and are just being polite and he's still persisting you might have to come out and tell him "Look, I'm not interested. I'm never going to be interested in anything more than a professional acquaintanceship with you." If that doesn't work, you may have to be more forceful about it and tell him to buzz off. Furthermore, you shouldn't worry if you are offending him or not. He is the one who is being inappropriate, and offending you. Yes, situations like these are awkward. And, sometimes you just have to toughen up and be prepared to tell the person flat out "NO!" and remind them that "NO MEANS NO!" If they persist...Don't worry about this affecting your career...in fact, it might help (oddly enough). Being assertive, and affirmative may help you to avoid being in situations like this in the future. Everyone will know that you are not one to put up with that crap.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 October 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHa ha tjazzy, you are right about his "horny perch". I am too quiet and also a people pleaser. These horn dogs spot me a mile away :/
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A
female
reader, tjazzy  +, writes (8 October 2013):
Better be prepared to cause offence unless you're ready to be really uncomfortable for a reeally long time. You will not be guilty of anything and he will keep his distance. He's a dog and is trying to take advantage of your quiet nature to do something he knows is very wrong. BE PREPARED TO CAUSE OFFENCE because he really needs someone to knock him off his horny perch. Ok?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 October 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTisha-1, you're right, the repercussions will be on him. But the plan is to avoid it getting to that stage. I'd rather avoid a scene or any confrontation. Though if he does try anything, I have some ideas of what to say now.
I don't think I did flirt with him, we just had an interesting conversation about work stuff and he invited me to visit his place of work to see what equipment they use (because we need new equipment), and he expressed an interest in offering me a job because they're short staffed and I have the relevant experience and qualifications. All that should be within the realms of normal professional networking. But then emails with kisses at the end and talks of going for dinner started arriving....and then he asked if I was going to the conference, and after I replied that both me and my colleague would be going he replied "C U there".
Anyway! Thanks everyone! I know this is minor and I'm worrying too much about something that might not even happen as long as I am careful. It shouldn't be difficult to put him in his place but for some reason it feels awkward. I appreciate the help.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (8 October 2013):
 The repercussions for him are he's shown up to be a big ol' cheater! Your repercussions are you show integrity and resolve.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 October 2013): Be clear you are not interested and to knock it off. You can say it tactfully, respectfully and at no time should you worry about how he's feeling about it. That's HIS problem, not yours. You remain professional, be cordial and you have done what you need to do.
Do NOT worry about his pride. If he had any, he would not be crossing these boundaries as a married man.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (8 October 2013):
 You ask: "how do I give him a polite brush off that isn't going to make either of us embarrassed?"
You don't have to worry a whit about embarrassing him. HE'S MARRIED!!! Any "advance" or inappropriate measure that he takes toward you... ENTITLES him to be embarrassed.....!!!!!
He isn't ENTITLED to sociatal niceties... HE'S a CHEATING DOG.....
So... don't worry about your "question"... not a bit...
Good luck...
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (8 October 2013):
 If you flirted back with him, which it sounds like you did until he started pressing the issue beyond flirting and making things uncomfortable, then you need to tell him this:
"Listen, I'm sorry if I gave you the impression that I was interested in more than friendship, and I'm sorry if you felt led on, but because you are married, you and I will never ever have any chance, and just so we're clear, I do not want to be involved with a married man, and there is no chance of changing my mind. You are a great guy and all, but your wife deserves your affection and attention."
That's it. It's gentle, the apology allows him to save face and so preserves the ego, but it's firm enough to not give him any hope.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (8 October 2013):
What about YOUR pride?
Does your opinion not matter? Does your comfort not matter?
Guys like this know they deserve to be swatted down. I expect he's waiting for you to do it, and when you do, it'll be no big deal. They try it on with lots of women but only a few succumb.
Stop worrying so much about he's going to take a rejection and start wondering why you aren't angry that you have to put up with such nonsense.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 October 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks Tisha-1. It's not so much about hurting his feelings but about about possible repurcussions because of the small field we work in. I guess it's about hurting his pride.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 October 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks Tisha-1. It's not so much about hurting his feelings but about about possible repurcussions because of the small field we work in. I guess it's about hurting his pride.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 October 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks Tisha-1. It's not so much about hurting his feelings but about about possible repurcussions because of the small field we work in. I guess it's about hurting his pride.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (7 October 2013):
 I would just tell him :"Buster I'm not interested in you at all, you are a colleague so stick to work or appropriate topics, please". Or simply tell him:" Sorry, I don't like to be "hit on" by married men" and walk away.
Now either statement MIGHT offend him ,but if YOU just keep it polite and professional, he is the one looking like the creep.
Unless you ACTUALLY have to converse with him, I would stay away from situations where you two are alone.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (7 October 2013):
"John, what on earth are you saying? I'm sorry if there was any misunderstanding on your part but there will be nothing but a professional relationship here. I don't mess around with married men.""John, I'm utterly floored that you took a bit of light flirting as some sort of invitation to pursue an affair. You have got the wrong end of the stick. Now stop it before things get embarrassing for us both."The idea that you have to protect his feelings is just not necessary. He's a grown man, a married man who apparently is willing to cross boundaries. You are not going to hurt his feelings or offend him. He knows what he's doing is wrong. What he needs is to be put in his place, firmly and without hesitation.Avoid him at the conference, stay professional, it honestly isn't that difficult.
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