A
male
age
51-59,
*parise825
writes:I am not sure what to do...My girlfriend have been fighting a lot lately. I have an ex-wife and 2 children with her, we communicate on a semi-regular basis (my ex wife) about the kids, their grades, behavior or events. Sometime we have small talk while I wait for the kids to get ready or if we attend something for the kids together (as in there at the same time). Or what ever may come up with them. She finds this communication unacceptable, she says the communication should be having with my ex is strictly about the kids, no small talk no texts saying how excited she is about my daughters first homecoming. I simply do not agree with this, she is the mother of my children, I have to communicate with her. This fight occurs EVERY time, the time comes to get my kids. Her and I had planned to attend a wedding last Saturday, so she took the time off work (she is a waitress) so we could attend. I originally thought the wedding was at 5pm. It was both of my daughters homecoming and one of my daughters were in the parade. So my girlfriend planned to go and take pictures and see the kids. Anyway, my youngest daughter is a competitive swimmer and we found out last minute she qualified to go to county, so this was a real exciting thing for me. So thinking the wedding was at 5 I thought we (my girlfriend and I) could go see her meet then go ahead as planned with the pictures and the wedding. Well the wedding was at 12:45 so this is where the problem came in.I asked her (my girlfriend) if she wanted to go to the swim meet...but we would have to get up early like 6 am get ready drive down and (1hr) take her to her school and car pool to the meet. She reminded me that she had to work late that Friday and wouldn't be home until close to mid night and that she wasn't going to do that with minimal sleep and a long day. So I said I wanted to go see her (my daughter) it was an exciting day.However, by doing that my girlfriend would not have been able to attend the wedding because the meet is at 10am she (my daughter) has to swim, get dressed and we have to drive 40 min to her homecoming football game and drop her off, by this time it will be close to time for the wedding and we (my girlfriend and I) live an hour away. So she was not able to attend...And she flipped out about how she was so hurt and I did this to her and how I was selfish for going. I seize any opportunity I have to see my kids. Anyway she said well you can see your kids whenever you want and you didn't go to all the other swim meets..She gets enraged and this is something ongoing, and I am thinking about leaving...
View related questions:
ex-wife, my ex, text, wedding Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Soconfusedanymore +, writes (10 October 2013):
 I am a mother, and also a girlfriend. First of all, you should have good communication with the mother of your kids. And yes, kids should be a #1 priority. But with that, you did have plans for a wedding. People pay for the # of people attending. She took off from work. I read she doesn't make a huge amount of money, so this probably hurt her income considering she has 5 kids. You both have kids, and honestly, this wedding was probably her escape from the everyday grind she is used to. She not only has her 5 kids, no help from her kids dad, has to also deal with the everyday goings on with your kids, your ex, her job. Do you understand what I'm trying to say? Id say she probably has some jealous tendancies with your ex. I don't even think it has to deal fully with the kids. She already feels on the back burner with the kids, and it seems she really has kind of accepted that. I don't think she wants to be on the backburner with the ex too. Yes, you do have to be civil with the ex, but you also have to take the gfs feelings into consideration. She herself has a lot going on. And I commend you for helping her, it has to be hard with everything on your plate. You seem like an excellent father, and I'm sure she admires that about you. It's either you guys sit down and have a long talk about how this whole relationship can work, and I do suggest couples therapy, or if you truly are frustrated, then part ways. It is that simple. Just know any woman would've been upset regarding the wedding. You can't always push her aside, because that does hurt. If you guys do stay together there has to be some kind of balance between the kids, and the relationship.
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (9 October 2013):
 Does the father(s) of her 5 kids note help out at all financially? If not I can imagine the strain on the relationship when it comes to money.
The thing is, you do not sound at all happy in it, but somehow feel obligated because she can't take care of herself & kids on her own. That is not a good situation for you. Add her insecurities about your ex and her not "getting" that you kids are #1 for you, it might be a relationship worthy of saving. Only you can really know how you feel about her & the situation.
...............................
A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (8 October 2013):
So, what are you going to do? If you're not happy then leave, especially if you don't think you ever could be happy.
...............................
A
male
reader, aparise825 +, writes (8 October 2013):
aparise825 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for all the good advice, and sorry for the confusion in my writing, things are so complicated. One question asked was did i start dating her before my ex and I were divorced...Yes I have been divorced 13 years. My girlfriend has 5 kids and an ex she doesn't communicate with, so she feels that's the standard. She is a waitress, and when I got into the relationship, I thought wow if she is supporting 5 kids and bills she must make pretty good money so with my money we would be able to save. Well that's not the case...she told me she makes 34k a year however, during the summer months she makes hardly nothing and then it picks up closer to the holidays. So pays payments on her bills year round then when taxes come she pays them off and the cycle starts again. she is not able to contribute half, all my money is going to her bills and the house and I cant fulfill my responsibility's of my bills. So in essence she can not take care of herself...it is frustrating...
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 October 2013): I think you were in the wrong regarding the swim meet and wedding. I know this is opposite to what everyone else is saying which is that your gf should always come in last after your kids but I disagree because no relationship can survive if one person always puts the other last. Why even be in a relationship? It depends on how often you drop your gf in favor of your kids. If you are always putting her last then I think you are not ready to be in a relationship. Basically the wedding was something you had agreed in advance to attend with your gf. Your gf took time off work so she could attend the wedding presumably with you. She was counting on you.Then at the last minute you changed your mind on her. It wasnt an emergency. That's pretty rude. why even make plans then? I get that you just found out about your daughters swim meet. But you still had already made a commitment to someone else so that should come first unless it is an emergency or other truly exceptional situation. Kids shouldnt trump everything and everyone else all the time.Basically if you ALWAYS put your kids ahead of your gf then why even have a gf? Wait until your kids are grown before seeking a relationship.Basically she has a right to be upset that you made a commitment to do something with her, she went out of her way to get ready for it based on your commitment that you were in it too, and then last minute you changed your mind. The fact that it had to do with seeing your kid is only part of the issue. It is you not keeping commitments that is the problem. So from now on everytime your gf tries to make plans with you, you should be clear that when you say yes it can still change at anytime even without an emergency but depending on if something new comes up with your kids? What if you were still married to your ex wife (the mother of the kids) and your wife and you had made plans to attend her friends wedding and then last minute you changed your mind because of the same swim meet? Just because your ex is the mother of the kids doesn't necessarily mean she would have dropped her friend's wedding for the kids' swim meet. So your gf had a right to expect you to honor your commitments to her. If a one time thing she should understand. But if you are always doing this then it isn't her fault for being upset rather it means YOU are not ready to be in a relationship. It isn't fair to expect a girlfriend to put YOUR life ahead of hers all the time just because you have kids. That's an unequal relationship.Of course as a parent you should often put your kids first. But if you are always ditching your gf for your kids then it means you are not in a position to be having a gf. I disagree with other posters here who seem to think it is OK to be in a relationship and always put your partner last behind your kids. Marriages based on this principle usually are unhappy ones even where both spouses are the parents. When married spouses always put the kids first and each other last that's when the marriage falls apart. The marriage then exists only as a parenting mechanism. (But you dont need a marriage just to raise kids) Child-centered marriages are unhealthy. So similarly if you are going to advertise yourself as being available for a adult relationship you have to put your new partner as a priority at least some of the time. Otherwise don't be in a relationship. It is rude to make commitments and then change your mind at the last minute (NOT talking about emergencies or truly exceptional situations) . You are sending your gf the message that she only exists to serve your companionship needs when it is convenient for you and your kids.
...............................
A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (8 October 2013):
I don't really understand your story, but it's irrelevant to my advice.
You don't have to dump her yet, you need to give her an ultimatum: either knock it off or your gone. The next time she yells about you spending time with your kids or talking about little things with your ex, you'll take it as a sign that the two of you just aren't compatible and leave her.
Period, no hard feelings. Since this is obviously important to you, do not negotiate with her and don't bend.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (7 October 2013):
Well, I think you are dating a woman who doesn't understand that your FIRST priority is your kids. (which is how it should be for a parent).
BUT I do think you shot yourself in the foot by not paying more attention to the time of the wedding and then the swim meet. You DID make plans with your GF FIRST, and you need to understand that NO woman will accept ALWAYS being put second on your list. I would too have been pissed about you deciding on the spur of the moment that you needed to be there for THAT ONE swim meet over her wedding, that YOU had already accepted going with her too. That is totally BAD form.
With that said, I think she is being irrational about what you can talk to your ex-wife about and what you can't. Being civil with the mother of your children is a good thing. As long as you don't talk about YOUR new or YOUR past relationships with the ex I don't see the harm, unless of course you are constantly texting/calling the ex-wife or she is constantly texting/calling you.
Did you start dating her BEFORE you divorced or after? Because that might be some of the reason too.
It IS very hard to be the new woman to a guy who already has a family, because he WILL prioritize differently.
...............................
A
male
reader, no nonsense Aidan  +, writes (7 October 2013):
I got confused with all those different times and arrangements myself there!
So let’s stick to the key point: your girlfriend is struggling to accept that your kids will always come first and it can’t be any other way. Sometimes the new partner resents the kids from the previous relationship, at other times the issue with the kids is that they come with an ex, and that’s what causes the problem. She might know this is the case but can’t cope with the implications of this for a relationship with you. You’re absolutely right to keep civil and friendly with your ex wife. You created life together and that is a bond between you that will always exist. It is understandable that a new partner will find this hard: whatever way you look at it, however much you might like them, a kid is the ultimate in-your-face reminder that you shared a past and went through something profoundly life-changing, with some-one else, a some-one else who will therefore always be significant in your life.
Unfortunately though, part of the deal to be with you is that she has to try. There’s no point you trying to find compromises that I just don’t think are going to be there. Of course I’d encourage you to be firm about the kind of relationship you want to maintain with your ex, but also make sure you are putting quality time aside for you and your girlfriend, away from exes, kids, jobs and everything else. Maybe you’d have better and more frank conversations if you devoted time to reminding each other that you’re important to one another.
The ultimate price of her being unable to accept your boundaries, though, is that the relationship can’t survive. It’s worth talking it over and calmly trying to explore this with her before you do anything drastic though, maybe even with a neutral relationships counsellor who can provide a controlled space for you to do this.
I wish you all the very best.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 October 2013): "I seize any opportunity I have to see my kids."
As any parent should.
If your girlfriend is jealous or resentful or envious of any time you spend with your children, then that is a deal breaker and she needs to go. Period. No discussion, no negotiation.
When you are a single parent of minor children kids always come first, love life second.
...............................
A
female
reader, Brokenv  +, writes (7 October 2013):
Just because you and your ex wife are no longer together doesn't mean you can't be friends. I totally agree with you. You will see you ex in the future for a lot of things. Your daughters graduation, competitions, weddings, birth of your grandchildren. I think you see where I'm going with this. If your gf doesn't understand this now, she is not going to be understanding in the future. I think it is so important for you to have that healthy relationship with your ex. It is important for your daughters to have two mature adults that love, care and support them together. So long of the short of it. If I were you, she would be gone. If you and I were together I would encourage that relationship. Your daughters milestones would be ours together to celebrate.
...............................
|
