A
female
age
41-50,
*hylee
writes:I love my "fiance" to death, but since we have been living together, and especially now that I have a ring on my finger, I have been taking our problems more seriously.Here's my thing.. my parents raised me to be responsible. I always keep on top of the bills and even pay early if I can, I make a calendar every month so I know when everything is due and how much money I need to have. I have some minor credit card debt but I realize it will soon be time to start saving for house/family/etc and that a credit score is important for the future. I'm 26 years old.Here's his thing.. his parents completely failed to teach him responsibility, and continue to spoil him (he's 23 years old). They just bought him a brand new car, they paid off his credit card debt, and send him money every so often. They clean up all his messes, so he has no clue what being an adult means. He used to just toss out bills like they'd disappear, now I have to nag him, and he will never pay them before late at night on the date they are due. He lives paycheck to paycheck and doesn't keep up with his finances at all. He will set up bills so they come out of his account monthly and not send a statement, so he doesn't even have to think to check up on how much they are taking out. He will overspend on his debit card (he doesn't have a credit card anymore), and it will be up to me to cover everything until his next payday. When they send him overdraft notices in the mail, he will hide them from me. The most recent example of his irresponsibility: He is currently on vacation visiting his family. A week ago, I put a tally on his computer desk of his portion of the rent he owes (which was more than normal since he owes me $200). With it, I put a note asking him to make sure he can cover this amount. Yesterday evening (when rent is due), I get a text saying he doesn't have enough money and needs me to pay more. So not only did he mismanage his finances yet again, and waited until the last minute, he totally ignored my request because he was too lazy and stupid to care. It's almost as if he is physically unable to do anything smart that might prevent a problem.The main problem is, he just doesn't understand what the big deal is about all of this. He's defensive and his attitude is that his financial situation is none of my business. He will get a childish attitude and say "MMMK" to everything I say when I express to him that I cannot live like this. He stresses me out and I can't imagine what it's going to be like when we actually have real expenses like a house and kids... but he is of the opinion that it's just all in my head and I drive myself crazy. He has no concern how stressful it is for me to be the only person with brains in this relationship. I have to treat him like a child, and it is truly taking its toll on me, as I am developing a lot of resent inside.It would be one thing if he was consciously aware that he is making bad decisions, but he just doesn't care. He has no value of being responsible and unless he can change, I don't see any financial stability in our future. I don't see us being able to purchase a house, afford a child, or even a wedding.In his defense: We have a good relationship, and when we get along, we get along great. He most definitely has his jerk moments, but most of the time he treats me like a princess. He pays water, cable, internet, and power. That was an arrangement we came to when moved in together, since he made more money and got money from his parents, and I had bills that he did not (car, insurance, etc). I do all of the housework (except take out the trash and scoop the litterbox) because if he had it his way we would live in a pigpen. Neither of us can imagine being with anyone else, even though if he does not change his ways, he will push me out the door. I'm already at the point where I know if it would be easy for me to leave, I would probably already be gone.So, how can we work together at coming to a financial agreement if he doesn't even see the importance in being responsible in the first place? How can I communicate with him so that instead of blaming me for stressing out, he sees that his lack of accountability affects my life too, and especially will IF we get married? How do I get him to GROW UP?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 September 2009): i agree with previous writer.my boyfriend is completely useless with money too.nothing has changed in 3 years!! we now have a joint account and all our money goes in there.i have dd's set to come out as soon as wages go in etc then i personally go to bank and take out our living expenses then he can do what he likes with the rest.your boyfriend shouldnt then have to be bailed out by mum and dad cause everythings paid for already and if they do give him anything its just spending money and male pride might one day kick in!!hopefully
A
male
reader, Perspicacious  +, writes (2 September 2009):
I suspect there is nothing you can do to get him to "grow up". The normal advice would be to let him learn from his own mistakes and to stop helping him avoid them, but it sounds like in his case his parents would just bail him out anyway.
Besides, changing someone is a long, frustrating and usually fruitless task.
But the real question is, why do you want to change him anyway? He has weaknesses definitely, but then everyone does, and it also sounds like he has plenty of strengths that you love.
If, for you, his weaknesses outweigh his strengths then it is time for you to accept that he isn't the right person for you, move on and find the person that is.
However, everyone you meet will have both good and bad points. The best relationships work well because each partner tolerates the weaknesses of the other and then compensates for them.
If he's not good with finances and you are then isn't the simplest solution to set things up so you control the finances and make sure the bills get paid and so on? And then, in return, let him take responsibility for something he can do for you? Isn't that what a partnership is all about - working together to create a unit stronger than you both are as individuals?
If you really can't tolerate his weaknesses (or he won't work with you to compensate for them) then save yourself the resentment that you are building up and the heartbreak it will undoubtedly cause in the future by getting out now before it gets any worse.
Good luck!
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A
female
reader, AlexCM +, writes (2 September 2009):
this problem made me smile. you sound very grown up and responsiable. but like you pointed out.. you were brought up like this where as he was not.
when he will grow up no one can answer, he will when he is ready infact he may not at all. but there is nothing you can do to change that. he proberly believes you are over reacting as he has different views and is not botherd by being organised or not.
the best you can do is try and talk to him and be paitent and be calm. but make you understand that it proberly will not make any difference at all. dont be too dissapointed if he doesnt understand. if this is the case you need to decide what you want..
good luck hun x
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