A
female
 ,
*ackie69
writes:I have been with my husdand for just over 6 years and we are newly wed only married for 5 months. I find I am increasingly getting down and upset as we have been living in a caravan for 5 years together on his parents farm and we now have a good deposit to buy a home, but he doesn't seem to want to! Every house we look at he doesn't like or makes an excuse why we can't buy it! I find myself crying most weekends the last month or two as I want to start a family and I can't in this situation. Any advice on how to get him to see the urgency? I'm not unreasonable but it is making me feel rather depressed now as I am getting on a bit at 32. Thanks
View related questions:
depressed Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (14 November 2018):
 Buying a house is not a "permanent" thing. If you don't like the neighbours, you can always sell the house and buy another. The decision is not irreversible.
Perhaps looking for a house which doesn't have too many immediate neighbours may help him take the leap?
A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 November 2018): Then he's in the middle, but you have to keep nudging him.
He'll just have to grow-up and get-over that thing about neighbors. Mom and dad don't compete with your wife. He's a man now.
With a new wife, a new home, and a family; he won't have a lot of time to worry about the neighbors! Nothing a good privacy fence or tall hedge won't fix!
So his parents ARE the culprits behind his dragging his feet. I told you it would be hard; but you don't give-up on him! No tears, use words of encouragement; and stay on top of it. Keep searching, don't settle for the first house you see.
He does have some legitimate concerns; because the neighbors and neighborhood do matter when you make such a huge investment and plan to raise a family.
Support him on that. You both have to be happy wherever you decide to buy and settle-down.
God bless and guide you, my dear!
...............................
A
female
reader, jackie69 +, writes (12 November 2018):
jackie69 is verified as being by the original poster of the question I have found out that his parents have been influencing and saying ' he doesn't want to leave or move far' - yes he does we need to! Haha.
Also he is concerned that if we buy a house in a street he won't like it after not really having neighbours. I am just anxious to build a home and family now as adults and not to be 'stuck in a rut' in which I feel we are.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 November 2018): I had to smile, reading the part where you describe you're "getting on a bit!" At the ripe-old age of 32! Perhaps the egg-timer is ticking!
I think hubby is afraid to leave the farm. People who grow-up in country-surroundings either never want to leave; or can't wait to get on the first bus or train outta there! It seems he might be hesitant thinking his family needs him there.
I think he's very attached to his parents, things are quiet, and he's very much content. No kids, no city pressures, peace, and quiet. Having fresh eggs, milk, and homegrown veggies everyday.
He doesn't want to grow-up, or leave the peaceful-setting of country-life. Kids mean getting a 9-5 job in the regular world, and they demand a lot. Children require adults as parents.
Home-ownership is a huge step; and it will mean moving-away, taking on a large debt, and keeping-up property taxes and mortgage payments. Leaving the only life he has ever known. He's content and complacent. His parents are nearby. He's also scared. If he has ever gone-away to college, or lived anywhere else; retreating to his parent's farm was always an option. Not much of an option; when he has his own home, and a family to support.
You have to keep urging and nudging him to move-out. Crying and all that serves no purpose. It's very dramatic, but not very persuasive. It's childish. You're a grown-woman and a wife. You need to exercise your wifely-authority.
You want to be a mother; so tears can't be your choice of weapons. You need backbone and grit. This should have all been established prior to marriage, and done according to plan. If he was ever hesitant, or pressured? You've reaped what you'v e sown!
You all should sit-down to consult with his parents; and see if they can offer some good old-fashioned marital-advice. Unless they've been working against you in the background. You'll soon find-out, if you'll seek their opinion. You need to figure-out if they have any stake in his leaving or staying.
Continue explaining, that if he wants kids; he has to consider how much more time that may be possible for you.
He has to also be reminded that he has a wife now; and as partners, you have your own lives to live. It's likely he may inherit his parents' farm, and he may be counting on that; rather than assuming his own debt and responsibility to purchase his own property.
I think he's going to be tough to convince. He's sitting on property, and he may be the beneficiary of his family property. It could be many years before that happens. Your in-laws may be secretly behind keeping him there. They would have to hire help to replace him; and they may not want him to move-away either. So he's in the middle of a tug-of-war. You on one-side, and his country-life/parents on the other.
What's his parents' opinion on all this? Surely they know you want a family and your own home? It would seem they would be urging him to start a family and get his own home.
...............................
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (12 November 2018):
Is it that your husband has just got into a rut of living in the caravan, or does he have genuine concerns about buying a house? Perhaps he is worried about the mortgage, or about moving away from his parents? Or perhaps he is worried about starting a family?
You two need to sit down and talk. Ask him about his concerns and LISTEN to the answer without trying to change his mind or trying to make him feel his concerns are not valid. To HIM they are valid. Stay calm and let him tell you what the problem is. Then explain to him why YOU want what you want and why you are concerned it is not happening. Hopefully you can sort this out but you need to talk.
...............................
A
female
reader, CherryR07 +, writes (12 November 2018):
32 is still quite young. Maybe focus on one thing at a time? Next time he makes an excuse, ask him what type of house he'd prefer. But try not to rush things yet. You may have been together for 6 years, but marriage is different. Maybe, if you had a kid first, it'd urge him to look for a place for you, the child and himself?
...............................
|
