A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I have been seeing a guy on and off for around 10 months, we’ve never gotten past the casual first stage due to him not being ready and so there have been gaps where we haven’t seen each other and dated other people, however always seem to come together again. About 2 months ago we started hanging out again but this time it was me that wasn’t quite ready, which he was fine with as we were open and honest, he wanted more but was happy to wait. When I did realise I wanted more to he changed his mind and I was gutted. We then stopped speaking, he has now messaged after saying that we should stop seeing/speaking to each other, asking how I am as a “friend”. This annoyed me as he and I both said we have not and will not ever be friends due to how we feel about each other (and the sex obviously). I didn’t reply and he messaged again saying he wanted me to know he gave a shit.I’m just so confused! Does he now just want to be friends? I don’t think I can or want to! Is it a game or is he scared of it going further? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 November 2018): This sounds just like a situation my friend has been in. He keeps going back to you because the dates or dating he has been doing amounts to nothing, in that it doesn't progress and so he goes back to you and vice versa I am guessing.
It isn't going to work, he will keep dangling the stick but it will amount to nothing, he keeps messing you around because he knows he isn't going to settle with you and is keeping his options open.
You need to cut him off (like my friend did and she gave him plenty of chances but he never changed) and get on with your life. You are still young, you're wasting your time on him so my advice is to forget about him, you know also that means as a friend, the waters have been dirtied on that score as well
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (12 November 2018):
 Stay "friends" if you want to keep repeating what you have been doing for the past 10 months, because that is what will happen.
If you two haven't managed to make a decent go of things in 10 months, it's time to stop tying up each other's lives and move on.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 November 2018): If there is sex in the picture, that might explain it all. Sometimes people want to keep certain benefits and/or options available; and they use friendship as a disguise in order to exploit the ambivalent-connection that remains. You're both a little co-dependent; but you're adults, and you know what you're doing.
Your relationship is very short. That usually means it's more based on the physical-aspects; than it may be tied to emotion-attachment. You tried it briefly, but it just wouldn't take. It's on and off. I guess when the dating pool dries up, you return to old-faithful!
It has now grown one-sided, and you're offended that he won't commit.
The relationship wasn't firmly established on emotional-attachment; so it's kind of all over the place.
I speculate that you've resigned yourself to making it more, but that could be "settling;" because there aren't any other available prospects at the moment. At least he's familiar and somewhat broken-in.
I think he just wants to be friends with benefits.
It's not a game, as much as it is a battle of wills. You wanting it to be one thing, and he wants it to be defined as another.
He's harboring resentment for the time he was vulnerable, and pursued you. You rejected him; so he feels letdown, and stupid. You're unreliable and fickle. He has since gotten over you; but he doesn't want to lose you as his emotional safety-net.
Best you both go your separate ways. A pattern of breaking-up and making-up has been set; and co-dependency can keep this erratic and undefined-relationship going-on for years.
It's possible that the window of opportunity to make something more meaningful of it has closed; judging by how you've described his behavior.
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (12 November 2018):
 Why are you wasting your time on someone who can’t make his mind up? What are you getting out of this?
How can you not be ready to date someone after ten months? What you’re doing is pointless. Block him and move on.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (12 November 2018):
 You two are wasting each other's time. Quite frankly.
He shouldn't have dated you in the first place if he wasn't READY to date and YOU should have dropped him as soon as he uttered the "I'm not ready to date" IF you were looking for a BF.
Just wish him well and move on. then block, delete etc.
It's been 10 months, and neither of you feel sure about the other and moving forward here... I mean how long would you wait for someone to be "ready"?
And personally? I wouldn't have sex with someone who isn't ready or willing to DATE me.
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