A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My wife of a decade will not respond to me sexually at all. She used to be very fit but now she has gained a lot of weight (from 100lbs to maybe 150 lbs). I still think she is sexy, but she says she hates her body. I can understand why she feels that way since her clothes don't fit and so on. However, I don't understand why she abuses me. She will not have sex with me except rarely. Last time we had sex has October so you do the math. It was maybe October a year before since the time before that.What is worse than the refusal is that she is actually mean to me. Recently I tried to initiate sex with her by lying next to her and caressing her curves and she told me after about a minute that it was "useless and gross" for me to be doing that. She makes comments like this all the time: "It doesn't feel good.""Just get away.""Leave me alone.""I don't want to have sex anymore.""You are gross."It is to the point that not only do we not have sex, but she is downright mean and insulting to me. I have about had it. I can deal with her feelings of insecurity, but I can't deal with her abuse at the same time I am not getting any. It makes me feel like I am being unreasonable and it really makes me question her love for me when she says hateful things like this. What wife says this?! To me this is very hurtful and abusive on top of her already pulling away physically! Outside of the bedroom things are deteriorating as well, but I wonder how much is a symptom? I am certainly a lot less patient and kind than I used to be that's for damn sure! We threaten to leave each other often over this issue with her saying I make too big a deal about sex and me saying that she is withholding all affection from me without a good reason. Her excuse is that I am angry and abusive and mine is that I sure as hell didn't start out that way but she's not helping her case any! What can we do? I can't live like this anymore and she probably can't either!
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female
reader, jls022  +, writes (16 July 2015):
Male anon - several people have already told him to leave if that's what he wants to do. If he just wants 'permission' to leave her because of this, then he absolutely has it. However, if he wants to FIX it, then he will have to change tactics.
Regardless of what many people think or wish was true, you can't MAKE someone do something they don't want to. All you can change are your own actions, which is why we've been suggesting things HE can do.
His wife doesn't want to have sex with him at the moment, and anger and blame will certainly not change that. Nor will telling her she should do it to please him because she is his wife. None of those things are addressing the problem, which is that the desire isn't there any more, and in a couple who were previously sexually active there is usually an underlying reason for that.
So you can feel free to tell the OP that it's all her fault and that he shouldn't have to try to fix this because she's the monster that's withholding sex from her long suffering husband, but that advice will NEVER convince her to have sex with him again if that is his goal. I actually feel really sorry for the OP as he's obviously upset, but he must also remember that a woman's sexual desire is generally a lot more complicated than a man's and often the old saying works well with it - you will catch a lot more flies with honey than vinegar.
A
female
reader, jls022 +, writes (16 July 2015):
Male anon - several people have already told him to leave if that's what he wants to do. If he just wants 'permission' to leave her because of this, then he absolutely has it. However, if he wants to FIX it, then he will have to change tactics.
Regardless of what many people think or wish was true, you can't MAKE someone do something they don't want to. All you can change are your own actions, which is why we've been suggesting things HE can do.
His wife doesn't want to have sex with him at the moment, and anger and blame will certainly not change that. Nor will telling her she should do it to please him because she is his wife. None of those things are addressing the problem, which is that the desire isn't there any more, and in a couple who were previously sexually active there is usually an underlying reason for that.
So you can feel free to tell the OP that it's all her fault and that he shouldn't have to try to fix this because she's the monster that's withholding sex from her long suffering husband, but that advice will NEVER convince her to have sex with him again if that is his goal. I actually feel really sorry for the OP as he's obviously upset, but he must also remember that a woman's sexual desire is generally a lot more complicated than a man's and often the old saying works well with it - you will catch a lot more flies with honey than vinegar.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 July 2015): The point of this site to help people with problems and give some emotional support? He cannot fix this problem because IT'S TOTALLY HER FAULT. Why conclude it is one partner's fault. The other person cannot be blamed nor can they expect to change it on their own. Can the blameless questioner be given some emotional support and advice on what to do. Why should it be to look to what the man is doing wrong even when its so obvious he is already doing more than his share and none of that will change her decision to sexually shut down on him. Why? Is this helping the OP? Denying his frustration that this is her fault, and giving him more encouragement to keep working harder to make himself more desirable and win her over? Re-read this OP's words. Hear what kind of attitude and treatment he is really describing. He can do everything you people are suggesting and it won't do anything to fix the problem. Why is it better to lie to him like this than point the finger where it belong and say something that might be helpful to him? This O.P. should not even be trying to fix the relationship in light of her attitude and bad treatment. He should be walking away and finding someone who has the decency to treat him with respect. She isn't even trying and she is being EMOTIONALLY ABUSIVE when he tries to address the problem.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 July 2015): She says you are gross.Maybe you are.Alot of guys get lazy when it comes to hygene when they are married for awhile.Do you shower daily?Put on deorderant?Brush your teeth at least 2 times a day?Wear clean clothes on a daily basis?If you do not do all of the above then you are indeed gross.There is nothing more sexy than a clean man.If you are gross like that every time you have sex she could get a uti or vag infection.Why would she want that?I have heard stories about gross guys who come home from work have not showered in a week and then wonder why their wife will not give them a bj.Are you one of those?That is enough to make any woman depressed.
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A
female
reader, jls022 +, writes (30 June 2015):
Firstly, withholding sex could be termed as abuse if it is done from a place of control or punishment. In your wife's case, it seems more like she doesn't desire sex, so it's not that she's withholding sex, it's that she doesn't WANT it.
There is a huge difference there which many people fail to recognise. I went through a spell due to the birth control I was on where the idea of sex made me actually cry at the thought of it. I certainly wasn't trying to abuse my partner, I just couldn't force myself to do something I truly dreaded any more. And the more he pestered me, the less I wanted him because I felt he wasn't listening. Like he didn't care that I hated it and got no enjoyment out of it whatsoever, as long as he got his release.
Thankfully my BC problems are sorted now, but without open communication and us both really listening and trying to understand each other's point of view, we would never have got through it and resentment would have started to grow on both sides. We were starting to go down the route of thinking only of ourselves and not considering each other, which is the beginning of the end of any relationship.
So OP, as I said before you can either:
1. Try to have one last talk with her. No blame, no resentment - actually make an effort to understand her and open up the lines of communication between you two and try to get the love back.
2. Leave.
You sound like you are looking for a magic pill that's going to suddenly make your wife come round to your way of thinking and start wanting to have sex with you again, but that just isn't realistic.
She is obviously dealing with a number of issues, and those are not going to just disappear overnight. They will need work, understanding, support and patience on both sides. Basically, there is no quick fix.
As I said earlier, this requires effort from both of you to fix, so if either one of you isn't willing to do that then there isn't much else that can be done. But what definitely won't fix it, is staying as you are, getting angry about how unfair you feel she is being (I'm not necessarily disagreeing but she may feel you are being unfair by pressuring her into doing something she admits she gets so satisfaction from) and letting the resentment and hatred build for your wife. That isn't good for either of you and it's no way to live.
Your choice - is this worth saving or not?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 June 2015): Original poster here.First, a little Google shows that withholding of sex can in fact be classified as sexual abuse. One definition:"Sexual abuse includes unwanted sex, withholding sex, forced engagement in any sexual activity that frightens or hurts you, refusing to practice safe sex or preventing you from using birth control or making decisions about pregnancy/abortion."Regardless of whether it is "sexual abuse" it is definitely emotional abuse. Let me see if I can answer so many questions in such little space.Her weight bothers me a little bit, but it's not an issue for me. It is an issue FOR HER because she hates her body now. She always had self-image issues (was anorexic as a teen) even when she was a perfect 34-24-36 and a size 2. I don't think she feels sexy anymore and hearing that she is from me doesn't change a thing. Yes, it depresses her. She has other reasons to be depressed as well. Again, there's nothing I can do about it.It's not so much that she won't have sex, but that she is totally unaffectionate and - worse - downright mean with her actions and comments. To be clear: she doesn't say she is gross. She says *I* am gross for wanting sex and the act itself is gross, unsatisfying, and something she can live without. We have no kids. I have not cheated on her. I have turned to porn and she knows that, which she is not happy about. I asked her what she wants me to do to which she shrugged. She does not have a job. I support her. She used to have a job but she complained about it so much I figured I would have more peace of mind if she quit (and I do!)She gained weight because she stopped exercising. She used to workout 5x per week. Now it is maybe 1x every two weeks. She wants to change that and sometimes gets back into it now and again, but for whatever reason she quits. This is a woman who used to be a professional athlete and that works against her because not only if she too old to complete, but she is very picky about who she will train with and so on and there are always egos involved as well. So I have a wife I still want to be with but who is depressed and takes it out on me in the worst way imaginable. Not just by withholding sex, but insulting me for wanting it: insulting my manhood, my lovemaking, and even my desire for her. I afraid to even touch her most times because of the tirade that will be unleashed not just at me but at all men. For a while we wrote letters back and forth but eventually I got tired of it and told her to stop writing me if she had nothing to say because her letters were so superficial and lacking in anything that helped me better understand her or the relationship. I would pour my heart out in response to her and usually get back very short and detached responses. She said she just can't write as well as I can, but I didn't see a lot of effort made. To olderthan dirt: "Did your wife ever go back to wanting sex or did you just learn to live with it?" I am too young to just live with this.
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (29 June 2015):
 First of all, the title is misleading. This isn't sexual abuse; your wife is withholding sex and is verbally abusive towards you. Sexual abuse is something completely different. Sexual abuse is forcing undesired sexual behavior by one person upon another, which is not what your case is.
Now that we have the technicalities out if the way, lets get to the real problem.
Your wife is verbally abusive and doesn't want to have sex with you.
Why exactly did she gain weight? Does she have medical/health issues or is she eating because of depression?
Do you have kids?
Does she have a job? If yes then does she have problems in the workplace?
Has there been a death in the family or something which has affected her?
Have you ever cheated on her?
OP there has to be some root, some source of her problems because nothing happens in isolation. If its an eating disorder that has spiraled out of control and has crushed her self-esteem then there has to be a reason for it. I think she's dealing with depression of some kind which has taken a toll on her and is starting to really affect her. If you can give some more clues then it would be helpful.
You have 2 choices. Either fight to make it work or give up. Now the decision is yours...is this sexless, unhappy marriage worth salvaging? Do you think you can both be on the same side and help each other instead of constantly attacking each other? Is she even *willing* to make an effort to change?
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (29 June 2015):
 Her not wanting sex is not abuse...it's relatively "normal"Women are very complex and complicated. She probably needs to talk to a doctor to see if there's a physical problem. Or, tis just might be the new normal and you need to assess whether or not it's worth staying around. I've gone for years without the wife wanting sex. Stuff happens my friend. good luck
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (29 June 2015):
 First I have to tell you that you should not call this sexual abuse. The lack of sex is not sexual abuse. Her saying hurtful things and belittling you, that's bordering into abuse.
Now that we've got that clear, your problem at hand is that she will not have sex with you, rather than her being abusive. At least that is what your post focuses on. What can we tell you? We can not make her have sex with you. Nor can we tell you something that will make you not want to have sex any more either.
What I can tell you is that is it perfectly normal to want to have a healthy sex life with your spouse. You're not doing anything wrong, and you're not asking for too much. But what you must consider is whether or not you can continue living like this, with no sex in your marriage. There is no way to make her have sex with you, if there was anything to be done I am sure you've tried it over the last couple of years, with no success.
You're looking at the hard choices here: continue living in a sexless marriage, get divorced, or take a lover.
It sounds like your wife is suffering some form of illness, to be honest, if your sex life used to be okay, and now has deteriorated. It could be depression. Has she been to a doctor?
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A
female
reader, jls022 +, writes (29 June 2015):
It sounds like you could both really benefit from counselling to try to get the love back between you, as this is a vicious circle that's going to be difficult to break. You don't see why you should be nice to her if she's not giving you sex, and she doesn't she why she should give sex to someone who isn't being nice to her. Nothing will ever get resolved while you both keep blaming each other rather than trying to understand how the other feels.
As the previous poster said, you both need to start putting more effort into pleasing the other person and NOT just sexually. You both seem so concerned with your own needs and who has it worse that you've forgotten about the other person.
There is so much resentment on both sides here, to the point you don't even sound like you like your wife much at all any more. I understand that you feel like she is the one who started this by going off sex, but speaking as a woman I'd lose all interest in sex too if I felt such simmering resentment and anger coming from my husband. As I'm sure you know, sex starts in the mind for women.
I do understand why you feel the way you do, so please know I'm not blaming you. But I also understand how your wife feels. The only way to fix this is to break the cycle, and start trying to find some compassion and empathy for each other again. Tell her how you feel without getting angry, and don't make it all about sex. So instead of saying 'you're denying me sex which is making me angry', say 'I miss being intimate with you because I love you and want to feel close to you again'. Explain WHY you feel the way you do and give her the chance to do the same. Then really listen.
If she says she feels 'gross', don't just say something like 'well I think you look fine' and expect her to get over it. Actually listen to how she feels and try to empathise. Ask her what she needs from you to help her - not just to help you get sex. She sounds like she's at the stage where she feels every nice thing you say is purely said to get sex, which judging by your post sounds like it could be the case. Again not that I'm blaming you, but that won't work. Women can see right through it and it makes us feel used and even less in the mood.
Basically, what I'm saying is you both need to make the effort to start liking and respecting each other again. Become friends again. I think counselling will help but if you think you can do it on your own try that. And you BOTH need to work hard to get rid of the resentment you both feel as it's a love and passion killer.
I wish you both the best of luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 June 2015): I'm going to be very honest. you are both feeding each other's fire. You are making these issues all about sex ( don't get me wrong sex is extremely important in a relationship) and she is pushing you away. First off a lot of times women say things like that ( one line "leave me alone" type sentences) when really there is something under lying ng or more to that. It's very hard to be intimate if other aspects in your marriage are deteriorating too. Have you told her how much you love her? I noticed the first thing you brought up was her weight, do you say things like thT to her? Because no matter your intention that is going to hurt a lot, esp if everything in the marriage seems to be failing. She could feel doomed, trapped, ect. Next question could she be suffering from depression? It's understandable to be upset about sex and have it take over and carry on into other aspects. Are you ever happy when you come home? Do you ever try to have a good day without fighting? Take her out make her feel loved ( just little places, to hotspring, out to dinner/lunch, ect, without making it about sex at the end of the night? Just sleep together cuddling. Have you distanced yourself from her? Looking at pornoften, maybe chatting up other women o. The Internet? Because believe me that is the quickest way to make your woman feel unwanted andI not good enough. It sounds like you BOTH need to put some effort in and Id definitely think marriage counselling wod help. A woman wouldnt just tell you something "mean." She is probably upset about something. The clear indicator- "I feel gross." Yes it's a total excuse, but she could legitimately feel that way. You need to try to not bring up sex, and focus on other issues first. When people are happy sex comes naturally. Do you sleep in the same bed? Spend quality time together without fighting? Cuddle? Kiss? Show Generosity, and gratitude towards each other? I would start out by doing one nice thing for each other every day, without "ulterior motives" ( aka sex on the brain, so hard to do when it's been so long) sometimes people forget how to communicate with and treat each other right. Do little things. Maybe clean up after yourself more, bring home a single flower, do something thoughtful like make the bed in the morning or do the dishes, make a surprise dinner and clean it up. Try to be nice and courteous. Give her a genuine compliment. Just keep this up in general, see if she comes out of her shell. Again couples counselling would be great and I think you both would benefit from it.
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