A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:(sorry I've just realized how long this post is)She’s a friend I’ve known all of my life. Our fathers were best friends. She has always been extremely needy and I’ve dealt with it and not always in a good way (meaning that I would often say yes to requests and wanting to say no). She’s like a sister that’s always in some sort of a problem.We’re both over 40 now and she’s always been single. Over the years she would ask if she could join my family for a holiday or for Christmas, because she was alone. This is how things would go: she would either stay in our apartment with us or if we rent a place somewhere she would join us. We never asked her to pay her share of the rent (if we were renting) and she never offered. The same goes for gas when we would go sightseeing or money for groceries. Even if she would offer, there would always be something. For example, if she follows a certain diet, she would point out that she didn’t eat most of the stuff we bought (and when I cook, she would eat them anyway) or that her share would be extremely small because there are 4/5 of us… which is true.My main concern is my inability to deal with a pattern that has been set between us. Whenever we are alone, even for a couple of minutes she talks incessantly about her problems and 99,99% of the time it’s about her being single. She repeats the same old stories on a loop and doesn’t really want your opinion. When I was younger, I believed that I was helping her just by listening, but after 20 years that we’ve been adults, I see that it makes no difference. She just needs someone she can tell her stories to. She never asks about me and my problems because (and she says so out loud) assumes that I have none – my life is “solved” I have a great husband and a family and I’m not alone. (and therefore I need to be there for her).Truth be told, even if saying this makes me a horrible person, I’m fed up with it. I really can’t stand the thought of having to listen to her over and over again. I feel bad for not being able to find a way to talk to her about this. I tried once. It was the 10th time she was telling me the same story in one day and I politely pointed that out and told her that it only makes her more miserable when she repeats over and over again how her bf dumped her after 3 months of dating, 15 years ago. She started yelling at me then stormed out of the room slamming the doors. When she came down she said that she feels better when she vents and I told her that I’m not her shrink. (just for the record, repeating the same thing 10 times in the course of one day is nothing for her… she’s constantly in the loop…)This time we’re renting a house for Christmas and even my husband’s parents will be there. I just want to have fun, spend a nice moment with my family make it great for everyone, but I’m a bit worried about her coming over. When she bought the plane tickets I realized that she would stay for almost 3 weeks! We’ll be together in our apartment and then in the house. I thought about making a good plan of chores so that everybody participates (she too) and… bringing my work with me :( I know… but this is the only way I know I can control her. If she sees that I’m alone in a room just reading a book or knitting, she’ll come and start by “You know, I’ve been thinking about…” and that’s that. We’re off… again. Btw, I’m not the only friend who’s had the same experience with her. But I’m the only one that she does this to that she has left. And frankly, hadn’t I known her all of my life, I don’t think I would stay either. And as I said just by saying this I feel horrible. She doesn’t want to see a shrink. She keeps insisting that she’s “fine”. But her moods go from euphoria (when she gets what she wants) to depression (e.g. when she feels people ignore her) pretty quickly. When there’s a guy involved she starts acting pretty impulsively and is capable of letting you down in a sec (she once left me waiting for her for TWO hours – before the mobile phones ;) – because she was waiting for someone to show up and I was worried thinking something had happened to her).The house we rented is in the middle of nowhere in the mountains and she can’t drive. Meaning that she’s stuck with us… and there’s no internet or phone signal. Our kids love it, but my friend spends hours on social networks… so… yet another thing to make her miserable. My husband’s parents are good people but they’re also no-nonsense people. They say what they mean... which is something she hates if that's something she doesn't want to her. They will never pry or ask her why she has no husband but they'll tell her to take her plate and put it in the dishwasher :) My husband and kids are nice to her, but they are not her "target"... I am.So what do I do? How do I keep her busy ? How do I make this work?
View related questions:
best friend, christmas, money Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 December 2018): I had a 'friend' like yours. I remember her telling me once that she wanted me to be her therapist and spent an hour while she was staying with me for yet another weekend her troubles as if I was in fact her therapist.
She did countless things over the 22 years she manipulated me, until I finally blew.
She guilt tripped me constantly into seeing her every evening. Even though I was knackered. She would suddenly complain that she hadn't done her college assignment and it had to be in the next day. I stayed up until about four in the morning twice, to help her, even though I had to work the next day. She would scream the place down, or slam doors in my face if I got a boyfriend. She regularly threw drunken tantrums and all the people in my group of friends would look to me to sort her out.
I married and moved about thirty miles away, moving that far primarily so I would see her less. She arrived EVERY Friday evening with a sleeping bag and left on the Sunday evening.
She only really cared about herself obviously, but because she COULD be sweet and could be very good company, I became used to her behaviour.
Until one New Years Day when all the group of friends traditionally got together and she decided to throw yet another tantrum and demand to be taken home. She didn't drive and guess who was her chauffeur? My stomach was churning with the stress as usual and I just suddenly thought, 'Enough is enough'. As I dropped her off and said goodbye I really meant GOODBYE. We had been friends for 22 years, but when she rang to apologise, as she always did, I just told her I'd had enough. I didn't have to explain, because of course she knew very well what I was talking about. She couldn't believe it and kept asking me to change my mind. I stood firm in a quiet way because I had come to the end of my tether and felt fine about telling her to go.
A male friend of hers called me and pleaded with me to be her friend again. I think he knew he was the next in line to bear the brunt of her. I said no, I did not care anymore, I had had enough.
I felt bad for about four days and then I never thought of her again. I relaxed and enjoyed my new found freedom. We came across each other in town a few years later and she asked for my number and maybe we could meet for coffee. I thought that that would be nice because I was thinking that we could meet up maybe once every few months for a chat. I'd forgotten what she was like, or rather thought maybe she had grown up a bit. Well, she called me four times in one hour. Once again, I had to tell her, I had changed my mind and didn't want her in my life.
It's really hard when someone's got a hold of you, like this woman has you. I know what it's like. Somehow you start to feel responsible for them. Maybe you will have to wait until you get to the place where I was, where I had just had enough, but I wish I'd done it years previously.
Do you know what? She survived fine without me!!
This woman is a leech on you. On your time, your emotional energy and your financial resources. And she doesn't care as long as she gets her needs fulfilled. She doesn't care about you. You're her caretaker. She will impose upon your good nature until you break and she probably won't care when that happens either.
I felt my friend cared about me and maybe she did in her own sweet way, but it wasn't enough, nowhere near enough. People like this cannot care for others. They only care about themselves. When I told her to leave me alone and I didn't want to see her anymore, I thought the repercussions would be great. I don't know why. I can't think what she could possibly have done, but there weren't any consequences. She just went ….thank God.
To ask to stay with someone for three weeks over Christmas without contributing is taking the piss. Even WITH contributing. She has no boundaries regarding her behaviour, so why should you have any?
The only way I can think of to deal with this 'friend' over Christmas is to tell her she's not coming. You don't want her there, her presence is too stressful for you, you can't afford to cater for someone who doesn't pay their way. Just imagine in your head, jumping this boundary that you have in your head of good behaviour, that you have to be nice to everyone. Why should you be? She isn't nice to you is she? She's a user.
Being honest like this will set her on the back foot. She will realise that she has lost or is losing her hold over you. Stick to your guns and it might just provide you with the chance to follow up with any reasons you care to choose to tell her you don't want her in your life …..period.
She will find others to leech from. I was slightly worried that my friend might have tried something stupid as she was melodramatic, but she didn't. Not at all.
There are two different sorts of people in this life, radiators and drains. One kind warms you and the other kind bleeds you dry and drains you of your energy. How long are you going to allow this person to ruin your holidays, your time and your peace of mind?
Good luck, I hope you manage it, cos once you start, you'll feel great!
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 November 2018): If you are too embarrassed to tell her face to face write her a letter and tell her you are no longer able to host her any more, you are sorry you hope she understands bla bla.. probably she will be cross with you and no longer will talk to you. Who cares. You will be rid of her like your other friends did. I had once upon a time a friend who made a habit of coming every weekend and staying with me. Honestly I used to dread weekends because I knew that he will be at my door every friday at five. So after one harrowing weekend I gathered my courage and wrote him a letter as soon as he left after one weekend. He was angry and sent me a nasty letter but I never sow him again. I was finally rid of him. Thank God.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 November 2018): Thank you so much for taking the time to answer and investing your energy in a stranger :)
You're right - she's the only person I have problems setting boundaries with, because I "inherited" her.
When I say she's like a sister (and I'e never said we've been best friends), I mean she's someone I haven't really chosen in my life.
My father was a doctor... and he would urge her father to take her to see someone, but he wouldn't and when she grew up then she herself kept refusing this idea.
Someone said "treat her like a mental patient"... and that's exactly how I've been treating her to my detriment. As if she were someone I was responsible for and I need to care for.
I thought about this being THE LAST TIME I'm doing this for her.
It will be hard for me to sit her down and talk to her, because there's so much that had piled up over the years. I need to focus on the general stuff and not go into details. Somehow not make it personal.
Some of my closest friends never stopped wandering WHY I was tolerating her in my life... because they think she's egotistic, fake and overwhelming. And yes... I ascribed certain behaviors to normal "sibling" rivalry. She got a fit of hysteria (stumping on the floor, then throwing herself on it and rolling) when she heard my mother telling her mother that I had a boyfriend (she couldn't believe that I had "found" one before her).
Btw, I told her honestly that things were lean right now and that among other things were doing DIY presents for everybody.
I have to stop believing that she's "my sister" somebody I can't get away from...
Thank you again for confirming that I'm not crazy that I feel bad, that I just can't stand that behavior anympre and that it is not selfish from me for wanting to end it.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 November 2018): I think this woman is mentally ill and / or may be on the autism spectrum. Or both. The two conditions are not mutually exclusive.
She shows very strong signs of autism spectrum disorder. Left untreated, this can lead to mental illness.
I say this due to my own - extremely similar - experiences with my own mother and my elder sister, both of whom treated me very similarly to how this woman treats you, but with my mother becoming extremely abusive if I ever dared to try to lay down normal boundaries.
I don't know the exact answer to this. But I DO know that your own lack of assertiveness from an earlier stage has pretty much enabled this situation and there is a sense in which it is enabling the woman's mental illness too.
It can feel extremely cruel just to cut someone off. And if you really do care about someone - as I think you do - it doesn't actually resolve the problem. You can still think about that person most days, still worry about them, still feel guilty, still feel unresolved issues. But I guess you at least don't have to deal with the immediate 'real life' drain that they constitute.
Could you talk to your parents for advice on how to handle this? They seem much more straight-talking and assertive than you are. Maybe they would be able to help you to draw her attention to the possibility that she has a mental health condition and / or may be on the autism spectrum. If she does have these conditions, it doesn't mean you have to end up as her carer for life, but it could mean that you could direct her towards organisations that will help her and take the strain off of you.
I think this kind of approach - ie. that you are dealing with a vulnerable, autistic and / or mentally ill person who needs organisational support - is preferable (morally and emotionally for all involved) to callously discarding her. She needs organisational support and carers to help her and has gravitated towards you and your family because you give her some sense of that - but none of you are trained in the roles that caseworkers could me.
Perhaps see your own doctor for guidance about getting help for someone with autism and / or a mental health condition and do some research into both. And get your parents involved if they are willing - she needs pointed in the direction of professional carers.
...............................
A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (30 November 2018):
 The aunts have all given you good advice and it has a common theme. Learn to say no and stop being a pushover. It doesn't make you a bad person for saying no.
OP many times in life we make the mistake of thinking that if we assert ourselves then it'll make us look bad and it'll make the other person/people dislike us. But you know what I've realised? If someone has to have an opinion of you then they'll have it in any case. You can do whatever you want and bend over backwards but if someone doesn't want to give a shit, then they won't.
You say this person is your best friend. Surely you can have this conversation with her then. Tell her that while you sympathize with her, enough is enough. She is very clever because she chooses to think that you have no problems just because you're married. It's not that she doesn't know, it's just that she doesn't want to even consider your problems or your life because then that would mean that she doesn't get her way. She's incredibly selfish and very very clever. She gets her way every time because she's pushy. She doesn't care about what others think of her because she's shameless. Who else would want to stay with someone for 3 whole weeks?!!
I was going to say that you're not the only person she does this with but then I realised you've written that already. Because this is a pattern with people like her. They are like parasites and need someone or the other to lean on. Some people tell them off and don't tolerate their nonsense.. In cases like this your friend would just behave like a martyr and behave like she's been terribly wronged.
OP, you have to put an end to this and there is no middle ground. You have to stand up to her, tell her everything that you've told us and that while you're sorry, you cannot have her over for Christmas. It's just a family thing and 3 weeks is far too long. Also, your husband's parents would like just family to be there, which I'm sure anyone would!
The question is, are you willing to take this advice on board?
...............................
A
female
reader, mystiquek  +, writes (30 November 2018):
 I appreciate kindness in people. I think it is absolutely wonderful quality to have. If more people would show a little kindness and compassion the world would be a much better place. I wholeheartedly agree with Wiseowl though, there is a difference between being kind, being stupid or just plain being walked all over.
You OP are like a marshmellow..soft and squishy and just let your "friend" walk all over her. At this point I'm not even sure if she is a friend. She seems to walk around blissfully unaware that she isn't a very likeable person, or she just plain doesn't care and knows that you will put up with all of her BS. STOP! Don't be a doormat. There is nothing wrong with letting her know that she needs to look out for herself including having money to help contribute, that she needs to find things to do to entertain herself and you are not a psychiatrist and are not going to hold her hand and be on call 24/7 for her. If you can't do these things then you are going to be doomed to be stuck with her year after year after year. Stop complaining put on your big girl panties and have a talk with her. It isn't fair for her to take advantage of you in the matter that she has continued to do so for all these years.
If it was me, I'd start distancing myself from her as soon as you can. She reminds me of a leech, draining blood and energy from you and quite frankly who needs that?
Its one thing to feel sorry for someone but its another thing to let someone rule over you and you suffer in silence. Get some backbone OP and take control. Stop being so kind that you are making yourself (and probably others around you) suffer.
...............................
A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (29 November 2018):
 I bet she talks to herself at home. She has a mental illness, and will not understand what boundaries mean. Since your parents hosted this celebration, they are okay with your friend staying, probably out of compassion and years of relation. Also you don't want her to do something stupid, alone in the cold. I would take care of her like a mental patient because her mind is gone, only a shell occupying space. It is okay to say, "no I am not listening." then go on to do whatever you are doing. I would adjust my attitude and my mindset so that I am doing charity for her, instead of tolerating her presence.
You could actually try to match her up with a guy with similar mental capacity. She has a mental problem, but that doesn't take away her need to have a boyfriend.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (29 November 2018):
 Yikes!
Well, first of all since she already bought the ticket you can't really un-invite her THIS year. But you CAN after the holidays are over, let her know that you can't do it next year (if she turns out to make things "horrible" this year.
As for "entertaining" her... well that is REALLY not your job. she has invited herself to YOUR family event, she doesn't contribute but wants attention and a soundboard and... entertainment.
What I would do is make SURE she knows before hand to bring some books as there is NO internet or phone signal at the house you will be staying at in the mountains. and that your husband's parents are hosting. Maybe that will make her think twice about coming after all.
Bring some board games. She can ENTERTAIN the kids! You can of course join in too IF you feel like it.
DO what you normally would, if SHE wasn't there. SHE can then CHOOSE to join in OR not. I would not make special provisions for her.
Also, if she mentions a special diet... inform her that you can take her to the store so she can buy the kind of food she wants to eat, so she can COOK that. YOU will be cooking the "normal" food you always cook.
If you need something done, SURE as her to do that. She can decline but she is not helpless or at a hotel where people wait on her hand and foot! she is in your home.
I think OP, YOU need to learn to say no to this woman. I get that she is lonely and all but I don't see how YOU "owe" her to have your holiday time kind of ruined by her. Yes, it might sound a little mean but there are some people we sometimes enjoy better at a distance.
Maybe also suggest that you go visit HER for a dew days next year (not for the holidays but in general?)
I think the fact that she has "gotten away" with this for years with you means that she will KEEP doing it, and yes, she will add on all these little "special" things she expect from you... because she KNOWS you won't say no.
There is something about being kind. It shouldn't feel like a CHORE.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 November 2018): All that long post when you already know the answer; and the remedy is so simple. Just say "NO," and "not this year!"
She's a pain in the ass; and that's why she has no husband and no other friends! She's growing older and worse; and you're an enabler!
You're not raising your kids that way; so why are you putting up with such bad behavior from an adult???
You go down this long list of complaints about what you can't deal with about her; but you don't address the issues with her. You don't set any boundaries, or ask her for help when you need it. You behave as though she has control over your brain and your tongue; and you can't talk to her like an adult. She returns every year like a generational-curse!
If you have no backbone, you'll quietly suffer through the most insufferable behavior she can burden you with.
She has no filter, and no inclination for good manners; or showing others consideration. All because she's selfish and self-centered. She needs to be told that to her face. She needs a thorough talking-to; and she also needs boundaries. Otherwise, how can you describe the relationship as being like a sister? Even less...a friend?
Neither a sister, nor a friend; is justified in being inconsiderate or disrespectful to those who love them. If you don't want to listen to her problems, tell her so. Interrupt her, and change the subject! Ask her what's good in her life? That's all you want to hear, because you wish her well. Tell her you want to share good cheer! No jeers or tears this year!
Ask her to bring money to shop for herself. If you need some help with gas money, before you even accept her visit; let her know she might want to bring money for food, and other expenses. Your bad, if you invite more people than you can provide food or shelter for.
Admit it, if things are a little lean right now. Stop being proud and allowing her to believe you can handle the extra expense. The pride is pretense. Your whole demeanor is fake. You came here to unload; but you show her an entirely different face!
You should write her a letter listing everything you confessed to us. I know the venting is doing your soul a world of good! I can feel your tension and stress. You're on the verge of tossing her to the curb! You've pent-up too much for too long! "Shout, shout, let it all it! These are the things I can do without!" As sung by the group Tears For Fears!
Your poor husband. You're a self-made martyr for no apparent reason. He quietly puts-up with the both of you. I speak for him and your common-sense. Lay-down some rules, or she isn't welcome in your house.
Don't ask for advice, if you don't plan to use it. There is no magic solution that doesn't require you to be honest, and to have a backbone.
There is a profound difference between being a fool and being nice. One is being kind, and the other is just being stupid. You're no fool! She doesn't appreciate your kindness!
...............................
|
