A
female
age
41-50,
*oldDust414
writes:I have been in an on - off relationship for 2.5 years, mostly on, and very passionate. The man in question is an MD of a large company, but had just finished with his wife of 20 years when we started our relationship. He told me that they had been living like brother and sister for 4 years and that he was over things and ready to move on.Somehow our relationship had been on and off, which i was not happy with for obvious reasons. but none the less, he said he couldnt live without me and that he loved me with all his heart. The last time he came back to me i was sure this time it was for good. He didnt have any children and proceeded to behave like he wanted to make one (he knows im fertile as i have children already!) So i was sure he was for keeps this time. I found out i was pregnant but had discussed the possibility with him before as i had a feeling. With which at the time he didnt seem to phased and said we would deal with it together and it would be fine.When i told him he went white and ran off.He has since mentioned me getting an abortion several times and has said that if i keep it he will split with me, of course i am not with him now, but this hurts. I am only 5 weeks and want to keep the baby as i am religious and have had an abortion before, which i havent forgiven myself for. He says he feels boxed in and that this would ruin his future, he feels boxed in and he wants to go on holiday (he says he wouldn't take a screaming kid) I feel very hurt and abandoned by him and also angry that he has done this to me / us. He wanted to come over and help with some DIY tomorrow, but i cant look at him at the moment so ive asked him to postpone this. Also, he didnt want me to drink!!It may be worth noting that he still works with his ex ( Who couldnt have children).Please give me some advice and perhaps a guys perspective as im so confused. Thanks in advance.
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female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (1 December 2018):
 I’m disappointed in the whole situation. It’s such a silly situation to be stuck in and a baby will suffer with two irresponsible and questionable adults as parents. Sort yourself out. This guy is unreliable and untrustworthy. If you keep this baby, you will be a single parent. Can you do that? If not, an abortion may be best because there are enough kids waiting for good homes. I’m sorry you haven’t forgiven yourself for the other abortion, but being religious isn’t a good enough reason to grow an embryo into a baby FOR LIFE. Besides, if you were that religious, you wouldn’t be in this situation.For what it’s worth, NEVER believe “He told me that they had been living like brother and sister for 4 years and that he was over things and ready to move on.” It’s complete and utter BS. He’d have moved out if theyd got over things. It’s that simple. You fell for the most infamous line in the book for affairs.HE didn’t do this to you; you BOTH did this to yourselves. Don’t relinquish blame, OP.He doesn’t want kids. You are on your own. Even if he changed his mind, YOU CAN’T TRUST OR RELY ON HIM. He is not a good partner and neither of you have been responsible.OP, do you WANT to be a mum? Can you AFFORD to be a single parent? Do you have TIME to be a single parent? Do you have enough SUPPORT to be a single parent? Can you GET OVER this guy because he’s no good for you and definitely not a child?
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 November 2018): Without reading the other answers, the first thing that came to mind is he still has one foot on his ex's side of the fence. He's playing both of you at the same time. His behaviour clearly shows he won't commit to you and that you aren't the one. Why? He still works with his ex wife. You have no idea what relationship they have going on behind your back. But they have one. He is still not over her. He's not worth your trust and love.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 November 2018): Yeah, my ex partner had an affair with a quite messed up woman and one of the things he used to do to try to show her he genuinely cared (which he didn't, he just wanted to think of himself as a caring person) was to tell her that he wanted to have children with her. He was a total narcissist, and had this image of himself swooping in to help sort out her messed up life. In reality - which I knew but she didn't because she simply didn't know him well but thought she did - he was exactly what the other respondent has said, a 'man-child' who couldn't cope with anything at all, but who had someone been so charming that he had gained a good position at work, in a workplace which, in itself was complete chaos; his job title, his charm, his way of describing our relationship to her, all gave her a totally wrong sense of what he was really like. The reality was that he had not separated from me at all, we were planning to buy a house together, but I was sick of having to be 'the man' in the relationship; he told her completely the opposite.This idiot man has simply been trying to gain a picture of himself as something he really is not in reality, but he's doing it through you. He's a narcissist who likes the idea of sounding like a caring man, but actually isn't at all.I'm not against abortion but it wouldn't be something I could personally do. What I don't understand though - and I don't mean this sarcastically or anything, I just do not understand - is what kind of religion you follow where you can have sex outside of marriage but not an abortion if you become pregnant? Most religions I am aware of that ban abortion also ban sex outside of marriage. So, I do not understand why you use your religion as a defence against having an abortion - surely you have already 'broken the rules' of your religion by having sex with this man? Men like this gravitate towards messed up women who also come across as strong. If you are already a single mother then you will come across as strong and he will be drawn to that, but has also found a way into your emotions because possibly you are a bit conflicted inside; I say this because you don't seem to be following your religion 'straight down the line' as it were, but cherry picking which aspects of it suit you depending on your emotions and mood. it indicates an inner weakness, and that may be the thing that needs to be sorted out. Otherwise, what? Keep having sex with married men, get pregnant over and over again and each time say you can't have an abortion on religious grounds? Then blame the man for not 'stepping up' as you want him to?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 November 2018): This is one guys prespective. First suppose you fall ill, do you think this guy will stand by you? I doubt it. He only thinks of his pleasure,be sure of that. He tells you he loves you but his actions don't show that.If he did he would marry you immediately or at least let you have the baby and help you with child support knowing your stand on abortion. Kick him out of your life. If he truly loves you he will come back crawling and own to his responsibility as father. If he doesn't then you needn't waste your life for him. I am like you anti abortion not because of religious believes but because of the mental scars it leaves on the woman. I think every life that is conceived has the right to come to this World. Who are we to end it. But that is my opinion.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (30 November 2018):
 The decision on whether to have another abortion is yours and yours alone. It does sound like you have discounted it though, so your only other options are to give the child up for adoption or to raise it as a single parent, as this man does not sound like he is up for being an involved father.
There could be many things going on here but two things which spring to mind are:
1. His wife could not have children. You do not know if this was a big deal for her. It is for many (most?) women. If so, him suddenly fathering a child with another woman could be very painful for her and, perhaps, he is trying to keep that from her for that reason.
2. He has spent the majority of his life childless and is just not prepared to give up what he sees as his freedom. He wants to enjoy his holidays without a "screaming kid". Some people are just not cut out to be parents.
Whether one, both or none of the above apply in actual fact, the bottom line is he does NOT want this child he has fathered. For two responsible adults, I would have expected a full-blown, honest conversation about whether or not to have a child together, not just a feeling on your part he was back with you for good and a child would be a good idea.
You are dealing with a man child. He is physically adult enough to father a child but not mentally adult enough to take on the responsibility. Accept that you made a bad call, the result of which is going to be another child. Take on board also that you are probably going to have to raise this child alone although you can, and should, insist on him providing for it financially.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (29 November 2018):
 I think he wants children someday, but the timing is just bad, because he probably didn't separate from his wife. There was a sense of urgency for that abortion too. Financially you know he could support his child, there has to be some secret he's not telling you. Do you know for a fact that they have actually divorced and that he's not just playing you on the side? Telling you not to drink alcohol is not really caring. In case you kept the child, he doesn't want the child to have a disability. Some men had been known for sweet talking women about wanting children with them as a pretense that they are loving and caring. It could be seductive talk also. Doesn't actually mean they want children in real life. From what you wrote he does not sound like he loved you with all his heart.
Religion can be an inspiration to people but in your case, it acts as a deterrent for your happiness. If you were really religious, wouldn't you have postponed sex until marriage? Maybe you used the argument that religion wouldn't let you use contraception, but then when you got pregnant, you couldn't have an abortion either. You couldn't follow religion anymore once you decide to let your temptations and your need for a man to rule your life. Why be religious if you don't go all the way? The time to worry about sin is when you want to have sex but your partner is not legally committed to you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 November 2018): [EDIT]:
"Why didn't you use condoms or contraceptives; if you weren't ready for another child?"
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 November 2018): First, there is no such thing as an "on and off" relationship. That's just a connection between two people joined by convenience, co-dependency, and force of habit.
Let's identify it for what it is. You can't let go of each other for fear of the loneliness, or jealousy that the other might find someone else. Maybe you feel your options are limited by age, having kids, or some other insecurity. So you cling like lint. The saddest and most ridiculous reason is for the sex.
You can be addicted to a person like a narcotic drug; and will feed the habit regardless of the bad side-effects.
True/solid-relationships don't take breaks. You learn how to compromise, work through the hard-times together; and you learn how to become a team. Constant stale-mates and impasses are a sign of incompatibility and a poor match! When you can't talk to a fool; you're wasting your time being with him, or her.
You learn how to work forgiveness into your relationship, and you grow together. You tough-it out through the storms. When it's right, love is so strong you can endure the typical problems most couples go through. You go back and forth when you don't know what's bad for you; because you need a "relationship, no matter how wrong it is. If both aren't working at it equally, consider it a failure. As futile as trying to revive a dead corpse. LET HIM GO!!!
You have kids, so it's not always easy to get out and find companionship. Your babies' daddy left long ago, and maybe he doesn't even care what happens to you. So now, you've got some dipstick who wants you to abort; so he doesn't have to take financial responsibility for his seed. Why doesn't he use condoms or get a vasectomy? Why didn't you take use condoms or contraceptives; if you weren't ready for another child?
You kept your other kids. Abortion wasn't considered then, so why now! He is setting conditions on keeping him, and he still might default on his promise.
It depends on how badly you want a man, and how much you're willing to sacrifice of yourself and your beliefs to keep one. If you have to give more of yourself than the other person is willing to give, you don't really have them. You're renting or leasing their time. They're not invested.
You are just getting the full truth of why you should have let-go and stop the cycle of "on and off." He's not worth it. Listen to your inner-spirit and trust in your faith. Pray on it, and this will no longer be a problem. He's a bad-habit, and they are hard to break. Go cold-turkey, so you can flush him completely out of your system.
Never judge the future by what you see now. Do good, love your God, your kids, and yourself. If you have faith, you know you'll receive your just rewards and blessings. Forgive yourself for the past abortion; God forgives you, so He allows you to forgive yourself. He knows you are truly sorry, that's all He requires.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (29 November 2018):
 OP, why were there no contraceptives involved?
If he was SO adamant about not having children he could have used a condom EVERY time. And you, could have used birth-control as well.
This is irresponsible behavior for people your age. Especially for someone who has already had and regretting one abortion!
Sorry, for wagging my finger at you OP
As for your ex? What a selfish idiot! Again, IF he didn't want kids he should have USED condoms EVERY time and perhaps even considered getting the snip! He wants vacations? So you should terminate the pregnancy? wow, just wow. It's a little late to make those statements AFTER the cat is out of the bag!
You do NOT owe him to have an abortion. But you DO owe it to yourself and your unborn child to think ahead. Can you afford being a single mom with ONE more kid? If so, then I would choose to keep it. And then seek child maintenance after the child is born. He probably won't be in the child's life but he DID help make it and should help provide for it.
If you can not afford to raise another child, ADOPTION is an option too. You can choose an open or closed adoption and even the future parents. And this option doesn't make you BAD mom either.
And yes, abortion IS another option, but one you really don't want to repeat and don't want due to religious and personal beliefs. Which again, IT IS OK.
Whatever you decide, you should consider the child and yourself - NOT him. Because ALL he is thinking about is HIM.
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