A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I am in a long distance relationship. He lives 2 states away, about 8 hours per drive. We had a little spat a few weeks ago, and patched things up. However, because of this spat, he told me that he would not be coming home for Christmas. He said I ruined things and he didn't take the time off. Last night, a mutual friend lost his father. Today, my long distance love is on his way home. I know this sounds petty, but it bugs me that he couldn't come for a visit with me, but he can take off in a moment's notice for his friend. I understand wanting to be there for the friend and make a surprise appearance at the funeral, but he told me he couldn't come down here till next year, yet here he comes. It all seems really odd to me.
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female
reader, Andie's Thoughts  +, writes (18 December 2019):
 Did he punish you or just want space and a spat-free Christmas? It's not surprising he didn't want to take time off over Christmas if you've recently had an argument.However, he's shown good loyalty to a friend who has suffered a terrible loss. I understand your disappointment in not having Christmas together, but I think you're being selfish and petty by not shrugging it off that his friend needs him more than you do. You're jealous of someone who has just lost their father - let that sink in.If this is a mutual friend, not just someone you met a couple of times because he is your boyfriend's friend, why aren't you going to the funeral? It's okay if you can't go, but not okay to be angry that your boyfriend is consoling his friend.Anon seems to be going a bit overboard. There are no red flags here, except your own with how jealous you are that he is comforting a devastated, grieving friend instead of seeing you. He may genuinely have just wanted space from you this Christmas, after the spat you had, and that's okay. Couples do need time apart sometimes, even on holidays. His plans got changed, not because he wanted to visit a friend instead of you, but because his friend has just lost someone very close to him.At your age, OP, you should have more compassion than you've shown here. It is petty, as you've acknowledged, so keep it to yourself and be considerate of the friend. You can always go to see your boyfriend in the new year, once the argument dust has settled and this consoling stage has passed. If you behave in such a selfish manner, you will lose him for good. He won't want to visit at all.
A
female
reader, Dionee'  +, writes (17 December 2019):
 So you say that a "mutual friend" has lost his father? I'm confused as to why, if this friend really is a mutual friend, you would not be attending this funeral yourself... Unless it's one of those situations where a female befriends her man's friends and inherited them by association, in which case, he isn't actually a mutual friend, not really... Which is what would explain your reaction. It's isn't a competition OP. The man's father didn't just die to help him win and spite you, trust me. I think that you're being unreasonable and if your relationship isn't going to last then this isn't why it wouldn't last. What's meant to be, will be. This is a straw breaking the camels back type of a situation. It's petty and it's a sign of bigger problems and deeper rooted issues within your relationship. Help this friend in his time of need and do not prioritise your own feelings in this situation because it's a situation where it shouldn't be about you and there is no possible way to bring this up to your SO without sounding bratty and inconsiderate. You know better so do better.
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A
female
reader, Dionee' +, writes (17 December 2019):
So you say that a "mutual friend" has lost his father? I'm confused as to why, if this friend really is a mutual friend, you would not be attending this funeral yourself... Unless it's one of those situations where a female befriends her man's friends and inherited them by association, in which case, he isn't actually a mutual friend, not really... Which is what would explain your reaction. It's isn't a competition OP. The man's father didn't just die to help him win and spite you, trust me. I think that you're being unreasonable and if your relationship isn't going to last then this isn't why it wouldn't last. What's meant to be, will be. This is a straw breaking the camels back type of a situation. It's petty and it's a sign of bigger problems and deeper rooted issue within your relationship. Help this friend in his time of need and do not prioritise your own feelings in this situation because it's a situation where it shouldn't be about you and there is no possible way to bring this up to your SO without sounding bratty and inconsiderate. You know better so do better.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2019): He punishes you by not seeing you for Christmas? Get your self a new guy for Christmas.Look at your ages.By now he should be acting like a grown up not a little two year old.I think you think he is your boyfriend but I think you are just there when he feels like it.If you say well that was not true he is your boyfriend then you need to look at these red flags he is openly showing you.Everyone says oh but think of his friend....his friend does not matter.How he treats his friend does not matter.What matters is the way he treats you.From what I have read you are not treated very well at all.Pick up your self esteem and learn you are a good person and as a good person you deserve to be treated in an adult respectful matter.So hopefully you have learned something here and you get a new honey for Christmas.This one is still a toddler.You know you deserve to really be loved and can do much better.The way he hold grudges is not good and abusive.So many red flags here.Please do not settle for this man child because there are real men out there who would treat you like a queen.You can do better.
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A
female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (17 December 2019):
 OP, sorry but you are acting rather childish and petty for someone your age. I agree that your boyfriend was being rather mean by not wanting to come see you. It sounds like a punishment. Who knows if he really meant it or just said it in a moment of anger but I understand you being disappointed.
I DO NOT understand that you can't see why he would go to see a friend who just lost their father. Why is he wrong for doing that? Is it because he chose a friend over you? Maybe he's been a lifelong friend? Perhaps your boyfriend knew the father and liked him OR he just wants to be there for his friend. I lost my father 5 years ago and I still miss him terribly. Losing a parent is a SIGNIFICANT loss! Your boyfriend may be rather a jerk to you but he sounds like a good friend. Its damn hard to lose a parent.
Why didn't you go see him? I think both of you have some growing up to do tbh.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (16 December 2019):
 I think YOU are being petty and he is an ass.
You need to understand that HE wants to BE there for a friend who JUST lost an important person in their life and you act like the guy died to spite you or that his friend doesn't deserve the attention from your BF. Seriously, lady?
However, HE is an ass that he is CHOOSING to punish YOU for an argument you two had, by NOT coming to see you. Because he knows that will hurt YOU more than him.
You are both in your mid 30's? And act like this?
You both need to GROW up.
And this LD, how long has it been going on and how long do you two plan on continuing as a LDR?
And I thought the same as YCBS - why can't YOU go visit him?
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (16 December 2019):
 Maybe he is a better friend than boyfriend? Whether or not this is the case, he has to be commended for dropping everything and coming to visit his grieving friend. His friend will lose his father only once, while you two have (if things go well) years together ahead of you.
If your boyfriend regularly "punishes" you by refusing to come and visit you, perhaps you need to consider whether you want to spend any more time on this relationship.
My other thought on this was, could YOU not go and visit HIM?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 December 2019): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYou are right. I hadn't thought of it that way. Thank you for helping me to see this more clearly.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 December 2019): Stop and think a minute. What is one of the greatest losses in your life you could ever experience? Let me tell you what it was for me. My mother died of a brain tumor at only 42 years old! I was only 17! My youngest little brother was only 2 when we lost her! My father never remarried, and he died in 2003. I lost a sister in May this year!
My family, friends, neighbors, and colleagues have gone out of their way to comfort and console me. I know they had to take time from their own busy lives to think of me. I am truly grateful for their love and concern! It helped me to heal in my grief!
Your boyfriend is consoling a friend for a huge loss. Your selfishness and pettiness is numbing you to the fact someone you consider a mutual-friend, has lost his father!!! I guess you don't plan to attend the funeral? I think if your boyfriend was a bad-guy, he wouldn't have taken the time to visit a friend who had a sudden and devastating loss.
I don't think it's odd. I think he thinks consoling someone for the loss of a parent might be more important this time of year than seeing you after you both had a disagreement! Maybe he isn't quite over the disagreement; but I think you should yield to his showing his respects to his friend, and the friend's family. If he's in your neck of the woods, how do you know he doesn't plan to spring a surprise visit on you? I caution you to behave yourself and keep your pouting and sulking to yourself. How you behave will determine if you are in his plans! He may have told you he wasn't coming, with the intent to surprise you; or he was just angry at the moment he said it.
Be grown-up about this.
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