A
male
age
36-40,
*asonras
writes:I am going through a very rough time dealing with a break up. I've been with this girl for 3 years. She is the love of my life. I could imagine being with her forever. There is something so special about her that I can't imagine finding in another person. Now that you can tell that I am obviously in love with her...here is the bad part: after three wonderful years together and living together for the past year, she decided to break up with me. She says there is no one incident that triggered the break up and that I have done nothing wrong. She put all her feelings down on paper for me to discover. She says I am the most wonderful boyfriend she has ever had and probably will ever had, but we are not right for each other anymore. She goes on to explain how she will never be able to give back to me what I have given her and that she loves with all her heart. The letter was pages and pages long that basically say the same thing. I understand where she is coming from. She is afraid of committment. But if i knew this, i would have completely wanted to change the dynamics of our relationship. Anything would be better than to lose her. It gets worse: we are still living together and we are sort of stuck like this for the next three months until our lease runs out. She sleeps in one bed in the corner of our bedroom...i sleep in the other corner. She is hardly home ever. She spends many nights at friends, she is drinking more, and seems to be just enjoying her freedom. I AM SO HAPPY she is enjoying her freedom because I know how tough it was for her to break it off with me. I am impressed that she is taking charge in her life and making decisions on her own...but i can't begin to tell you how much it hurts every day to see her out without me, coming in late drunk.I watch her sleep and I cry. She is so precious and there are so many things that she does that i love. Those little things you never took the time to appreciate. Every morning i smell her perfume in the bathroom - my heart melts. I don't know what I am really asking really. I love this girl even more now. I want so badly to hold her in my arms again. Almost all day I think about her and I cry a little inside. It's been almost two months now, and it seems like I feel worse every day while all my friends and family say it should be getting easier as time passes.Will she ever come back to me? Do I just need to let her live on her own? It hurts so bad, i just don't have the answers anymore.We were so close. We've been to so many places together. Almost every place I walk in the city there is a wonderful memory. All my favorite vacation places, we were there together. I am so used to having her hold me in her arms and care for me when I am sad. Now she is the cause of my pain.
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female
reader, k_c100  +, writes (13 March 2009):
 You should let her keep the gifts, you have no use for them and they wont be worth much money now anyway. I dont think she would expect you to give her back all the gifts she has bought for you so just leave them with her. I would take the diamond promise ring back though, I think it is wrong for a girl to keep rings like that after a breakup as they hold too many memories and are meaningless when the two of you are not together anymore.
I think when she says she is not interested in dating anyone at the moment, she isnt trying to tell you anything. It literally means what it is - she has come out of a long term relationship and now she wont be ready for a relationship again for a while. If anything, she is probably trying to reassure you that she is not interested in other guys, because she wont want you to think that the time you spent together meant nothing and she is just trying to be respectful towards you.
I hope this helps!
A
male
reader, dasonras +, writes (12 March 2009):
dasonras is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your comments. For the most part, I DO NOT ever tell her that I love her or try to make her feel guilty by acting sad around her. I do not call her or talk to her. I'm very aware that those kind of actions will make matters worse. What I do find is that she sometimes wants to approach me and talk about how I am etc. I am usually very quick and abrupt when she talks with me. She also says she has no interest in dating anyone else right now and that she just wants time to be alone. Is she trying to tell me something more with this? I can't tell. I know she is confused and she tells me that she is. But I applaud her for examining what she wants (she never used to be the kind of person who can make tough decisions like this...she tells me that I am the one who taught her how to grow up a bit). So it's a weird feeling...sometimes I am totally in love with her...and others I hate her. Here's a really silly question for some laughs. She approached me last week and asked if I wanted the jewelry back that I had given to her over the years. I said i'll think about it. Probably all the jewelry is worth $3000. Do you think i should let her keep it or should I take it back. If i take it back what would i do with it really? They were gifts so i guess she should keep it. All except one ring which was a diamond promise ring i gave two years ago. I feel like that had way too much sentimental value for her to keep.
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A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (12 March 2009):
I know how you are feeling here, I am living with my ex at the moment becuase our lease doesnt end until mid-June, and neither of us can afford to leave the contract early. And we split up over a month ago, it is still not getting easier!
It wont get any better I'm afraid until you do finally move out, but until then you need to take a leaf out of you ex's book and start going out more. She is enjoying her freedom so now you need to learn to do the same. Dont just sit in the house waiting for her to come home and then watch her sleep, this is just not good for you.Go out with friends, do anything you can to get out of the house.
I work during the week but at weekends I have started taking the train home to see my family so it gets me away from the flat for a while, it is good to have that space. So if your family live reasonably close by, then go stay with them whenever you can. If this isnt possible, then go visit friends that are living in different cities and crash on their sofas or something.
There are ways you can get out of the house, even if it is just for short periods at a time. The space will help you to start moving on a little, and spending time around people that love you and care about you will help take your mind off her. Just stop staying in all the time, this is the worse thing you can do!
I hate my apartment now because every little thing reminds me of him, I feel sad every time I have to go back to the apartment because it is like a kick in the teeth that it didnt work out. It has helped me so much to keep busy; just as it is helping your ex to move on from you. So do the same as her; go out partying if you need to, or go see your family, anything to get you living life again!
I hope this helps and good luck!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 March 2009): She's told you all you need to know. For her, it's finished. FOREVER. You'll do yourself no good thinking about her, hoping for her, loving her. MOVE ON. Get away from her. And eventually find someone else. It's done with her.
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A
male
reader, Jager +, writes (12 March 2009):
pack a bag get your passport and leave. Make sure everything is paid on the house for the next month. Leave the City at least if not the country. Not for good just 4 weeks. Leave her by her self. In that time do not contact her.
Tell her where your going if you like be the idea is you dont really know where your going. Put it on a credit card or on credit or a loan or use savings whatever. Take time off work.
Dont destroy your life all you are doing right now is depressing yourself. Dont quit your job or anything daft. But you need space by your self somewhere that dont remind you of her.
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