A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My fiance has lied to me before. The first time, I went away out of town on business and she secretly met up with her Ex after midnight near her house. I was texting her throughout that night and wondering why she didn't reply. So when I came back to town, I asked her and she said she was busy, but when i looked in her inbox, I saw everything and knew she lied. I confronted her and she confessed. She promised she never touched the guy but they did meet up. Not too sure on that. I ended up forgiving her. Now, I found she has been emailing another ex but deleting the emails to cover up her tracks. Take into account we both have eachother's passwords. She actually went into my email last month and deleted an email from an old friend who was a girl cause she got jealous and I never said anything to her. I figured whatever..she's just being a girl. I tell this girl everything. Last year...we broke up for like a week and I went to the strip club...btu confessed to her when we got back together..just to create trust. But should I trust her when I doubt her so much. I am supposed to be marrying her in 6 months...but Im not so sure. can trust be repaired in such a short time frame? I am thinking about just giving up. Thanks to all of you for ur responses.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 March 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionFirst, to Jager, you are way off. She has access to my email and vise versa... but when she was in mine one day and found an email from a girl i used to know...she deleted it but later confessed what she did. I didn't mind as this is the girl Im marrying..i felt she was just being jealous. She asks me to check her email when she cant and vise versa..or used to at least. but anyway, we do not have the kind of relationship where it is ok to meet up with an ex after midnight and be it ok. So understand that. Any contact I have with other girls I let her know...just to build trust...so if an ex calls me..I tell her. The whole strip club thing..well she was happy I told her and we spent like 5 min talking about that. I am honest with her to the point that my friends think Im whipped..but f**k them..Im marrying her. But I just think that I am not where I was in loving her after she hid this from me. Cause now im thinking what else is she hiding? I would really like more female perspective. Can she be trusted a third time or am I wasting my time. Oh and I kinda grew up with this girl..so our families are friends..if that helps.
A
male
reader, Horne  +, writes (12 March 2009):
I'm not sure what the divorce rate is in America right now, but it's fairly high. There are good reasons for that. Life throws enough crap at you over the years to make marriage difficult even when you start it with someone on a solid basis. Trust takes time. A good part of that time for you should be right now. If you can't trust each other now, marriage isn't going to fix that. She's lying to you. Where in that can trust take root and grow? Nowhere.
Both of you seem to be following along behind the other and nosing around for evidence of what you both suspect. She's deleting emails because she's jealous. You're checking her phone and looking for other guys. Well, guess what? You found them. Getting married with all you have going on about ensures you'll end up either being one of those statistics or spend a lot of days worrying and wondering.
Some people can and do live like that. I know some. None of them are really happy. If you want advice, here it is. Decide what you can live with, what you can't, what you want out of a marriage and what you need from it. Once you do that, tell her and start your basis for trust from that point. If she can't supply those basic needs or meet that basic structure, then maybe she's not the person you need to be marrying.
It doesn't even take love to keep a marriage intact. There are a lot of people in this world who no longer love their spouses. It doesn't take you or her being happy to keep it intact.
It takes both of those to make it what it should be though... and if I were shooting for someone to spend my life with, I'd be wanting to make it as close to what it should be rather than just existing within it. You got one turn on this wheel of life. Why spend it being unhappy, and why spend it not trusting?
If you don't have trust, you really don't have anything. Can it be repaired? Yes. Can you repair it by yourself? No. Decide what you need, what you want, what you can tolerate, what you can't and realize that while people can change for someone else, they rarely ever do. She's going to have to get on board this trust train with you. So make your decisions and talk to her. Start from there.
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A
female
reader, justice09 +, writes (12 March 2009):
 I wouldn't just forget about everything. In my opinion, I might re-think getting married this soon. But..you know she lied. Atleast she confessed about that. Of course you can't 100% trust herright now..but maybe ya'll can rebuild that trust. How did she react about the strip club? And did anything happen there with you..could that have something to do with what is going on now? Keep me updated please.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 March 2009): Trust should be earned, and she isn't doing anything to earn yours. A marriage can't survive without trust, so if nothing else I think the wedding should be put on hold. It doesn't sound like she's ready to be married anyway. Emailing an ex could be innocent enough, but meeting up with one behind your back and ignoring your phone calls while she's with him is pretty suspicious. It's big of you to give her the benefit of the doubt on the question of whether they did anything physical, but since she's proving herself to be untrustworthy, I don't think I would take her word on that either. Good luck.
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A
male
reader, SlackersACE1 +, writes (12 March 2009):
Time makes all things possible. Im sure if you intend to marry this girl (Congratulations by the way) , you still have a great foundation of love and trust. Sounds like your both fairly honest and open, that should help you quite a bit in these next 6 months and the happy years to come. Good luck bruddah.
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A
male
reader, Jager  +, writes (12 March 2009):
First you want to talk about trust?
Quote: "but when i looked in her inbox"
Whats that about, your going through her phone. Obviously it ain't just her that cant be trusted.
You can trust her as much as she can trust you. Why are you in her email account why are you going through her phone? Do you go through her handbag too or follow her home? listen in on her phone calls.
Maybe she feels that you dont trust her. You give her no reason to trust you. You are blowing up about her meeting up with some guy when you weren't there. Thats balls mate. Jealousy will get you no where.
You acuse her of being jealous of you and some other girl yet you are jealous of her. I would imagine that if you met an Ex it would be fine.
Quit worrying stop checking up on her. Give her a chance to f**k up. Maybe she will trust you. You need to sit down and decide to wipe the slate clean.
Give her some space and remember that if you would want her to let you do something then let her do it. If its ok for you to go shopping with a ex then its ok for her to meet with an ex.
stop this checking up o each other.
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