A
female
age
36-40,
*yboyfriendsacnt
writes:Hey,I'm just wondering on everyone's take on this situation. My other half have been together a year and a half.... we stay together every night and are pretty settled now which is lovely... I'd known him for a few years beforehand with no sexual attraction to him.. Infact I thought he was a bit of a jerk as about 3 years ago I knew he had 2 women and also heard from a male colleague that he had confided in that on top of the 2 women he had managed to get his ex ( the mother of his 5 year old child ) pregnant again... Shed had an abortion in the end. None of these women knew he was sleeping with anyone else and they all thought they were the only woman in his life.... He didn't boast about it at all and was quite secretive but at the time i obviously didn't care as i had no feelings for him back then. Just thought he was a bit of a loser and didn't understand how these women could be so naive or how such a boring man could even get 3 women.Now, relationships aren't always ideal and I hadn't planned in getting involved with him but here I am, years later In love with him and eating my words....I can't help but feel uncomfortable about this... I'm very vocal and he has known all along that I am aware of what he was like...at the beginning he was still seeing someone ( at the time he didn't admit it, but I knew ) I confronted them both 6 months into our relationship and found out through her.. Obviously I was upset and angry but he did everything he could to prove he had changed. Basically, we've been together every evening since and it seems he really is trying to settle down.The problem I have now is obviously trust.. I know that's such an important factor but I really want this to work so am trying very hard... he sees his daughter ( lets call her sarah ) - once a week, which is lovely - he goes up to their house for the day and always refers to it as "Sarah's house " but I just can't get out of my head that he was still sleeping with Sarah's mum a couple of years ago when he had a gf.I know that she has never had a boyfriend since he left and that my bf used to feel somehow responsible for her and I guess wanted to give her sexual satisfaction so that he could still be the main man in her life... It's a bit sickening to think about but that's my opinion on it...At one point I had been doing his washing and found a hair ( very similar to his Sarah's mum ) on his underwear.. I was furious fed up of thinking he may playing games and feeling hidden so i sent her an email explaining who I was and asking if they still sleep together ( I must have sounded crazy ) - I immediately regretted it and sent another mail apologising and asking her to ignore me.. I'm not sure if she ever told him about that.I just don't know what to do about this as I really want to trust him but can't help feeling nervous sometimes when he's visiting his daughter and I worry that I'll always come second to his somehow pre made family...I've met his daughter once which was so nice, she's very sweet but i did have to push for it a little... I guess I just feel like he keeps me so separate from the rest of his life and knowing what happened in the past I can't help but wonder if that's because he is still protecting Sarah's mum He knows that I crave a normal life and would be more than happy to meet his family, see more of Sarah and even meet Sarah's mum but I'd never ask him to involve me more... I'd want it to come from him. I get the feeling however, that would be his worst nightmare... I'm sure It would only ever happen if I was to get pregnant and Sarah was to have a new brother / sister I'd love to have a child with him and he has mentioned this before... However I'd never try until I can trust him... Add into that mix that I'm 90% sure I'm infertile then I just feel bit sad and like ill never have a normal family life.How do you guys think I should approach this??? Is it worth saving??? I just feel sad and anxious about this..
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 June 2013): this relationship has red flags all over the place such that I think it's best to end it. there's simply nothing you can do to change his inappropriate behaviors since that's his choice. what you crave is a normal family life. I dont' think he's the path to that. and yes the fact that he's being so secretive and compartmentalizing you means that he is STILL keeping separate lives with different women, he has given no indications that he's changed from how he was before you got into a relationship with him. it woudln't surprise me if he's still sleeping with someone else now, whether it's Sarah's mom or another woman. It's also not appropriate that he spends regular time at his ex's house. Visitation means the child comes to his house, not the other way round because the child's house is by definition also the ex's house, and it's inappropriate to be spending so much time at an ex-lover's house when he has a new lover (supposedly, you).overall this guy has some serious relationship-destroying defects, and you're never going to get a well-functioning relationship with a partner who is dysfunctional.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (17 June 2013):
 As a woman who had two children with a man who I left when the kids were 3 and 5 I will tell you what bugs me the most about this is that HE GOES to HER HOUSE for his visitation.
That is not good. He should pick her up and bring her for visitation to his home. He should not be in his ex partners home doing his visitation.
If she will not permit it, then he needs to get a lawyer and make it happen. If he refuses to have his time with HIS CHILD away from her mother, then he's not done with that relationship. I never wanted to be anywhere near my ex when I was with my kids. He never wanted to be near me either. We are civil and friendly but we are NOT a couple, nor are we a family and we never wanted to confuse the kids thinking we would get back together. We never vacationed together... meals together were for VERY special occasions only and included my partner, his wife, and assorted grandparents.
Personally I would mandate that he stop going to visit his child at her mothers home. If he refuses to set up visiting his child as a separate thing from seeing her mother, then I would say... "ok you made your choice of your ex partner over me." and of course he will blame you and say you are trying to keep him from his child but you are not.... and if he can't see the difference between his child and her mother, then you don't want to be involved with him.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 June 2013): Hi OP, its like this. If you really had a strong relationship then you would not have any doubts and trust issues. You wouldnt be feeling like his dirty little secret to his ex and child.God knows what he is telling the mother of his child about you, and he will know about the emails you sent her. This man has not changed his ways. The only person he loves and respects is himself. When you found out he was cheating 6 months into your relationship thats when you should of walked. He cheats because he can and if he turns on the charm and makes the right noises the women reward him by their forgiveness and show lack of own self worth by taking him back.This man will carry on until 1 of his girlfriends sets clear boundaries at the beginning and acts according to her threats. Ie you cheat, we are over and she will dump him and keep him dumped.
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A
female
reader, queenadelaide +, writes (16 June 2013):
6 months into your relationship and he was still seeing someone else?What sort of foundation did you build your relationship on - Deceit? The first 6 months are when you are utterly crazy for each other with all the novelty and raging hormones. If he was two timing you at that crucial stage before the ennui of long term relationship kicked in, I doubt that he will stay faithful with you forever. OP, you sound like you don't think you should be with this guy. You start off by qualifying your relationship with him by saying 'relationships aren't always ideal and I hadn't planned in getting involved with him but here I am'. In your heart of hearts - you know that you've settled here for less than you expect.You don't trust him so you have him on a tight leash to make sure he doesn't stray. That's a quick fix hun. You don't know whether he's really changed or whether he'll jump into bed with another woman the first evening he spends away from home. You've said yourself you worry about what he does when he visits his baby's mother. What you need to do is to give him enough rope to prove himself. He'll either show himself to be responsible and trustworthy or he'll hang himself by cheating. Either way- you relieve yourself of this pressure to trust someone when you don't have any evidence that they're trustworthy.You really want to have a child but you don't think you can conceive. Have you been to the doctor about it?It sounds like you know what you want from a man - loyalty, to be their significant half who's involved in their social life and to have kids. You know what you want but you sound as if you feel like you don't deserve it... Maybe because you think you are infertile you are giving up on the rest of the dream? Have a think about it.My advice is to leave this man. He's not in it for the long haul, nor is he ticking your boxes.Good luck!
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (16 June 2013):
 I am afraid that Cerberus is right. The thing with little Sarah is pretty telling.
I mean, while personally I am very against meeting the "stepkids " before the relationship is very serious and official... it also works the other way, : once the relationship is very serious and official, why should not the little girl be a regular feature of it ? after 18 months ? being such an important part of his life ?...When you go on a first date, the guy might just tell you " I work in a bank ", without telling you if he 's a gopher or a clerk or the President, but after 18 months, I'd say it is your business to know his exact work description at which bank at which address. Because his job is an important part of a person's life- imagine a kid !
It sounds like he wants to keep you at arms ' length from Sarah and her mom, and his inner circle, and if I were you, I'd wonder why.
Also, I don't want to say " once a cheater always a cheater " or once a thief always a thief etc., because people do change if they want to and have to. Silly example, but.... here, the most popular kiddie show - a Teletubbies kind of thing- is hosted by an Hungarian ex porn star. At some point she decided she was sick and tired of acting in porn movies and wanted to go after her dream of working with, and for, children.
People do surpring shifts in life, but did he ? I don't think so, when you met him he was still manwhoring around , 6 months into your relationship, and how do you know that the change that you see wasn't brought about ...by the simple fact of having being caught ?
It would be different if he had changed his ways by his own initiative BEFORE meeting you, now you can trust that he is faithful by choice, but, seeing the circumstances , and how he plays with his cards closed to his chest, how can you trust that he did not just tune it down a bit to fool you, and that all the change was , from boning 3 diferent women every day, - to boning Sarah's mom once every week or two ? You can't, because it's a reasonable assumption.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 June 2013): I don't know OP, this is one of the very few questions where the only answer I can give you is one which really won't ease your mind or make this easier or better for you. Because he's still the guy you fear he is.
OP I'm not going to go over all the shit you let slide because I know you know that you shouldn't have, I know you feel in your head you shouldn't even be here with this guy as you know it can not work in the way you want it to because he's not that kind of guy, but the heart wants what it wants and here you are.
OP you will never trust him because he still keeps you separate from the other women in his life. He's still acting like a cheater even if he might not actually be cheating but I honestly think he is. It's who he is OP, deep down, he cheated on you for 1/3 of your relationship and he's still acting like James Bond, even if he spends most of his time physically with you.
You're with him 18 months and only met his daughter once? I mean come on OP, you know what that means and it means some very bad stuff. Firstly he doesn't want you connecting with her emotionally, that means he has one less string to cut if he should leave, that's not the sign of a man who is or plans to settle with you. Secondly it means she won't let anything slip as to what he's doing when he spends the day with them. You know what kids that age are like, they see everything and they say everything they see. It also means that he can keep a complete disconnect between you and this woman, the last thing a guy like him wants is for you two to compare notes. He'd be caught out. Finally OP she's the most important person in his life, his flesh and blood and he's doing his best to keep you away from her.
Worst off OP is you just accept all this. You don't strike as naive OP but when it comes to his daughter you're clueless. For some reason you're holding onto the idea that meeting her should come from him, why? So it'll be more special or that he has reservations still after 18 months? No OP, I've dated single parents and the kid is part of package, none of them kept me separate from their child when we became serious, most of the time I met them well before we were serious and I wouldn't have accepted it any other way either.
18 months and your partner keeps his relationship to another woman, when he's known as a cheater, has also cheated on you, separate from you?
Not good and you're never going to feel secure until you demand some things change OP.
You seem to think letting this slide and just hoping that if you spend enough time with him he can't physically cheat on you will do the trick. Well it hasn't worked or you wouldn't be here.
What do you mean you don't whether she's told him about that email? You mean you send a crazy email and he hasn't discussed it with you? She sure as hell did tell him OP, of course she did. Even if she didn't it would strike as suspicious don't you think? But the fact he never brought it up with you is even worse, it shows you how much of an effort he is putting into keeping you away from that part of his life.
OP enough waiting and hoping, 18 months is long enough to let this shit slide in the hopes he'll magically change from the man he is. You're never going to be secure with a man known to cheat who keeps the women he is in contact with purposefully separate from each other.
How can you trust a guy or feel comfortable in a relationship with a man who is not open?
It's time you told him that you've had enough, you've waited for things to fall in place on their own and he hasn't stepped up, you need inclusion into his daughters life to some degree, you need to be allowed access to that part of his life or you'll never trust him.
OP can you honestly say in any of your past relationships that you've been together with a guy this long and not pretty much known all his friends and they yours? I mean obviously it's normal to have acquaintances and stuff you never meet but his daughter, and a woman he spends very regular time with and seemingly only at her house to play happy families?
I think he's still cheating OP, he's completely still acting that way, how are you supposed to feel anything other than sad and anxious with that kind of situation?
You need to be more proactive in protecting yourself here. Instead of just waiting for him to fuck you over, expecting it from him and being paranoid, you need to take practical steps get what you need to build some trust.
The guy thinks he's James Bond OP, he's still acting that way too, why are you doing nothing about that?
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A
female
reader, xAx +, writes (16 June 2013):
 P.s if you want a man to respect and love you, make him work for you. If he's seeing someone, tell him where to stick it before you get involved. Be in control, take care of yourself. Let the man prove he's faithful, because so far he's doing what he wants, and will lie about it again until you get solid proof. You haven't given him any reason to not lie to you.
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A
female
reader, xAx +, writes (16 June 2013):
I think the relationship was destined to fail from the beginning. The worst thing you could have done is to get into a relationship with a man who you know is seeing someone else! This tells him he cam do whatever he wants. And the fact that you are the one who broke them off tells me that he doesn't care or respect for you otherwise he would have done it himself. Hence he lied to you when you asked him.
To be honest, this sounds like something I would hear on Jeremy Kyle. This man is not gonna change. He does what he wants and will lie to you because he knows he can as you always believe him and let him get away with it .Also, you're using the excuse that he's good to his child to be with him. If you have any self respect, leave this man and this ridiculous situation.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 June 2013): If I was to get involved with a man who had children, I would expect to be involved in their lives along with my man, at the point he believed we were 'committed' to each other. In the past, this has taken a short time. When a man compartmentalizes his life, and keeps you out of some of those compartments... I see it as a red flag... a flag warning to take caution ahead.Based on my experience, I would say to you, stop trying to figure out what he is doing. Stop trying to work 'him' out. Instead, trust YOURSELF. Trust that You WILL KNOW in your heart, and your basic gut feeling, if he is doing something unfaithful. You start off, by whenever a thought comes into your head, that he is doing something you wouldn't like, to tell yourself that you are not going to think about that, that you trust him, and drop it, forget it. Do not think about it. If it absolutely gnaws at you, no matter how much you tell yourself it isn't true, but when your gut feeling and intuition won't let up.... then TRUST that, and know it is time to walk away. If your intuition is right (which it likely will be), you can just trust yourself, and leave. OR, if your intuition is wrong, you have to walk away anyway, because you do not trust him, and you never will, and that lack/loss of trust will utterly drive you crazy. It will get worse over the years. He gave you reason to not trust him, and unless you actually DO trust him, and he has worked on rebuilding that trust, then you probably still shouldn't.Hope this helps. Whatever happens, however it turns out, this will be a real growing and learning experience for you.
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