A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I know this may not seem like that big of a deal to some of you... but I still feel very ashamed.Me and my boyfriend have had an on and off long-distance relationship for 2 years. So, since I was 15, I'm 17 now. He's came to see me for a month once, we are like best friends, and talk on the phone every day. Well during a time that we were broken up, (which is after he came and seen me)... I was feeling very emotionally unstable, lonely, and decided to steal some beer and get drunk. During this time, a guy friend who had been off at college, came home to visit for the weekend.. and wanted me to come hang with him. It's really difficult for me to talk about... because I was never attracted to him whatsoever, actually... I was almost appalled in that sense. When I went to hang out with him, he gave me more alcohol, I was depressed... so I figured, "Hey why not just get shitfaced." He started hitting on me, and kept talking about how he hasn't had sex in forever... so one thing led to another, and when I drink alcohol I get horny... so I let it happen... It was horrible, terrible, I can't even describe it. He wasn't clean, and it felt like I was being fucked by a pig.(no, literally) Well, just recently my boyfriend somehow started talking to him... and the guy started talking shit about me, and saying that I was a sloppy fuck. (teh, I wonder why)I tried to hide it at first, and lie.. but then I confessed to my boyfriend about what happened. He was devastated. Now, I know I didn't cheat. But me and him lost our virginity together, one of his dreams was to marry a girl who had only been with him, and vice versa. He was so devastated, he started crying, and punching things, and got drunk...I can't bare how much I hurt him, and how shallow I let myself become. It feels like I'm carrying around this burden everywhere I go. It makes me not want to be sexual with my boyfriend even... I just feel really small.I was really wanting some advice, on how to cope with what has happened... and get past the pain.
View related questions:
best friend, depressed, drunk, horny Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 March 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYeah, that is true, that we are responsible for our mistakes... I guess my biggest problem... Is that I struggle from Major Depression. The way my brain functions when I get extremely depressed, is the exact opposite of how I am normally. I get a really low mood, very pessimistic, I have no self esteem, I get terrible gut wrenching anxiety (which is the main cause of why I make impulsive decisions and want to get "fucked up" because it's the only thing that calms my nerves), I get terrible flash backs all day long that cease to go away, and I become very suicidal. I have made many bad decisions because of my struggle with depression... and drinking alcohol, when I'm already very unstable... only makes me 10x worse. Fortunately, I have not drank for over 3 months. But, when I get that low it's almost as if I am in a dream, and lose myself in some crazy illusion... not realizing that when I wake up I'm going to have hell to pay for my decisions. I am currently getting spiritual counseling from a pastor, who has been giving me a great deal of help. So hopefully one day I'll be able to completely break from of my "bondage", heal, and move forward from this chapter in my life. Thanks for your advice. ;)
A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (7 March 2009):
 Dear poster, I agree: mistakes are useful because we learn from them, a lot more than what we learn from our successes. That was exactly the point I wanted to make, and it seems I didn't. I apologize if it sounded rude. I don't mean to say you're a bad person.
I have to say, however, that I disagree with the idea that we're not THAT responsible for what we do and that circumstances are to blame. Or young age. In my humble opinion, we are to be held responsible. You can't blame booze on your sleeping with someone else. I notice you didn't, when you said that "you let it happen".
You were not your boyfriend's girlfriend, so you didn't cheat on him: but you did something he does not like, no matter what he says about it, and, should that affect your relationship, you will have to grin and bear it.
By the way, of course you don't have to be somebody else's dream.
...............................
A
male
reader, Danielepew +, writes (7 March 2009):
Dear poster, I agree: mistakes are useful because we learn from them, a lot more than what we learn from our successes. That was exactly the point I wanted to make, and it seems I didn't. I apologize if it sounded rude. I don't mean to say you're a bad person.
I have to say, however, that I disagree with the idea that we're not THAT responsible for what we do and that circumstances are to blame. Or young age. In my humble opinion, we are to be held responsible. You can't blame booze on your sleeping with someone else. I notice you didn't, when you said that "you let it happen".
You were not your boyfriend's girlfriend, so you didn't cheat on him: but you did something he does not like, no matter what he says about it, and, should that affect your relationship, you will have to grin and bear it.
By the way, of course you don't have to be somebody else's dream.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 March 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks everybody for your advice so far.
My response to Danielepew, is that I didn't blow it.. my boyfriend still loves me dearly.. and he has been doing better with the situation than me. He actually has been trying really hard to make me feel better about myself, because he hates seeing me like that. I actually am feeling better, now since he seems to be so forgiving of me. I guess the problem has been, me forgiving myself.
I also want to thank Tomas for the great advice... I guess it is pretty dumb to let myself become so regretful over a mistake I made, that many other people have too... It is kinda unrealistic to expect life to always work according to your plans. Afterall, how else do you learn things in life? That's what mistakes are all about.
...............................
A
male
reader, Tomas +, writes (7 March 2009):
The vast majority of us (guys and gals) are with partners we love, who have had sex with other people. People they may not like very much in retrospect.
That may violate some people's sense of romance or propriety. Everyone is entitled to their own ideals. And if your boyfriend is really wedded to his ideal of the only-him wife, that's his right, and then maybe you did lose him.
But if his standard for a life partner is someone who is incapable (at what, 16?) of getting depressed in a long distance relationship, getting wasted during a breakup, and being talked into something they regret ... then he is either going to have a long difficult search, or a future humbling realization that we are all deeply imperfect.
And if he can understand about being lonely, and depressed, and having no self-esteem, then he should also be able to understand why, once you get past such a dark place, you might not want to ever talk about that to yourself, much less someone else.
If he had gotten drunk and slept with the female version of Mr. Pig (Mrs. Piggy?) during your breakup, would he have wanted to tell you?
I'm not unsympathetic to his pain and disappointment. I'm more concerned at his apparent lack of recognition that the person you really hurt was yourself. That it isn't (just) about him.
You don't owe your body or your heart to anyone but yourself and your partner. When you have no partner, the only person you betray by doing something reckless like that is yourself. And the cost of loving someone, is that when they hurt themselves, you feel it, too. Is that the pain he is feeling? It should be.
It's nice to want someone who loves and has-only-ever-loved you, and vice-versa. It's also nice to want well-behaved children who sleep through the night, parents who don't get Alzheimer's, good jobs that pay well near people you love, no war or starvation. And Santa Claus.
And it sucks that we have to learn that the world doesn't usually work the way we'd like it to.
I think you are being unfair to yourself by carrying the burden of the world's imperfections on your back, and for him to expect you to. For one thing, it lowers your self-esteem, which is the kind of thing that got you into the situation in the first place. For another, it is hard to hold hands with someone when they take such a higher moral ground. Or when they are making fists (warning sign). Not to mention feeling judged isn't usually sexy.
You are imperfect. Sorry. The world is imperfect. Sorry. You talk, you explain, you listen, you rebuild. That's how things work.
He may dream of Eden, but that doesn't mean you are Eve.
Good luck whatever happens. And chin up.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 March 2009): Actions have consequences: You made a decision. I think it will be a pain that will stay with you for awhile, and with your BF. Learn from your (and others') mistakes! (Re-read last statement.) Don't share a few beers with a guy, feel horney, and then have another regret again. Remember: we're human. Again, everyone makes mistakes. This is sad for you, and I'm so sorry. You sound like a good person. Forgive yourself. You're young.
...............................
A
male
reader, Danielepew +, writes (7 March 2009):
You blew it. Accept that fact and all that will come with it. Don't do it again, now that you know better. The pain will go away, sometime, and when the dust settles you will have learned something.
I think you lost the boyfriend, too. I'm sorry. I know you were not thinking straight, but the bad thing is, we're always deemed to be able to think straight. Otherwise, the world wouldn't work.
...............................
|
